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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect MIL to wash/brush her teeth and smell nice?

51 replies

CocktailQueen · 09/04/2011 11:30

My MIl is due to come and stay with us for a week soon and I am dreading it. She is 86 and doesn't wash - well, she washes but no baths/showers. She hasn't got a proper washing machine either and her clothes smell. She doesn't brush her teeth either and her breath smells. It's unbearable. I can't go in the car with her - enclosed space... Whenever she stays I have to air the house after her and use scented candles etc.... I have thought about asking her to shower etc but she says that a strip wash is fine. Well it isn't!!!!!!!!! Horrible. Is there a tactful way I can address this with her? Am sure it will be much nicer for her too if she could wash properly. BTW she lives with her 60yo son - dh's brother - who is useless. The DCs haven't said anything yet but am dreading the day when they do. Any help would be fab.

OP posts:

FudgeGirl · 09/04/2011 11:34

I think your DH should raise it with her. Is his brother her carer? Is she physically and mentally able?

Poor hygiene can be a sign of depression, but equally it might be that she isn't getting the help/care she needs to wash properly (is she scared of falling in the bath?)

Or it could just be that she doesn't see the need to wash, I suppose. But don't dismiss it as laziness necessarily, is there a deeper problem?

Not pleasant for her and not pleasant for her family. Could you help to buy a washing machine for her as a start?

lesley33 · 09/04/2011 11:35

Could your DH talk to her about this. Many older people have a poor sense of smell and so she probably won't realise that for example her clothes smell. Until my mum started doing her washing, my gran used to insist her clothes were clean if there were no stains on them, even though they smelt.

After experiences with a few people who smelled I don't think hinting works. I really think your DH needs to explain to his mum the problems and what she needs to do. And after that, maybe, if you can afford it, offer to buy her a washing machine as a present.

CalamityKate · 09/04/2011 11:35

Say something like "When did you want to have your shower, Mum - just getting organised with the kids etc" and if she says "A strip wash is fine" say "Oh yes, maybe in the morning, but everyone needs a nice shower once a day, don't they, otherwise they smell".

You're just going to have to be firmer.

usualsuspect · 09/04/2011 11:36

Can you offer to do her washing for her while she is at yours?

I would imagine at 86 she finds it difficult to get in and out of the bath

lesley33 · 09/04/2011 11:37

A strip wash can be enough if done properly. But maybe she can't reach everywhere she would need to. It may be because she is unable to wash properly that she smells. So she may need for example, an adapted shower with a seat and a very low step into it.

Doesn't explain the teeth brushing though. But she may have rotten teeth which would make her mouth smell.

Meglet · 09/04/2011 11:39

Has she been assessed for dementia? 86 is a ripe old age and she might not be aware it has got so bad? Is her house generally tidy, organised?

lesley33 · 09/04/2011 11:39

I know talking in the way CalamityKate suggests wouldn't have worked with my gran. My mum did have to be honest with her and tell her she smelt.

squeakytoy · 09/04/2011 11:44

If your bath has no hand rail, she could be scared of slipping, or have mobility problems getting in and out of the bath. Likewise scared of slipping in the shower.

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 09/04/2011 11:45

I think it's quite common with older people, my own lovely granny used to do the same. I can still remember my mum washing her hair over our kitchen sink because she was going to the hairdressers (mum insisted)

Think it's a mixture of fear of falling and pride tbh

TakeItOnTheChins · 09/04/2011 11:48

It's unlikely to be pride, given that she's happy to be smelly.

CointreauVersial · 09/04/2011 11:56

It's also a generation thing. Many of that generation were not brought up with daily baths/showers and do not believe it is necessary.

My MIL will often come to stay for a couple of days; I give her a towel but it is always bone dry and unused when she leaves. She has a weekly shower, but thinks that any more than that dries your skin out and is wasteful.

A daily strip wash IS fine, tbh, but only if done properly.

