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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel so upset about teen son saying he hates me?

58 replies

MooMooFarm · 04/04/2011 10:41

Already posted in parenting but had no replies Sad.

I know I'm probably over-reacting but am really upset about the way DS1 acted yesterday, particularly as it was Mothers Day.

DH had already told me he had to practically drag DS to the shops to get me a present, which I had unceremoniously slung at me yesterday morning with a grunt.

Then last night we were sitting watching tv and something came on with a girl in who DS likes. I made a jokey remark about her, and DS turns to me and says 'I hate you - happy mothers day' - with a snidey look on his face. He walked out and went to his room. We had some guests round, so we made light of it and I made a joke about his hormones. But later when they'd gone I got a bit upset about it, and DH went to talk to him. They ended up having a row, basically because DS refused to apologise.

I know it probably is hormones, but I feel so miserable today. Am I too soft that he feels able to talk to me like this? He does have mood swings and talks to us like we're shit sometimes, but most of the time he is ok and actually quite friendly and chatty. Should we start coming down harder on him? He lives such a cushey life with us and is expected to do very little apart from what he wants most of the time. It just felt like such a horrible thing to say, I feel a bit sick.

OP posts:
bumblingbovine · 04/04/2011 11:52

I don't think this behaviour is OK at all really but you can't know why he is behaving like this unless you ask him.

Pick a time when he is calm and being friendly and may be ask in a non confrontational way. Something like "I've noticed that sometimes you get really angry with me over things I say to you, can you tell me what that is about?" If he says that;s not true maybe remind him of a specific occasion but you really need to use non confrontational language.

Then you need to listen to him, and I mean really listen, although being a teenage boy you may need to prompt him a bit and ask him for clarification. Once you have his view of the situation you can put your view to him.

You can explain how you feel hurt and how other people see his behaviour and make jusgments about him etc. list all your concerns

Then ask him if he has any ideas about how you both can solve the problem. Between you, you must be able to come up with some ideas about how to stop this behaviour. If he is engaged in the process the ideas are more likely to succeed

mayorquimby · 04/04/2011 12:49

In fairness you took the piss out of him in front of guests. Teenagers will lash out if they feel embarressed.
How did the argument with your dh go? was it along the lines of..
dh:apologise to your mother.
teen:well what about my apology, she's the one who started by making fun of me.
dh: No she didn't your over-reacting, now apologise
teen: if she's not apologising then I'm not

In which case I'd say he had a point.

mayorquimby · 04/04/2011 12:50

sorry that's not to say he's right in how he reacter, but he's not the only one in the wrong here.

QuintessentialShadows · 04/04/2011 12:52

Was that your thread yesterday Moo? Sad I think I was the last person to post on it.

He was behaving really shitty yesterday, and yes, I do think you need to expect more from him.

GloriaSmut · 04/04/2011 13:01

Having somehow managed to survive the (well nigh singlehanded) bringing up of two adolescent sons who are now delightful chaps in their late 20s, can I just offer the following things from my experience?

  1. Never underestimate their power to be embarassed (especially when in the company of other adults).
  1. Never underestimate the initial ferocity of their response if you do embarrass them. Embarrassment makes them want to curl up and die and, at the time they will truly hate you. Even though they love you.
  1. Be prepared to dislike them on occasions. I did once tell my then 14 year old ds1 that he was turning into a "highly disagreeable young man". Which probably wasn't the most productive observation but it did hit home far better than shouting or ridiculously unrealistic severe sanctions.
  1. Most teenagers need to rebel against something. DS2 used to moan on about being the child of what he charmingly described as "an ancient old hippy" because he wanted me to forbid him to come home with his hair dyed red.
  1. Pick your battles. I was always intolerant of disrespect, bad manners and boys who thought they didn't need to help around the house but very tolerant about appearance and their weekend social life.
  1. Set some agreed rules. Teenagers are actually unsettled without them.
  1. Don't take them too seriously but don't let them see that you aren't. Otherwise they will hate you again.
diddl · 04/04/2011 13:03

Btw, if this sort of thing happens a lot-or even occasionally with you taking the piss, he probably feels as if you hate him.

Original poster
MooMooFarm · 04/04/2011 13:08

quintessential no I posted this on here this morning - I didn't come on here over the weekend (for a change Grin).

Do you mean there was another similar thread? If so could you point me in the direction of it pls? Would be interested to read similar experiences!

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 04/04/2011 13:09

OP - you humiliated your DS in public and he defended himself and then you asked him to apologise? Shock

Ormirian · 04/04/2011 13:10

One Mother's day when I was about 14 I refused to go and get my mum a little bunch of flowers from the front of the church as I usually did. Why? Because I was teenage, and awkward and very easily embarrassed. I would have died before doing that. Mum reacted very badly, started to cry and all her cronies came over and comforted her and gave me dagger looks Hmm So my embarrassement and guilt and downright unhappiness was made 100x worse.

grafenstolz · 04/04/2011 13:10

If it helps, me and dd had a conversation about how men and boys don't really get the thing about gifts. However much they're told.

