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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or his DH

46 replies

needshoes · 08/04/2011 18:09

Have namechanged :(

DH and I are in debt. Big time. Dh is S/E and has struggled since Xmas and we are behind with so many things. I am the point of having my mobile cut off, we are negotiating with solicitors re payments to credit card companies, there is so much to pay but not enough coming in. The phone is always ringing from some company or other. Luckily the mortgage is paid

PLEASE dont bollock me about savings, im not asking for symphathy, we got ourselves in this mess i realise, but im needing to rant over my DHs attitude to all this.

Like i said, i think we have reached breaking point, we are trying to pay back what we owe but more and more seems to flop onto the doormat each day.

Prior to us getting together, DH owned a watch, a Rolex in fact. he doesnt wear it anymore however i have never considered asking him to get rid of it to pay things off, he worked hard for it and its his. He loves it and thats fine. The problem is now, hes making noises about selling it - to by a car. A 2nd car that is. A toy which he thinks he needs to make him happy. The car needs loads of work, a new engine in fact so if he got it it would just sit there until he could afford to do it up, but it will still needs insuring etc

He has a van for work which i know he gets sick of driving in at weekends if im working but FGS I just can not believe that he is even thinking of this at the moment.

I do not own a pair of shoes suitable for the summer heat, let alone any summer clothes. I look like a tramp to be honest and i resent all the other mums at the school gate with there lovely new summer clothes and im there in bloody old trainers and a skanky t shirt.
i work full time and my wage just goes into the pot to pay the household bills, so i never have ay money for me.

im just feel outraged that he is not focusing on helping to get us out of this hole and is being so incredibly selfish. We are struggling to run my car and his van at the moment and i am seriously selling my car that I love to buy something cheaper (which would break my heart but needs must).

Sorry its so long. FWIW we have been havibng huge relationship issues this last 6 months, its all gone pete tong and i just feel im at my wits end.

I feel like just walking away but dont want to destroy my DCs life.
I know if we focus we can get through this and finacially we will be ok, then he can SAVE up for his dream car, but he wants it now.

AIBU or is he being selfish?

OP posts:
Original poster
needshoes · 08/04/2011 18:11

Sorry meant to say Mortgage 'payments' are paid and i am considering selling the family car. (typing too quick in fury i think!)

OP posts:
exhausted2011 · 08/04/2011 18:15

i'm not going to flame you, been there with the finances.
if he is prepared to sell the watch, you need to sit down and figure out what needs paying.
btw, you can talk to the cc companies yourself, you can even buy yourself a month or so by telling them you are having difficulty and completing an assessment form.
i don't know about selfish, he is prepared to sell the watch, but maybe just not very practical

ashamedandconfused · 08/04/2011 18:15

it sounds like he is in denial about how bad things have got, or is immature and not facing up to his/your joint responsibilities - you should be cutting back on all non essentials, and making sacrifices so the kids do not have to go without stuff, not buying "toys " or indulging in expensive hobbies.

you need to have a heart to heart, you might have to threaten to leave him for him to see how worried you are

hugs to you

FriedEggyAndSlippery · 08/04/2011 18:16

Bloody hell no he's being ridiculous. Sorry you're going through this.

ashamedandconfused · 08/04/2011 18:17

oh and if his reasoning is that its his watch so if he sells it he can do what HE likes with the money, then yes, he is being unbelievably selfish and short sighted

Original poster
needshoes · 08/04/2011 18:20

He knows how bad things are, he has stuck his head in the sand for long enough, hence the solicitors letters, he just refused to call them saying he would do it tomorrow, etc and never did. He has now so he knows

I just cant understand how he can even think that at this moment in time, it is justifiable to want to buy a car. He simply thinks, his watch, his money which is fine and i dont begrude him that, but its just the audasity (sp) of it all. He thinks is perfectly ok to be this deep in shit and still want to the luxaries.
I keep telling him i have no shoes. Im not an expensive girl, a nice pair of sandals will do, but there isnt the money in front of us to go out and buy them.
Id rather he kept the watch tbh, at least that doesnt have running costs.

