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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be concerned by my 6 yo's total lack of empathy?

30 replies

specialmagiclady · 05/04/2011 20:06

My DS1 (6) and DS2 (4) were playing a bouncing-on-the-bed-and-walloping-each-other sort of game this evening. Suddenly I hear DS2 howling in pain. I go into the bedroom and DS2 is indeed on the floor having been pushed off the bed rather hard.

DS1 is continuing to bounce on the bed as if nothing has happened. Not defiant, not guilty, not sympathetic. Just hadn't noticed that there was someone very upset in the room.

I've been worried about this for ages, but always just thought he'd grow into empathy. That said, his younger brother would have stopped bouncing and be looking contrite/defiant or something and would have done so from the age of about 2.

Is he normal? Or some kind of psychopath???

OP posts:
Whatever17 · 05/04/2011 20:10

I think empathy is learned - ie kids will pull the wings off flies. Don't worry. I broke my arm and lay there whilst DS2 (when he was 6) stepped over me and said, "did you buy me some sweets?" I gasped, "get me the phone". He's 11 now and really very caring!

smashingtime · 05/04/2011 20:13

Normal I think - 6 yr old boys are very lacking in empathy from the ones I know! We have same issues with ds, also 6 who can be very caring at times but will really hurt his younger sister - who has SN and not be the least concerned or contrite about it!

gkys · 05/04/2011 20:16

think its an age thing, ds1 is six and smasingtime could be talking about him

Oblomov · 05/04/2011 20:19

well it could be normal. totally normal. most 6 yr old boys lack empathy.
But it could be a SN's thing. Aspergers children are very bright, do well academically, but lack social skills, particularly empathy. He could have AS very very mildly. Mind you, so could most 6 yr olds I meet !!

heliumballoons · 05/04/2011 20:19

My DS also 6 lacks empathy too. He is so kind and caring most of the time but comes across as uninterested and don't careish. Never great with my friends DD's who a) think they need an ambulance for a papercut and b) have the ability to scream you just knocked me over (when clothes touch in passing), apologise now Grin. DS doesn't even noticed he's touched them and usually blankly and obediantly replies 'sorry'.

He is getting better at a reflex 'sorry' when he does realise he's knocked into someone. Smile

thisisyesterday · 05/04/2011 20:21

do you have any other worries about him or just this?

girliefriend · 05/04/2011 20:25

I would try and work on it with him, my dd is quite good at empathy (if I do say so myself!!) but its something i've consciously worked at with her. Trying to get her to see things from other peoples point of view, talking about how other people might be feeling etc.

heliumballoons · 05/04/2011 20:31

yes but girlie I do that with DS a lot - still doesn't do it naturally. Or it seems any of the boys the same age whose mothers are on this thread. Grin

smashingtime · 05/04/2011 20:41

Seems much more natural for girls - dd is 3 and has more empathy than ds. Like heliumballoons I am having to work on it much harder with ds!

kaosandkisses · 05/04/2011 20:57

I think it prob is normal.
My 7 year old is driving us up the wall with his behaviour. He can be amazingly well behaved around adults when getting attention etc (obv) but if we say something great to his 3 year old Sis he will immediately put her down. He's q boastful but it's coming out in a weird way that i think may mean he has low self esteem which is v upsetting. Not sure what's normal anymore! Most 7 year old boys can be a pain in the arse!

mumeeee · 05/04/2011 22:21

Most six year olds lacl empathy.

ilovemyhens · 05/04/2011 22:21

Empathy only comes with emotional maturity and can't really be expected in small children. Six is still very young.

blueshoes · 05/04/2011 22:57

I must say I have only noticed this somewhat disconnected behaviour in boys. I did not see it any of my dd's friends. But ds' friends can be a different kettle of fish.

Likethisandthat · 05/04/2011 23:06

How bizarre. I have to say I disagree with most on this thread. My ds is not yet 6, but very empathetic and would never behave in this way with his siblings. My 3 year old dd wouldn't either. Perhaps ds is unusual?

Do you have other concerns?

Original poster
specialmagiclady · 05/04/2011 23:19

Some interesting thoughts. I do have the odd concern about him actually, along the lines of very very VERY mild ASD issues. Generally he's a lovely boy and very cuddly and snuggly but he's bad at eye contact and never answers to his name. (We gave him quite an unusual name and I've taken to calling him "Jimmy" instead, which bizarrely he will answer to). I've always thought he was borderline ADHD, he doesn't get upset by most tellings off.

It wasn't so much the lack of empathy that upset me this evening, it was the lack of acknowledgement of anything going on. Most 6 year old boys who pushed their brother off a bed and made them cry loudly would at least think "uh oh, I'm for the high jump", wouldn't they? He often doesn't make the connection between what happens to him and what he does.

