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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

not to invite mum with 2 sets of twins

38 replies

pingu2209 · 07/04/2011 10:15

We are having a short notice bbq and swimming 'party' for my daughter (age 3.5) in the garden. She can invite some of her friends from nursery. One of the friends she would like is a girl from a set of twins (boy and girl) but they have a siblings who are twin boys (age 2.5).

It must be really really hard work for the mum having 4 children aged under 4!!!!! (can you imagine!)

However, I don't really want 1 invite to mean 4 children. I can't see a way around inviting just the girl and not her 3 brothers as they are so young. Am I being mean? This must happen a lot to the mum. I know in my heart that if I was the mum I would feel really upset at not being invited to places as there are too many of us.

OP posts:

bluerodeo · 07/04/2011 10:16

of course you can just invite one of the twins

JarethTheGoblinKing · 07/04/2011 10:17

Why not just invite her friend from nursery - you don't need to invite all of them? (disclaimer - I have no idea what the ettiquette is when inviting one of multiples, but would guess it's something they have to get used to)

WinterOfOurDiscountTents · 07/04/2011 10:17

I don't understand. If you invite a child to a party you don't invite all their siblings. Do you? Why would you do that?

TurkeyBurgerThing · 07/04/2011 10:18

I think you're being a bit mean really. I'm sure mum is capable of running around all 4 children like a blue arsed fly day in and day out....I doubt you'll need to worry!

However if you're really against it why not offer to pick up the two kids from their house? Say you'll pick them up if she's happy to collect them. That way it's clear that it's just the two who will be there.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 07/04/2011 10:18

Twin are two seperate people. I have a friend who has triplets and she gets really cross when they are either referred to as the three boys, the triplets or similar. Equally, she does get a bit miffed when people think they are one and the same person.
Invite the one you want.

SylvanianFamily · 07/04/2011 10:19

Why not explain the issue directly to the mum concerned. Maybe you could broker for one of the other mums in the class to chaperone your Ds's particular friend, so that she can attend without her mum or siblings.

But, tbh, I'd just roll with it in your shoes, and invite them all.

redskyatnight · 07/04/2011 10:20

Can't see a problem with inviting just the child who is DD's friend. Would never cross my mind to invite siblings to a party unless one happened to be a close friend of my other child and I didn't have to worry so much about numbers.

babylann · 07/04/2011 10:20

YANBU to just invite the girl, that's fine.

Completely out of curiosity though, why are you against inviting all of them? Space/resource shortage? Or just don't want that many little children running around?

I'm sure the mum would be fine with you only inviting one of her children. She wouldn't expect you to invite them all if she had 8 children.

Carrotsandcelery · 07/04/2011 10:20

Can you offer to pick up the one child that your dd is keen to invite? It could be worded such that you are doing her a big favour and appreciating that she must have her hands full. If I were her I would appreciate being one child down for an hour or two rather than trying to manage so many little ones at a party, especially if water is involved.

wineclub · 07/04/2011 10:20

It is mean to not invite someone because they have siblings. Its not mean to invite the child who is your dds friends and not invite the other 3, assuming that other siblings are also not invited.

Could you have the girl over without the mother so she doesn't have to find someone to look after her 3 boys?

Olifin · 07/04/2011 10:21

I was going to say that I would think it's ok to just invite the one child without their siblings. However, at this age, parents usually stay with their children at parties, don't they? Is that what you're worried about? It may well be that one of the parents can bring the child while the other parent looks after the others at home. If not, perhaps you would consider having the child there without a parent. Shouldn't be a problem as long as you take a contact number for the parent.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 07/04/2011 10:22

I've got twins so I feel qualified to talk here.

Are you intending to invite just the children or do you want adults too? If you want the adults to come then obviously she'll have to bring all 4 kids - however, if mum is there it won't be your responsibility to watch the kids so I don't see a problem there (unless your so skint you can't afford a few extra sausages on the BBQ )

if only kids are invited then no, I don't think the mum will be offended at you inviting only one child.