OP posts:
Malificence · 08/04/2011 18:20

For goodness sake get yourself over to the moneysaving expert website (debt free wanabe board) forums for some great advice, call the ccs, to look at getting a free debt management plan in place , if you can only pay the card companies £1 a month, they will have to accept it. Don't pay for advice that is out there for free.
However much you owe, there will be people on MSE who owe much more and who are handling it with some help.
Your husband's stance is a common one, being up to your neck in debt is so awful that he may well feel he needs something to "lift" himself, it's crazy but it's what some people do when they can't face the truth of a situation.
Whatever you do, don't go for an IVA, you will end up having to sell your house, all this rubbish about wiping out your debts after 5 years is criminal, if you own a house, they will want a chunk.
Of course he can't buy a "toy", he must realise that deep down.

Gemsy83 · 08/04/2011 18:20

Exhausted- hes prepared to sell his watch to buy himself another car! Not to try and get out of debt!

Original poster
needshoes · 08/04/2011 18:23

Yes i will go the MSE website. I just feel we got in this mess together, but im mad that hes adding fuel to the fire by wanting to add more crap, instead of facing up to helping to dig us out.

OP posts:
ashamedandconfused · 08/04/2011 18:24

i really do not get blokes like this - my mates DH was at the point of his business going under, they had had to lose staff, were moving into a small house and renting out their lovely family home, were relying on hand me downs to clothe the Dc, shopping at the end of the day to get all the reduced food - and he decided they would go abroad cos he needed a holiday in the sun Hmm

Malificence · 08/04/2011 18:27

It's massively common for people in huge debt to do this kind of thing, male or female.
Denial is a form of fake control in a situation which is out of control.

Acekicker · 08/04/2011 18:27

Please don't take this question the wrong way, and you don't have to answer if you don't want to....but.... is part of the reason you're in debt because DH has always spent 'because he deserves nice things' or he can't pass up a 'bargain'?

From what you're saying he sounds very like a family member I have who has been in horrendous debt for the last 7 years due to constantly buying 'nice stuff' - almost all of it justified either 'because it's a bargain'. Examples are 'well I bought this dress because it was reduced from £80 to £40 so it was a real bargain' (she sees that as 'saving' £40, never mind that she didn't need the dress in the first place) and 'I'm going on a city break to NY as I've been working so hard a deserve a break and a treat' (along with the fact that allegedly she would save so much on Xmas shopping so it was actually financially prudent Hmm.

He is absolutely BU (which you know I reckon) but what would worry me is that even though he's facing up to things now, his attitude sounds like it isn't changing. In the long term he'll need to face up to things (if he is like my family member) as otherwise once you're out of this particular situation he may well start spending again (and if he's like the person I know it will be exacerbated because she's 'been good for so long, and spent hardly any money that she really has earned some nice stuff')...

sloggies · 08/04/2011 18:31

YANBU - from what you say, getting yourself a cheaper pair of sandals isn't going to make that much difference. Rather than paying the solicitor to sort the finances, you are entitled to advice at the Citizens Advice Bureau, and they will help with the paperwork. Hope things get better for you.

Original poster
needshoes · 08/04/2011 18:44

Acekicker - No i dont really think that is it, he just needs things to make him happy.
From the outside we have it all, we have a lovely home much of which DH has renovated himself so that has cost us over the years but its done now so we should be enjoying it, I have a nice car, we have a holidays each year (not this year!) and he has nice clothes, im talking designer clothes. I dont have the nice clothes but thats because im not happy with my weight so dont want to buy particulary expensive clothes but id be happy with Tesco or George right now.
The kids have everything they want (and probably more) but its not that im buying them stuff all the time, esp not now but they are comfortable. its a worry knowing monday is coming round and its school dinner money due.

Sloggies - we not paying a solicitor ourselves, the CC companies have instructed them to contact us to recover money.

God i feel awful writing this down, i just cant believe that its got so bad. We should be having money to spare at this point in our lives not the other way round.

I know that we can get through it and when we do there will be lots of cash spare that isnt being spent on CC interest which will be a nice feeling and tbh we have been meaning to pay the cc off for so long, its actually better that we are having our hand forced to IYSWIM.

