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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my arrears before a divorce?

28 replies

smokinaces · 06/04/2011 18:15

Ex left 2 years ago. He currently owes me around £800 in arrears of Child Maintenance from last year. (He's paying a low amount weekly, but at least its something)

He is due a tax rebate and said I can either have the money, or a divorce - but he'd prefer the divorce.

AIBU to say no, I want the arrears before the divorce? And that the arrears are not to be spent on a divorce? (He wants it quicker as he has a live in girlfriend I think, I was talking about it from a legal estate point of view after speaking to the bank today)

OP posts:
DELHI · 06/04/2011 18:21

Surely the arrears are yours by right, to be used for your DCs, not for a divorce. He has no right to offer a choice of cash or divorce. I'd delay the divorce as long as poss, seeing that's what he most seems to want. Then he'll have to pay up.

Original poster
smokinaces · 06/04/2011 18:23

Thanks Delhi, my thoughs exactly. Its a fine line as we have an agreement between ourselves with maintenance - if I were to go through the CSA he would go "off the books" (such a nice man). Means I have to accept anything I can - currently only £30 a week for 2 kids, but means I can pay for school shoes and uniforms etc. I think tbh the girlfriend is pressuring him for a divorce, and moaning about the money he pays me.

OP posts:
DELHI · 06/04/2011 18:26

He'd still have to pay by law, divorced or not, to support the DCs, but while you're still married at least you have some leverage - once divorced it might be much harder to get anything out of him at all. Poor you, poor DCs.

Chil1234 · 06/04/2011 18:28

Definitely get the arrears and make him wait for the divorce... The new girlfriend will just have to be patient.

Original poster
smokinaces · 06/04/2011 18:32

Good. I will stick my heels in and refuse to sign anything then until I get my arrears. I am owed that money - have had to take out a loan to refinance after the debts he left me in, that money is needed to repay things that he didnt contribute to for 12 months.

OP posts:
vegetariandumpling · 06/04/2011 18:32

"He is due a tax rebate and said I can either have the money, or a divorce"
surely he can't stop you getting a divorce? especially if he left two years ago? so say you want the money. Then if when you get it, file for divorce.
Although, if what he really wants is the divorce then he might just be bluffing about the money.

Original poster
smokinaces · 06/04/2011 18:35

He has no money Vegetarian, but I brought up that technically I am still his next of kin so would inherit his estate debts and vice versa. He knows I dont really care about a divorce as such (still single, no skin off my nose, dont want to pay for it myself when he left) but he obviously wants it.

I said that I want the arrears, and that maybe we can look at going halves on the court costs to get divorced at Christmas when I've had a chance to save. He wasnt too impressed. Think he wants me to forget about the arrears.

that and maybe he wants to remarry at Christmas Grin

OP posts:
Chil1234 · 06/04/2011 18:39

In any negotiation you have to understand where the power lies and who wants what. He wants the divorce, you want the money.... you can manage without the money at a pinch but he can't handle the earache from the girlfriend. So hold out not only for the arrears but also for all the costs of the divorce as well. None of this 'going halves' thing.

Crawling · 06/04/2011 18:46

Agree 100% with Chil1234

bubblecoral · 06/04/2011 18:50

I agree with Chil too, get your money and if he wants the divorce so much, let him pay for it.

Original poster
smokinaces · 06/04/2011 18:54

Thanks Chil. That was my first instinct, but he gets so moody and difficult. I am such a different person now without him - but when speaking to him find myself reverting IYSWIM?

I will stand my ground.

OP posts:
ccpccp · 06/04/2011 20:33

Is he hiding money or something? Able to pay but wont? Or is he genuinely unable to pay as much child maintenance as expected due to circumstance?

If hes hiding money then make him pay. If hes stuggling financially then let him get on with his life.

Original poster
smokinaces · 06/04/2011 20:37

ccpccp, he is crap with money. He lives in a 1 bed flat, with 2 full time incomes and chooses to smoke and drink, play rugby and pool. He thinks his disposible income should be what it was when he was 19. I dont begrudge anyone a roof over their head, or the basics - but I do feel resentful of having to budget so tightly when he doesnt? I used to get £70 a week, then he changed jobs and took a paycut, which was fair enough - but £30 a week is not even 10% of his income now and IMO if you can afford £6.20 a day in cigarettes you can afford to pay more for the children you chose to have.

OP posts:
Original poster
smokinaces · 06/04/2011 20:39

and I dont get

"If hes stuggling financially then let him get on with his life."

What about his kids lives? The children he chose to have. He wants to chose getting divorce so he can remarry and procreate with his new girlfriend over providing for the children he already has. Surely I shouldnt just sit back and let him get on with it?

