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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm pretty sure I am - and I need telling, but that doesn't mean I'm any less upset!

28 replies

seeker · 06/04/2011 18:10

My mother died recently, and my brothers and I agreed that her ashes should be kept at the funeral directors until we decided what sort of ceremony we would do for scattering them. We are not religious, and neither was she, and personally the ashes don't hold any significance to me, apart from being the ashes of a much loved mother.

Anyway, last Friday, my brother suddenly decided that he didn't want the ashes left at the funeral directors over the weekend. Not sure why - but bereaved people are allowed to be irrational. I was going to go with him, but at the last minute I couldn't, so I said it was all right for him to go alone rather than leave it til the Monday because it was so important to him. So he said he would go by himself.

But he didn't. His wife went with him. Now I KNOW I'm being irrational - but I really feel alone should have meant alone in this case - and if he couldn't face it alone he should have waited and we would have gone together on the Monday. I love my SIL - she's fab. But I hate the thought that she probably held the casket - she doesn't drive, so my brother wouldn't have been able to.

Would you have taken someone else to do this if you had said you were goiong alone? I wouldn't have - am I being silly?

OP posts:
geordieminx · 06/04/2011 18:12

You are being silly.

Sorry for the loss of your mum though.

geordieminx · 06/04/2011 18:12

Also better you sis went and held them, then bro have to slam the breaks on and the ashes end up all over the floor.

ConstanceFelicity · 06/04/2011 18:13

You are being irrational, but it's part of the territory with grief. Don't feel bad about it. I am very very sorry about your mother... I know from experience how lost one feels after losing their mum.

Etalb · 06/04/2011 18:13

But she's his wife?

MegBusset · 06/04/2011 18:14

Yes YABU but you are bereaved and allowed to feel irrationally. I wouldn't make an issue of it with your brother though, he is grieving too and probably has enough on his plate.

Sorry for your loss.

Numberfour · 06/04/2011 18:14

So sorry but I also think that you are being a little silly.
Sad You are right, though: Grief does odd things to people so be kind to yourself about this.

PlanetEarth · 06/04/2011 18:16

I do think you're looking at it from the wrong point of view.

He wanted the ashes home, rather than at the funeral directors, and at the last minute you couldn't go with him. He was left with a choice between leaving the ashes there and asking someone else to go with him. He wanted some support at a difficult time - if you wanted support, wouldn't you ask your DH?

If you get on well with your SIL why does this bother you? She's not your mother's child but she's family.

ConnorTraceptive · 06/04/2011 18:17

Well you are bu but like you said grief makes you feel irrational. Sorry you are going through a rough time

catinboots · 06/04/2011 18:17

You are being silly - but you are totally entitled to be. Yu've just lost your mum and grieft can make you feel very irrational.

Don't upset you brother by making an issue over it.

So so sad for you Sad

neepsntatties · 06/04/2011 18:17

I understand where you are coming from. When my dad died we were going to go and see the body - just me and my brothers. Then sil announced she was going to come too. I was not happy. I didn't want her there, it felt invasive. In the end we were advised not to see him so it wasn't an issue.

I am sorry about your mum.

Terraviva · 06/04/2011 18:21

I am so sorry to hear that your mum died recently. It must be utterly devastating. As you say, grief makes people irrational. You said yourself that you know you're being unreasonable in being upset about this, but that doesn't make it hurt any less I'm sure.

He took his wife with him when he said he was going 'alone' because he probably needed the support. Also, in this situation I can see how he would have thought that his wife doesn't count as 'someone else'.

Try not to let this come between you when you all need each other more than ever at this time.

Original poster
seeker · 06/04/2011 18:21

Thank you - I need telling.

Actually, no I wouldn't have taken dp without telling db that he was going to. And this is the sort of thing I would rather do alone anyway. So that's why it didn;t cross my mind that on his own meant without me - not actually on his own.

