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Original poster

To feel so upset about teen son saying he hates me?

58 replies

MooMooFarm · 04/04/2011 10:41

Already posted in parenting but had no replies Sad.

I know I'm probably over-reacting but am really upset about the way DS1 acted yesterday, particularly as it was Mothers Day.

DH had already told me he had to practically drag DS to the shops to get me a present, which I had unceremoniously slung at me yesterday morning with a grunt.

Then last night we were sitting watching tv and something came on with a girl in who DS likes. I made a jokey remark about her, and DS turns to me and says 'I hate you - happy mothers day' - with a snidey look on his face. He walked out and went to his room. We had some guests round, so we made light of it and I made a joke about his hormones. But later when they'd gone I got a bit upset about it, and DH went to talk to him. They ended up having a row, basically because DS refused to apologise.

I know it probably is hormones, but I feel so miserable today. Am I too soft that he feels able to talk to me like this? He does have mood swings and talks to us like we're shit sometimes, but most of the time he is ok and actually quite friendly and chatty. Should we start coming down harder on him? He lives such a cushey life with us and is expected to do very little apart from what he wants most of the time. It just felt like such a horrible thing to say, I feel a bit sick.

OP posts:
marmaladetwatkins · 04/04/2011 11:04

You've answered your own question. He sounds like a spoiled little brat and he needs to grow the fuck up and treat his parents with some respect.

Sorry he ruined the day for you.

helendigestives · 04/04/2011 11:06

He was just reacting because he probably felt embarrassed about what you'd said, and in front of guests too. If my Mum had made some kind of reference to anyone I fancied I would have felt it was an attempt to humiliate me in front of the guests and I probably would have stormed off too. He doesn't hate you: he's just angry and lashing out.

I remember once shouting at my Dad and flouncing upstairs (in genuine upset) because he'd made fun of a dream I'd had. Blush Ye gods, I would never be a teenager again if you paid me a million pounds.

Instead of doing everything through your DH (buying the present, having words, etc.) why don't you go and talk to him about yesterday, explain how much it hurt you, etc.

squeakytoy · 04/04/2011 11:06

Echoes what Marmalade said.

Dont do any of his washing this week, and let him sort out his own meals. See how he likes that. :)

FabbyChic · 04/04/2011 11:07

He felt you were taking the piss out of him when you mentioned the girl on the TV. I really don't think he meant what he said, but you embarassed him, that is no excuse but he is just a teen.

louloudia · 04/04/2011 11:08

what helen said

marmaladetwatkins · 04/04/2011 11:08

I wouldn't take too much notice of the "I hate you" thing. It's a standard teen response. I would be far more concerned about his apparent disrespect for you both at all of the other times.

louloudia · 04/04/2011 11:12

just as an aside my son gave me a Mothers Day card yesterday

it had a pic of two little sweet kids on the front, and underneath said

ah we were so sweet and innocent as kids
Our poor mother had no idea of the pair of shites we would grow up into

I had to laugh, bless him

grafenstolz · 04/04/2011 11:14

Read some books about bringing up teenagers. They make life a lot easier. I agree with Helen's post above. MN's section on Teenagers is pretty good - where they had some expert in for a webchat - linked from Home page I think. I think you should try to understand his feelings, not think of him as a little shit.

bubblecoral · 04/04/2011 11:14

You embarrased him, which probably hurt coming from his own Mum, and in front of other people, so he wanted to hurt and embarrass you back. You have the knowledge and maturity to be able to deal with it, he doesn't, and he also has raging hormones working against him.

If he is generally a nice person, he will come out the other side of teenagerdom and will have everything you taught him about how to behave as a child to fall back on.

He knows you love him, and unfortunately our children know that because we love them so much, the one thing they can say to really hurt is is that they hate us. They don't have much control over things when they are teenagers, certainly not as much control as they would like, so this is something easy that they can use against us. He doesn't really hate you you know! Smile

YANBU to feel hurt, but YABU to think that it's ok to say something that will make your ds feel bad and expecting him not to retaliate.

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 04/04/2011 11:17

'I hate you' is a standard teen thing, but if I'm ever really upset by how they've behaved, DH has a, 'Your behaviour is out of line and you've really upset Puffin' talk. And I do the same for him.

dewdrop68 · 04/04/2011 11:17

Sounds as though we had very similar days yesterday. DS2 felt that giving me a present was enough - I tried to tell him that I'd rather have him make me a cup of tea and speak nicely to me for the day. He couldn't manage being nice - called me an idiot and shouted and was out of control when I asked him to go to bed instead of watching an episode from a DVD. Doesn't sound bad, but it was. My mum was present and she was horrified - I told her he was often unreasonable like this. Felt really down.
Sorry for rant. I take things off him - ipod/phone etc. It works for the time he doesn't have them as he's being nice to get them back again. I think I need a new tactic - rewarding when good. I'm on a mission as the house is like a battle zone. He went to bed refusing to apologise.
Yes, I think you need to come down harder on him,and so do I.
This is my first post - joined this morning as at the end of my tether. My son also has a very cushy life,although he would argue otherwise.

