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To ask my DH not to be at least 4 hours away 2 days before due date?

28 replies

Pootletrinket · 10/04/2011 09:20

Am 39+5 and looking after my 4 year old. Since November DH has worked FT, before that he didn't (and didn't 'do' the house or take full reponsibility for DD); I gave up my FT work 3 weeks ago for mat leave and since then, he's had dinner cooked every night and I've sorted out a lot of the house 'crap'.

This week, he asked if he could go sea kayaking this weekend, I said that I thought he'd be too far away (2.5 hour drive to the coast, plus he could be anywhere between 30 mins and 3 hours from the car) and I'd rather not. We compromised (I thought) that he would go to the river and be 2 hours away.

In the meantime, have found out that baby is not cephalic and is in oblique lie, therefore if waters break I must go straight to maternity to check baby's lie and whereabouts of the cord. DH knows I am anxious about having to take DD with me if this happens and we're alone together.

Yesterday, he had a lie in until 12.30 (which I thought was pretty reasonable of me - again, this is common most weekends), he took 45 mins to 'wake up' and I took DD out from 1.30 - 4pm, so he ddn't do much with her yesterday. Last night, he had a winge at me that he'd wanted to go sea paddling but I wasn't happy with it, I said we'd agreed this during the week, why bring it up now, he said he's upset that 'by the time I'm back on my feet, the weather will have turned knowing my luck' and 'I'll miss all the paddling weather" - he had the grace to acknowledge that this wasn't my fault (!). So I asked him if he could take DD to her 'gardening' club this morning for an hour as I've got a birthday party with her in the afternoon, he said he intended to get up with her this morning and then go kayaking for the day (he hasn't got up with her, more because she will only wake me, doesn't want him to be up with her).

AIBU to want a little more consideration, thoughtfulness and support during this late stage of pregnancy? AIBU to think that a 'reasonable' man wouldn't consider being 3-6 hours away from his wife on any day in these circumstances (especially as he's told me he checks his phone every half hour when at work)?

Generally, I'd have liked more support throughout, but this seems to me to be the last straw.

Sorry, have ranted!!!!

OP posts:
CoffeeDodger · 10/04/2011 09:22

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davidtennantsmistress · 10/04/2011 09:26

tbh he sounds a little bit of a tool. is he wanting to do as much as he can before the baby comes? also sounds quite selfish.

sorry if that's up the wrong tree, but i'm sure he could wait until end of/mid may to go?

also 2 of my work collegue's wives have had babies in the last year - neither travelled further than 45 minutes away from home during the last month just in case. (and their jobs both mean 3-4 hours travel plus daily).

davidtennantsmistress · 10/04/2011 09:26

sorry yanbu. he is v v unreasonable.

FriedEggyAndSlippery · 10/04/2011 09:28

Is he always this selfish? Does he not realise that having children involves some sacrifices?

crw1234 · 10/04/2011 09:30

yanbu - but I think its probably about his "man" time -and he knows he won't have much after baby comes - my DH is a bit like that - aparently it was essential to buy a new mountain bike just before our DS2 arrived!

bubblecoral · 10/04/2011 09:32

He is being unreasonable not wanting to spend time with his dd just before her life gets jolted because of the new baby. When new babies come along it can be a perfect time for Dad's to get more involved with the older dc.

If you had parents or family around and willing to help I would say it's not that bad that he wants to go for a day out even though you are in the late stages of pregnancy, but you don't, and you should be the priority.

berrieberrie · 10/04/2011 09:35

YANBU in your expectation but YABU to keep agreeing with him and letting him get away with murder. I think you need to realise that this man will never be putting you first and that you will need to get some backbone if you don't want to continue to be a doormat.

crw1234 Shock "man" time... cop out time more like.

berrieberrie · 10/04/2011 09:35

or 'tool time!'

wolfhound · 10/04/2011 09:39

He's totally unreasonable. My DS2 arrived in 2.5 hours, and within 30 minutes I was too far gone to be able to look after a toddler - so a DH 4 hours away would miss everything. He is being childish, but it's never easy to get someone to recognise that.

