To be concerned by my 6 yo's total lack of empathy?

[specialmagiclady]

My DS1 (6) and DS2 (4) were playing a bouncing-on-the-bed-and-walloping-each-other sort of game this evening. Suddenly I hear DS2 howling in pain. I go into the bedroom and DS2 is indeed on the floor having been pushed off the bed rather hard.

DS1 is continuing to bounce on the bed as if nothing has happened. Not defiant, not guilty, not sympathetic. Just hadn't noticed that there was someone very upset in the room.

I've been worried about this for ages, but always just thought he'd grow into empathy. That said, his younger brother would have stopped bouncing and be looking contrite/defiant or something and would have done so from the age of about 2.

Is he normal? Or some kind of psychopath???

OP, my collegue asked me the other day if my DS was slightly ASD. Mainly because of his quirks and the things he says and does. Her DD is ASD so she has personal experience.

TBH I'd be more worried if your DS found it funny and was actively laughing at someone getting hurt than just ignoring.

Not sure with the ASD. My 5yo DS does have an ASD and certainly would not have carried on bouncing. He would have called "mummy, DD is hurt". (she's 3). I don't think a lack of empathy is one of the first things that would suggest ASD to me. There would be other behaviours which might then be accompanied by a lack of empathy.

I would actually think your DS is relatively normal - I have seen a pair of brothers kicking eachother (aged 5 and 6) and they are both neurotypical but totally unconcerned about damaging eachother. I would just have a chat to him explaining that it's sad if someone gets hurt and he must help them.

Thanks all - feel much more reassured. He was very kind to his brother yesterday and said "ouch that thing on his back looks sore" about an "owie" that his little brother has!

Whatever17 did you buy him the sweets then or what? hahaha x

Children CAN show empathy, but it depends on the circumstances (I.e I know some can't but saying that young children CAN'T is not true either). So they can for example, become very sad at things that happen on TV, or react to things you'd never expect. THEN roundly turn on someone without even a thought. It's not lack of empathy it's lack of impulse control. Or sometimes just not understanding the situation. Thing is we ALL lack empathy at times, we don't notice that obviously. Thinking of others FIRST doesn't necessarily come easily for any of us. That isn't what most people would call lack of Empathy, but it is. In young children it''s just more extreme. He probably thought, hmm she is okay, carry on bouncing, mum will see to it. DS is 6 nearly 7 and much the same.

What drives me insane with DS is his TANTRUMS. He wails over all sorts of things which seem very unreasonable. As in he might say, "you ate the chocolate we brought for you and you only shared some of them, that isn't fair, it's nt fair" cue waling and much beating of chest and tears. This can happen over who gets to say grace, what cereal, not being allowed a HUGE bowlful of cereal, being asked to help tidy his room, go to bed, not go to bed, shower and then be allowed to play etc etc etc. The key here is for ME to empathise with HIM, and trust me, I have days when I really find that very hard.

ARGH hope he grows out of it.