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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let a known theif into my house?

32 replies

Rockmaiden · 04/04/2011 20:44

Bit of background:

My partner has a cousin who lives several miles away from us. I have never met this boy and know nothing about him. I do know from other family members that he has stolen items from their homes several times in the past. Their was one incident recently where he stole from a relative and was caught trying to sell the items which resulted in being arrested and charged, no not just gossip.

Anyway this cousin has called my partner to say they are coming near us tomorrow as visiting friends and can they come round. My gut instinct is no, I don't want a thief in my home. My partner trusts him and says he won't steal from us but he has stolen from his own parents.

An added complication is that I will not be here at the time of the visit as have a prior appointment and whilst my partner says she will supervise the cousin I do not believe she will as she clearly trusts him and so why would she.

Am I over-reacting or would you not allow a person like this into your home?

OP posts:
deste · 04/04/2011 20:46

Absolutely not.

Newgolddream · 04/04/2011 20:47

I dont think you are over reacting at all, theres no way I would be happy with someone who has stolen from their own parents in my house - how on earth will you be sure he wont do taht to his cousin? But its awkward , what were the circumstances - why did they steal and why does your DP trust them?

bubblecoral · 04/04/2011 20:48

I wouldn't allow it. I'd suggest a nice coffee shop down the road, and if your dp is too shy to admit the reason that she doesn't want to meet at home, she could say you are having some decorating done or something.

TheArmadillo · 04/04/2011 20:48

no

can she meet him for coffee or summat instead

Flowerpotmummy · 04/04/2011 20:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Rockmaiden · 04/04/2011 20:50

My partner trusts the cousin as they were very close when they were young (they havn't seen each other for 6 years) and he is a 'lovely person'.

He may well be lovely but he is also a theif and a lot changes in 6 years!

No idea what caused the stealing, it has been suggested they have a drug habit but this is just hear-say and not proven, although my partner says he does (or at least did) use cocaine so could be the reason why.

I just suppose i'm really uncomfortable.

My partner isn't happy and is now stropping upstairs.

OP posts:
Tigerbomb · 04/04/2011 20:51

no way. I wouldn't even think up an excuse either. I would tell them bluntly why we were meeting up in a coffee shop and not my home.

Rhinestone · 04/04/2011 20:53

Stick to your guns. You have every right to deny him access to your stuff.

Newgolddream · 04/04/2011 21:07

Exactly, this is your home, dont allow it. But I meant it maybe making things awkward between you and your DP, hope it doesnt come to that.

HipHopopotomus · 04/04/2011 21:23

Well on one hand yanbu but on the other hand is it not your partners home too? Shouldn't she be able to make decisionscas to who she can have over, knowing how you feel about it? Or are you her ruler?

Original poster
Rockmaiden · 04/04/2011 22:58

It is my partner's home also yes, technically not as I owned the house before we met but as we now live together we treat it as both our homes.

I just feel I have a right to say no as I am not comfortable with this person. Partner is fuming and thinks I am being pathetic however.

I am also worried about the drug issue, it may not be true but there will be 3 young children here and what if it is?

Also how can my partner claim to 'supervise' the cousin constantly with 3 young children to watch also. Is my partner really going to avoid going to the toilet etc.

We have just over £500 in the house at the minute for an up-coming expense and I think it's too big a risk.

Meeting up for a coffee wouldn't really work since the plan was for cousin to sleep here and return home in the morning.

OP posts:
parakeet · 04/04/2011 23:06

Just say: "He has stolen from his own MOTHER - so he could certainly steal from us."

It's both your homes, so in theory a joint decision, but there are some circumstances in which either partner should be able to exercise a veto, and I think this is one of them.

bubblecoral · 04/04/2011 23:06

Rockmaiden also has a right to decide who sleeps in his home knowing how his dp feels!

Now you've said it's an overnight visit an she hasn't seen him for six years, I think you have even more right to say no!

It's completely reasonable for you to at least say you want to meet this person before you open your house to overnight stays. Being addicted to a hard drug to the point where you are stealing from family changes a person beyond all recognition. She does not know this person well enough to make a reasonable judgement.

