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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or is this what family life is like?

51 replies

tillymint1924 · 07/04/2011 16:33

I am finding it really hard to cope with the constant stream of visitors (mainly in laws) to my house ever since my now 6 month old baby was born. Until he was born no one ever came here and that suited dh and I fine. I had an arms length type relationship with PIL's in that I could pick and choose when I saw them and it didn't seem a problem on either side that we weren't particularly close. I am very close to my family but often saw them without dh, again no bad feeling, I used to go to see them when he was working etc.
Now though, I am a sahm and PIL's seem to think it's their right to pop in as and when as they want to see the baby. As I said we are not particularly close, I know they want to see the baby and not me, but I just find it really intrusive.
On top of them it is also dh's brother and two sisters who call round every weekend (all at different times, they all want to have the baby to themselves so purposely call separately).
Dh and I have had no end of arguements about this. He knows I think it is too much, but he is happy to see his family happy (first granchild and nephew for them all). I see my family during the week when dh is working so he rarely sees them, but I feel like we have open house to his family and as a result get no quiet family time at the weekend on our own.
So, is this a familiar scenario with anyone and how did you deal with it?

OP posts:
theborrower · 07/04/2011 18:53

If they're popping round unannounced, then YADNBU. My own family annoy me when they do this - I want a phone call first asking if it's a good time. And if it's really not, even if it's just because I need some peace, I tell them. Doesn't always go down so well, but I don't think it's on for people to just presume they can come and visit.

But YAB a bit U if DH can't see his family throughout the week, but your side get to see Baby all the time.

Yep, having lots of people insisiting on seeing The Baby frequently is part of family life. But that's not a bad thing.

moomaa · 07/04/2011 18:55

You could just do whatever you would be doing anyway. If they come so often they must be familiar with the place, so just tell them to get their own drinks if they want them, hand over baby and get on with stuff.

Or still be in your PJs with curtains shut cuddling the baby.

DontGoCurly · 07/04/2011 18:57

YANBU

It's your house as well as your DH's.

My brother has a beautiful baby but I talk directly to his Mum when I want to call. I also help her practically when I am there. I take the baby (ebf) and facilitate HER needs totally.

The way I see it is she is my nephews Mother and she deserves respect. I think your DH and IL's are being unreasonable. They should phone YOU to check if it suits to call.

I do errands/lifts/favours for my SIL as she is ebf she finds it hard to get to the shops/doctors/chemist, especially if baby nephew is sick. I don't excpect 'special exclusive time' to myself with him. But actually it now works out that way. Because SIL knows I help (not just visit) so no yadnbu.

If the IL's want babytime they have to respect your wishes and earn your trust. Not just force themselves on you regardless of whether it is convenient.

PenguinArmy · 07/04/2011 19:02

So your ILs pop round 3 times a week.

how often do you see your family.

IMO YANBU just because you see you're family (who support you and actually want to see you) doesn't mean it is then open house for everyone else).

My ILs came round once a week at a designated time (at their convenience of course, despite it apparently being to help me out)

delicatequestion · 07/04/2011 19:09

I hated the intial visitors when DS was born but then it didnt last 6 months, you have my sympathy - I would be anoyed if we couldnt have PJ days at weekends and is good we dont have family near by for this reason (but not for others)

Nuttychic · 07/04/2011 19:16

I understand you are tired but dont seem tired enough to visit your family. I see your baby is a son and all I can just say is that I am so pleased I believe in karma. You will be on the receiving end of a daughter in law who puts her family and feelings above your sons or yours. I can only imagine what it must feel like for In laws. I dont think a woman loves her son or grandchilden any less that a mother of a daughter.

Salmotrutta · 07/04/2011 19:19

I can understand your frustration - I was you 20 odd years ago!
My ILs used to turn up because they were "just passing" Hmm. Despite the fact that you couldn't really pass our house to go anywhere!!
It was mainly my MILs instigation as FIL just tended to fall in with her demands wishes. It tailed off though when, as often as not, we were genuinely on our way out or in the middle of something.
I dealt with it by reminding myself that she didn't see her other GCs as they were overseas and she missed out on them. She only wanted to interfere be involved and it didn't harm anyone. I was also scrupulously fair with visits - one visit each week to each set of GPs.
MIL even once told me that I was very fair about visits.
It will get better and I think you just have to plan things and let them know you are going out etc. - the good weather will see you out and about doing all sorts of family things.

