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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think dh should give footy a miss...

26 replies

lynds1 · 05/04/2011 11:04

when he's been away (for work) for 8 days? Dh has been abroad for 8 days & returned on Sunday. We spent the day visiting our respective mothers with it being mothers day, whilst he pretty much ignored the fact that im a mother too! Then he fell asleep as soon as we got home as he was really jet lagged - fair enough. I bathed the ds's & got them to bed. Yesterday he was back to work as usual so I was really looking forward to us having a nice family dinner - but instead he decided to go to his usual weekly footy game. I'm so annoyed. I don't normally mind him going to football at all but really thought he should stay at home with us on this one occasion when we'd barely seen him in over a week. Even poor eldest ds (6) said 'it's not fair, we've hardly seen daddy'.

It's his birthday today & I found it impossible to be friendly this morning before he went to work - now I feel guilty I've ruined his birthday by being cross!
AIBU???

OP posts:
Finger · 05/04/2011 11:19

Yes, you should make him stay at home so he gets no excercise and gets fat. Everyone is doing it these days. Also don't let him go off anywhere with work, they'll soon sack him then he'll be there all the time for you. A big fat lump sitting in the corner. Poor guy is knackered from work and maybe he thought a game of footy might pick him up a bit. And now you've ruined his birthday. Remember, always think of yourself not others.

Original poster
lynds1 · 05/04/2011 11:29

Did you read the part where I said I don't normally mind him going to football at all?? We both encourage each other to do lots of social / sporting activities without each other. The point I was making was I thought after not seeing me & the kids for over a week he might want to spend one evening with us. I'm certainly not the sort of person who just wants him at home all the time & where you got that from my post, I have no idea!

OP posts:
worraliberty · 05/04/2011 11:30

Does he have to go back abroad or are there other evenings you can spend together?

Original poster
lynds1 · 05/04/2011 11:37

There will be other evenings worraliberty, just not till the weekend as the ds's are booked up with various activities this week - part if the reason that last night felt like a good opportunity. I just know I couldn't be away for a week & then not want to spend lots of time with the children.

OP posts:
worraliberty · 05/04/2011 11:40

I know what you're saying but we're all different. Some people just like to relax in other ways.

Cancel one of the activities and have a family evening, but I really wouldn't spoil his birthday because he wanted to play footy after working so hard.

mayorquimby · 05/04/2011 11:40

If there's other evenings then I think yabu.

AliSheedy · 05/04/2011 11:42

I think you need to get over it. Exercise is a commitment - you don't just drop it because you've been away.

Plan to spend some family time together this weekend - and stop being a misog on his birthday!

BluddyMoFo · 05/04/2011 11:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mayorquimby · 05/04/2011 11:59

"He comes back exhilarated and knackered in a GOOD way. I think its a really important part of his week."

TBH I'm the same. If I miss out on exercise that I generally get, it seriously affects my mood. Not in a way that I'd be sulking/moody because I haven't gotten my way etc. because obviously sometimes you just have to miss these things.
But I feel properly off and down. For a long time I didn't make the connection as to why I felt so much worse in myself when I missed exercise, so it definitely wasn't that I was sulking, but it definitely is really important to some people to get exercise in, especially scheduled exercise, just for their general state of mind.

Original poster
lynds1 · 05/04/2011 12:16

Just wanted to add here that dh works for himself & this work trip away was done at his own pace - with a day of no meetings mid week that he spent shopping & a free last day that he spent chilling out. He spent every evening with his clients, going out to dinners, bars etc. So whilst he does work hard, he had by no means had a really tough week.

I realise I may have come across as a control freak type dw but that's really not the case. Since Xmas dh has had two 4 day snowboarding holidays with friends, he generally goes to footy twice a week, out every Friday to the pub & then additional stuff as it arise. I don't mind any of this at all. All I wanted was him to miss one evening of footy so we could have a family dinner. I very very rarely ask him to miss it.

OP posts:
purplepidjin · 05/04/2011 12:33

DP says if it's playing, then YABU. If it's just watching YANBU.

BTW DP runs a lot but has been off for 2 months with an ankle injury - I'm begging him to go back, he's getting really grouchy! Boys need their sport.

However, if he's off to prance about on the pitch for 10 minutes then spend an hour in the pub, YADNBU!