Original poster
MooMooFarm · 04/04/2011 11:22

All I said was 'your girlfriend's on telly!'. Is that really taking the piss?

Grafen I don't think of him as 'a little shit', I said he sometimes talks to us like we're shit.

I do know that he doesn't mean it, and probably didn't think about how much it would upset me. I suppose what I'm wondering really is - do all teenagers treat their parents with lack of respect sometimes? He's fine probably about 70% of the time at the moment. But when the mood swings hit and he has a wobbly, surely not treating us with respect is part of the wobbly isn't it? How do other teens throw a strop but still act respectfully? Is that possible?

We're not 'strict' parents, but we do have rules, such as certain bedtimes, limited video game time, and homework to always be done before anything else. He sticks to those rules, but just lately has got v moody on and off which sometimes leads to a big argument if he pushes it too far. Please someone tell me this all sounds normal! I don't feel that we're pushovers.

OP posts:
diddl · 04/04/2011 11:26

I think it was bloody horrible of you to embarrass him in front of guests tbh.

Perhaps instead of him being "dragged around the shops" he could have made a card or breakfast in bed.

I´d rather have nothing than something that wasn´t given willingly.

helendigestives · 04/04/2011 11:27

MooMooFarm - good gods, yes! That's a horribly embarrassing thing to say to a teen, and it is taking the piss. You hurt him, he hurt you.

Original poster
MooMooFarm · 04/04/2011 11:29

And btw there is no issue with DH dealing with him and me not doing so. It just happened that after the guests had gone last night I had some stuff to get done before going into work today - so DH spoke to him. And obviously he was sorting out the present for mothers day.

OP posts:
Original poster
MooMooFarm · 04/04/2011 11:31

I honestly wouldn't think of that as taking the piss! I'm genuinely surprised! We say that all the time - it's a bit of a standing joke, and DS sometimes refers to her as his 'virtual GF' too Confused

OP posts:
Onetoomanycornettos · 04/04/2011 11:34

Why don't you go and talk with him? Say, 'did I embarrass you yesterday, if so, I'm sorry' and then tell him how you felt when he said he hated you in front of your guests. Sometimes teasing can backfire with children (even my seven year old can sometimes react to stuff she normally enjoys) and it sounds like this is what happened here.

I wouldn't make it into a big discipline issue, but a frank chat will probably sort it out anyway.

Bonkerz · 04/04/2011 11:34

I remember my mum telling me once that as a parent you can only say you have done a good job when your child in their teens says they hate you! I never really understood it TBH but i think she was right.
Looking back i now know i said i hated my mum when she was stopping me doing something or telling me something i didnt want to know BUT i now know it was all for a reason!

higgle · 04/04/2011 11:35

Not normal behaviour with either of our sons (now 19 & 16) I'm not quite sure why they are/have been so obliging but have had very firm boundaries from early childhood re respect etc. I also speak to them quite a lot about feelings and not hurting other people, which seems to work. DH and I also always support each other at times of minor ructions, which I think is very important.

FabbyChic · 04/04/2011 11:35

You embarassed him in front of other people.

bubblecoral · 04/04/2011 11:36

Maybe it was just because there were other people there that he reacted to that comment more than he would ususally have done.

It is taking the piss, but sometimes he is ok with it and sometimes he isn't.

As a Mother to a teenager you are expected to be a mindreader don't you know! Wink

Original poster
MooMooFarm · 04/04/2011 11:39

That's the thing higgle. I would say we've always had fairly firm boundaries - particularly when I see how other teens his age act sometimes. And DH and I have always shown a united front.

It just seems lately like sometimes DS is so wound up, he'll do something to create an argument just so he can explode Sad. When he's like that, nothing seems to work.

OP posts:
grafenstolz · 04/04/2011 11:42

The girlfriend issue might have become a significant one at school. Boys can be teased a lot about that - girlfriends, virginity, etc. If you can get him to talk about what's eating him, it would be good. He might be being bullied, either cyber bullying or in RL.

Original poster
MooMooFarm · 04/04/2011 11:46

I think hormones are eating him at the moment - honestly. I think they've hit hard and everytime a good looking girl comes on tv he goes bright red and sometimes has to leave the room because he's clearly v embarrassed about it all. Maybe I do need to drop the 'GF' thing.

OP posts:
TotemPole · 04/04/2011 11:47

All I said was 'your girlfriend's on telly!'. Is that really taking the piss?

Yes it is. He probably reacted because you said it in front of other people.