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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

or is this what family life is like?

51 replies

tillymint1924 · 07/04/2011 16:33

I am finding it really hard to cope with the constant stream of visitors (mainly in laws) to my house ever since my now 6 month old baby was born. Until he was born no one ever came here and that suited dh and I fine. I had an arms length type relationship with PIL's in that I could pick and choose when I saw them and it didn't seem a problem on either side that we weren't particularly close. I am very close to my family but often saw them without dh, again no bad feeling, I used to go to see them when he was working etc.
Now though, I am a sahm and PIL's seem to think it's their right to pop in as and when as they want to see the baby. As I said we are not particularly close, I know they want to see the baby and not me, but I just find it really intrusive.
On top of them it is also dh's brother and two sisters who call round every weekend (all at different times, they all want to have the baby to themselves so purposely call separately).
Dh and I have had no end of arguements about this. He knows I think it is too much, but he is happy to see his family happy (first granchild and nephew for them all). I see my family during the week when dh is working so he rarely sees them, but I feel like we have open house to his family and as a result get no quiet family time at the weekend on our own.
So, is this a familiar scenario with anyone and how did you deal with it?

OP posts:

heliumballoons · 07/04/2011 16:43

I can understand people wanting to see the baby but that does seem a bit much.

I'm presuming your weekends are your family time (Dh,you and DC?) If so you need to make this clear.

I'd book some groups to attend and tell PIL what days are out of bounds as you are doing x,y and z.

Only thing I would say is please don't make PIL have less time than your family.

YANBU.

WidowWadman · 07/04/2011 16:55

So basically you're happy to be close to your family, while you're not fussed about your husband's family. You can see your family during the week, I presume he can't because he's working, so it's obvious they call at the weekends.

It seems that it's all about you and what suits you, and you don't give a damn about your husbands family, whether he wants to spend time with them, or whether the baby maybe wants to see its paternal family as much as the maternal family.

Whilst I can understand that you also want some quiet just you, husband and baby time, your posting smacks of total disregard of anyone elses feelings.

You say that it suits you well to be at arms length and you assume that it suits the others, too, but do you know? Maybe your husband is happy that the baby brought his family closer?

OliPolly · 07/04/2011 16:57

I am with Widow.

YABU because your DH can't see his family during the week.

YANBU about wanting some time alone though.

Firawla · 07/04/2011 17:01

I would start going out more so they can see that you are busy at times and not just sat at home waiting for people to drop in

millie30 · 07/04/2011 17:05

Could you not start arranging things to do with your DH and DS on one of the weekend days, and then tell your ILs that you are free for visiting on the other day?

Adversecamber · 07/04/2011 17:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wendyfromtheyard · 07/04/2011 17:21

Have a look at the threads where people are in a state because they have to have an operation/go in to have a baby and have no family near them. Count yourself lucky to have people who are interested in your baby, think how loved it is.

shimmerysilverglitter · 07/04/2011 17:41

I am inclined to agree with Wendy. My in laws were just like yours OP and also ds was PFB for everyone. Used to get right on my tits, all the visitors. Now two dc later and PIL have moved abroad and SIL have families of their own and I have no one at all to help out, realise now how lucky I was with a troop of babysitters on hand.

Original poster

tillymint1924 · 07/04/2011 17:42

Ok, thanks everyone.

Helium and Widow, it might not come across but I am aware how easily the paternal gp's can feel left out and that was never my intention. If I am out they will call back at times they know people with babies will be in, like 10am or 7pm.
Widow, yes I am assuming the arms length situation suited both of us, but dh and I have been together for a long time and his Mum never tried to be chummy with just me or anything. I don't think we hate each other, we just don't gel. But thanks for making me think about it a little differently.
Millie, we have gone out on the weekend but as I say they will make sure they come before we go or after.
I know it might sound like I'm all for my own family, but when you havent had much sleep, you just want a quiet Sat/Sun morning and not a house full of visitors, from either side of the family.

OP posts:

mitochondria · 07/04/2011 17:45

Seems reasonable to have one weekend day for visitors, and one without.

Anyway, if they're visiting the baby, not you - no reason why you have to get out of bed!

Are they expecting you to provide meals?

fuzzywuzzy · 07/04/2011 17:47

Can you and your DH suggest a day when his family can come round and one day when the three of you are together as a fmialy?

So say Saturdays are taken up with family, and Sunday is your three alone.

I can totally see your point, you dont want ot bar your in laws, but you need your own family time, if they wanted to come over during the week would that suit you?