OP posts:
southmum · 08/04/2011 19:01

DH is BU

He needs to sell his watch. you need to downgrade your car and then you'll at least feel better that you are making progress

Although.....I am finding it a bit hard to swalllow your "Id be happy with Tesco or George right now" comment.........not sure why but its got my back up a bit.....

Original poster
needshoes · 08/04/2011 19:04

Southmum, im not saying there is anything wrong with Tesco or George, just that thery are relativey cheapish in price and its still not justifiable to spend money on me clothes, thats all.

OP posts:
nocake · 08/04/2011 19:08

This sounds very familiar to a situation a friend was in. Her husband had to buy things to make him happy while she worked hard to keep the family afloat. He wasted huge amounts on all sorts of things and ran up huge debts. She failed to get him to realise that he was dragging the family down and became fed up with paying his debts so their marriage eventually broke down.

Your DH needs to realise that until your debts are cleared and you're financially stable there is no money for anything unnecessary.

wannabesybil · 08/04/2011 19:19

Please check out the MoneysavingExpert website forums, especially the debt free wannabe board. There are a lot of really helpful people on there who have been where you are and are happy to share ideas, help and knowledge.

Good luck.

Also, have you sat down and totalled up what he would get for the watch and just how many eg mortgage payments it would cover? That may help him put it into perspective.

Original poster
needshoes · 08/04/2011 19:26

He knows what he would get for it, hes had it priced and is seeking the car within that amount. its prob about £5k, im not too sure. Like i said its not my watch, i dont expect him to sell it but neither do i expect him to sell it buy himself a new toy when we are this far in debt.
I guess it also rankles me that if i were MY watch, i would sell it and put the money on the table, for all of us and pay something off.
But i think that is prob more about my commitment to the family and resolving the issue and his lack of.

OP posts:
Gently · 08/04/2011 19:51

It's not 'his watch, his car', it's family money, and should be used for what is best for the family. What a selfish man.

Original poster
needshoes · 08/04/2011 20:48

Thanks everyone for your replies, just needed to vent. I think im more astounded and hurt by his mentality that what he wants he can have, by hook or by crook.

Hes happy to get a 2nd car which he doesnt need and in reality will have very limited usage out of it due to kids etc but he thinks its really really an option on the table.

How do i get him to realise that he has to prioritise and sort this mess out before any of us can start having an expensive hobby? I think that he sees it like it not going to cost any more money, but in relality it will do, of course it will, there is the insuranc,e the tax the petrol, for a start without even considering the expense in rgetting it running again - money that we just dont have and even if we did have it, its needs to be paid elsewhere.

OP posts:
Gently · 08/04/2011 21:28

You shouldn't need to 'get him to realise', it should be pretty bloody obvious! Just say no, this is not happening, the debts are the priority, get a grip man, this is not negotiable. End of conversation.

ChaoticAngelofDenial · 08/04/2011 21:40

YANBU

Your DH is being selfish and irresponsible.

PlopPlopPing · 09/04/2011 07:32

YANBU You DH is being so selfish. I don't know how you get him to realise that though!

We have money problems (I buy all my clothes and the kids clothes off of Ebay at the moment, maybe look there for some sandals?) and I've used money to pay off debts that was from selling something that meant a lot to me. My DH has some things which are valuable but have huge sentimentl value that he has suggested selling, at the moment I have told him to hang on to them as we are making all the payments (only just!) but I know he would do it if things got critical and I know he would use it to pay off debt. Everything we have coming in goes towards bills and food and house. The only money that we don't use for that is money we might get for birthdays. He uses his birthday money for a hobby and I use mine to buy clothes (Ebay so I get more for the money, birthday money has to kit me out for the whole year).

I feel for you but don't know what you can do! Is he always like this?

Have you tried saying to him "yes the Rolex is yours, so yes the money you get from it is yours, the debt is yours too though".

Or "so you want us to be in debt for the rest of our lives so that you can run more cars then you need?"

Or "grow up knobend" (ok that's childish)

spidookly · 09/04/2011 07:49

He has 5 grand sitting in his bedroom and you are going without shoes?

Are you fucking serious?

You are being chased for debts and he is keeping "his" money separate from what can be used to pay them off?

What a complete knobend.

I would make him choose between me and his watch.

Isn't he ashamed to put himself ahead of his family like that? It's not very manly, is it?