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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel upset when it is referred to as a chemical pregnancy

37 replies

mumtoabeautifulbabyboy · 08/04/2011 21:24

OK, first post in AIBU and I am prepared for a flaming - feeling a bit reckless!

Just feeling a bit gutted at the moment. We have a gorgeous, adorable 19 month old and have been ttc for a few months. This month I tested at 4+ 3 days (after af was due). Got a positive pregnancy test. I then did about 4 tests per day as I couldn't beliveve our luck (no exaggeration). Was soooo happy imagining our little christmas baby daughter or son.

Anyway, after 4 day of positives, yesterday af came - I did another digital test and got a 'not pregnant'. Was ok about his as I know it's early days etc - hadn't told anyone. gutted, but ok.

Was meant to be visiting sil this weekend but didn't really feel up to it as I've had such a week of it with being soo happy then feeling down... DH (I didn't know) told Sil #9his sister) what had happened and she replied that I was being ridiculous, it wasn't a real pregnancy only a chemical and that I needed to get over myself.

Was upset that DH told me all this, but more gutted about what she said. AIBU to feel upset even though it was a chemical pregnancy/early miscarriage?

OP posts:
Original poster
mumtoabeautifulbabyboy · 08/04/2011 21:26

it is the fact that it so easily is brushed aside with the term chemical pregnancy that bothers me. As if it was nothing I suppose, when to me it really did feel like something even if only for a few days - obviously I know it would be worse had it happened later on.
AI really BU?

OP posts:
SouthGoingZax · 08/04/2011 21:27

YANBU. Your SIL may have been lucky enough never to have suffered a m/c and also seems to lack empathy.
A m/c is hard, whatever the stage of the pregnancy. Sorry it happened to you. Be kind to yourself and hope you have better luck soon.

CrapBag · 08/04/2011 21:28

Of course you are not BU! Your SIL is an insensitive cow. I have never experienced what you have (that I know of, I have had a couple of late periods and I never tested but I have always wondered if they could have been so called chemical pregnancies).

At the end of the day, you were pregnant. Sorry for your loss.

Don't visit her this weekend.

Northernlurker · 08/04/2011 21:28

Yanbu to be upset because you've lost your dream. However - sil's reaction makes me wonder if she has had either a later miscarriage or stillbirth? I think that upsetting as chemical pregnancy undoubtedly is, it would generally be agreed that it is less traumatic than a miscarriage with heavy blood loss or delivery of a baby who has died. However you can only deal with what you know - and what you know is that there was going to be a baby and now there isn't and that is very, very sad.
All I can suggest is that if you ttc again you don't test till a week after your period is due. You are more likely to then get a result that you can depend on.
Good luck.

TattyDevine · 08/04/2011 21:29

I thought a "chemical pregnancy" was in fact a molar pregnancy, one that is an empty sac that releases hormones (and can even become cancerous?)

If she's using this term on you simply for having an early test that didn't come about then she's a cow.

I need to google that, probably

Regardness of any technicalities, you are NOT being unreasonable - however - your DH is a donut for telling SIL your business and relating her opinion back to you at a time that you were vulnerable. What was he hoping to achieve by that, exactly?

YANBU

Kentmummy · 08/04/2011 21:30

What a cow!
She's technically correct... It's not an actual pregnancy but any normal person would be excited as the BFP and not assume it might be a chemical PG.
Id be bloody furious if i was in your shoes and would have to say something to the horrible witch.
I'm so sorry for your loss... Which it is a loss. That "chemical pregnancy" could have been your little one in 9 months time.
Sounds like she's a nasty piece of work.
I sincerely hope she never knows how much it can hurt.

TattyDevine · 08/04/2011 21:30

Sorry, that reads like a early test that doesn't come about isn't important, but that wasn't what I meant at all - just that chemical prengnacy I thought meant something else. Need to google that!

DuelingFanjo · 08/04/2011 21:31

if she used the words ridiculous and get over yourself then YANBU. that's just rude.

youcangetpregnantstandingup · 08/04/2011 21:32

YA so NBU, it's a very cold clinical sounding term. You lost your pregnancy and with it all your hopes and dreams and it is very painful. I am so sorry. I hope you are getting the support you need. The MC board here is very supportive.

I too have had an early MC and was astounded by some of the insensitive comments I received. Your SIL is very insensitive, don't let anyone try and minimise what you have experienced. Avoid her if you can for now and take good care of yourself.x

ChristinedePizan · 08/04/2011 21:33

Early pregnancy tests are frankly the devils work. I really wish it wasn't possible to test so early because they are so very likely to fail. Most women don't even know they have chemical pregnancies because they are so bloody common.

I'm sorry you are so horribly disappointed. Keep on trying and you will conceive again.

TattyDevine · 08/04/2011 21:34

Oh no, seems a molar is a molar!

Sorry.

Chemical - I guess that's HCG being detected but not resulting in a viable pregnancy.

I feel for you - I am a fellow early tester (much, much earlier than you!!!) and this is what I threw myself open to. I did have one actually, myself - positive for 3 days and then nothing. Then came on a couple of days later. I guess it just didn't stick.

It sucks!

Didn't put me off early testing though Grin

All the best, eh? Wine

TattyDevine · 08/04/2011 21:36

Oh fuck now that one sounds flippant. Sad

Sorry, OP, something is wrong with my brain-finger wiring tonight!!!