Bogeyface · 10/04/2011 09:40

Given his history before he got his job and his attitude now, I think that you either need to stamp on his selfishness now or be prepared to be walked all over for the rest of your life.

He is very selfish and thoughtless and I very much doubt that that will change after the baby is born. Unless you want to be posting in 6 months with PND and him naffing off with his mates every weekend and being a shit to you because you want some help, then you need to make sure he realises his responisbilities now otherwise it will get worse.

Newgolddream · 10/04/2011 09:46

I have to agree with bogeyface here, selfish acts are rarely a once off if someone is like this and although you dont really go into specific details I get the feeling theres been more examples throughout your pregnancy. If you dont mind me asking what is he like generally with your DD and what were his feelings about having another child?

And why are you "letting him away" with lise ins when you are almost at full term and should be resting as much as possible in anticipation of impending labour? I would have thought any DH who truly cares about his partner would want to do this for them anyway! Im not suggesting he doesnt care about you - but his behaviour certainly suggests that he is not thinking of your feelings either.

iscream · 10/04/2011 09:48

Yanbu. He is very inconsiderate. You could go into labour at any time, and he should be there for you and your daughter.
It is quite shocking that he would even ask to do anything hours away with a wife ready to pop any minute really.
Don't feel guilty, tell him not to make any plans of going to far from home, you are too far along, period.
Good luck with the baby! Hope that all goes perfectly for you.

FriedEggyAndSlippery · 10/04/2011 09:48

I'll try to quote something I've read on MN several times (apologies if it's not quite right)

if somebody shows you their true self - BELIEVE THEM

Pootletrinket · 10/04/2011 09:56

Hmm, this mainly confirms what I thought!! However, I am VERY assertive to the point where we frequently have discussions about the extent to which he is lazy/useless etc - occasionally he plays the depression card and I play the "we've known this for ages but you need to take responsibility and DO something about it" card.

I would happily do family stuff as the 3 of us but usually his grumpiness/lack of interest spoil it for me and ends up with me feeling resentful.

He wanted this baby as much as me (possibly more, was on at me toTTC for ages before I wnted to) but does feel rejected during our pregnancy as I've not wanted sex (at all, TBH, but have told him - earlier on - that feeling loved/cherished is more than about knowing someone loves you, they need to demonstrate it in their actions etc).

Bogeyface, only had the conversation with him last week that 4 years ago, when DD was 4 month old and I was back at work FT I would come home from work in tears and BEG him to help around the house - the next step is to kick him out I think if he doesn't pull his socks up - he was great after she was born but it tapered off quickly.

Yes, he is quite a selfish and thoughtless man, but he puts this down to the way that e was brought up and that my Dad is a particularly selfless and thoughtful man (in part I agree, but don't think I should lwer my expectations)

OP posts:
minibmw2010 · 10/04/2011 10:05

Maybe it is down to how he was brought up, but that doesn't mean its how he should be now he's (apparently) grown up. You are allowing him away with too much and then you are getting annoyed when he tries to push you further and get away with more? Stop "allowing" him lie-ins, when he moans about going sea paddling, remind him he's a father and has responsibilities !!! Unfortunately by trying to make family life easier you are helping him to make it harder.

hairylights · 10/04/2011 10:08

Yanbu. But you knew what he was like when you decided to have another child with him. You need to
Do some serious talking (and stop making his damn dinner!)

ChaoticAngelofDenial · 10/04/2011 10:08

YANBU and, no, you shouldn't lower your expectations. Blaming his selfishness on the way he was brought up is crap. He's simply an immature, selfish, lazy twat who needs to grow up.

Bogeyface · 10/04/2011 10:13

It is hard to break the habits we have been taught by our parents, but it is possible.

