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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Cold, objective comments required please

54 replies

littlepigshavebigears · 04/04/2011 11:42

OK - just cold, automatic responses please (as my feelings are not objective)

How would you interpret this

A man in his late forties/early fifties is a social worker who works with EBD children in a residential school. He also runs gymnastics clubs and is involved with archery clubs and various children's groups.

he wants to adopt a child and is frequently looking at "be my parent" type publications and talking about particular children he is considering

he has no relationships with women although he does want them and does express attraction for women sometimes

he has a 7yo goddaughter who visits him on her own a lot and spends a lot of time alone with him in his house

on several occasions he takes his top off and asks his goddaughter to scratch his back while they watch videos he has rented for her

one one occasion his goddaughter has a tantrum and throws his TV remote across the room - she doesn't remember what happens next, her next memory is of lying on his tummy on the sofa with his arms around her

he coaches a gymnastic team and once describes how one of his star gymnasts told him she was pregnant - he pinned her up against the wall because he was so angry

impressions? please? is it nothing?

OP posts:

BrainSurgeon · 04/04/2011 11:54

If you spent so much time with him as a child, then I think you should know better. What's this lying on the sofa on his tummy thing....
Are you trying to say that your gut feeling is there's something wrong here?

BrainSurgeon · 04/04/2011 11:55

Sorry x-post
So there IS something wrong here
You've asnwered your own question!

FabbyChic · 04/04/2011 11:57

It does sound to me like he was indeed grooming you. Maybe it's a good thing you cannot remember, but if you wanted to therapy would help perhaps bring the memories back.

Oakmaiden · 04/04/2011 11:58

If the allegations were proven to be correct then, yes, obviously you were at risk too. Although your mother MAY not have known/believed it, I suppose.

If they weren't proven, then it could still be that he was just not good at keeping appropriate boundaries. Allegations can be false.

But what the suspicious mind would infer from this could well be the correct story...

foxter · 04/04/2011 11:59

From what you've said he sounds like an ok guy who happened to lose his temper once. I don't think that the back scratching was weird if you were close. My DH is always asking the kids to scratch his back for him, so maybe he just felt like you were the child he never had?

foxter · 04/04/2011 12:00

sorry, didn't read the whole post! Now you mention he lost his job because of allegations, then maybe he wasn't ok.

madonnawhore · 04/04/2011 12:02

Definitely sounds a little strange.

sweetigilly · 04/04/2011 12:02

littlepigshavebigears

Is he a Scout Leader?

Parmallama · 04/04/2011 12:02

Extremely volatile person...

The backscratching sounds inapropriate...

Wouldn't entrust any child I knew into his care...for any length of time

plopplopquack · 04/04/2011 12:04

What were the allegations?

sweetigilly · 04/04/2011 12:12

Parmallama

Oh come on now. Have you never had an itchy back, its murder.

Supermoo · 04/04/2011 12:18

A bit of an aside, but speaking as someone who works closely with teenagers with ebd, allegations against workers are very common. They are sometimes true and sometimes not. Don't assume it's confirmation that this guy is an abuser.

That said, sorry for your troubles. Speak to your mum about it?

abenstille · 04/04/2011 12:21

I did think grooming when I read back scratching but that was because he took his top off. Now that I know it was probably in the 1970's or something, Im not so sure as norms were a bit different then with regard to men and children.
The gymnast thing made him sound unhinged.
It does make me feel uneasy when you explain the other things too.
He may have grromed you but not gone futher than that. For example i was thinking how many times i have had a blazing row with my ex, tried to tell my best friend and just couldnt really remember who said what or in what order, just remembered the emotion of it really. If you were having a tantrum, it could be just a few moments of memory you lost while you were enraged. Sorry, don't know if this is any help or how to advise further.
I think if he were no longer alive Id be tempted to leave the can or worms alone, if he's alive and still working/being alone with children, then maybe Id pursue. How strong are you feeling to be able to deal with this? Do you have some family support?

loopylou6 · 04/04/2011 12:21

Where you fully clothed when you woke up on him? Do you think he abused you and your mind has learned to block it out? Do you think he could of hit you in a temper and knocked you out hence you not remembering? Why do you think your mother suspected he was grooming you?

thirtysomething · 04/04/2011 12:37

loopy I think the OP is talking about dissociation. If she was abused at that age by someone she trusted then she may well have dissociated from those memories as they would have been too difficult to deal with. It happens a lot with childhood abuse.

