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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

If you have been together and it was coming up for you knowing and being in each other lives after 20 years would you still consider marriage if you had

36 replies

flowersinbloom · 06/04/2011 21:14

would it be so unreasonable for you to go abroad with two friends without your parents ?.Because I can not be hassled with everyone else and feeding them when we are saving for our family.

We are buying a house together in the next two years, I was thinking of going abroad on holiday but saying I do and continuing with our holiday after we married with our best friends so aibu ?

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flowersinbloom · 06/04/2011 21:16

Sorry meant to say we have two kids and no will ,Im interested in your opioions.

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MorticiaAddams · 06/04/2011 21:17

Your post is very difficult to read. Are you asking whether it's reasonable to go abroad and get married with just two friends but not your family? If so, what about our children, will they be going?

JoyceBarnaby · 06/04/2011 21:18

I've read your title and both posts a few times and I'm sorry but I have no idea what you're asking about. Do you think you could explain again?

MorticiaAddams · 06/04/2011 21:18

Your children not our children!

Hassled · 06/04/2011 21:18

You want to marry abroad without family but with friends? Is that it?

Seems fair enough to me. There will be fall-out though - be prepared. But your wedding, your lives.

catchmeifyoucan · 06/04/2011 21:19

Oh good - it's not just me then? I honestly don't have a clue. Is it a question? A statement? Neither of the above?

TheSecondComing · 06/04/2011 21:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hocuspontas · 06/04/2011 21:20

How many have you had flowers? Grin

thisisyesterday · 06/04/2011 21:21

i don't really understand what you're saying Confused

Ragwort · 06/04/2011 21:21

errr............ what are you asking?

Do you want to get married abroad - with just two friends as witnesses? Sounds perfectly reasonable.

thisisyesterday · 06/04/2011 21:22

ahh yes sorry, i think the others are right

you want to know if you should go abroad and get married there?
i don't see why not, it's up to you isn't it

but as pp says... beware of a big fallout when you get back!

flowersinbloom · 06/04/2011 21:26

Sorry we have talked about marriage and I dont want a fuss,will take our children my Mum not close to has a fear of flying ,my Dad has problems with mobility,his parents they would come mine could not ,so dont want to marry if they could be there ,and mine could not.

Dont want to marry here because it would mean money spent on others sit down meal etc,I just want to be married so I thought if we were to go abroad we could combine both so with best friends or without or go alone?.

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MorticiaAddams · 06/04/2011 21:28

Sounds fine to me but I'm sure some people will be upset when you get back.

It's your wedding and if you can't face the bww then just go ahead and do it quietly.

Ragwort · 06/04/2011 21:30

Why do you assume there would be a big 'fall out' - if you have been together for 20 years surely the families are not expecting two virgins to be walking up the aisle together?

Do parents/family really expect to be so involved in their childrens' weddings these days - I was married (twice) Grin - over 25 years ago and in both cases the parents had very little input. We decided (and paid for) the sort of ceremonies we wanted.

I would hate my DS to have a big, white wedding although I suppose I would have to pretend to enjoy it.

bobblehat · 06/04/2011 21:32

I'm an only and close to my parents. When I called them to announce we'd got engaged, my mum was really suprised and said they all presumed we'd just go away and then tell everyone we'd got married when we got back. We'd thought of doing this but didn't like the idea of the big rows when we came home.

You don't really know what reactions people will have. Ultimatley it's your wedding so do what you like. If other people don't like it then tough!

mellicauli · 06/04/2011 21:36

i can see why you don't want a big fuss but aren't your parents going to feel really hurt?

Couldn't you get married in a registry office, go for a meal just with your parents/children/ then go on holiday (with or without friends? I just think being a parent is hard work and there aren't many perks of the job but seeing your children get married is one of them. Ask yourself how would you feel if one of your children did this to you? I know I would be really upset.

flowersinbloom · 06/04/2011 21:45

Yes they would be hurt and yes we could just do the wedding and meal and then not have a evening do,this is what bothers me slightly ,I dont care about the evening i just want to say i do and comlpete our family with our children being a big part of it .

I just dont want the expense it involves and am worried if we invited friends they may look down at us,because the evening part and the cost could pay for us to go away with our children as a family to celebrate our family unit,and tbh we dont get much time together becuase of the job my dp does so Im embrassed I will run off and hide now.

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Escallonia · 06/04/2011 21:49

blimey you're tying yourself in knots here! you're grown up, you have kids. Just go on holiday and get married while you're about it. Tell people, or don't, when you get home.

You don't have to make a big thing of it when you get back, just say you wanted the kids there and no big fuss. You don't have to have a party or anything if you don't want!

onceamai · 06/04/2011 21:55

Getting married is about promising to be together forever and entering into a binding legal and possibly spiritual contract. Why on earth do you need to have a party and an "evening do". Your parents, his parents, the children, you and him in church or registry office and nice lunch afterwards. Why do you need to go abroad to do that?

flowersinbloom · 06/04/2011 22:00

To get away from what is expected from the big day,from all ,for us its the marriage, so going away alone is the answer yes ?,no?.

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Cymar · 06/04/2011 22:00

Why can't you just get married in a registry office, invite both sets of parents to the marriage and go for an evening meal with just your DH and kids? IIRC, my registry office marriage cost £100 - no more, no less and that was back in 2006 (may be a bit more now).

animula · 06/04/2011 22:00

Getting married abroad can be a bit of a hassle, though, surely? Don;t you need to organise foreign licenses and stuff, some time in advance?

I have zero experience of this, and I'm sure there must be (Travel??) firms who will organise the whole shebang for you - but I'll bet that comes at a cost ...

flowersinbloom · 06/04/2011 22:01

Friends have started to have their input saying we have waited for this day we need to be a part of it,so gulit and cant please all,so thats why I said to go abroad.

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squeakytoy · 06/04/2011 22:06

You can have a holiday any year, but you will only be getting married the once (hopefully!!)..

A wedding doesnt have to cost a fortune, if you have it in the summer, have a registry office and then a bbq at home if your garden is big enough. Just turn it into a fun family day that you can all enjoy. And have your holiday as a honeymoon.

bilblio · 06/04/2011 23:16

YANBU you should do it how you want. But weddings can be cheap, certainly cheaper than a holiday abroad, and it might be a lot easier than dealing with the grief from family when they realise what you've done.

We got married last year after 14 years together. We could have and would happily have done it on a shoestring, but when my Dad started talking about booking halls that that held 200 and were £6000 I decided inviting 30 people for a pub lunch at £18 a head was more than reasonable. We could easily have invited less.

We got married at the registry office, pub lunch after with family and friends.
For the evening we sent an open invite out to everyone we knew and told them what pub we were going to be in. The pub was a city centre one and we had our own room, DH mixed a load of CD's and we had our own disco (Pub provided the DJ decks for free). We put a £100 deposit down for the room but we got that back because our friends are alcoholics and drank the required amount of booze :0 (and we invited any random strangers who liked our music to join us.)

DH wore a suit he already had and some new converse he desperately needed!
3 outfits for bridesmaids (DD & DN's) cost £75, that included dresses, cardies, undies, shoes, the lot! They've all worn them loads afterwards too.
My dress was a luxury at £95 in the sale but I will wear it again. DrMarten sandals cost £20 off ebay :o
Probably the most expensive thing proportionally was the flowers, they cost £40 and I left them to my Mum to sort. I was talking about picking a load out of the garden :)

DH and I delayed for so long because I didn't want the hassle of organising it, family politics etc. I'd thought about eloping, but decided the upset it would cause wasn't worth it.
In the end we made the decision, booked the registry office and were married 5 weeks later.