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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

should families help each other out?

28 replies

selfishdaughterorselfishmother · 06/04/2011 21:35

(Regular but name changed as may be easily identifiable from this post)

My mother is a very financially driven woman, to the detriment of family life. It has made her millions but has caused divorce etc, and estrangement from my siblings.

She has never ever helped with my children - I mean no babysitting, no financial assistance nothing - her words if people choose to have children, they should not expect assistance from anyone else.

Whilst I agree with her, over the years there have been tough occassions, for example emergency admission to hospital, where childcare support would have been extremely helpful, but she would not do it.

However, when it is her opportunity to make money I'm seen as selfish and heartless and not family orientated if I don't help her out.

She has her own company and never turns down work, because in her words 'I can't say no to that kind of money'. She gets about £900p/h after expenses.

She has asked me to work for her (she'll pay me £6p/h gross) when we are meant to be on holiday, and has got really stroppy with me because I said no.

She's then phoned me 6 times asking me to do it, I said if you are that desperate for me to do it, then I want a bigger cut, she said 'It's all about money with you'. I said 'I learnt from the master'.

This is the type of work that you can easily hire a student etc to do. She won't hire them, a) because they'll probably want more per hour, and b) she knows me. I purposely do a poor job - bare minimum so that she doesn't ask me again.

So she's going to phone back - am I being unreasonable when she won't help me out, to not help her out? Or as a daughter, should I help out my mother?

OP posts:
Reality · 06/04/2011 21:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CMOTdibbler · 06/04/2011 21:38

Its business, not family. She wants a job done, that she is being paid for, and you are effectively freelancing for her. So you set a rate, and she can choose whether to use you or not

BluddyMoFo · 06/04/2011 21:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hairylights · 06/04/2011 21:41

You don't want to do it so don't do it.

squeakytoy · 06/04/2011 21:41

be nice to your mother, she might leave it all to the cats home otherwise Wink

pingu2209 · 06/04/2011 21:41

No you don't have to help your mother. The irony will be in 20 or so years time when she is old and fail and needs your help. You can tell her to get stuffed then.

selfishdaughterorselfishmother · 06/04/2011 21:42

No - no benefit from the millions which I would be fine with (as she has earnt it) if it wasn't so detrimental to the lack of anything else i.e. she'd have the kids for an evening once in 15 years. I almost feel like I want to pay for her lack of support.

See she got really stroppy with me for setting a rate. It wasn't even a farcical rate, it was a fair market rate for what needed doing.

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 06/04/2011 21:43

She wants to pay you six quid? Tell her to fuck off and up the ante or not bother insulting you.

Onetoomanycornettos · 06/04/2011 21:43

Eek, absolutely don't work for her, you are not her employee, you are her daughter. I'm sorry she is like this, she sounds very self-centred. I don't think families have to help each other out, it's wonderful when that does happen but if I were you, I would try to maintain very clear boundaries around what you will and won't do.

As for paying you £6 a hour, she's having a laugh. If she can't come to you when you are in hospital or in dire need, then she can't call in favours now.

selfishdaughterorselfishmother · 06/04/2011 21:45

pingu2209 I've already told her that when she gets to the point she needs help, that I will have no qualms about spending her money in putting her in a very nice luxury home, but I will be visiting as often as she sees us socially now.

She didn't like that, but still doesn't see us socially, only when we are working for her.

OP posts:
houseworkwhore · 06/04/2011 21:46

good lord.

She sounds like a right mare.

However i would help her.. or she probably will leave it all to the cats home lol

LaWeasel · 06/04/2011 21:46

My dad is... not remotely that rich!

But used to be of the same mindset.

Through teenage years I was expected to do whatever needed doing for his business usually for no pay!

I just started saying no.

If he asks me to do something now he offers a decent rate.

You can't mix business and family - if she asks you for business help treat it like business help. If she won't take the rate you suggest she can find someone else to do it and that's the end of it.

This works fine for me and my dad. I think he approves of the negotiating tbh!

onceamai · 06/04/2011 21:47

Who's going to chose her care home, you or her?

tryingtobemarypoppins2 · 06/04/2011 21:49

What does she do!!??

lechatnoir · 06/04/2011 21:50

She sounds a treat Sad. I'm struggling to see what you get out of this relationship and would be inclined to ignore the call.

selfishdaughterorselfishmother · 06/04/2011 21:52

She effectively has, I agree with her choice. It is in a location, that if she bucks up her ideas I could visit easily, but if she doesn't I don't have to go in that direction, so no guilt visits!

Re inheritance - she has already said many times she does not believe that children should receive inheritance as every generation should make its own money.

If you work for a cats home may I suggest you send your advertising buff to:
Selfish Mother @ Big House That Will Be Ours . com

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 06/04/2011 21:54

I pay my cleaners much more than that. And apparently show them more respect.

Families have an extra tie. But they should support each other for as long as it is based in love and affection and is mutual in intent.

I would do anything for most of my family. But one of my sisters is a selfish grasping cow. For her I would do nothing.

Don't be bullied. Treat her as she treats you.

YouaretooniceNOT · 06/04/2011 21:54

Nice of her to be so genorous........

BluddyMoFo · 06/04/2011 21:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChaoticAngelofDenial · 06/04/2011 21:58

YANBU Help and support in a family should be a two way street. In your last post you've confirmed what I suspected when ops mentioned inheritance.

new2cm · 06/04/2011 21:59

YADNBU.

I have been in a similar situation although not anymore as my mother is now in retirement.

My mother has stopped asking because everytime she did, I would ask her some awkward questions. However, I am still polite to her but equally, I am still 'business' like towards her.

CMOT has the right advice. Business is business. I strongly advise you to keep family and business separate, although I appreciate that with a family business, you need to be disciplined and that's really hard. Well, I found it really hard.

Good Luck with the negotiating!

LaWeasel · 06/04/2011 22:03

I have to say she sounds a lot less nice than my dad, who whilst ruthless with cash - is a really nice guy who makes an effort to spend time with me and my family too.

new2cm · 06/04/2011 22:04

Haha!

"Re inheritance - she has already said many times she does not believe that children should receive inheritance as every generation should make its own money."

My mum said the same thing! Good to hear I am not the only one Sad.

emsyj · 06/04/2011 22:06

I think in general families (or anyone, really) should help each other out if they can.

But in this case, you wouldn't be 'helping', you would be being right royally taken advantage of. So YANBU. Tell her to sod off.

FreudianSlippery · 06/04/2011 22:12

Wow, your mother doesn't sound like a mother at all :(