ChristinedePizan · 04/04/2011 23:15

I would not have a thieving addict in the house, no. Addicts are not trustworthy, however nice they are. The only way I would is if I knew for sure he was absolutely clean. And as you don't have that kind of assurance, put your foot down.

cityangel · 04/04/2011 23:25

your partner is being unreasonable. I would cancel the prior engagement and protect my home & children at all costs. Addicts that pop up out of the blue for a one night stay with a history of drug abuse and thieving are not coming over to see how you're doing...

stream · 04/04/2011 23:27

He lives several miles away and was coming for an overnight stay? Why?

Original poster
Rockmaiden · 05/04/2011 00:14

I am not 100% sure he is an addict just what I have heard but people gossip. My partner is aware that he uses cocaine but this dosn't seem to be a big issue to her but it bloody is to me!

He lives approx 30 miles away and is apparantly 'passing through' our town so asked to stay, he dosn't drive and is coming on the train so no doubt will want collecting and dropping off etc.

I think this is going to be a bloody big argument tomorrow as my partner just can't understand my concerns. I would be the exact same with a member of my own family.

I am up and out early so if I come home to find the cousin in the house I may just be throwing them both out.

OP posts:
tribpot · 05/04/2011 00:24

Why wouldn't you take the cash at least with you when you go out tomorrow? It's unlikelier to be safer at home as there is a pretty high risk the guy is hitting on you for a place to stay and a place to rob.

Why is your dp so adamant he won't do it to her when he has done it to his own parents? How could you even sleep at night, knowing he was there?

I certainly sympathise with the viewpoint that it's your dp's house too, but I also agree that this is where there has to be a veto. I wouldn't expect to house a friend of mine if DH objected, or vice versa.

raffle · 05/04/2011 00:25

This is where my bloody minded side kicks in! Say what parakeet says, remove all your cash and moveable valuables, then sit back.

If stuff goes missing then you can play the 'told you so' card, worse case senario:a couple of DVD go a miss Hmm

Be the martyr.

RosyApples · 05/04/2011 00:25

I agree with you entirely. If he can steal from his parents he can steal from his cousin however close they were 6 years ago. I think your partner is being extremely naive. If I were you I'd take the cash with me in the morning just in case. Your partner should respect your wishes however especially considering her cousins backround, it's not like it's some unfounded fear based on rumor or stereotyping.

RosyApples · 05/04/2011 00:27

XP

FabbyChic · 05/04/2011 00:36

I wouldn't leave the 500 in the house, I'd take any valuables with me when I left if I were you.

Original poster
Rockmaiden · 05/04/2011 00:58

I am planning on taking the cash with me, not really many valubles other than in our bedroom and I think they will be safe there.

I am so scared that he is going to stay and leave drugs lying around (I know i'm being paranoid here) and that my son (suffers from autism) will find them.

My son is not good with new people AT ALL and will be terrifed, I just wish she would 'get it' sometimes. I will hold my hand up and say I can be irrational and very protective of the children but this just dosn't feel right to me.

We don't even have the room for him to stay, my partner suggested putting a blow up bed in my son's sensory room (great limit him from using HIS room when he will need it the most)

I may just take the kids and we can all stay with a friend for the night. I reallt think DP is going to go 'over my head' and refuse to cancel the visit but as she is asleep now all I can do is try once again to plead my case in the morning.

OP posts:
Bearskinwoolies · 05/04/2011 01:38

YADNBU - my dh has step-family, and one of the step-nephews is an addict, and a terrible thief. He is currently banned not only from everyones homes, but also their gardens after stealing his cousins bicycle from the back garden one night and swapping it for a wrap of heroin.

Taking your children to stay with a friend overnight sounds like a good idea, but don't assume that any valuables left in your bedroom would be safe.

RosyApples · 05/04/2011 02:48

Even though it might cause an argument/ sulk I think it's probably the best for your son that you stay with a friend, if you feel tense and uneasy your DC will pick up on it and it isn't fair for them (for the record I think it's unfair on you that you have to leave your own home but still). And as you said it will be easier for your partner to keep an eye on her cousin. Good luck for the morning, hope everything goes well.

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