OP posts:
supersalstrawberry · 06/04/2011 18:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

valiumredhead · 06/04/2011 18:22

Oh you have just lost your mum - doesn't matter if you are being reasonable or unreasonable, grief does all sorts of odd things. I am very sorry for your loss Sad

MrsDaffodill · 06/04/2011 18:23

Seeker - sorry for your loss. And well done for being the kind of sister who talks things out and seeks to understand another point of view rather than just letting her distress fester.

ReindeerBollocks · 06/04/2011 18:26

It probably does feel like it should have been an immediate family only duty, but your brother felt like he needed his wife (and therefore his family).

I am sorry about your mum and think it's perfectly normal to BU at this time.

pippala · 06/04/2011 18:26

" personally the ashes don't hold any significance to me, apart from being the ashes of a much loved mother"
So why are you bothered that your SIL held them?
It may seem irrational but it is totally normal that you will be up and down.
I feel for you as I also recently lost my Mum.
We (mum and I ) always hate the curtain going around the coffin at the crem.
My brother died when I was 18 and both my Mum and I screamed when his coffin went!
So I decided not to go to the crem for my Mums service. Instead we had a small personal service at the chapel of our funeral Directors.
My Aunty told me afterwards it wasn't a "proper" funeral and she wanted to say goodbye to her sister properly at the ash spreading.
I wanted that in private so instead spent over £1,500 on a marble bird bath for my garden,which Mum's ashes are in.
So I am also irrational spending all that money just because I didn't want my aunties, cousins etc there at the spreading!!!!!!
Bereavement effects us all in different ways, every way TOTALLY normal.
Something you do, say or feel now may change over the next days, weeks, months.
Don't rush yourself and be KIND to yourself.
X

cerealqueen · 06/04/2011 18:28

So sorry about your mum, difficult times for you and your family. Your brother he may irrational in his grief, wanted to go that weekend for whatever reason, and didn't want to go alone - I don't blame him, just being at the funeral directors can be upsetting in itself (I've done that and would not want to be there alone).
You are being irrational too at being upset but grief makes you irrational, as you have said. Try not to dwell on it too much and take care of eachother.

Leverkusen · 06/04/2011 18:30

I am very sorry to hear about the loss of your mum. Life is very hard at times.
I have never lost a parent, but recently DP's mum sadly died.
After the funeral DP's dad gave me a ring which apparently DP's mum had wanted me to have. It was such a lovely thing to do, but I was sitting right next to SIL, and while she was nice about it...later she told me she couldn't bear the thought of me having her mum's things.

I gave it to her, she said she would give it back again when she was ready. She knew she was being 'silly', except I didn't think she was being silly- her mum just died, and she didn't want just anyone having her mum's things.

It's completely understandable that it upset you. I am so sorry that you are going through this hard time.

piratecat · 06/04/2011 18:32

i'm so sorry seeker that you have lost your mum.

i think you are entitled to feel however you feel. x

PrincessScrumpy · 06/04/2011 18:43

I would be happy that my db had a loving and supportive wife - I would always be there for my dh, I'm afraid that in reality my dh and I are closer to each other than we are to our brothers (but we do love our brothers), so it would be naturaly for us to do that kind of thing together.

Sorry for your loss. YANBU as you can feel however you like, but don't be too harsh. I think I would have been more upset at the thought of db going alone.

gkys · 06/04/2011 18:50

my thoughts are with you, no your not being silly you are grieving give yourself time to adjust, the loss of your mum is life changing, unfortunatly i know from first hand experience, xx

berylmuspratt · 06/04/2011 18:54

When my Dad died I felt upset and irrational about most things, you're not being silly, you are grieving. Sorry about your loss :(

Pancakeflipper · 06/04/2011 19:03

I do feel for you. Grief is horrible. Nothing seems rational and logical anymore.

You could collect the urn on your own, but your brother needed support from someone. It's probably linked in some crazy way why he had to have the urn back with family all of a sudden and could not wait. He'd never of thought of it being upsetting for you in taking his wife.
Accept you are being abit bonkers but don't beat yourself up over it.

BlueAmy · 06/04/2011 19:06

I'm very sorry about your mum. :(

I don't really think you're being unreasonable, I think perhaps a little bit irrational, but you're allowed to be under the circumstances.

Hope you feel better about everything soon. x