If I followed my mothers leadthen I would beat my kids when I had my PMT, be physically abusive to my husband, be violent at and with the house and its contents and be a total control freak over everyone. I am not because its wrong.

He is using it as an excuse to be a lazy selfish arse, and could change that if he wanted to but he clearly doesnt want to.

QQ, has he gone out?

Pootletrinket · 10/04/2011 10:18

How do I stop 'allowing' him lie ins - when he won't get up until beyond the point where I'm awake and unable to go back to sleep?

But I agree, with the dinner, that's not some wifely love, that's me cooking for me and DD and there being enough left for him! And I did know when we started TTC (which took a year) so agree need to take some rsponsibility; also fear if I did kick hm out, I'd end up paying him as he doesn't earn enough to take care of himself, doesn't contribute to house etc etc. Will take bull by horns and insist he has to have some counselling or take other action (was happy to go together, but he wasn't - surprise!)

No, he hasn't gone out, he's just getting up now, am taking DD out, he'll prob be gone when I get back. Will leave him several jobs to do before he goes.

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Pootletrinket · 10/04/2011 10:21

I was wrong, he got up, went to the loo, gone back to bed. (has slept in spare room last 2 nights as I have to lie on one side because of baby position and when I wake in the middle of the night, can't get back to sleep if he's facing me because of snoring - I also wear earplugs, am a frustratingly light sleeper!)

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Bogeyface · 10/04/2011 10:23

I'm going to be painfully honest here Pootle and ask....

Why you are with a man who is lazy, selfish, inconsiderate, doesnt contribute anything financially (where does his money go then?), stays in bed half the day, refuses to address any issues and treats you like shit?

FUrther to that, why the hell are you having a baby with him?!

I'm sorry, I know you are having a tough time right now, but I really struggling to comprehend why you would willingly make a bad situation worse for yourself!

Dont worry about his finances if you do leave. He is capable of working full time then he is capable of supporting himself. You have yourself and the children to support, frankly I think it would do him good to have to sink or swim instead of being bloody carried!

hairylights · 10/04/2011 10:42

Sounds like you are married to a small child in the guise of a man :(

Newgolddream · 10/04/2011 11:33

Pootle, you are both adults and from the way you are describing things it doesnt sound very healthy at all. If you cant talk about these things like an adult - i.e if he is not willing to listen then I dont hold out much hope for your relationship at all. hairylights is quite right - hes like another child and you are acting like his Mum by saying things like "if he did leave I would have to pay for him as he doesnt earn enough" - why do you feel this because you dont have to??

Good luck with your new baby, I think you are going to need it tbh. I hope you have other support around you. Why was he so keen to have another child when he barely looks after the 1 hes got though?

atswimtwolengths · 10/04/2011 12:19

If you have two children with him, you will not have to pay for him if you left him. He is working full time now - any court would come down very hard on him if he gave up his job to avoid paying maintenance.

Why does your daughter not want him to be up with her, instead of you?

He sounds a really selfish man. I'm a single mum and I can tell you it's a hell of a lot easier being on your own than with someone who drags you down like that.

Pootletrinket · 10/04/2011 13:21

Having got out and been in the sun a bit, I feel a bit better. But he does need to shape up and sharpish. I agree, though, there are times when I've felt it would be easier to be a single mum.

Bogey, I don't know where his money goes, neither does he, but until he hands over control to me, it won't get better (all of my money goes into my account where I know it will stay when the direct debits come out of - the child benefit goes into a joint account which he dips into and am going to get it stopped and put into my name and my account!).

Suspect that she wants me to get up with her because I engage with her more, but also she is a Mummy's girl and does kick off when he tries to get up with her, so it is sometimes a case of me giving in to her as much for the easy life.

The concern about the money is because I certainly wouldn't be the one to be leaving, he would - I've almost single handedly paid for the house and bills for 10 years, but the mortgage is jointly in our name.

Thanks, will get focussed.

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