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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or his DH

46 replies

needshoes · 08/04/2011 18:09

Have namechanged :(

DH and I are in debt. Big time. Dh is S/E and has struggled since Xmas and we are behind with so many things. I am the point of having my mobile cut off, we are negotiating with solicitors re payments to credit card companies, there is so much to pay but not enough coming in. The phone is always ringing from some company or other. Luckily the mortgage is paid

PLEASE dont bollock me about savings, im not asking for symphathy, we got ourselves in this mess i realise, but im needing to rant over my DHs attitude to all this.

Like i said, i think we have reached breaking point, we are trying to pay back what we owe but more and more seems to flop onto the doormat each day.

Prior to us getting together, DH owned a watch, a Rolex in fact. he doesnt wear it anymore however i have never considered asking him to get rid of it to pay things off, he worked hard for it and its his. He loves it and thats fine. The problem is now, hes making noises about selling it - to by a car. A 2nd car that is. A toy which he thinks he needs to make him happy. The car needs loads of work, a new engine in fact so if he got it it would just sit there until he could afford to do it up, but it will still needs insuring etc

He has a van for work which i know he gets sick of driving in at weekends if im working but FGS I just can not believe that he is even thinking of this at the moment.

I do not own a pair of shoes suitable for the summer heat, let alone any summer clothes. I look like a tramp to be honest and i resent all the other mums at the school gate with there lovely new summer clothes and im there in bloody old trainers and a skanky t shirt.
i work full time and my wage just goes into the pot to pay the household bills, so i never have ay money for me.

im just feel outraged that he is not focusing on helping to get us out of this hole and is being so incredibly selfish. We are struggling to run my car and his van at the moment and i am seriously selling my car that I love to buy something cheaper (which would break my heart but needs must).

Sorry its so long. FWIW we have been havibng huge relationship issues this last 6 months, its all gone pete tong and i just feel im at my wits end.

I feel like just walking away but dont want to destroy my DCs life.
I know if we focus we can get through this and finacially we will be ok, then he can SAVE up for his dream car, but he wants it now.

AIBU or is he being selfish?

OP posts:

PlopPlopPing · 09/04/2011 08:06

He has 5 grand sitting in his bedroom and you are going without shoes?

That's a good way to sum it up.

Bogeyface · 09/04/2011 08:27

Do you think he would actually do it? Or could it be that he is using this as some sort of "If we win the lottery we could........" fantasy that is getting him through a bad time? If that is the case, then maybe you could counter it with "well, when things are better you can buy as many cars as you like!" and leave it at that. If, however you suspect that he will go ahead and buy it then he needs a bloody good dose of reality. I agree that the CAB is a good way to go, perhaps he isnt taking you seriously but he would listen to them.

ENormaSnob · 09/04/2011 08:28

What spidookly said.

He sounds like a selfish arse.

prettymuchapixiegirl · 09/04/2011 08:35

:( Really sorry to hear you're going through this, OP. I totally agree with those that say your DH is being selfish and also with the statement about him having 5 grand sat in the bedroom whilst you go without shoes.

My DH is a bit of a frivolous spender and would spend and spend if I didn't rein him in a bit. I try to budget on the food shop each week yet he will think nothing of popping to the shop because he doesn't "fancy" what's for tea and spending an extra £20, 2 or 3 times a week. He also just buys things as and when he wants, he never considers whether we can afford them. What I do is sit down with him regularly and we go through the finances, look at the bank balance and recent transactions. If he wants to buy something big, I now insist on checking we really can afford it before he gets it. But no way would he buy, say,yet another guitar if I was wearing threadbare clothes and had no footwear.

In the meantime, I would try to get yourself something summery to give yourself a boost. Maybe go to some charity shops, or there will probably be lots of boot sales on tomorrow. Or do you have a primark near you? They're doing flat summer sandals for £2.50 per pair in a whole range of colours. I had a pair last summer and they lasted really well, and I've just got a pair for this summer that again will probably last well. They also do nice summery vest tops and short sleeved tops for £2 each. Perhaps you could get yourself some bits like that that don't cost the earth, even if it means you have to "borrow" a little money from the kids' piggybanks. It would make you feel a bit better to have something new I'm sure.

StewieGriffinsMom · 09/04/2011 08:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

saffy85 · 09/04/2011 08:55

I'd be fuming. YANBU. At all.

The debt is both of yours (I assume) so if he has something he wants to sell he should use the money to help clear the debt.

How would he feel if the boot was on the other foot? If you had the Rolex and wanted to sell it to fund I dunno, a girly holiday with your mates or a shopping spree up London? While the family was up to their eyes in debt? Bet he wouldn't be happy...

HeadfirstForHalos · 09/04/2011 09:02

HIBU.

If we were in that very situation, my dh would sell the watch without hesitation, use most of it to pay bills, buy me a couple of cheap outfits for summer, any other essentials we desperately needed (school uniform etc), and maybe a takeaway and a bottle of wine to cheer us up. It wouldn't even cross his mind to be so selfish with the money, he's not perfect but he puts us first.

He says it's his money he can do what he likes with it, but the car is going to add to the monthly outgoings with insurance/road tax, and parts to do it up. He is being ridiculous. I hope he sees sense, and I really feel for you.

thumbwitch · 09/04/2011 09:13

YANBU. I cannot bear people who do not face up to their financial issues and responsibilities.
If he can bear to part with his useless Rolex, then he can bloody well put the money into the pot to help offset the debts, which no doubt he helped create.
Buying another car, one that doesn't even work without more money being spent on it, is beyond selfishly moronic.
Absolutely insane thing to do.
I really don't care if he thinks he "needs it to make him happy" - if he pulled his finger out and helped with sorting out the financial situation, instead of adding to the problems, then you could all be happier in the long run - and he coudl still get his stupid boy's toy car when you were all square again.

