to expect MIL to wash/brush her teeth and smell nice?

[CocktailQueen]

My MIl is due to come and stay with us for a week soon and I am dreading it. She is 86 and doesn't wash - well, she washes but no baths/showers. She hasn't got a proper washing machine either and her clothes smell. She doesn't brush her teeth either and her breath smells. It's unbearable. I can't go in the car with her - enclosed space... Whenever she stays I have to air the house after her and use scented candles etc.... I have thought about asking her to shower etc but she says that a strip wash is fine. Well it isn't!!!!!!!!! Horrible. Is there a tactful way I can address this with her? Am sure it will be much nicer for her too if she could wash properly. BTW she lives with her 60yo son - dh's brother - who is useless. The DCs haven't said anything yet but am dreading the day when they do. Any help would be fab.

I think a thorough strip wash is enough. However someone who is elderly is less likely to be flexible and agile enough to have a thorough strip wash.

I think that she hasn't brought any toiletries with her might be a good way into a conversation directly with her. Say you have noticed she's forgotten her toiletries and ask her what she would like you or DH to pick up for her? If she won't engage with the conversation at all I would buy stuff anyway and leave it in her room.

I have been in the homes of many older people who are struggling to look after themselves as well as they have done, so for eg rarely changing bedding or washing clothes. They may be very very reluctant to discuss problems managing because they are fearful of the consequences of seeking help, even though in reality this may mean that they can live independently for longer. To an extent I think so what if a person isn't washing as well as they might, why should we impose cleanliness on them? At the same time, if it is indicative of serious problems coping day to day then something may needs to be done. But be aware that this may feel like a threat to her independence, hence my earlier comment about working together as far as is possible

OP, your MIL sounds rather like my Mum, who used to be very clean etc., but then just lost interest after my Dad died and she was living by herself. Either I or my brother used to go round, stick her washing in the machine, put her toothpaste on a brush for her (actually, she was usually quite able to brush her teeth until she had dementia in later years) and then run the bath and insist she got into it (when she had dementia, we tried to make it a bit of a laugh for her - much like you might be with toddlers). We didn't live near enough to do this every day, but we generally managed about twice a week between us.

I do agree with other posters who have said your MIL might be worried about falling as she gets in/out of the bath (my Mum was a bit like that, without encouragement). And I also agree that that generation were brought up to think a strip wash was perfectly fine - which it is, if it's done properly!

But I think it's a little strange that your BIL isn't suggesting these things to your MIL. Does he struggle with hygiene too? Why doesn't he put MIL's clothes in the wash? And at least suggest toothbrush/bath to her?

If you and DH are worried about talking to MIL in case you upset her (I know this can be a sensitive subject), could DH at least broach the subject with his brother?

Have you got a bath? At 86, she might not be used to showers, and I know a few older members of my family hate them and think they're new-fangled and unnecessary so they take baths instead. Could you run her a bubble bath one evening and suggest she goes for a 'relax'?

OP here again - to those who have suggested it, I'm sorry, I could not help MIL with bathing or washing her hair or anything - we don't have that kind of relationship and I would feel uncomfortable suggesting it. I don't think she is fit/confident enough to climb into a bath herself either. Ringing Age Concern is a good idea thanks; will also try Social Services.

BIL is just useless - would not admit there was a problem, would faff around for ages not getting anything done, then would say it wasn't his place, was for a female relative to sort ;-) Might mention it to him though by email and see what he says. Arghhh.

Also - dh was at his mum's house recently and noticed damp running down one wall so mentioned it to his mother who hadn't noticed it - nor had BIL (that's how useless he is) - so she's having to have the lounge replastered and more damp proofing added, and I know she's not looking forward to the upheaval (that's why she's coming to stay with us). She hasn't decorated the house for 40 years. And it looks it :( DH's dad died 12 years ago.

She's 86!! She probably struggles to do it herself. She probably has better things to do, like make the most of however many years she's got left.

Its fairly difficult for some 86 year olds to get in the bath though

Surely a strip wash takes FAR longer and is more faff than having a quick shower/bath?? Maybe not for the elderly/infirm, but for younger people I mean.

Id imagine in her day, in fact up until fairly recently, it was usual to have one bath a week and the rest of the time a strip wash.

TBH, when people "strip" wash I should imagine they do face, neck, pits & bits.

Shouldn´t think that that takes long.

calamitykate unfortunately, in my experience, hinting doesn't work and you have to be very blunt. Smelly people often don't realise they smell and only realise when told directly.

Sympathies OP. Dh's brother has a few personal issues, doesn't wash his clothes or himself often and smokes cheroots. He is a genuinely nice person but I struggle to stay in the same room as him for long because it just doesn't smell nice and made DH change the sheets after he came to stay.

Sorry I should expand on that last sentence. Obviously I change the sheets after all visitors, what I meant was that I couldn't bear to touch the sheets after he had been sleeping on them so DH had to strip the bed.

It may help to buy new underwear for her and throw out all the old. Get her plenty of new knickers, machine washable, and sort out a washing machine too.

I can remember as a child how bad the loo smelt after my gtgrandma (90ish) had been in there. Looking back on it, I can see that she had worn the same few pairs of knickers for years and years and only washed them occasionally, which she did by hand and, well, suffice to say they were nowhere near clean. She probably wore the same ones for weeks before changing them. They were all patched and mended, so she probably had the idea that they would last longer if they weren't washed too often! She wasn't hard-up, just thrifty by nature.

Well, I hope something gets sorted out.

Poor woman probably doesn´t realise quite how bad she smells, & if she did, might need help to something about it.

OP here - have rung her local AGE UK office and am waiting for them to ring me back with some ideas/suggestions.

Yuck-yuck-yuck.
My inlaws do this strip washing business (whatever it is) and it makes me cringe. Although they don't smell. When we go over there, they say we spend too much time in the shower!

And just thinking about clothes smelling like piss and sweat - gives me the shivers.

But what's the deal with not brushing her teeth daily?? I understand bathing daily may be difficult, but brushing teeth too?

Lucygoose, I have no idea. In her bathroom there is rarely a hand towel and usually only a tiny sliver of dried up soap - bleurgh. So assume she doesn't wash hands after going to the loo either. Blah.