Finger · 05/04/2011 12:38

I still maintain you should keep him home and fatten him up. He won't be able to go off and enjoy himself snowboarding and his friends will soon tire of him. You'll have him all to yourself then. And I definitely wouldn't let him go away for work again if he's going to go shopping or chill out. Please note though, taking clients out to dinner etc is still work and not pleasure.

Original poster
lynds1 · 05/04/2011 12:42

I'm still not sure finger where you are reading that I want to fatten him up & keep him to myself?

OP posts:
TotemPole · 05/04/2011 12:46

lynds, I can understand the way you're thinking, wanting him to put family time first after his time away. But a week of nights out with clients would be tiring for most people. It might sound like a jolly, but he wouldn't have been able to let his guard down as he would with friends at home. He would have to maintain some degree of professionalism, not get drunk, not say the wrong thing, not make the wrong joke etc.

Going to play football would be good for him to unwind properly after the week.

You sound like a busy family all round, you, him and the children. Maybe in future you need to plan family time together in a more formal way, discuss in advance, making it one night a week/fortnight as a regular thing?

MooMooFarm · 05/04/2011 12:47

YABU - assuming he's made a committment to the football team he plays for? It's only a few hours isn't it, so what difference does it make?

I would hate it if DH tried to stop me doing something I love, just because he wanted to spend some 'time together'. If you live together you get plenty of that anyway.

Nanny0gg · 05/04/2011 12:48

So, if any of you went away for a week, you would make sure that on the first available day you could spend alone with your family, you would go out - just because you always go out on Mondays? (and does the evening end at the final whistle?)

I bet you wouldn't.

OP - YANBU. One night? Won't kill him.

MmeLindt · 05/04/2011 12:51

Hmm, not quite sure why you are getting a hard time - although you might have put in the OP just how much family free time your DH gets, that swung me from being, "ah, it will be good for him to unwind" to "that is a bit selfish".

Do you get time alone? Or are you always stuck home with the DC?

MooMooFarm · 05/04/2011 12:51

But doesn't it depend on the reason for going out? If it was just going down the pub on a jolly, fair enough, the OP would NBU. But if he's a member of a football team, that's different IMO.

hmmSleep · 05/04/2011 12:55

I seem to be in the minority but actually I don't think YABU, Your dh should be able to put his dc and you before his football when he hasn't seen you in over a week. As for those going on about needing his sport etc, quite sure he could have gone for a run, swim, whatever every night he was away if it's that important to him.

dreamingbohemian · 05/04/2011 12:55

I think it depends on the kind of footie.

As purple said, if it's a bunch of friends larking about then going to the pub, YANBU -- in the same way people are saying you could hang out as a family another night, he can hang out with his friends another night.

But if it's more formal, proper five a side action, that he feels a commitment to, YABU.

I think it's understandable you feel this way, but try not to ruin the birthday celebration... see you how you feel tomorrow, you can always talk to him about it then.

TotemPole · 05/04/2011 13:00

I agree, I hadn't thought of the commitment aspect of it. If he is on a team, he would have planned to miss last week as he was away, then said he'd be back in time for last night.

hmmSleep · 05/04/2011 13:00

and it's not just about spending time with the op, it's about spending time with his children too. I'm sure after a week on her own looking after the children the op would have quite liked a nice evening out playing sport with her mates too, oh no, hang on, she has to stay in and look after the kids like she's been doing all week again.

dangalf · 05/04/2011 13:03

Your reaction is understandable but I do think you're probably being a little unreasonable. If it's a weekly commitment then he should honour it. Exercise is also good for the soul. Indeed, I'm jealous as I banjaxed my cruciate ligament so off football for a fair old while and i really miss the exercise (and social aspect).

dreamingbohemian · 05/04/2011 13:09

hmmSleep that's a really good point actually, hadn't thought of that

Original poster
lynds1 · 05/04/2011 15:25

Thanks hmmSleep - I think you've put it in a nutshell exactly why I was upset about it. After a week of being on my own with the ds's (which was a particularly lonely week as ds1 had an ear infection so we were stuck at home for a lot of it) I was really looking forward to having a night not sat on my own with the ds's.

As far as the football goes, he was playing but it's a group of friends playing, not a formal team. Him not going wouldn't have stopped the others playing or let anyone down.

OP posts:
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