Sorry, half my family has profligate spending habits and debt issues and it seriously fucks me off, because it's always someone else who ends up bailing them out.

Do remind him that if any of this ends up in court and you get CCJs against you, it will adversely affect you for a long time; and if you go bankrupt, even longer.

lenak · 09/04/2011 09:17

The way to get him to see the situation is to get it all down on paper.

Second what Malficience said - get yourself onto MSE and complete a Statement of Affairs. This will detail all of your incomings, outgoings and debt. If he can see it all written down, he may get his head out of the sand.

They will also be able to help you out over there in terms of making minimum payments to your creditors so that the solicitors are off your backs.

You should also consider approaching a debt management company (make sure you choose a free one not one that charges) to take the pressure off - you can then tell your creditors to contact them rather than you.

You should also point out to your DH that if you get to the point where your creditors get a CCJ against you and decide to call in the bailiffs, a car would be a lot easier for them to take than a watch because they wouldn't need to get access to the house to take the car!

PebblesAndWine · 09/04/2011 10:53

Call cccs, have you considered an iva? Our monthly repayments have gone down to 223 from 1099. It will be paid off in 5 years. Our credit is shot. But I never ever want credit again anyway.....YANBU at all by the way, at all.

Good luck

tooshorttonotice · 09/04/2011 11:28

Don't know what the watch is worth but if it can pay for a car how about he spends a couple hundred on a something for himself, you spend a couple hundred on some summer clothes and you spend the rest paying off something.

Good luck

CalamityKate · 09/04/2011 11:56

In response to Acekicker on page 1 - I've got a friend who's exactly the same, re: buying clothes.

Example: We're both in Karen Millen, and there's a dress I quite like. I try it on and it looks OK, but not amazing; I'd probably find far nicer for half the price. My friend says "But it's reduced, look - it's only £70 and it used to be £140! That's HALF PRICE!!" I say "Er, yeah - but it's still £70. And I don't even like it that much". She says "But you're saving SEVENTY POUNDS!!!" I say "Um... if I buy it, I'm LOSING £70".

Clueless. I think it's because she's fairly loaded, and can't understand why spending £70 on a dress you don't absolutely LOVE isn't something most normal people are in a position to do.

OP, he's being a moron. Tell him.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 09/04/2011 12:08

You will get out of debt quicker by getting rid of your H. I wouldn't be at all surprised if most of the debt has been caused by him spending money on treats for himself.
It sounds like he's got a bit of a problem TBH: anyone who 'needs things to make them happy' will never BE happy, because there are always going to be more things that they want.
It's almost ipossible to get a selfish, entitled man to understand that he is not the only person in the house, and that his partner and DC are people too and resources should be shared. So you may well have to dump him and cut yourself loose from him financially.

sungirltan · 09/04/2011 12:09

op, your dh is b a bit u. otoh it is his watch and as you say you'd rather he didn't sell it but taking on a new expense at the moment is VU!!

in the mean time why not have a big clear out of outgrown kids clothes/toys and sell some stuff (apologies if you have already done this) - at least this would give you some cash in your hand (dont bank it for now) - and buy some summer shoes - thats a v reasonable expense.

etyksm · 09/04/2011 12:18

If you want some real practical non judgemental advice try here
boards.fool.co.uk/dealing-with-debt-50079.aspx
It's an anonymous duscussion board with experts as well as people who are either dealing with their own debt or who have been through the pain and are now trying to help others.

mamatomany · 09/04/2011 12:20

Is it really half your debt or is it his and your being nice (a mug) ? I'm sorry but I've split up with people over less than this and attitude towards money is a huge factor in compatibility.

SpringyMcSpringyPants · 09/04/2011 13:07

Ok if it is business debt then he needs to ring Business Debtline . They will offer him free and impartial advice and go through his options with him www.bdl.org

I also second getting onto MSE and chatting to the guys on there. They are a great bunch and will help with yor SoA.

He needs to pull his head out of his arse and start behaving like a responsible adult with a family to support. Has he thought what will happen if he has to go bankrupt.

SpringyMcSpringyPants · 09/04/2011 13:08

Sorry that. Address should be www.bdl.org.uk

LoveBeingKnockedUp · 09/04/2011 13:25

Christans against debt have a really good booklet you can download which includes a budget planner and template letters to send to people like credit card companys. Look at the budget please. It also tells you which debts should be paid first. The planner is one that can be used to send to cc companies and recommends you reduce your payments to £1 if that's all you can afford. It even gives advice on making a final offer to them.

GnomeDePlume · 09/04/2011 19:18

Needshoes I guess that if solicitors are involved then things are pretty bad. Something you may want to point out to your DH is that if things end up with bailiffs then the Rolex will make something close to its value. The clapped out car your DH wants to fritter £5000 on will be lucky to make £200.

Also, the county courts take a very dim view of people whose frivolous actions have increased their debt (unnecessary cars, holidays etc). Your DH seems determined to wheel you all off to hell in a handcart (or perhaps a clapped out car).

Arion · 09/04/2011 21:56

I used CCCS (consumer credit counselling service) when I got myself into loads of debt, they're a charity and will liaise with creditors to get interest stopped so that you can pay off the debts. They don't charge for the service and they will look at income and outgoings and help to set a reasonable budget and repayment plan.

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