Original poster

tillymint1924 · 07/04/2011 17:58

Thanks everyone, the visiting can last for anything between one to three hours, no one has expected meals just drinks. But when it's one lot coming as one lot leave then yes it does my head in. All our brothers and sisters work during the week so have to come at weekends and my PIL's like to come twice during the week and once at weekend. So if we claimed one day as our own you can imagine what the other day would be like.
I have tried to talk myself round with some of the points you've made but its just got to me today.

OP posts:

CointreauVersial · 07/04/2011 17:59

I can see your pov, but echo what others have said - think yourself lucky that you have caring family members who take an active interest in their newest recruit! After all, won't be long before you'll be glad of the occasional babysitting/childcare.

But maybe put the message out there "DH and I are doing such-and-such next Saturday, so we'd like some time to ourselves"

mrsravelstein · 07/04/2011 18:05

echoing the others really, but perhaps you can turn it to your advantage... for example, could you suggest to MIL that she looks after the baby once a week for a couple of hours, so you can go to the gym or shopping or knitting club or whatever floats your boat... a bit of time alone with the baby might sate her appetite more than having to 'share'? likewise perhaps with the BIL/SIL you could get some sort of saturday night rota going so you can pop out to the cinema with dh? (i'm slightly jealous at the thought of this, actually!)

alarkaspree · 07/04/2011 18:05

How about just asking them to co-ordinate their visits better (for you)? I know you've said that they deliberately come at different times to get the baby to themselves but that's not necessary and a bit selfish. Couldn't you say 'we love seeing you and know that you want to see ds a lot, but all these separate visits are a bit much for us. Can you all come for lunch on Saturday?' It is actually up to you when people visit your home but if you are a bit proactive about it and invite them for a specific time then there's less chance of them feeling like their noses have been put out of joint.

mitochondria · 07/04/2011 18:07

Hmm, in the long run I think you'll have to encourage one of the brothers / sisters in law to have a baby, that should take a bit of the pressure off.

It was a bit like this when I had my first, by the time the second one came along SIL was pregnant and they lost interest.

What does your husband think? If he's amenable to the "one visiting day, one just us day" suggestion, he'll need to be the one to tell them.

BlooferLady · 07/04/2011 18:15

Hmmm. I have to say, if either side of the family took to dropping by so often - for whatever reason - I would consider emigrating to New Zealand.

In my (curmudgeonly and solitary) opinion, YADNBU.

Also, I will never understand why people think babies are somehow the property of the entire family. The whole thing would get right on my wick.

AintMissBeehiving · 07/04/2011 18:17

I can't believe your moaning about your husband's family wanting to see and pay attention to your child! How lovely for the baby as they're growing up to feel that they're in they're in the centre of a loving extended family!

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 07/04/2011 18:19

Why don't you start popping in to see his family during the week too or even inviting them round then ? Problem solved...... I feel a bit sorry for them tbh

BlooferLady · 07/04/2011 18:20

Hang on a second! The OP's not complaining about family wanting to see the child - three separate sets of in-laws come round every weekend at different times! That's bonkers, surely . How the devil are you supposed to plan your own time, get anything done, relax, have time alone with your own child?!

I really, really feel for you OP. So there.

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 07/04/2011 18:34

Yesssssssssssss, but the op visits her own family during the week. So when are the inlaws supposed to see the child ? They grow up so quick.... of course they want to be involved !

colditz · 07/04/2011 18:38

Sorry, i'd say bollocks to the lot of them. it's a baby, not a new computer game, and people can't just turn up in separate droves in order to 'have a go' at it.

gkys · 07/04/2011 18:45

am about to be flamed but here goes, my advice tell them that you are busy on either sat or sun, you want family time, just you, could they call around at a said time, if they don't stick to it explain you have to go out, and go.

my dc spent more time with my mum than pil, simply because she was at home and pil were at work, circumstances have changed now but once a week is plenty, for them and us, (three boys, we are more a traveling act than a family now ) obviously more offen in school holidays, lovely to spend time with family, but you time is fantastic too

BlooferLady · 07/04/2011 18:51

Zackly, Colditz. It's not a toy there for their amusement. Of course babies are a wonderful focus at family events and people want to get involved, but this business of people being entitled to see it when they like? Just don't get it.

eyeofhorus · 07/04/2011 18:53

if i was you I'd leave the baby at home with DH and go have a coffee for a couple hours; he can see family, you can avoid PIL.

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