OP posts:
bubblecoral · 06/04/2011 20:47

I don't get that either! Confused

He has a responsibility to his childrenn FFS! What are you on about with 'let him get on with his life'?

OP, your instincts are right, go with them!

ccpccp · 06/04/2011 21:34

"He has a responsibility to his childrenn FFS! What are you on about with 'let him get on with his life'?"

So its all about the children? In that case OP should go for the cash, whether she needs it or not. Teach that bastard a lesson in the process.

Or OP could take a look at if she really needs the money right now, maybe decide she can wait for it which allows him to remarry, and agree higher payment onwards. They've been split for 2 years.

If hes taking the piss, then get the cash first of course. But OPs finger in the air of what he can afford on his new lower income (and generously including his girlfriends earnings in there too) needs to be refined a bit I suspect. Maybe a proper CSA assessment is in order given his new circumstances.

Original poster
smokinaces · 06/04/2011 21:45

ccpccp, if I tried to go through the CSA he would go off the books. He is self employed and made that quite clear. I know how much he earns, how much his rent is etc - it is not a finger in the air, he used it all when we came to the agreement of the £30 a week. My argument is over the amount of disposible income he thinks he should have vs how much he thinks his children need. But, as I said before I accept the £30 a week as its better than I know a lot get and it does help. My argument mainly is over whether he should used the £800 arrears in money meant for his children to pay for a divorce and then a remarraige? Surely that if a lifestyle choice that should come after his current responsibilities? I dont include his girlfriends earnings in his CSA money of course - but equally he cant say in an assesment he needs to pay 100% of his rent, CT, bills etc when she is co-inhabiting and bringing in a wage?

Honestly? I do need the money now. My car needs a lot of work - without it I cant take the children to school or get to work. They are also growing like weeds, and even though I use handmedowns as much as possible I still need clothes and shoes for them. The house needs work done on it, so do their beds. I use freecycle as much as possible, but £800 would get everything done so we can carry on with the £30 IYSWIM? My childcare costs are nearly £500 a month alone, with my wages and tax credits I barely break even, so that money is needed.

I was very generous (IMO!) last year - I accepted he needed to retrain so let him put the £800 arrears into a training course, which has meant he has had work since last October. However, I am reluctant to do that 2 years in a row - it feels more like a loan to him I can ill afford?

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 06/04/2011 21:45

It costs peanuts to get a divorce less than a hundred quid. Only one has to file if you want a quick divorce tell him you have to file for adultery i.e he committed adultery, will take two months though.

Tell him to add the cost of the divorce to what he owes you and once he gives it you you will file for it.

suburbophobe · 06/04/2011 21:49

Never mind his moods and such nonsense, don't fall for it!

£ 30?? ffS!

Original poster
smokinaces · 06/04/2011 21:50

Fabby, I have researched it last year - £350 for the court costs, plus the certificates etc. Cheapest I could see was £425? Wheres the £100 option?!

OP posts:
bubblecoral · 06/04/2011 21:56

I genuinely can't believe what I'm reading from you cpp!

You think OP should have to 'take a look at whether she really needs the money right now, maybe decide she can wait which would allow him to remarry'? Confused Hmm Angry Are you serious!? He owes it to her because he is in arrears with child maintenance!

I wouldn't say that OP even has a choice to make on whether she really needs it or not. It belongs to her children, she has an obligation to take it, and do whatever she can to get it! She would have to be seriously wealthy to even consider not taking what this man owes her children. He wouldn't be in arrears if he had stood by his financial responsibility in the first place.

What difference does it make that they have been split for two years? Confused His children still continue to exist!

FabbyChic · 06/04/2011 21:56

Shit sorry! I never paid never realised it was so much. Tell him to pay all of it he wants the divorce he pays.

FabbyChic · 06/04/2011 21:57

Just tell him if you dont get your cash though you wont agree to it and he will have to wait oh a couple of years!

Tryharder · 06/04/2011 22:06

£30 is nothing. He spends more on his smokes than on his kids. Who gives these men their sense of entitlement?

And yet, despite this paltry sum, he still manages to be in arrears. [shakes head]

OP, please don't go halves on the divorce - let him pay.

ccpccp · 06/04/2011 22:11

Its all a negotiation bubblecoral - a bit of give and take. OP has already let him skip the 800 once so he cound retrain and he is now bringing in an income becasue of it.

You'd have to be pretty cruel to prevent a couple marrying over 800 quid if you didnt 100% need it.

But as OP does need it, and her ex is clearly taking the piss at 30 quid, then I'd be taking the 800 plus interest out of him asap. If he wants a divorce he can use some of the untaxed stuff hes got hidden in the shoebox under his bed.