OP I think it may be good to speak to a counsellor about this. Speaking from personal experience of dissociation I think it's the small details that wil give you a clue as to what's happened if you see what I mean. If you can remember very clear details about before and after that would give you something to work with.

Be warned however - you will probably never recover the memories and going looking for them is dangerous emotionally. I suspect you are ready to deal with this stuff now as you are asking the questions, but it's not a path you should choose lightly as you may feel worse fora while.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 04/04/2011 12:43

Sweetgilly. What planet are you from? You are a nasty person.

Parmallama · 04/04/2011 12:45

Course I've had an itchy back!

Just giving my two penn'orth about a middle aged man taking his top off and asking a 7 year old to scratch his back (on several occasions).

I stand by what I said earlier...it doesn't sound right. It does seem inappropriate (not just that comment either).

Original poster

littlepigshavebigears · 04/04/2011 12:54

Is is probably nothing. I will jam the lid back down and get on with my life.

Thanks for comments.

OP posts:

Thingumy · 04/04/2011 12:55

Does he still have anything to do with children OP?

I'm afraid I wouldn't be jamming the lid on if he was.

Original poster

littlepigshavebigears · 04/04/2011 12:56

I don't know. My mother finally broke contact with him after the latest of his "clubs" was shut down. I have no idea where he is. He may be dead.

OP posts:

cauliflowersfluffy · 04/04/2011 17:21

OP I thought you said he is trying to adopt a child so your last comment doesn't sound quite right but brought something back to me from my childhood that I may or may not have blocked out and have been asked several times to go through hypnosis to try and remember but I decided if anything did happen I don't want to remember it

lesley33 · 04/04/2011 17:51

With memories of my childhood I remember bits and pieces of events, but forget a lot of the times in between. So the fact that you can't remember probably means nothing much happened.

However I do think children remember things they can't make sense of at the the time. I know I don't know, but my guess would be that at one level you knew that you lying on his tummy wasn't quite right, but you didn't know why. Looking back you think this was an attempt to groom you.

So my guess would be that nothing sexual happened, but that you were being groomed - but realised as a child that something was a bit off.

Nailitorelse · 04/04/2011 18:01

Sounds, at best, a little odd.
Think how you would feel if you did nothing and you later found out that a child suffered harm.
Alternatively, think how you would feel if you told someone and there turned out not to be a problem and noone had got hurt.
I know which I'd prefer .... better to be safe than sorry.
Personally, I'd go and have a quiet chat with the police or local social services.

stoppinchingthedummy · 04/04/2011 19:05

Oh op first i want to offer u a hug ..second please dont jam these feeling away ..talk to someone at least find out where he is etc and find out if he has any contact with children etc ..i think bottling these feelings up will cause you unnecessary upset in the future and perhaps you might be able to get some closure on it ...At the very least stop him having any contact with children ever again!

princessparty · 04/04/2011 19:18

Scratching back thing - a bit gross maybe but not particularly worrying.The temper thing more so.Re the remote thing it sounds like you may have lost conciousness for a while -do you think he could have hit you hard on your head? the gymnastics thing too is out of order but i have come across this sort of thing a lot in my own experience with gymnastics when I was a child.My little girl (now 6) has been competeing in gymnastics for about a year and her coach can be really quite rough manhandling her when she is pissed off with DD because she isn't concentrating.it only happens occasionally and she is a fantastic coach most of the tiime and DD adores her.

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