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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think if he wanted me back...?

39 replies

nonamesavalible · 09/04/2011 21:24

Prepared to be flamed here but I hacked into my recently seperated husbands computer and seen what I didn't want too.

Basically we have been separated 2 months and after a shaky start he has started visiting everyday to see the DC's and over the last couple of days he has been trying to win me back by doing things he did when we were dating and apologising for everything, I was falling for it.

Then tonight he has left his laptop here and I thought (I know stupid me) I'd have a quick look and seen he has in the last week joined up to FIVE dating sites and been messaging a girl on facebook, now the girl on facebook I cannot see what has been sent as they have been deleted but he had a new reply and it doesn't look good at all.

Ok so he is single and it is down to him and I know IWBU looking but surely if he wanted me back he wouldn't be joining dating sites and sending (not so innocent) messages to girls on facebook, would he? AIBU?

OP posts:

ballstoit · 09/04/2011 22:20

Am off to bed, hope you get some sleep. There's no rush for you to do anything either way, time will bring you more answers.

AgentZigzag · 09/04/2011 22:21

That's not saying women don't get lonely, but some men seem to have to be with someone at all times.

Perhaps I just like to think women are more self sufficient and aren't completely defined by a relationship with a man?

But then 'Loneliness = no woman to wash my pants' does sum it up nicely without all the guff

FabbyChic · 09/04/2011 22:24

Men tend to be lost, not all of them, but a lot of them jump from one relationship to another, I always think its a mother thing, they aren't looking for a partner but a mother figure someone to look after them.

FabbyChic · 09/04/2011 22:25

Happymum, it's my opinion and I'm entitled to it, just because it does not gel with yours doesn't make it wrong, just makes it different.

If I posted the same shit as everybody else I wouldn't be unique would I?

How boring life would be then.

Honeybee79 · 09/04/2011 22:27

Don't be offended Fabby, this is AIBU afterall!

Must, must, must go to bed now, what with ill DS likely to wake in night.

Good night all.

TheyKnowEsperanto · 09/04/2011 23:09

Ballstoit has it spot on. Men do not get lonelier than women. They just miss having an unpaid domestic servant. As women are used to doing their own cleaning, cooking, laundry etc (however badly in my case) they just don't have the need.

Best course of action would be to do nothing, say nothing, and get on with living a lovely life full of friends and fun with your DCs. Yes, it's never a good idea to have a snoop for fear of what you might find, but now having found the information it puts you in a much better position with regard to making and sticking to your decision never to go back. Feel sorry for the new FB friends he is making who have yet to find out what the definition of minor domestic violence is.

AgentZigzag · 09/04/2011 23:13

Can I get offended?

It's something I've found I excel at.

kaid100 · 10/04/2011 02:53

All those who think it's ok for someone to hack their ex-husbands laptop: if a former boyfriend or husband hacked into your laptop, even if you had been making approaches to get back together with them, would you think that was OK?

WMDinthekitchen · 10/04/2011 03:40

Haven't conducted a scientific survey but have noticed among friends and family that when some relationships end women TEND to eat too much/cry/hide under the duvet/talk to a friend or sibling or parent/carry on somehow while men TEND to go out and find somone else. Men may find it easier to let go, to draw a line. Realise that nonames is in a difficult position. I would not want anyone looking at my laptop but 'tis already done in this case. Think he is hedging his bets - if he can't have you he will find someone else. As to whether or not you take him back - can't advise you there, sorry.

cookcleanerchaufferetc · 10/04/2011 07:10

you have doubts about him, and trust is ever so important in a relationship. And now your concerns have been proven when you looked at his laptop. YANBU as he did not have it password protected! It sounds like you want the good old days back but that won't happen as you have both changed. It may be easier to have him back than deal with changes that a proper separation permanently would bring. He is clearly being an arse to be looking at these sites as although you are on a break you are still married.

ballstoit · 10/04/2011 08:33

kaid100 - I wouldnt be over the moon delighted but wouldnt be that fussed either, mainly because I wouldnt be trying to rebuild a relationship with my children's other parent while also coming on to other men online. And if I was, I wouldnt be stupid enough to leave my laptop lying around in my ex's house with no password protection on it or my facebook account.

zest01 · 10/04/2011 09:16

I don't think he is bu as he is single and can do what he likes, as can you.

If you want him back, then tell him so if you're not sure then you have to run the risk that while you are decing, he might move on.

It just comes across that you don't know if you want him, but don't want anyone else to have him while you sit on the fence and think about it, which is pretty unreasonable imo.

Also, just because he has joined dating sites, doesn't mean he has met someone or even that he will - maybe he is just trying to "prove" to himself that he still has what it takes if and when you decide to leave him.

IMO snooping is always unreasonable - if you want to talk about things then just do that. Talk about how you feel and what you want and maybe agree on some " rules" during your separation if it's just a trial, so you both have the time and space to think and breathe without pressure.

zest01 · 10/04/2011 09:18

What I meant to say is "deciding" and also I meant if and when you decide that the separation is definitely permanant. Didn't make those 2 very clear

Original poster

nonamesavalible · 17/04/2011 12:19

Thought I'd update that I am offically fucking stupid, I spent all day yesterday with H and had a really good time, went to the park with the DC's and he told me that he will do anything to get back with me and we had a long talk and said we will work on things.
Then I phoned him this morning as he wanted to take the DC's to the fair and he was with the girl he had been messaging, they had spent the night together and he didn't even try to deny it..
I don't know how to react he is going to be he in 20mins and I want to kill him...

OP posts:

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