Ormirian · 04/04/2011 13:12

And mum got over it and started to be nice to me and she didn't understand why I didn't want to know.

I will never ever ever forget that. And I hope I will use it to mediate all my dealing with my teenagers in the future.

No matter how horrible they may be, remember that they are having it worse. I'd not be a teenager again for anything!

Original poster
MooMooFarm · 04/04/2011 13:13

mayor it was something like

'do you realise how much you upset your mum?'
'grunt'
'what you said was horrible - what have you got to say about it?'
'grunt'
'are you going to say sorry then?'
'grunt'
(carries on that way for a loooooooong time...)

You get the idea.

OP posts:
Original poster
MooMooFarm · 04/04/2011 13:15

Bonsoir it wasn't in public, it was in our sitting room with a couple of relatives. He always calls this girl on tv his GF - we always call him in to let him know 'your GFs on tv!'. He usually grins and sits down to watch with no comment.

I said the same thing yesterday and this was the reaction I got.

OP posts:
strandedpolarbear · 04/04/2011 13:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MooMooFarm · 04/04/2011 13:19

ormirian thanks for sharing! You've reminded me of a whole day spent wandering round the shops behind my mum, sulking & being a right little cow. She had dropped a gentle hint that it was her birthday the next week - but I had spent the last couple of weeks saving my pocket money so I could get Madonna's new album that day Blush.

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 04/04/2011 13:21

here, Moo

Original poster
MooMooFarm · 04/04/2011 13:32

Thanks for the link - made v interesting reading Smile

OP posts:
mayorquimby · 04/04/2011 13:32

"mayor it was something like

'do you realise how much you upset your mum?'
'grunt'
'what you said was horrible - what have you got to say about it?'
'grunt'
'are you going to say sorry then?'
'grunt'
(carries on that way for a loooooooong time...)

You get the idea."
So there was no mention about your comments or how he had been embarressed. It was painted as only him being in the wrong. Once again I don't think his reaction was great, but he feels he'd been humiliated and then an apology has been demanded of him with only references to the things he had done wrong and how it had affected you.
He initially felt humiliated and then probably knows his reaction was childish so he has probably made himself feel more embarressed while stewing in his room. Then your dh wants to go through it again with him and there's no discussion about what has gone on in terms of viewing it from all sides, just about how his poor behaviour, when he will feel as though he was responding to having the piss taken out of him, has negatively affected you and how you deserve an apology.

oldwomaninashoe · 04/04/2011 13:35

Moo,Moo, having had 4 sons, all I can say is forget it, (he didn't mean it) and batten down the hatces you've probably got far worse to come Wink

You will survive, he will survive to probably become an extremely pleasant young man.

Forget it Smile

Original poster
MooMooFarm · 04/04/2011 13:37

Thanks oldwoman - and he is (still) an extremely pleasant young man most of the time so I am 90% sure it will turn out ok. It's just the 10% that worries me. And I really struggle to know how much of it we should put down to hormones and ignore, and how much we should pull him up on.

OP posts:
slipperandpjsmum · 04/04/2011 14:06

OP you really shouldn't have said it!! Teens can give it but they certainly can't take it!!

If he is only worrying you 10% of the time you are doing really well. It will be hormones mainly. Not sure what pull him up on it means but I would have a chat one to one when he wants to talk to you and tell him how hurt you are by what he said.

I have 4 children and 2 of them have said I hate you. I told them how much it hurt and neither of them have ever said it again. Infact they have said how much they regretted it.

There is alot of suggestions on parenting threads about how to regain control/teach them a lesson but all that will do is store up more trouble for the future. It sounds like you have a really good and caring relationship or you would not be worrying about this.

Talk to him, share how you feel and remember the delicate sense of humour of a teen!!

diddl · 04/04/2011 14:12

Why would it upset you so much though-unless you think he means it?

MoonGirl1981 · 04/04/2011 14:32

I went through a phase of hating my mum - because she made fun of me and humiliated me in front of other people.

You need to apologise to him.

Original poster
MooMooFarm · 04/04/2011 14:39

Moongirl I don't blame you if she did, but as I've said, it's something I always say; he always says it too and we usually laugh about it. I wouldn't have said anything to intentionally upset him.

Diddl um it upset me because he's my son and he's never said anything like this before so it is v out of character -?

OP posts:
noddyholder · 04/04/2011 14:41

moomoo my ds is 16 and is being a PITA too. He even admits he had an amazing childhood we are not bad people and all his mates like us! So work that one out Teenagers are a hormonal storm and you just have to ride it out.