CurrySpice · 07/04/2011 19:19

They may not be your blood relatives but they are your child's. That shifts the balance on everything imho

I think you are very very lucky to have so much family around you who give a flying fuck about your child (me? bitter? never! Hmm)

And when the years pass and you need help and support, you might not be quite so dismissive.

So yes, I think YABU

freddy05 · 07/04/2011 19:25

Anyone who thinks that other relatives access to the baby should come before your family life is barking mad!! Spending all weekend with other people in your house rather than building a solid faimly is only going to end one way and thats not good for anyone.

If you're at home with the baby during the day that is your job and your time with the baby if you don't want people dropping in tell them to go away, they wouldn't come to your office. If you want to go see your friends or family then this is your time to do that and enjoy not being at work.

However much people want to see the baby every week is excessive. I personally would say one afternoon a fortnight when they can all come together, if you're getting to see your family during the week then atleast they don't have to share that time with your family as well. This gives plenty of family time for you and plenty of time for other people to see the baby.

SandieIrons · 07/04/2011 19:26

Agggh it would drive me up the wall. Visits are absolutely find if and ONLY if they call first and find out if it's convenient. And there must be no pressure to say yes, so say no the first couple of times. Oh and when I say call I mean the day before not - 'we will be passing in ten minutes is it OK to pop in'. Been there - said no. How about if you say you are trying to get a routine going so stuff needs to be planned now?

cat64 · 07/04/2011 19:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

schroeder · 07/04/2011 19:30

yanbu I could not cope with one set of visitors a week, let alone three Shock.

You should be able to enjoy your dh and dc by yourself at the weekend.

I would agree with others who have said you should choose one weekend day for visitors and leave the other free, so you can have a pyjama day (or whatever you fancy).

Zimbah · 07/04/2011 19:31

I get on really really well with my parents, sister, parents in law and brother in law. But a constant stream of visitors every single weekend? Way too much. How are you meant to have time with just you, DH and DS? Time to relax, be a little family, slummock around etc. I'm not surprised it's driving you mad. I'm amazed that lots of replies seem to think this is totally normal and YABU, it seems barking mad to me. Think you will have to get DH onside to set some boundaries as suggested - a set visiting time of one afternoon on one weekend day only or similar.

freddy05 · 07/04/2011 19:34

she says she gets no family time because of all the visitors and people say she is being unreasonable. She is getting lots of extended family time thats not an issue just none with her, her husband and child and that does have to be a priority not just the scraps that are left when others have had their share. especially if she is feeling so upset by not having any.

JingleMum · 07/04/2011 19:35

OP - it did come across in your first post that it was ok for your family to come whenever, jut not your inlaws. it goes without saying that would be unreasonable. would you like to be in that position one day? you are, after all, going to be a MIL one day.

i do feel for you though, this is all too much. 3 times a week is ridiculous. whether you like it or not they are kind of your family now and they are your DS's blood relatives. if i was you i would pop around to visit them once a week for an hour or two and have a cup of tea with them, then it can be on your terms (days, times etc..) or perhaps ask MIL to come over on a certain day a week and watch your DS for a couple of hours whilst you run errands/catch up with friends etc? that way she still gets to see him but isn't popping over whenever she feels like.

the weekends should be for you, DH and DS. they've got a cheek all turning up the way they do every weekend. your DH needs to tell them this is your time and can they ring in advance and not come every weekend. or maybe you could visit them at MIL's every other weekend for a few hours? it's all about compromise, things change drastically once a baby is on the scene.

PinkToeNails · 07/04/2011 19:45

YANBU. Of course it's nice to have family who are interested but OP does need time with her immediate family. I couldn't cope with this.

AintMissBeehiving · 07/04/2011 19:50

This is all so precious.

I live very close (next door to all of my family), grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and great-great aunt) and we see each other pretty much every day. We don't always get on like the Waltons but it has brought huge benefits to my DC.

I'd be delighted to have the PILs closer so the children could build closer relationships with them too before I get criticised for only seeing my family.

