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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In Laws don't want my ds for overnight stay because he gets up too early

28 replies

pingu2209 · 05/04/2011 13:20

AIBU? I hope I explain this well:

We moved across the country 3 years ago but travel back to where we used to live about 3 times a year. My dh comes from where we used to live, but I come from where we live now. We moved for my dh job, not for me/my family.

As we lived in the original area for 14 years (my dh all his life) I had built up lots of friendships and was close to my dh family. When we travel back to see friends and family, family get really annoid at us because we don't spend as much time with them as they would like, because we are also seeing friends.

There is a reason for this; we are a family of 5 so finding hotel accommodation is very difficult. We can get a cheap family room (for 4) but that leaves 1 of us spare. My friends always offer to put up either me or one of my children (specifically my ds1 age 7). Because we are taking their hospitality, in a weekend break, we spend 1 whole day with my friends. I do want to spend time with my friends, but that leaves only 1 other day to split between BIL and FIL (who don't speak so I can't combine them both).

It is becoming difficult between dh and his family so we explained that it would be rude not to spend a day with my friends if they are putting one of us up for 2 nights. My FIL can't put anyone up but my BIL can easily so I asked my BIL if we could drop my ds1 with them and then we would spend more time together when we came over. He said no because my ds gets up at 7ish and at the weekends their family like to sleep in till 10 (their dc are 13, 10 and 7).

AIBU to think for 1 weekend a couple of times a year of getting up at 7am is something to expect from a brother and uncle?

OP posts:
Iwantscallops · 05/04/2011 13:25

Could your DH stay with his brother? Surely that makes more sense?

pommedeterre · 05/04/2011 13:25

YANBU if they are the ones making a fuss about you not seeing them enough.
They don't speak so you can't combine, they don't want your ds to sat, they don't want you to spend so much time with your friends.
I'd probably try and work out a way to stop seeing them. They sound a nightmare. Tell them they can come and stay at yours if they're so desparate to see you all.

pommedeterre · 05/04/2011 13:25

sat = stay
But then she has all 4 kids to deal with in a hotel. Kinda crap.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 05/04/2011 13:26

Of course YANBU BUT, would you consider taking a different child. If you have three children, one or two thirds of them should sleep a bit longer.
Seven o'clock isn't early anyway, it's the best part of the day [unable to stay in bed longer than 6.30 anyday]

pommedeterre · 05/04/2011 13:27

3 kids sorry not 4. Ack.

Blu · 05/04/2011 13:29

Just throw it right back in ther court.
'We'd love to spend more time with you, but we need to crack the accommodation issue - as soon as we can find a way to stay with family it'sll all be OK"

iskra · 05/04/2011 13:29

Your oldest might be able to read/watch TV/entertain self without waking up BIL & family?

AMumInScotland · 05/04/2011 13:30

I don't think your BIL is BU to say no. But he is being unreasonable if he's complaining that they don't see you as much as he'd like, then isn't prepared to put himself to any inconvenience to make it possible. Next time he moans about how rarely he sees you, just say "Well you know we can't afford accomodation more often since we'd have to get two rooms for all of us, so we rely on our friends hospitality - and if they're kind enough to put us up we can hardly treat them like a hotel so of course we spend part of the weekend with them"

Original poster
pingu2209 · 05/04/2011 13:32

Iwantscallops - actually yes my BIL did say that my dh could stay - or me. However, that would leave either me or dh with 3 young children in a hotel room for at least 3 hours waiting for the other person to get up.

kreecherlivesupstairs - I offered them ds1 who is age 7 because he is my eldest and sleeps in the longest. Ds2 who is age 5 gets up at 6.20ish and ds3 is 3 and gets up about 6.30 but also she hasn't stayed away from mummy and daddy before.

I don't think 7am is too early. Loads of my friends have children who are up before 6am!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
pingu2209 · 05/04/2011 13:34

My BIL has a 3 bed house and his 2 boys (13 and 10) share and his daughter (7) has a box room. My ds1 would sleep on an air bed on the boys floor so my BIL is right, when my ds1 gets up at 7am, he would wake the majority of the house.

OP posts:
complexnumber · 05/04/2011 13:35

If you start to tamper with folks' lie-ins, you are walking on egg shells. These are extremely precious periods that I personally hold very dear.

I am not saying YABU, just that a lie in is a hard-worked for reward that people like me treasure, people have different values and priorities.

louloudia · 05/04/2011 13:36

go for longer

get two hotel rooms

Iwantscallops · 05/04/2011 13:43

I thought your other DC's slept later and you were palming off the early riser!

I would just suck it up but not be very happy about it. It really isn't very accomodating of them. We often have family to stay here and all the usual rules go out of the window for a weekend.

When we visit family, luckily there is a caravan site within 30mins drive so we try to stay there. Would that be an option for you? Or even a cottage?

darleneconnor · 05/04/2011 13:43

I think 7 am is vv early for a 7yo to be up at!

why cant he get up and quietly watch tv on his own until 10am?

sparechange · 05/04/2011 13:49

Can't you spend the next few weeks getting DS1 used to reading a book or similar when he wakes up? Does he have a gameboy? Can he just go and watch tv?

