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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To really dislike being a Mummy...

31 replies

JingleMum · 09/04/2011 23:47

today i really don't like being a mummy, i feel like i'm at my wits end. i love my DD more than life, but i've had moments of disliking her today

i had a horrendous birth and terrible PND for the first few months of her life, thankfully i'm well over it now and have really loved being a mum since i got over it, but since she's turned 18 months old (last month) i feel so out of control. i'm quite strict, i'm very fond of routine, but we also have loads of fun together. for whatever reason though, lately, she is constantly whingeing, or scream "no, no mummy" or lashing out at me. she screams like a brat for no reason! if i try to make her say please when she asks for something she responds by screaming "No" and then throwing the mother of all tantrums. all of a sudden she has gone from being a happy, content baby, to a screaming, miserable brat.

AIBU to honestly say it's got me feeling really down? as i said i'm quite strict, i don't allow her to behave like this without telling her off, but am i best just ignoring her? please tell me it gets easier....

OP posts:

NonnoMum · 09/04/2011 23:50

Poor you. It sounds like you've had a tough few months. Please don't think that things won't change. IMO Terrible Twos starts at 18 months..

anonymosity · 09/04/2011 23:51

you should post this in "parenting" or "behaviour / development" - you might get more helpful / thoughtful comments there.

B4Beatrice · 09/04/2011 23:54

It will pass. You will have a good day tomorrow.
Mine is also pretty taxing right now at 20 months. The are just trying to voice their opinion with very little communication skills ATM.

Still doesnt stop you wanting to throw them out the window every once in a while.

Do something fun tomorrow that you KNOW she will enjoy, try to enjpy it with her and have a nice day.

They wont always be toddlers................I hope!

pjmama · 09/04/2011 23:55

Best piece of advice I can give is pick your battles. Sounds like normal behaviour for her age to me, but if you're too strict you're just setting yourself up for failure. I'm by nature a nit picker and a bit of a control freak - having kids has really forced me to relax and come to terms with the fact that you can't control every detail! Just decide what behaviours really aren't acceptable and deal with those consistently.

Again10 · 09/04/2011 23:59

It sounds like you're doing your best to teach her right from wrong, that sounds good to me. Kindness can go a long way with them I think.

Original poster

JingleMum · 10/04/2011 00:01

anonymosity thank you, i will.

thanks for all the replies so far everyone, it's nice to know it's fairly normal/common.

NonnoMum i thought it could be the start of the terrible 2's. i'm just worried that it's something i'm doing wrong. i really don't want to f**k up!

OP posts:

UnseenAcademicalMum · 10/04/2011 00:04

She's an 18-month old. Although it's called the "terrible two's" it often starts earlier than that.

Sounds like that's what she's going through.

Trying to make her say "please" is not being strict mummy, it is being a responsible one who wishes to ensure her dd will fit into society.

Don't beat yourself up about it. Chances are you are doing fine.

winnybella · 10/04/2011 00:08

Oh, that sounds perfectly normal for this age- she's just starting to assert herself

Don't worry, a year or so and it will get better

Btw DD is 26mo now and I can quite often reason with her. I also don't give in to her unreasonable demands (cookie before dinner etc) yet she still tries it on quite often.

Normal, don't worry. In fact I would worry if my toddler didn't have tantrums.

Original poster

JingleMum · 10/04/2011 00:15

thank you, i'm starting to feel better and "normal" now!

how would you advise i deal with the "please" situation? if she points at something i get it for her, but before i pass it over i ask her to say "please" (she can say please, has done since 15 months) she used to happily oblige so i would give her the object and tell her how clever she was and what a good girl she was, as i said earlier now she just screams and throws a tantrum and refuses to say it and i have to admit i usually give in and give her whatever it is she wants (after 5 mins or so, not straight away)

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 10/04/2011 00:18

DD2 is 15 months and I'm just seeing sparks of her realising she can do things/get us to do things and her frustration when things don't work out in her favour.

Your DD doesn't know the rules and sees everything from only her POV, you're not going to fuck up and from what you say you love being a mum.

Because she was a baby not long ago you're tuned into responding to her crying/screaming, is it possible for you to distance yourself from it a bit now?

She's not doing it for the same reasons as when she was a baby, and now it's to find out about the world she's in and how to get you to do her bidding negotiate her way through it.

LDNmummy · 10/04/2011 00:21

Its the terrible two's. Children start to test bounderies at this age as they become more aware of their own autonomy (I think anyway, but is defintely something to do with them developing an understanding of bounderies and what they can get away with).

Just be patient OP and know that it does ease off eventually if you manage it well.

Good luck and hope you have a better day tomorrow!

blackeyedsusan · 10/04/2011 00:41

don't make a big deal of it if she doesn't say please, just pass whatever it is with minimal attention nd praise the behaviour you want, making a fuss if she does say please.

ignoring tantrums often works. i am expert at pushing a supermarket trolley containing a screaming toddler, pretending he is invisible and nothing to do with me at all. i have also been know to stand in the play ground at school with a toddler going on strike on the floor at the other end of the reins.

I give ds choices, red bib or purple bib? walk or trolley. (lying on the floor or trying to strangle yourself by dangling off the reins are not options) Doesn't always work though.

as someone said, pick your battles, some things are just not worth worrying about, some are non negotiable(holding hand next to the road, being strapped in the car seat)

janajos · 10/04/2011 08:19

I have a 21 month old and two much older boys. IMO (learned through bitter experience with my first and getting it totally wrong! ) the best thing to do with tantrums is to put them somewhere safe (where you can see them) then walk away and ignore. It really does work. Then move on. As for the please issue, I think I would not pass whatever it was unless I got a please, but I wouldn't talk about it, I would just quietly put it away. So, it would go something like this..