However, I wouldn't let me 3 year old go to a swimming party with me, so don't be surprised if she declines.

Olifin · 07/04/2011 10:23

Although I see the party involves swimming too. How many adults will you have around? Perhaps you can allocate your OH or someone to look after the one child while they're in the pool?

tethersend · 07/04/2011 10:23

Just invite your DD's friend.

And then perhaps invite the mum out for a drink. A large one. She could probably do with one.

ILoveGregoryHouse · 07/04/2011 10:23

She may be more than happy to have one of her children entertained elsewhere for a while. I know I am when one of my four gets invited out - it's tata, off you go, see you later!

Olifin · 07/04/2011 10:24

I see I am thinking the same things as you NoTSuch!

everlong · 07/04/2011 10:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ILoveGregoryHouse · 07/04/2011 10:24

Oh, just noticed the swimming. I would have to be there. Talk to her.

Gracie123 · 07/04/2011 10:26

People saying 'just invite one sibling' have you ever done this? Did it work?

I'm really curious, because every time I've invited a child this age to a party for DS they have brought all siblings with them anyway (despite not being named on invite). I assumed that must be normal etiquette (although quite annoying).

Is it not? Are my friends taking the P*?

Carrotsandcelery · 07/04/2011 10:28

Is the party at the weekend? Would her oh be around to entertain the other children while she takes the invited child to the party? If I were her I would not want to take that many children to a swimming party so if I could come with just one dc then I would. Do you know her well enough to talk to her and express concern at her being responsible for so many dcs around a pool?

Original poster

pingu2209 · 07/04/2011 10:29

I didn't explain the situation properly. It isn't a party really. I am setting up a play date in my garden with a 'splasher' pool with a number of mums and their children from nursery. It is just to make the most of the weather. I'm not inviting everyone at the nursery but quite a few.

Some of the children who are automatically on the list of invitees have younger siblings and I am letting them come, so to not invite all 4 of the 2 sets of twins would be obvious. However, the younger siblings are all under 1 and are just about crawling so won't be in the pool. The other set of twins are 2.5 so would be wanting to go in the pool.

Also the pool is quite large and relatively deep (up to their chin) so I need the mums to come and watch their children. I don't want parents to drop off their children with me. In fact one mum asked if she could and I said no.

I have 3 children and sometimes I know I'm not invited because the parents need me to stay but don't want all 3 of my children - only 1. I feel sad for my child who would ordinarily go but understand that it is up to the parents inviting.

I just feel really bad.

We had a nursery trip the other day and the mum is struggling. Normally 2 other mums take the hand of one each of the younger twins to help her out; but of course each of the mums has her own child to look after too.

OP posts:

Original poster

pingu2209 · 07/04/2011 10:32

The get together is in the afternoon after school. Dads etc are not around to help.

OP posts:

SylvanianFamily · 07/04/2011 10:35

Pool ratios are 2 children per adult. If, in total, you are comfortably within that, I'm not sure why your social group couldn't accommodate helping put with the younger kids.

Fayrazzled · 07/04/2011 10:38

If you are inviting siblings of other children then I think it is unfair not to invite siblings of the girl twin. It would be better to invite none of them.

Catilla · 07/04/2011 10:39

I'm sure mums of multiples are fully aware of what a difference their presence makes!

Two ideas for how you could approach a conversation with her:

"My DD has asked for your DD to come to her small party, would her brother be unhappy to be left out?"
"I'm holding a small party for DD, would love to invite your older twins/your DD but because of the pool it isn't really suitable for toddlers. I'd love to take them off your hands for the party but as you will understand, I won't have enough eyes/hands to supervise them. X and Y (mums of single children from nursery, who you have checked with beforehand) would be willing to supervise her/them; how would you feel about leaving them with us?"

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