OP posts:
Skinit · 06/04/2011 00:08

think it depends on personality. My DD1 is 6 and can be COLD with a capital C but DD2 is very empathetic at just 3 years old. Nothing to do with their se either.

Perpetuallypregnant · 06/04/2011 00:16

I do think there is a difference in the sexes as well. Lots of girls seem more naturally inclined to nurture and have empathy whereas i think with most boys it is more a learned behaviour. I say most and lots as obv there are exceptions so dont flame me! Just my personal experience.

Example when i dislocated my knee and was crying in a heap on the floor. Dd2 was 2 she cried, dd1 was 5 she cried and tried to help. DS, 7, looked at me and walked into the other room seemingly unconcerned.

He is lovely now :) honest, but i used to worry about him. Im sure your ds is just a normal 6 year old who will learn in time.

worraliberty · 06/04/2011 00:34

I think empathy can definitely be taught if it doesn't come naturally.

Sometimes kids need to be made aware of the bigger picture. Just because it comes naturally to some, doesn't mean it does to others.

Same as a sense of humour or a positive outlook on life. That sort of thing comes naturally to some but that doesn't mean it can't be taught to some others (not everyone though)

Skinit · 06/04/2011 00:36

Perpetually...it really isnt to do wit the sexes....it's learned. Both sexes are equally capable but society generally teaches girls to care more....and so they learn faster.

blueshoes · 06/04/2011 06:30

specialmagiclday, your description is exactly the sort of behaviour that I see in a few of ds' friends that makes me puzzled. I also think very mild SN but that is not to say they won't outgrow or learn to be more empathy since the boys are only 4. Their mothers are lovely and caring and both have baby sisters.

Having a boy and a girl, I think a lot of what is thought of as gender specific characteristics are hardwired at birth. That is not to say at an individual level there will be variations for personality and learned behaviours over time.

Oblomov · 06/04/2011 08:08

worra, I wonder how much can be 'taught'.
My mum is the most caring insightful person. My eldest brother is a-socail, my middle brother is lacking in confidence and then theres me, I have to try to not be abrasive and I am a cup-half-empty. I am saddened at how people treat eachother. I fear the worst and 90% of the time, I am correct. I tell people (mainly dh thta he is far too nice,and that companies don't care and you have to look after yourself, because christian proinciplas are way gone. he says I am a pessimist. And then what happens, his company shits on him. Its all dog-eats-dog. Makes me very sad. How did we end up like this? Treating eachother this way ?
My dh jumps out of bed witht the joys of spring. Ds2 does too. Ds1 and I are naturally miserable in the monrings.
Why is this ?

Are we getting into a nature vs nurture debate here Wink ?

diddl · 06/04/2011 08:14

TBH I think that no reaction at all is odd.

Bonsoir · 06/04/2011 08:18

Some people are born with less potential for empathy than others. You will have to work harder with your DS1 than with your DS2...

sprinklingsparkles · 06/04/2011 08:49

I would say it pretty normal for a 6yo boy.

My DS 7 a the weekend spilt his whole juice into his nanas lap, and he didnt give a stuff that she was soaking, all he cared about was that all his juice was gone.

He also will never see anything to be his fault, he acts very hard done by, constantly has an excuse for everything and blames everyone apart from himself. Usually to point of rudeness.

I dont expect him to be like it forever. it will all need to be tought.

A lot of grown men can be the same. Grin

cory · 06/04/2011 09:51

I don't think you can judge what is normal for a 6yo by looking at a much younger child. Ime most very young children will look upset if someone is crying, but this isn't quite the same as having empathy in a more grown-up way. They then lose this early reaction, but take a while to develop mature empathy. Which ime means that they can seem really uncaring for a while.

But as Bonsoir says, it is also a personality thing.

I have also noticed that some very sensitive little boys get to a stage where they almost shut off if somebody else gets hurt or upset; it's as if they can't handle it. I was always a more hands-on person to have around for little sibling emergencies than my bigger brother; it wasn't actually because I cared more, but probably (if truth be told) because I cared less. Years later, as a teen, I helped to care for our senile grandmother, while he (who loved her far more) kept this distance and still, 30 years after her death, refuses to accept that she was senile. Have noticed that ds, who was such a sweet and caring little boy, now seems to have quite tough reactions- again, I suspect it's not because he doesn't care, but because he cares too much. My dad also pretty useless in an emergency, but at least has the grace to stand by and look tearful, not pretend there's nothing wrong. How do we toughen these boys up?