Having said that, as people get older they often find it harder to maintain their personal hygiene; they have reduced mobility, or just forget to do things. We struggled with my grandmother, who is 100, for a long time, because she just couldn't keep herself clean any longer but refused all offers of help. She was living alone at the time.

Maybe call social services and ask for advice/help?

Original poster

CocktailQueen · 09/04/2011 11:58

OP here - more info - re dementia - her memory is failing and she repeats herself a lot but: she looks after herself and dh's brother - does all the shopping cooking washing. She doesn't clean the house tho - it's a real mess - never throws things out - tho she puts out recycling etc. Doesn't hoover. Very dusty everywhere. (But then it's been like that ever since I've known her - 15 years!) And dh's brother does NOTHING. Not even the garden. Sits in his room like an overgrown teenager all day. He's unemployed btw so has nothing else to do.

She is staying with us this weekend and have just checked her bag - she has NO toilet bag - no wash things, no toothbrush/toothpaste/anything. Help! And we do have a walk in shower where she just has to shut the door. have offered it to her many times and offered to put it on for her etc. Should I maybe get some Stannah brochures with special baths etc and show them to her? Trouble is, she hates change and is very independent - plus anything like that would involve dh's brother helping to organise appointments and fittings and (a) he doesn't realise that anything is wrong or needs changing and (b) he is about as much use as a chocolate fireguard - more of an old woman than she is!! And TBH we both work - dh v long hours - and have young kids and don't see why we should be doing this when dh's brother is sat at home being waited on by his mum! DH in denial about 'the smelling' and v embarrassed - v loathe to mention it to his mum. Help!

OP posts:

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 09/04/2011 11:59

Of course it can be down to pride chins, i'd struggle with the thought of anybody doing my intimate care too. As would most people.

She needs to be told she smells, chances are she doesn't realise how bad it is

chunkyjojo · 09/04/2011 12:03

She may well just be physically unable to do these things and is too proud to admit it. I know people might think cant be pride as is ok to smell but for a lot of older people losing their independence and privacy is a big deal and they would rather pretend to themselves and everyone else they are coping than admit they need someone to help them shower etc.

I have an elderly relative who was very independent well into her eighties, after suffering a fall she struggled with showering, dressing etc but would not accept help. She just ignored the fact that she was dirty and smelled, that the house was filthy etc because to her accepting help especially from social services etc was like admitting she was too old to cope.

i dont think you can just say "you smell" and expect her to sort it out. Can you or DH have a talk with her about how she's coping generally? Can I ask what condition her house would be in? If the upkeep of her home has started to deteriorate too that indicates she might be struggling

lesley33 · 09/04/2011 12:03

When you say DH is in denial about the smelling - does that mean he thinks she doesn't smell?

mumeeee · 09/04/2011 12:05

A strip wash can be fine. A lot of people of your MIL's age don't have baths or showers everyday. Alos most people I know of her generation don't throw things out.

Skinit · 09/04/2011 12:10

can you acompany her to have her nails done or hair done? Maybe have a treatment together? this could open up the channel of comuniction....

CalamityKate · 09/04/2011 12:16

Ugh.

Can't you just say firmly "time for your shower Mum - and here's a toothbrush I bought you because I see you forgot to bring yours again"?

If she says "I don't need a shower" say "Well, you do Mum - especially now the weather's getting warmer".

Just keep repeating it "We all need a shower"... "No, I'll have a strip wash" ... "We all need a proper shower" ... "I prefer a strip wash" ... "We all need a proper shower, otherwise we smell".

I think you need to keep repeating and repeating until she gets the message. Not being nasty - just repeating and repeating.

BlueAmy · 09/04/2011 12:22

I think you do need to confront the problem head on at this point. Maybe go with something like what CalamityKate suggests. Stay firm though. As awful as this sounds, you need to treat this situation like educating a child, once you say something, you have to follow through for the message to sink in.

