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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What do other fathers do?

42 replies

michelle2011 · 10/04/2011 09:45

im a SAHM at the moment and their father doesnt do much with them, i mean almost nothing. ok he plays with them in the house as they potter about and changes the odd nappy but does not take them out anywhere. never! im so disappointed in him. i see other parents in the park and think about him. he works btw but doesnt work all the time. what do other fathers do out of interest?

OP posts:

WinterOfOurDiscountTents · 10/04/2011 13:31

Everything a mother does, if they are doing it properly. Why should I need to tell my co=parent what to do with his own children? I don't.

frgr · 10/04/2011 13:35

WinterOfOurDiscountTents I'm with you. I also hate hate hate the phrase "hands on dad", as if a father doing a task related to his parental responsibility is something positive about a person (it is, but only because so many women seem to be comfortable to be treated like doormats and are "grateful" for their DH "helping" with the kids i.e. not a good thing) yet a "hands on mum" is such a strange phrase to use that I've literally never seen it once. Shocking that so many women expect so little of their life partner and father of their children, really.

noodle69 · 10/04/2011 14:35

He does everything I do. I have never been scared to leave our daughter with him, even as a few week old baby when I went back to uni. He takes her lots of places on his own, changed all nappies, did every night feed with me etc. He did it cause he wanted to though, not because I made him.

frgr · 10/04/2011 14:38

OP, without wanting to distress you, does it not make you feel terribly insecure that your DH is a useless father? I.e. if you were ever in an accident, or even just had to go into hospital on a routine appointment, or a relative was ill and you needed to stay away for a few days, or took a job which required you to stay away for a few days in training, etc?

At what point does an utterly useless father become a liability if the mum is not there one day to take care of their needs safely and comfortable, as any parent should?

BrandyAlexander · 10/04/2011 14:50

Exactly the same as forehead and morloth. We talked about what my expectations were on co-parenting before we got married and I made it clear that when he was at home, I expected him to do 50% of the parenting and all that it entails. In addition, I also made it clear that I expected him to get him and not hide away at work. I have had to re-emphasise my expectations a couple of times since dd was born, but all in all he does everything I do. When I was trying to lose the post baby weight, I used to go to the gym on saturday mornings, so that's become their time together and he takes her to classes, but equally, he gets his time alone on a sunday morning to potter etc.

Even if you didn't have this conversation beforehand, that doesn't mean that you cant do so now and it also doesn't mean that he can't spend some of the weekend having "daddy/dc time" with them. Make your expectations clear.

jester68 · 10/04/2011 15:07

My partner is actually very good:

He takes them to the park/to feed the ducks/or walk around the docks

Will spend hours in the garden with them playing football/water guns/in the paddling pool

Spends time playing with play-doh/sticking/scalextric etc.

He is normally good for helping with bath times/tea times etc. But last couple of weeks has been doubly excellent as I had an operation so he has done it all including bathing/getting them dressed/cooking/cleaning etc plus also getting gardening done and has managed to clear all my laundry.

2rebecca · 10/04/2011 15:13

Why did you have more than 1 with him if you felt he was so hopeless as a father?
Some men are more into playing with kids than others. If that is important to you then you could try making him go out more, or insisting you are all go out.

ruddynorah · 10/04/2011 15:27

Dh does everything I do. He works early, 6am til 3pm. I work lates, 5pm til 10pm. So he does tea time, bath time, homework and bed time. At weekends we do days out together, or we take one out each to do things, or he takes them both to his mums, whatever really. He does a lot.

LeQueen · 10/04/2011 16:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SkinittingFluffyBunnyBonnets · 10/04/2011 16:38

would he go to the park with you and the DC? If you asked?

Honeybee79 · 10/04/2011 16:41

DH used to be really good but is going through a patch of being shite. Was moaning about this on another thread today. However, we had a chat this afternoon and he's now taking DS out tomorrow. DH is a teacher and has the rest of this month off . . .

Chica31 · 10/04/2011 16:44

DH does everything I would do wil our DD's except for the BFing

He often gets DD1, 22 months, up and goes for a walk with the dogs. He is now in the kitchen cooking dinner with DD1 'helping'. He plays with her and talks to her all the time

DD2, 9 weeks, he plays and coos to her. Sometimes feeds her EBM.

Sometimes he puts them in odd miss matching clothes, but never mind!

He is a fabulous dad and a wonderful husband. Us girls are very lucky!

RobynLou · 10/04/2011 16:52

DH does everything I do, except breast feeding.

he does far more housework than I do.

unless she needs feeding he settles DD2 in the night and she mostly sleeps in the crook of his arm

He cooks/feeds/cleans/plays/comforts/takes time off for nativity plays etc

I'm on mat leave, he works ft - DD1 is 4 in august, DD2 is 9 weeks.

onceamai · 10/04/2011 17:22

When ours were small DH worked 12 hour days and I was a SAHM. I did everything in the house and all shopping and all childcare Monday - Friday. DH would take the baby for a walk for a few hours at weekends to give me a break. When DD came along, DH was by then taking DS to football matches on Saturdays and would take both to the park for an hour or two on Sundays. DH never did nightfeeds or nappies or got very involved at school - obviously he tried to get to productions if they had solos or big roles and would come to parents evening if ever there was a concern. A lot of parents criticised our arrangements. DH doesn't cook, shop or clean but he does garden, does the bins and wipes down the outside paintwork (occasionally).

As the DC have got older (and I went back to work 7 years ago), DH has got much more involved with DS's sporting activities and goes to watch matches most weekends and progress at school and is very patient in relation to projects, etc. He also did a bit of drop offs at weekends for activities although these seem to be a thing of the past now.

DH now works abroad Mon-Fri but a few years ago he had 3 months' gardening leave at home - and it fell between au-pairs. On the basis that I said well if you are at home you can pay the au-pair or do the laundry and the cooking and sort out the DC - he opted for the latter. After two months he turned round and said "I had no idea how much you used to do and still do - I'm so sorry I just didn't realise - it's really opened my eyes being at home in the last few months". The DC at that point were 10 and 14!!

I must admit the children have very different interests/talents and we do seem to split up at weekends with DH doing sport with DS and me doing music with DD.

It worked for us and I felt very very privileged to be able to spend 8 years as a SAHM and because DH was working very hard building up his career and reputation I wanted everything to be dealt with at home (my full time job) so that it was a place where he could relax. I know that approach doesn't sit well with the MNet philosophy but it worked for us and supported DH's career which in turn has supported us.

Snobear4000 · 10/04/2011 18:16

I think most men do fuck-all really. If I so much as mention that I made a meal or did a load of washing to any of the mums at the school gate, they fall about fawning and saying stuff like, "Oh my husband would never do that".

I take my kid to swimming lessons, sports etc and hardly ever see a dad, unless it's at football. Most British dads are crap, IMHO. They live with mummy until they get married and that's when they find another woman to iron their shirts.

Original poster

michelle2011 · 11/04/2011 19:13

snobear4000 have to agree with you!!! so actually its partly a womens fault men are this way hahahaha

OP posts:

woopsidaisy · 11/04/2011 21:10

My DH is very hands on with the DSs.
He takes them out/plays with them every chance he gets.
He loves this time of year with the bright evenings. He gets home from work and either plays out in the garden or takes them to the park.
At the weekend he takes them to their sports things,then out for lunch,the park,beach or cinema.
He just loves to spend time with his boys.
But he needs full instructions for any housework...is getting better though.

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