GwendolineMaryLacey · 08/04/2011 21:36

I know how you feel. I recently had a scan at 11 weeks and found out baby had died at 6 weeks. As if I didn't feel enough of a fraud that the pregnancy was already over as I sat in the doctor's with her calculating due dates on her little wheel, the people who said it was no big deal as 6 weeks is nothing pissed me right off. As far as you were concerned you were pregnant. As far as I was concerned I was 11 weeks pregnant. My judgement call not theirs.

I'm sorry this has happened to you, it's crap whenever and however it happens.

Original poster
mumtoabeautifulbabyboy · 08/04/2011 21:38

Thnks for the reponses - have had a cry. i think I justs needed to hear that I wasn't mad to be feeling a bit upset about the whole thing.
northernlurker - a good pint but no, sil has 4 children under 6 (sounds hard but she is a reallly good mum etc). She may have had probs that we don't know about but it seems unlikely.
yes, my dh absolutely realises that he was a complete moron telling me her thoughts but he thought that 'as we tell each other everything he thought I'd want to know'. uuumm nooo!
I do understand the pont about testing early but as I also have PCOS I am always of the mind that I want to know what is going on with my body. For example - early miscarriage can (sometimes) relate to a luteal phase defect - easily treated by vit b6 nd baby asprin etc...

Anyway thanks for the response. I think I just needed to hear that I wasn't being too u x

OP posts:
TattyDevine · 08/04/2011 21:39

Early loss is NOT an easy thing to take, I'm sure.

When I got pregnant with my first, it was after a stint of no luck followed by a break from TTC with major lifestyle changes followed by trying again and falling straight away.

We were chuffed to bits - we said "hey - at least now we know we can do it. Even if it doesn't stick, we know we can make fertilisation happen!!!" - and we were happy with that, that day.

About 3 days later, we confessed to each other that if it didn't stick now, we'd be gutted beyond belief.

I wasn't even due for about 2 days after that!!! (I test really early)

It IS important. When you see that line, its a lifeline. Its a timeline into the future that should draw beyond your own life, if the natural order of things happens...

ShowOfHands · 08/04/2011 21:40

TattyDevine, yes a chemical pregnancy is when an egg is fertilised and you start to produce hcg but for whatever reason (failure to implant properly, problem with egg/sperm), it fails very early and you bleed a few days later than you ordinarily would. They're very, very common and we know how common because of early testing.

Of course it might technically be a chemical pregnancy but there's no reason to be insensitive. When you see a 2nd line, you imagine a whole pregnancy, a birth and a life that will change your family forever. When you lose that pregnancy you lose an entire life you had planned.

Original poster
mumtoabeautifulbabyboy · 08/04/2011 21:42

Showofhands

Of course it might technically be a chemical pregnancy but there's no reason to be insensitive. When you see a 2nd line, you imagine a whole pregnancy, a birth and a life that will change your family forever. When you lose that pregnancy you lose an entire life you had planned.

That's it really, that's it x

OP posts:
Original poster
mumtoabeautifulbabyboy · 08/04/2011 21:44

GwendolineMaryLacy
I am so sorry for your loss, and obviously a mmc is so much worse. You must have been heartbroken.
xxx

OP posts:
ChristinedePizan · 08/04/2011 21:45

I just think that early PG testing is cruel. And my god I know how much you want to know (I've had a mc and fertility treatment) but to find out that you are and then you aren't seems much worse than not thinking you are in the first place to me.

Original poster
mumtoabeautifulbabyboy · 08/04/2011 21:46

TattDevine - didn't think you were being flippant at all. What you said makes sense.
I think I need that drink - DH is on lates and I am sitting here on laptop on my own! x

OP posts:
HecateQueenOfTheNight · 08/04/2011 21:49

I'm really sorry for you. This is the downside to these super sensitive tests. So many pregancies don't get through the early days, but before, we just didn't know. Now we can test so early and I'm not sure it's a good thing, not when it brings pain like you're experiencing now.

I think your SIL was heartless. Early days, yes, facts are facts re early pregnancy, but that doesn't matter. You felt that you were going to have a baby and then you weren't and anyone should be able to understand that that is upsetting.

Original poster
mumtoabeautifulbabyboy · 08/04/2011 21:50

ChritinedePizan
I agree, early pg testing is cruel. As I said though, the way I see it (as someone with fertility 'issues') is that I would rather know that ovulation and fertilisation is happening but then not implanting as I can then seek treatment and do something abut it.
It was just the way sil brushed it off as soooo unimportant that got to me, when to me, it was something. x

OP posts:
ChristinedePizan · 08/04/2011 21:53

I'm glad you agree - I didn't want to seem callous because I've been where you are. I just think it's a way of companies making £££ from desperate women which makes me really angry :(

Original poster
mumtoabeautifulbabyboy · 08/04/2011 21:59

Not callous at all xxx :(

OP posts:
TattyDevine · 08/04/2011 22:06

Not to be snippy on a support thread but I dont think its "desperate women"...its a choice to test, it doesn't always result from desperation, one way or the other (wanting a baby or not)...just using the technology that is available to you and making that information your own, regardless of outcome.

It would be perfectly reasonable to choose not to do an early test after your experience OP, but where do you draw the line? Even after your 12 week scan you are not "safe"...its a case of shit happens, whenever, for the grace of god/mother nature etc etc...

It would be incredibly infantising of women to restrict the sale of such technology to protect our desperate little souls. I know that's not what you were saying ChristinePizan but that's what it would equate to if the sale of such products were to be restricting, bearing in mind the technology now exists.

OP, I am not impressed that your husband (a) discussed this with your SIL and (b) relayed her views back to you at a time you were vulnerable. These actions, I feel, would be hard for him to justify to you.