I agree with the majority, a strip wash, if done properly, certainly is enough, but it's clear at this point that she's not doing it properly if you're in a situation where you are noticing a smell just with her being in your house.

Normally, I would say DH should deal with issues with his own mother, but I think with a subject like this, MIL might take it better coming from another female.

Good luck.

manticlimactic · 09/04/2011 12:23

CQ she sounds a lot like my mum, but my mum lives alone. My mum is 80 and says a strip wash is fine. She does smell a bit sometimes and I have to remind her gently to have a bath but she does say things like oh I had one the other day, when she hasn't. Her memory is failing and like your MIL does her shopping and the odd bit of cleaning (I go up and do it for her once a week). So although it may seem she's quite capable in other aspects of her life perhaps she does need a nudge with hygene.

How I broached the subject was to mention that she needs a bath/shower to make sure all the nooks and crannies are cleaned because as she is older she needs to make sure she doesn't pick up any infections.

My mum really doesn't like it when I nag (and I do nag, I'll admit it) about having a good wash and feels like I'm treating her like a baby but she did admit she loves it when I wash her hair for her in the bath and her back because she does struggle to do these things. Also I said I like to see how she's doing getting in and out of the bath because like a lot of old people they are too proud to admit when they really really need help.

pinksky · 09/04/2011 12:23

At that age it's quite normal to strip wash rather than bath/shower. My grandmother lived with us for 5 years before we couldn't manage any more, and she had baths very rarely (even though we had a bath lift) - mostly for hair washing. Certainly no showering - I think many of that generation have never used showers and would feel uncomfortable with showering.

I feel a bit sad about your post, and think you should be as tactful and as compassionate as possible, help her maintain her dignity in the later years of her life. Now she is with you, you could wash clothes for her and perhaps buy her a nice set of toiletries as a treat, maybe some talcum powder for after she strip washes. Also have more than one flannel - ideally these should be washed daily.

If you are seriously concerned about her ability to care for herself at home, or think there may be significant cognitive decline, ask the local authority whether they can arrange for a home needs assessment (or whatever they call them). Most councils have an older persons services page on their websites.
I would also highly recommend you call Age UK (merger of help the aged and age concern) for advice - 0800 169 6565
My job has involved a fair bit of contact with vulnerable older adults living in their own homes and my feeling is that these things should always be done in collaboration with the person it effects, and not forced upon them - appreciate that she is in a vulnerable position. And yes, it is a shame if this comes down to you when the brother is around, but it doesn't sound like he is capable of helping much.

diddl · 09/04/2011 12:26

My dad doesn´t shower every day (in his 80s) & he doesn´t smell.

He does wash with soap & use deoderant.

He also washes his clothes.

What does she smell of?

My dad wears the same clothes for a few days but still doesn´t smell.

lesley33 · 09/04/2011 12:30

You don't need to shower or change your clothes every day to avoid smelling. But the OP's MIL obviously isn't washing often/well enough to smell.

lesley33 · 09/04/2011 12:32

She may need adaptations to her home such as walk in bath or more accessible shower and it does sound as if it would be up to you and your DH to organise this.

I could totally understand how she might take to this more kindly than an offer for you to help her bathe. Understandably, most old peopel are very reluctant to allow anyone but a partner to help them bathe, until it is unavoidable.

atswimtwolengths · 09/04/2011 12:35

The fact is that though a strip wash may be OK occasionally, it's not enough on a regular basis. It just isn't. We sweat all over our bodies, not just in the obvious places and our bodies smell if they are not washed.

I think a lot of people of that generation don't like showers, but doesn't she like a bubble bath? You could wash her hair separately if she likes.

You could ask her how she's managing her washing. Say it's hard to get things clean, aren't washing machines marvellous, etc etc. If she doesn't have one and can't afford one, is there any way you can help her out with that? You can certainly wash everything she has once she's with you but then if she's going back home to dirty clothes, that's difficult. How is she managing to wash sheets and towels?

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