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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be thoroughly pissed off?

38 replies

dontcallmepeanut · 04/04/2011 19:10

Back in January, I loaned my SIL a small amount. Well, £600. This came about, as, due to my student loan, I get paid every 4 months, as opposed to weekly/monthly basis. She said I would be paid back by the end of March.

So, end of March has been and gone. Unfortunately, a few weeks back a debt that ex-DP had wrung up in my name resurfaced, with threats of court action. I paid this off, but it meant I was left significantly short of March's childcare bill. Joy. Now, ex-DP is being a bit of a twat about being asked to contributey to repaying the debt. In fact, when approached about it, he replied with a text message accusing me of wrecking his life "again"...

Now, SIL is fully aware of the financial shit I'm in until May. I'm likewise aware that SIL is awaiting for her mortgage. She's said when that gets paid, she'll be repaying me. My brother is working full time, and I'm aware that they've been out to dinner, for drinks, even had a lavish christening for their son, which I'm not going to begrudge them. But when I asked for them to repay a little bit of the loan, SIL replied that they couldn't afford to.

AIBU in thinking that it would be the decent thing for one of them to say "ok, we can't pay the full amount back yet, but we'll pay back what we can afford"? Or am I just being a class bitch?

OP posts:
mitochondria · 04/04/2011 19:12

YANBU to be thoroughly pissed off.

Never lend her money again.

Oakmaiden · 04/04/2011 19:14

No, you are not being unreasonable. They borrowed money from you and promised to pay it back by a certain time, and have failed to do so. Whilst this happens all the time in families without it being a big deal, the fact on this occasion is that it is having major financial implications for you.

Are they completely aware that you NEED the money NOW? They might just think things are tight, but not realise they are desperate?

MorticiaAddams · 04/04/2011 19:15

YANBU. Did you point out to her that they had spare money for meals and drinks out so could have part paid you back with that?

Original poster
dontcallmepeanut · 04/04/2011 19:19

I know SIL knows the financial situation, Oak. I told her the other night that I currently owe the nursery £428. Another bill would have been added today, so can't face the prospect of going in tomorrow and not even being able to say when I'll pay them. As a result, missing my final week of uni before my exams.

Morticia, I haven't as of yet. I know I should have, but I struggle with confrontation at the best of times.

OP posts:
Cymar · 04/04/2011 19:29

YANBU but TBH OP, if they can afford to go out for dinner and drinks, then they can forfeit those things a few times to pay you something back.

I also agree with Mitochondria. £600 is not a small amount to some families, but apart from that, don't lend her any more money.

bubblecoral · 04/04/2011 19:32

She is being a bitch, but your brother is being worse! Why is he letting his wife treat his sister like this?

It sounds like you lent money to them both really.

trixie123 · 04/04/2011 19:35

YANBU. I loaned my sister a 4 figure sum and didn't mind when she paid it back so long as she started when she was able to. I started getting a bit Hmm when her and her DP were buying gadgets and new TVs etc and eventually pretty much insisted she started a DD into my account (I played up the fact that I was now on ML and money was tighter than it had been). Does your exDP contribute generally to your childcare costs? Can he cover this month's bill in leiu of the debt?

lilyliz · 04/04/2011 19:46

YANBU and if they ever ask again you know what to do.They are being mean and selfish and I would be tempted to tell them a few home truths.

Original poster
dontcallmepeanut · 04/04/2011 19:51

exDP contributes nothing, full stop, and is on JSA, so would not be able to pay even part of it. Knowing him, he'd probably argue that he doesn't see DS, so why should he pay.

I have no idea why SIL and my brother are being like such. I kept pointing out how skint I am the other day, and neither of them said owt. When I asked when I'd be paid back, SIL said when the mortgage comes through. I'm so frustrated here...

OP posts:
Icelollycraving · 04/04/2011 20:10

I think it's confrontation time tbh. They are being unreasonable.

ENormaSnob · 04/04/2011 20:13

Yanbu

Original poster
dontcallmepeanut · 04/04/2011 20:34

I think you're right, Icelolly... I just hate the thought of causing any friction. I don't deal with arguments well... and I thiing that's where this is going to head soon

OP posts:
QueenStromba · 04/04/2011 21:40

How did you end up with your ex's debt in your name? Too late now if you've already paid it but if someone is chasing you for debts you can ask them for a signed copy of the credit agreement and if they can't produce it then they can't chase you for the money - useful to know if your ex was taking out debt in your name without your permission.

