AIBU?
to expect OH to do something in the mornings
Niceguy2 · 05/04/2011 09:21
This is the situation. OH has recently started a new job and has to leave the house at 8am.
Previous to this she's always been a SAHM for the time we've been together.
The old routine was that I'd wake up at 7:30am and I'd sort DS out ready for school. OH would wake at 8:30 and sort DSS out then take him to nursery. No problems with that.
Now she's started work, the routine has had to change. Except now she wakes at 7am. She'll spend the entire hour getting herself ready, making her own lunch and eating breakfast before leaving the house with her breakfast still out & any mess she "didnt get time" to clear up from her lunch.
I still get up at 7:30. I have to now get both kids ready before walking DSS to nursery which makes me then 30 mins late every day to start work. Luckily my job is fairly flexible since I work from home so its not a huge deal but I do feel guilty still when I am not online at 9am. Oh not to mention I have to then spend my lunch hour fetching him then miss more time whilst I make him his lunch have him wittering away in the background all afternoon.
It's not that I'm expecting her to do loads. Just something!...other than the entire hour getting herself ready. Eg. Put clothes on DSS or get him some breakfast....Hell even finish a cup of tea! (This morning she managed to pour water into a cup).
How do other families manage when both parents work?
TattyDevine · 05/04/2011 09:32
I'm thinking you are late mainly because of the nursery drop off as opposed to getting them ready?
I dont think an hour is unreasonable amount of time to get ready - if she showers, does something with her hair, etc, and has breakfast.
I think she should not leave a mess in the kitchen from lunch making and breakfast.
If she wakes at 7am, and leaves at 8am, unless the kids are up at half 6, I'm not sure her getting up earlier would do much to help you anyway?
TattyDevine · 05/04/2011 09:36
I've just re-read your post - do you think it might be better if you BOTH get up at 7am. She's getting up an hour and a half earlier than she used to and is now bringing in some money. You will also benefit from this money presumably but are not getting up any earlier but complaining about extra work for you. Fair dues but would that pressure be relieved by simply getting up at the same time as your partner, giving you an extra half hour?
stressheaderic · 05/04/2011 09:36
If DSS did a full day at nursery, you could get more work done and it wouldn't matter that you started after 9am.
Is this a possibility at least on some days?
Working from home changes the situation a bit. OH prob thinks there's no urgency because you're there all day. Whenever one of us has a day off, we're always a bit more relxed in the mornings, knowing we can tidy up later in the day.
TattyDevine · 05/04/2011 09:40
I think the key is when do the children wake? It feels wrong to rip a sleeping child out of bed just so the distribution of "work" is "fair". If she's out the house at 8am and they are only just up at 7:45 (or later, is implied in the OP which mentions that she used to sleep till 8:30 though that might be because Niceguy was taking care of the kids) then there is not a lot she can do except make sure the kitchen is not left in a mess. That said, if they are not up till later there is no point Niceguy getting up earlier either unless its to make sure he is at least set up and ready for the day prior to kids waking...
Its seems its the nursery run that's actually making him late, Niceguy can you clarify?
TattyDevine · 05/04/2011 09:43
If its just that he starts work late because of the nursery run which she can no longer do because she has a job and has to cope with 3/4 year old later after nursery whilst trying to work because she is no longer a SAHM then I'd say suck it up cupcake, and find a childcare solution if possible, it will be better in the long run for the 3/4 year old than being "endured" if that makes sense (and I do sympathise, it can be notiriously difficult to even make a phone call or bang out a quick email if they are not in the mood to "let" you...)
Escallonia · 05/04/2011 09:43
I can't believe you work from home but have a nursery age child with you whilst trying to do so. Do you ignore him while you work? Or ignore work while you mind him? You need childcare for him and to adjust your schedule - might be nice to see your OH in the mornings for a bit longer too, have breakfast all together, all clear up or take turns doing so?
But yes I agree it's not fair that she leaves all her stuff for you to clear up.
Ciske · 05/04/2011 09:47
How do other families manage when both parents work?
I work from home, like yourself, and DP works out of the house. He's a guy, so only needs 30 mins to get iron shirt/shower/get dressed, and he's the one that takes DD into nursery on his way to work.
In return, I get up early and make sure that DD is woken, dressed and fed. They both leave the house at 7.15 which gives me time to shower/get dressed and do some chores before starting work at 9.00.
Your routine sounds like it just needs a little bit of tweaking to make sure it all runs smoothly and you can both start work on time. A few suggestions:
- Can OH make her lunch in the evening? This will save her time in the morning, which means she can watch over DC while you have a shower. It also means the mess will not be left for you to do in work hours.
- Can OH take DC into nursery on her way to work, with you doing the pick up?
- Can you get up at 7am as well to buy yourself some time in the morning?
In the short term you might have to accept that she is in a new job and things will be a little hectic however, long term this agreement should work for both of you and you need to sit down and work out how, rather than let frustrations build up over time.
Niceguy2 · 05/04/2011 09:51
OK, thanks for the opinions so far. I'm probably just grumpy this morning because of the mess (again) and the fact she didn't even manage to put milk into the tea! And I thought you women could multitask! 
DSS has been at the same nursery for a while now and they only do half days. They don't do full days and he's only got a few more months before he will leave for school in Sept. So moving him would be a huge disruption for little gain. That's not the most annoying part because hopefully soon with the additional income we can afford to get another car so she doesn't have to take mine to work each day.
It's not that I can't cope (K999! 
), it's just symbolic I guess. Just a gesture would be nice. Every day since she's started, she's done nothing other than sort herself out. I picked up all the slack and each night a freshly dinner prepared from scratch is on the table by the time she gets home. To be fair, she did most of the housework over the weekend including an overflowing ironing basket.
Niceguy2 · 05/04/2011 09:58
@Escallonia - You are right. The afternoon's are a bit crap for DSS at the moment until my other kids get home from school. He generally entertains himself on the spare computer or TV.
But we felt that it would be too disruptive to take him out of his nursery school at this late stage where he's familiar with everyone and has a good circle of friends to dump him somewhere else for just 3 months.
I like the idea of waking up earlier and having breakfast together but OH is notorious for not waking until the last second. Will try to suggest that this evening.
Niceguy2 · 05/04/2011 10:01
Oh, and what's going to happen during the holidays?
Oh gawd....not even thought that far ahead yet! If my kids are around then they generally can argue entertain each other. With summer coming up, they can play outside. We live on a very quiet cul-de-sac so have no concerns with them playing in the garden/on the street.
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