EverythingInMiniature · 05/04/2011 14:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

iskra · 05/04/2011 14:36

Actually, although I love my (rare) lie-ins, I do think it's a bit weird of your BIL. We don't have a spare room at all & we have guests to stay in our living room pretty often. It's not always easy but that's the only way we can see the people we love.

Gemsy83 · 05/04/2011 14:38

7am early for a 7 year old? My god wish 8 year old DD would 'lie-in' until 7am!!!

MorticiaAddams · 05/04/2011 15:01

7am is early for any age in this house. Sometimes I'm awake but it's rare that anyone else will be before 8.30am on a weekend and quite often later. Apart from brief toddler early wakings we have always been like that.

I think the problem on their side would be that getting the children up early could make their out of sorts and grumpy thereby spoiling the rest of the day.

Having said that manage with early risers when friends/family come to stay as we like to have them here and missing the occasional lie-in is worth it to see them.

I would also put the ball back in their court and see how they react.

HerHissyness · 05/04/2011 15:05

OP, who specifically is doing the moaning about you not spending time with the ILs?

If it's BIL, then it's kind of his fault, his problem that he is not talking to FIL, and forcing you to spend time with one OR the other.

TBH, you are lucky to spend time with your friends, very often it's family that puts you up and then insists on monopolising all your time, and you don't end up getting to spend time with people you would choose to be with!

As I see it, none of this is your doing, and for your BIL to have ishoos with FIL, ishoos with your son getting up at 7am, he's coming across as very self centred and selfish. Sounds to me like you are doing your best to accommodate everyone, but it's not bein reciprocated.

Throw the ball back in the ILs court.

Original poster
pingu2209 · 05/04/2011 15:54

louloudia - I can't afford to pay for 2 rooms or stay longer. We go for the Premier Inn deal of £29/night if you book on line at least 3 weeks in advance. We spend at least £80 in fuel getting there too. And we have to pay for our breakfast, lunch and dinner out because the £29 deal doesn't come with breakfast. Yes we pay for food when we are at home but we eat in, not in a restaurant.

We have our BIL and family to stay here but they only come once a year (their choice). We have 4 bedrooms but that is still a squeeze when there are 2 families of 5 living in it. I just take the attitude of, well it is only for a weekend.

We came down to see everyone at Christmas and 1 day was put aside out of 4 for BIL. We got there and tbh I expected a cooked lunch or a buffet but as soon as we got there at 10.30 they started talking about going to a restaurant. This really annoid me as we had spent so much money going to see them - fuel, accommodation etc. We ended up spending £120 on lunch for our family of 5.

When they come to us I get in loads of food and buy the stuff their children like - white bread, chocolate based cereal, bacon etc. I cook 2 different meals as SIL is vege but their 2 sons are very meat eaters.

The friends we stay with provide breakfast (for free) for us when we stay, although we share the cost of dinner in by one of us bringing starters, the other mains and another pudding - all prepared/cooked in the friend's kitchen.

BIL took offense when the final day of the 4 over Christmas was spent at the friend who put my ds1 up. This was a 2nd day with them but we had only spent 1 day with BIL.

I just have no comprehension of how BIL can take hospitability from me and dh but not provide much in return.

OP posts:
pommedeterre · 05/04/2011 16:51

Just don't go. Seriously. What would happen? Nothing.
You are being taken advantage of and you know it. They can come to you but no more going to them is my advice. If they ask why no more visits to them tell them the truth - 'You are mardy arse freeloaders' :)
On a more serious note - what's your dh's position on it?

PrincessScrumpy · 05/04/2011 16:57

My inlaws complain they don't see dd enough but when here they sleep in until 10am at least! My parents always get up with dd and tell us to have a lie-in as they only do it occasionally so they can catch up on the sleep the following week!

In laws are annoying - just how it is (mine are nice but there will always be something)

EldritchCleavage · 05/04/2011 17:02

Well, BIL's a joyless churl, isn't he?

What everyone else has said-until you have an alternative accomodation set-up, you have to rely on friends and so you spend a full day with them. Unless you could, as someone else said, train DS to read quietly in bed or downstairs until 10 am.

Next time BIL comes to stay, repeat the restaurant trick!

MmeLindt · 05/04/2011 17:04

7 yos normally sleep longer than 7am? Would you kindly tell my (almost) 9yo DD that. She is awake at 7am, no matter how late she goes to bed the night before.

Saying that, she is capable - as is my 6yo DS of keeping quiet for an hour or two in the morning. Not sure that woudl work when the "sleepover" with cousins is brought into the equation though.

YANBU. Stick to your guns.

And next time they come to visit - don't make a fuss, and don't spend extra money on them. I would do a vegetarian meal or something that you can add meat to for the meat eaters.