Baby points to item, mother says 'here it is, say 'please'', baby points again and begins to whine (no 'please'), mother says 'if you don't say 'please' you can't have it,' then if whining continues, puts it away. No discussion. If tantrum ensues, ignore as above.

Hope this helps, it gets better very quickly if you can remain calm and clear about what you want to achieve.

janajos · 10/04/2011 08:19

sorry not , !

janajos · 10/04/2011 08:21

Also, I find it helps me to remember that the reason they fuss at this age is because they don't have the verbal sophistication to express what they really want, it will come.

JackyJax · 10/04/2011 08:38

Maybe now's the time to start dialing back some of the praise for 'please'. It's feeling a bit too controlling at her age (don't mean this nastily, think you've done a fab job getting her really comfortable with please). If my child asked me to get something for them then I would probably say, 'Sure, just as soon as I hear a please.' Then I'd get on and become super busy with something else. If daughter whined again, I'd go for the 'broken record' technique. 'Sure, just as soon as you say please.' Then I'd smile sweetly and get on with what I was doing.
What your daughter will learn is that in order to get the thing I'm allowed to have, I need to say please. If I don't say please then I don't get it.

This will at least stop one battle!

Like others have said, this too will pass. I found in my own parenting though that just as soon as I thought I had it all down pat, the goalposts would shift and I'd have to learn some new stuff.

Good luck and well done you for posting- my friends and I often bring stuff out into the open and it really helps us to not feel alone. Wishing you lots of cyber good wishes, Jacky

Animation · 10/04/2011 08:47

At least it's normal - the terrible 2s often start at 18 mths.

Don't think they should be saying "please" at that age though.

Try not to take it all personally - hang in there!

juneau · 10/04/2011 09:00

I found my DS very challenging from about 18mos-2 years, when he became a lot more reasonable again. Then he hit 3 and we're back in hell again. I think it goes in phases and obviously all kids are different, but they will test you and take out their frustration on you and push the boundaries and I doubt it will ever stop completely - there will just be phases that are more or less frustrating for you to deal with. And yes, I find ignoring to be one of the more effective ways of handling disagreeable behaviour. If you react, even negatively, you're giving them attention and that's often what they want.

ballstoit · 10/04/2011 09:01

YANBU. DD2 has just hit toddlerdom, she's 21 months, and again I'd forgotten how maddening it is.

'Do you want a banana or an orange DD?'

'Orange'

I hand her an orange and she lays on the floor screaming 'nana, nana, NAAANAAA'

At least with her I'm not about to drop the next one like I was with DS and DD1 .

I agree with pjmama - pick your battles. She hasn't really got a clue what please means, or that the best to get what you want is to tell someone that you want it.

Best piece of information on dealing with toddlers I've ever been given is that they can only understand their own view of things, and can only hold one thought at a time. So, dont waste time explaining that people are upset by her behaviour and/or she can't go out with no shoes on because it's snowing. Just ignore and distract. That's my mantra 'ignore and distract'.

Along with 'have a stiff drink when DC go to bed'

lesley33 · 10/04/2011 09:05

Sounds normal. It is a while since my 4 were toddlers. But one of the things that I found helped was giving them choices. For example, you can wear this blue t shirt or the red t shirt. They would still have some tantrums,but I think it gives them a feeling of more control over their lives which IMO isa important.

And it will get better -- honest!

Goblinchild · 10/04/2011 09:05

Mine coped with please very easily, it was thank you he didn't understand.
Please got you something.
Thank you? Naa!

hairfullofsnakes · 10/04/2011 09:14

It's the age - it really is a hard age and they are so whiny at that age!

Try reading Toddler Taming and The Baby Whisperer for Toddlers

Can't remember the authors but put titles into amazon

I think the ages of 16mthd to 2.5 years are the hardest and they want to push boundaries too. Those books are great and wil reassure you

noblegiraffe · 10/04/2011 09:28

I think that understanding that a request for something should end in the word 'please' is quite a complicated concept for a toddler who is only just learning to put 2 or 3 words together.

I spend most of my time trying to get my 19 month old to actually name objects with the correct words. I imagine that it's quite confusing if I suddenly switch when I'm holding the object to wanting him to say please instead.

I do say 'say please', but give it to him anyway at the moment. And I always model good manners when I'm asking him for something. It'll click eventually. Language first, then manners is what I'm thinking.

NestaFiesta · 10/04/2011 10:08

I think it's great you have rules, routines and standards OP. I am going to tell you that you are doing a great job simply because of an experience I had the other day. My friend's 3.5 yr old has never been taught manners or in fact, any sort of good behaviour. Her mother has taken the easy route of not correcting her. EVER. As a result this girl is hard to like, very rude, snatches, grabs, starts every sentence with a whiney "I WANT" and is never corrected. She refuses meals and screams for biscuits 5 minutes later. She climbs out of bed and helps hersefl to junk food after bedtime. She is a real trial to spend any time with. Believe it or not she starts school later this year.

This is the result of NOT instilling manners, routine and standards in a child. Beleive me, you ARE doing a great job and in all probability, nobody will thank you for it, but you are making a huge difference.

whitevanwoman · 10/04/2011 10:10

dont worry, it only goes on until they are around 25 or so, then they are lovely :)

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