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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be appalled by DH's insensitivity FFS

33 replies

drivingmecrackers · 07/04/2011 21:41

DH is organising a stag do, so lots of emails going back & forth. Gets an email from one stag (a good friend of his) tonight saying that his mum had died at the w/e. So DH rings said stag (me thinking it's to give his condolences), stag not answering so DH leaves message

"Hi X, it's X, hope you're well, obviously sorry to hear about your mum, it must be a difficult time for you (all this was said in a matter of fact almost blaze tone of voice), but onto lighter things, the stag do, it would be great to get your input blah blah, give me a call tonight or during the day tomorrow blah blah"

I was horrified. Is it a bloke thing? If I was his mate I would be so insulted & would want to deck him one. Am Angry and have namechanged because I am so embarrassed

OP posts:
fivegomadinthelambingshed · 07/04/2011 21:43

That is awful sorry, I am embarrassed with you.

Pheebe · 07/04/2011 21:44

Fucking hell Shock Never before have I sworn like that on here but .... fucking hell Shock. No it isn't a 'bloke' thing, sorry to say it's a twat thing Sad for his probably-soon-to-be-ex mate

lockets · 07/04/2011 21:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nevin · 07/04/2011 21:44

Oh my god, I would have torn him a new one! How frickin' insensitive! Did he even realise? Did he regret it afterwards? Oh the shame...!

Flowerpotmummy · 07/04/2011 21:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HumphreyCobbler · 07/04/2011 21:46

that is awful, get him to phone and apologise unreservedly, ask how his friend is and if there is anything he can do to help.

Northernlurker · 07/04/2011 21:46

Oh dear - yanbu. Do you know the friend? Is there anything to be gained by ringing and passing on condolences and words to the effect of ignore dh, he was a prat!

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 07/04/2011 21:48

Have you actually spoken to him yet about this does he realise quite how big a twat he is.?

Or and YANBU to be appalled!

He needs to sort himself out and show some (any) compassion now!

Original poster
drivingmecrackers · 07/04/2011 21:48

He only sort of realised - he came off the phone and I said 'oh my god' - he said 'what, saying 'on a lighter note'... so I told him exactly what I thought and he has been quiet ever since. I WANT TO SCREAM. He is not known for his sensitivity but this takes the biscuit

OP posts:
nectarina · 07/04/2011 21:48

Ouch! To echo lockets, its not a bloke thing. Have you said anything to him? and what is his defence?

DontGoCurly · 07/04/2011 21:48

yanbu. that was disgraceful. sorry op.

bubblecoral · 07/04/2011 21:50

It's quite possibly a bloke thing. The other stag might feel like your dh is being supportive because he's not doing the thing of not contacting someone who is recently bereaved, or assuming that this person can't think about anything else, nor is youe dh treating his friend like he is temporarily abnormal. All these things do happen to people that have recently been bereaved, and it can make it even harder. I think the fact that your dh is behaving normally is a good thing.

I wouldn't speak like that to one of my friends that had just lost her Mum, but that doesn't make me right, there is no right way. Maybe it's a 'woman thing' that we would find it insensitive to talk like that.

So, YANBU but neither is your DH. Let him get on with running his friendship however he wants. Smile

Bringonthegoat · 07/04/2011 21:51

YANBU to be appalled. Agree it's a knobber thing not a 'bloke' thing. Has your H ever lost anyone close to him? Am thinking that must be a NO! It is hard to understand how hard losing someone is, if you never have. Doesn;t sound like he tried hard to empathise though. I'd be giving him a chat on 'how not to be a knob'.

DontGoCurly · 07/04/2011 21:55

To me the fact that he's been quiet ever since shows that he is at least reflecting on it.

I lost my Mother last year but if I was in the bereaved friends shoes I could forgive this as just a brain-fart if the person just rang me back and left a message to say 'so sorry if my previous message was inappropriate, i was in shock or on autopilot' etc

I wouldn't just leave it though.

Original poster
drivingmecrackers · 07/04/2011 21:56

hmmm he has just come into the lounge and said "I've just sent x an email", so I ask what & he says "saying sorry if my message sounded flippant, I didn't mean to be" - he didn't go into the rest but it was quite a long email because I saw him typing something as soon as I'd pointed out what a twat he'd been

OP posts:
Northernlurker · 07/04/2011 21:59

That's good. Your dh sounds like a decent chap - it takes a lot to face up to the embarassment of being a total arse!

bubblecoral · 07/04/2011 22:01

Hmm, this is interesting. When I lost my Dad I was quite young, and I genuinely appreciated the fact that my mates still wanted to ask me about where we were going on Saturday night. It was the ones that thought they couldn't talk to me as if I was still normal that pissed me off. I always knew my friends cared and they were still there when I wanted to cry or mope or needed practical help. I really don't think what your dh did was that bad, but obviously I'm in the minority! Smile

Original poster
drivingmecrackers · 07/04/2011 22:01

he is a decent chap northernlurker just fucking a bit insensitive sometimes

OP posts:
DontGoCurly · 07/04/2011 22:02

ah. he sounds mortified the poor man. hope it all gets sorted op.

Original poster
drivingmecrackers · 07/04/2011 22:07

interesting to hear your pov bubblecoral. I see your point, and can understand it, but there would have been a more sensitive way of doing it Smile

OP posts:
vegetariandumpling · 07/04/2011 22:44

Some people just become uncomfortable when dealing with a bereaved person and don't really know what to say. It's why some people just avoid talking to them. And is this the stag whose wedding it is? If so your DH probably assumed that he wouldn't cancel the wedding, therefore wouldn't cancel the stag either?

I do think that 'on a lighter note' was perhaps not the best turn of phrase though Grin

dollyshouse · 07/04/2011 22:55

Men are crap on the phone even when they get through to the person they need to speak to and double shit when they get an answer phone, all he will have wanted was to get off it asap if anything like mine. It sounds to me that he has been struggling for what to say and blurted out about the stag do, no thought given to the choice of words. Great that he has emailed to apologise, takes a man to admit when they're wrong esp to another man!! go easy on him now he'll feel like a twat as it is bless!

manicinsomniac · 07/04/2011 23:51

Actually, I think that, depending on the person, he handled it correctly. FOr may people, that would have been the wrong type of thing to say but he knows his friend.

My Dad died when I was 22. And that kind of message was the only kind I could cope with; messages that gave me a way out of talking about it and something else to focus on. I could have phoned someone like your husband back and chatted about plans. But people who left messages saying 'oh my god I'm so sorry how dreadful please let me know if there's anything I can do or if you want to talk' then I couldn't ring them back because no there was nothing they could do and no the last thing I wanted to do was talk about it.

silverfrog · 08/04/2011 00:00

if the friend is a good one, then maybe your dh knows how to handle it?

I went on holiday, with 4 university frineds, the week after my mum died (I ha nursed her through ehr illness - been her carer etc, so very close to it all).

I actually called them and aske dif they minded if I still came, as I clearly wouldn't be the life and soul of the trip, but would appreciate something proceeding normally, as it had been planned.

I didn't want everyone around me treading on eggshells, or cancelling stuff, or changing things - things had been changed enough already

what I DID want was for people to acknowledge if I wasn't feelign the most cheerful on a particular day, or didn't want ot go out one evening, but that didn't mean I wasn't still a person, who could enjoy things, or be happy (occasionally).

we had a great holiday, FWIW - 5 university friends, the year after graduation. I am glad I went, it helped me enormously to do somehting normal for a week.

saffy85 · 08/04/2011 06:31

YANBU at ALL Shock not a bloke thing but an insensitive prick thing.