Original poster
tillymint1924 · 07/04/2011 20:13

Ok so much has been said now I cant keep up with individual replies. This isnt about having one set of rules for my side of the family and one set for the other. My parents dont drive so I go to see them maybe three times a week, often to drop shopping off and we dont always go in. Its hardly the same as unannounced visits for an hour or more. If my family were popping round like in laws are I would be feeling exactly the same. Im well aware how the paternal gp's might feel as my family didnt always feel very involved when my brothers had their families. I was asking if its normal for extended family to visit so often but its hard to give the whole story in a shortish post.

OP posts:
JingleMum · 07/04/2011 20:28

in reply to the last part of your post "is it normal for extended family to visit so often?" i would say NO!

4madboys · 07/04/2011 20:42

sorry i would go mad if i had either my parents or my dp's mum (dad deceased) visiting three times a week, and the same goes for aunties/uncles etc.

three times a week is a LOT, depending on what the op is doing, maybe toddler groups, getting the baby weighed etc. i have always generally done ONE activity a day when i have a youngish baby, sometimes two but if you and i do try and have one day in the week when other than school run i dont have to go out, see anyone, do anything and can just have a quiet day.

to see both sets of grandparents three times a week and then other relatives as well!! i do think that has the potential to be overwhelming, i am sure some weeks its fine to see them lots, but not always and if they just pop in and then stay for up to three hours!!

as the baby gets older it may be nice for them to take baby for a walk, to a local park etc? but the reality is that with a 6mth old baby you are often still short on sleep and in need of a bit of peace and quite sometimes, so no op i dont think you are unreasonable in wanting to change this arrangement. maybe see relatives one day on a weekend? and as for relatives wanting to visit seperately so they each get time on their own with the baby HUGELY annoying, i have relatives that try and do that, and have actually complained about having to 'share' the children, ffs they are little people themselves, not a belonging!!

Booandpops · 07/04/2011 20:44

This caused loads of issues for mr when dd 1 was born after a yr or so and many rows with dh we agreed

  1. Visitors are to call before turning up
  2. Plans we had made were not to be dropped cos someone had rung
  3. Weekend visit worked out better if we went to them as we could then leave when suited
  4. We invited them to us more often as suits rather than waiting for call
  5. We arranged them to baby sit so we could have adult time and kept gps happy
  6. We had a long weekend away with them once a yr or so

We said no a lot and saw friends and went out to zoos etc
Until message sank in

I'm not just talking pil here sone applied to my mum too

We are all much happier. Rows have stopped, my relation ship with pil has improved as there is no toe treading

I now have Ds 2 and five yrs on all is well with us

You do need to set boundaries with yr dh agreement or the problems will get too huge
Good luck

MrsWitcher · 07/04/2011 20:47

Why don't you arrange to see your inlaws a couple of times a week during the week and then you'll have the wekends free. Or midweek, alternate between your parents and your inlaws. Sorted.

MCos · 07/04/2011 22:01

Hi OP - it would do my head in also - 3 sets of visitors every weekend!

Hopefully the novelty of new baby will wear off soon, and they will start to visit less frequently.

Jux · 08/04/2011 10:41

OK, you tell them Saturdays are sacrosanct and then you have big IL Sunday lunches. You see them all at once over a 3 or 5 hour period.

Or one w/e on and one w/e off. If your dh wants to see his family more then he can go and visit them like you do with yours.

Set boundaries.

secretswopper · 08/04/2011 11:16

YANBU. This would drive me crazy. I hated the small baby stage with visitors, mil once even said to "pass dtd to me as I've had a turn with dts and not with her", was all I could do not to scream that they aren't toys.

Fortunately Hmm we get all dp's family visit at once as mil will not allow dp's sister or brother to pop over without her.
Once we dared visit his sister without telling mil and the fall out was incredible. It's sad as dp has poor relationships with his siblings because of this. I would happily invite his sister and her dc round to play with my dc but it always turns into all the family coming so it doesn't happen.

The novelty will probably wear off when your ds is more active and isn't happy to just sit on laps.

I also don't get the "well you see your parents x times so its only fair that dps parents see you x times" arguement.
Before dc I used to see my parents 2/3 times a week, if I want to see MY parents the dc come with me too as we are a package, I'm not going to ruin my relationship with my parents just to placate the ils. Dp only saw his mother once a wk at most, usually less often, that is his choice so why should the fact that we now have dc should that change?