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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think if he wanted me back...?

39 replies

nonamesavalible · 09/04/2011 21:24

Prepared to be flamed here but I hacked into my recently seperated husbands computer and seen what I didn't want too.

Basically we have been separated 2 months and after a shaky start he has started visiting everyday to see the DC's and over the last couple of days he has been trying to win me back by doing things he did when we were dating and apologising for everything, I was falling for it.

Then tonight he has left his laptop here and I thought (I know stupid me) I'd have a quick look and seen he has in the last week joined up to FIVE dating sites and been messaging a girl on facebook, now the girl on facebook I cannot see what has been sent as they have been deleted but he had a new reply and it doesn't look good at all.

Ok so he is single and it is down to him and I know IWBU looking but surely if he wanted me back he wouldn't be joining dating sites and sending (not so innocent) messages to girls on facebook, would he? AIBU?

OP posts:

Original poster

nonamesavalible · 09/04/2011 21:35

Anyone?

OP posts:

Honeybee79 · 09/04/2011 21:37

Erm, do you really need to canvas opinion on this?
YANBU.
Sounds like he's behaving really badly and you're better off rid.

ballstoit · 09/04/2011 21:38

YABU to post in IABU about this. The question is not about him, it's about you...do you want to be with him? You dont seem to trust him, is that to do with why you spilt to start with.

As far as the snooping goes YANBU, I found out ex-H was having an affair through facebook. If I hadnt snooped I never would have known for certain.

AgentZigzag · 09/04/2011 21:39

I don't blame you for wanting to see how the land lies, if you've recently split and he was giving you signs of wanting to try again I can see why you'd be in a better position if you have all the info.

Of course it wasn't the right thing to do, but sometimes needs must.

He looks to me like he's hedging his bets to have his cake and eat it.

Do you want to get back together? Sounds like you do.

Is it possible for you to talk about how he'd feel if you made moves in that direction?

At least you'd know one way or another.

AgentZigzag · 09/04/2011 21:40

Why shouldn't she have posted in AIBU ballstoit?

The reasons you've given seem to be classic AIBU territory.

Original poster

nonamesavalible · 09/04/2011 21:43

I would get back with him in a heartbeat if we could go back four years but over the last 15mths things went bad to worse including a bit of violence (nothing major) on his part due to depression, now we have split he is sorting the depression out and is on tablets and seems to be doing really well.
I am 50/50 on the whole idea about getting back together but it would have to go slowly and I need to learn to trust him again but now I don't know.

He is technically single right now thats why I asked if IWBU.

OP posts:

hairylights · 09/04/2011 21:43

Yabu. You're separated, you don't want to be with him, you shouldn't have invaded his privacy ... You spied and dint like what you found.

ballstoit · 09/04/2011 21:49

Agentzigzag - Hmm, not sure now you've asked. Perhaps because people dont hold back in AIBU before ripping the poster to shreds. Not sure why my reasons are classics either. Seems a bit sad to pick over the bones of a relationship in AIBU I suppose. But not very logical, as I've responded.

Honeybee79 · 09/04/2011 21:52

Sorry, now I'm confused. Are you asking AIBU re checking his computer or AIBU re thinking of getting back with him?
Still, YABU on both counts I think, given what you found on his computer!

ballstoit · 09/04/2011 21:54

Well, if he's intimating that he would like to get back together whilst trying to meet someone new then he's BU. Sounds like you have a lot of work to do before making a final decision.

I wonder how he'll react to you finding out, that will be pretty telling for you I would think. My ex-H went off on one about me invading his privacy, how it was none of my business who he spoke to or saw. He clearly had no respect for me, and this became crystal clear at that point.

Do be careful though, even minor (if there's such a thing) violence is a risk when you have that conversation.

Original poster

nonamesavalible · 09/04/2011 21:54

I don't actually know myself, both I think.

OP posts:

hairfullofsnakes · 09/04/2011 21:54

Sounds like you deserve better! If he is wanting to get back tog he shouldn't be on dating sites etc

Confront him, see what he has to say. He doesn't sound too trustworthy but talk to him

AgentZigzag · 09/04/2011 21:55

I thought you were being a bit shitty saying she shouldn't be posting ballstoit

It's nice you were thinking of her feelings, I've come over all warm and fuzzy

whitevanwoman · 09/04/2011 21:55

you were separated, he is a free agent

ballstoit · 09/04/2011 22:04

Aww thanks, think ops had enough shit for today without any others piling it on.

Nonames - what do you think made you tempted to check his laptop?

FabbyChic · 09/04/2011 22:07

He is single so what, has he outright asked you back?

If not then you are being unreasonable.

Never hack into someones computer you might get more than what you bargained for.

Men get more lonely than women, most of them just cannot hack being alone.

He may well be having second thoughts and if he is and it works with you he of course will come off the dating sights.

It's his life not yours to live.

Honeybee79 · 09/04/2011 22:12

Fabby, do you really think men get lonelier than women? . I'm not so sure about that.

AgentZigzag · 09/04/2011 22:12

'Men get more lonely than women, most of them just cannot hack being alone'

I've always thought that too fabby, I don't like to stereotype a whole group but I believe it's because they're useless

ballstoit · 09/04/2011 22:13

The voice of feminism has spoken...it's okay for a man to be deceitful because he will be feeling more lonely. FFS, what a crock of shit.

ballstoit · 09/04/2011 22:14

Loneliness = no woman to wash my pants

Honeybee79 · 09/04/2011 22:14

Yeah, I think I agree with you ballstoit.

Original poster

nonamesavalible · 09/04/2011 22:15

Yes he has asked for me back several times and I have told him that we both need time to sort out our issues and see what happens.
I was tempted because he had left his laptop here and switched on (straight onto facebook).
We have been talking for the last week nonstop about sorting our issues and at the same time he has joined these sites after he has gone home that evening by the looks of it.

OP posts:

ballstoit · 09/04/2011 22:17

I dont think he left his laptop by accident, I think this is an attempt to put more pressure on you.

ballstoit · 09/04/2011 22:19

Or else he's pretty dim - you're proably better placed to answer that one though op

Happymm · 09/04/2011 22:20

Fabby, as usual can be relied on for a pile of old bollocks opinion! Well done :o

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