Original poster
dontcallmepeanut · 04/04/2011 22:41

Queen, I left him in May 2 years ago, and was under the impression (thanks to him and Virgin) that the account had been transferred to his name. It turns out that Virgin had sent the change of address forms to him, after telling me they'd changed it over. He lead me to believe that he was receiving mail addressed to him, not me. It wasn't until a few weeks back that I found out he hadn't returned said forms, and the name hadn't been changed over, and he hadn't been making payments, leaving me with a £300 default, which I found out about when I had a letter come through, saying that if it wasn't paid withing 7 days, they'd be looking at taking it to court.

OP posts:
RosyApples · 04/04/2011 23:51

I think you need to put your foot down regarding SIL. She is taking the piss. State you agreed to lend her the money on the agreement it would be paid back at the end of march and you don't deserve to be short on your childcare bill so she can enjoy going out for dinner and drinks while you sit and stress about money and with exams coming up too, it's the last thing you need. I wish I could be more helpful regarding your ex but i'm not too sure on where you stand legally :(

MadamDeathstare · 05/04/2011 00:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadamDeathstare · 05/04/2011 00:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

skybluepearl · 05/04/2011 07:26

they are waiting till they have money from the new mortgage maybe and will give you a lump sum when it arrives or when the checks have been run. will this be due soon? if so i would wait and just keep gently reminding them. if it's going to be a while you need to ask them for a portion of it at least to pay part of your childcare costs now. can you talk to the nursery and explain that they you have a small lump sum arriving but it wont be for a littlewhile. maybe in the future aim to give yourself a cash cushion of a couple of thousand for emergencies. pretend its not there - so you don't loan it or spend it. i know this is easier said than doen though.

FreudianSlippery · 05/04/2011 07:35

Do you have evidence of the loan, maybe small claims court is a possibility?

Original poster
dontcallmepeanut · 05/04/2011 07:49

A cash cushion of a couple of thousand? Exactly where do people get that from, pearl? Afetr everything essential is paid off each month, I have £150 remaining.

I have already explained to the nursery the situation, but I feel thoroughly uncomfortable with having DS there while I can't pay anything. I'm asking one of my close friends to have him instead, so I don't feel so unreasonable.

Freudian, I have the receipt from when I paid the loan to them, but would not feel comfortable with the court route.

DeathStare, thank you. That sounds reasonable. And believe me, I won't be.

OP posts:
Hammy02 · 05/04/2011 08:15

Your Sil's priority should be to repay you before any nights out or lavish christenings. Especially given your financial situation. YANBU.

SarkyLady · 05/04/2011 08:21

You need to remind her what the agreement was.

Sounds like she believes that the agreement was for her to pay it back when the mortgage came through.

Itchywoolyjumper · 05/04/2011 09:23

YANBU, your SIL is. However, if she won't repay it until it suits her your being in the right (and you are) is of no material benefit to you.
Don't fight with her at the moment, it'll only pile more stress on in the run up to your exams, instead go to your tutor at uni and explain your situation and how its affecting your exam prep. They will be able to advise you on how to access your university's hardship fund and if there might be any other funding floating about that might help you. Its also possible that your tutor might submit a mitigating circumstances form for your up coming exams to cover you if this causes your grades to slip.
Don't tell SIL any of this as it will let her feel she's off the hook. Go after the money with all guns blazing after the exams, when you've got less on your plate.
Are your parents still with you? Could they help with child care or a loan or even putting more pressure on the SIL?

AKMD · 05/04/2011 09:27

YANBU. This is why io never lend money to anyone; it causes too much upset in the long run and we can't afford to write money off.

Original poster
dontcallmepeanut · 05/04/2011 10:19

I feel too ashamed to take DS to nursery, so my friend, who now knows the situation, has agreed to take him for the afternoon. I think I'd be lost without her.

From what I've understood of our university's hardship fund, it allows one application per academic year. As I applied last semester, then I believe I wouldn't be elegible again until September. I am also arranging a meeting with my tutor, as I've had a hard year of it anyway. My parents live abroad, and at the moment are not financially well off, but am considering talking to them to see about them having a word.

AK, I wouldn't have for any other siblings, but the brother in question provided me with a great deal of financial help when I first moved back, so a big part of me felt it was only right that I helped them out when need be.

OP posts:
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