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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that if a mother has had food/weight problems herself then she shouldnt turn a blind eye to her own childs weight problem?

31 replies

chunkyjojo · 09/04/2011 16:45

My SIL, now aged 30, was anorexic in her teens then after having her DD struggled with being overweight for a number of years. She is now a healthy weight and has been for some time. She was widowed 7 years ago and understandably depended on her mother a lot for help with childcare etc, as a result my DN is very close to her gran and spends a lot of time there (a lot of weekends, 3/4 evenings a week).

Problem is SILS mother cooks nothing but processed food, everythng is breaded and fried, usually served with chips and the woman doesnt seem to have heard of vegetables! DN has over the past 3 years put on a lot of weight and there is no sign that SIL is addressing the issue in any way.

She has had a difficult relationship with her mother since childhood and I think doesn't want to rock the boat now they are getting along so much better. AIBU to think she should put her childs health and happiness above fer mothers feeling and stop DN from spending her time there? And is there a tactful way I can raise DNs weight problem with SIL without causing offence?

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 09/04/2011 16:51

How do you know what the meals are every day?

piprabbit · 09/04/2011 16:55

I'm not sure I understand why you think you need to interfere.

Original poster
chunkyjojo · 09/04/2011 16:58

squeakytoy I cant say I know what they are every day of course but I know from things SIL has said in the past and also from some things DN has said in conversation that this is the type of food she cooks.

DN has very limited tastes (I know thats not unusual with children) but has a huge appetite and tends to expect this type of food when visiting my family. She's been quite surprised to be told she cant eat chips everyday "but I do in my grannies". I've also been in her grans house on occasion (though not regularly as they live quite a distance away) and I've seen her meals

OP posts:
usualsuspect · 09/04/2011 17:00

I don't think you should interfere

annapolly · 09/04/2011 17:02

Why don't you offer to help her with childcare. You can then help her DD eat better and get exercise.

As some one who has anorexia it is very difficult to deal with your DCs weight issues as the fear of them going down the same route is forever present.

You are being very judgemental and not very helpful.

Original poster
chunkyjojo · 09/04/2011 17:02

I dont think I said I need to interfere I asked if there was a tactful way i could raise this with SIL. I am genuinely concerned for my DN, aside from her health other children have commented, one of her friends called her a human dustbin the other day, and I really hate the idea she could be bullied

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 09/04/2011 17:04

I dont think you have enough information to know exactly what they eat every day then to be able to judge. Its not really any of your business either and could end up with both your MIL and SIL being a bit narked at you for trying to interfere.

Original poster
chunkyjojo · 09/04/2011 17:06

I've no desire to be judgemental at all. Unfortunately we dont live close enough to help on a day to day basis, DN comes to use about one weekend in 4, during school hols and sometimes we take her on hols with us. If I were closer I'd be happy to help out of course.

I can totally understand how it might be difficult for SIL having had anorexia but surely its not ok to just leave the situation get worse?

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 09/04/2011 17:08

But you ARE being judgemental. You dont know what they are having to eat, and are just assuming it is always processed or fried.

FingandJeffing · 09/04/2011 17:09

Because she has had eating disorders I expect she is especially sensitive to her daughters weight and whether anyone else should say anything. I'm sure she is doing the best she can.

borderslass · 09/04/2011 17:09

How old is DN, FWIW I've had weight issues both ends of the scale and now a healthy weight.
DD1 at 12 was a size 14 [didn't know what weight she was but recently she told me that she was 10 st] going to high school, I was obese at the time and didn't notice it was wrong as she was tall what I did notice was she lost weight at 14-15 and we had battles with getting her to eat plus her 'friends' would tell me she'd eaten loads at lunchtime to back her up.
DD2 was never overweight but went the same if not worse I noticed immediately with her she has only just got back into a healthy weight just 2 lb's underweight now.
If she wants to eat chips etc at your house why not do the healthy version I make mine with spray oil in the oven thee fat free she probably wont notice, however I think if you have a good relationship with SIL you should voice your concerns with her.

millie30 · 09/04/2011 17:10

If she genuinely needs her mother's help for childcare maybe she has accepted the sort of food her mum will be feeding her DD as a price to pay, and is ok with it. I'm not sure if there is any way that you can get involved or speak to them about it without causing upset.

Original poster
chunkyjojo · 09/04/2011 17:12

squeakytoy I'm not assuming, as i said SIL has commented on her mothers meals in the past and in fact once said she felt it contributed to her eating disorder as a teen in that she was always afraid she would get fat.

SIL doesnt eat this way, has two younger children from her new relationship who dont spend so much time with their gran and dont have any weight problems.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 09/04/2011 17:13

how old is she??

what size and weight?

GypsyMoth · 09/04/2011 17:13

and in the course of a week,how many meals does she eat at her grans?

Original poster
chunkyjojo · 09/04/2011 17:16

Sorry all, I'm v slow typing have fractured finger!

borderslass DN is 11, i understand what you're saying re poss growing out of it, i suppose I'm concenred that as she hits puberty it could become more of a problem?

OP posts:
Original poster
chunkyjojo · 09/04/2011 17:18

Tiffany Think 4 or 5 dinners. She spends most weekends there and 3/4 evenings a week.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 09/04/2011 17:20

not sure that you should mention this to be honest. i know you say you wont be interferring....but bringing the subject up and suggesting she has a problem,is exactly that,interferring

i dont see what you can do tbh

Original poster
chunkyjojo · 09/04/2011 17:20

Dont know her weight I'd never dream of asking her, size wise she is tall for her age, couldnt say clothes size as tend to buy a size or two up to accomodate stomach etc. I think the last top i got for her was a 33 - 34

OP posts:
borderslass · 09/04/2011 17:21

Sorry I'm not saying that but she may well end up at the opposite end of the scale and thats far more worrying, at least it is to me mine went from eating huge meals to virtually nothing after being bullied for being overweight.
I think you need to raise your concerns with SIL.

Original poster
chunkyjojo · 09/04/2011 17:30

borderslass thats exactly what i'm afraid of , they're so sensitve when they get to early teens and i'd hate for her to go from one extreme to another and end up with an eating disorder. Its such a tricky subject to tackle.

Right now DN isn't overly conscious of it although she has mentioned one or two comments people have made so unfortunately I think she will become more aware of it. just dont think the child herself has the understanding of healthy eating to be able to do anything about it

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 09/04/2011 17:37

It sounds to me like your SIL is more aware than anyone about eating disorders and may even have said something to your MIL herself already, if she has mentioned it to you.

GypsyMoth · 09/04/2011 17:40

she's 11....she will have alot of knowledge from school about healthy eating,however,very little power to put it into practice with what she is served up at grans

poor girl,i feel for her

gran/mil is the one who needs educating here

Original poster
chunkyjojo · 09/04/2011 17:41

Squeakytoy She hasnt mentioned anything to me in the context of DN, these were various conversations over the years. I would have seen SIL a lot more when my brother was alive so we would have talked a lot then and were quite close.

OP posts:
princessparty · 09/04/2011 17:42

i think you are in danger of teaching your granny to suck eggs here.Your SIL has far more insight into eating disorders than yo have, as well as course of being the girl's mother!.I think you have to trust her to know what's best to do