to want to tell my dh that although the help he gives is appreciated I would like more

[stdorothymantooth]

We have a ten week old baby and we agreed before he was born we agreed that I would do night feeds during the week as he has to go back to work, and he would help out at weekends so I get a break.
When he wakes to be fed at night I change his nappy while he prepares his feed, then Dh goes back to sleep while I feed and settle the baby (sometimes this can take almost an hour) and ds can sometimes wake three times a night.
At the weekend when he's not napping Dh will keep him entertained so I can cook/do laundry etc.
However I realised last night that I have done EVERY single night feed for about the past eight weeks. Do you think I would be asking a lot to ask him to do some at weekends as I am exhausted. I am so freaking tired I could cry.
Our baby also has colic and to ease this we go for a long walk in the evenings (his pram seems to calm him) so I am also worn out.

Of course you should ask... In fact I'm amazed he hasn't offered. And when he keeps him amused during the day GO TO BED!!!

No, of course you're not BU especially as you seem to have agreed that he'd help before the baby arrived but he's not living up to his end of the deal. I'd also suggest that, while you're doing the night feeds during the week, DH takes the baby for a walk on those nights so you can have a bit of a rest.

What is this 'help' of which you speak? He's not helping you, he's looking after his child. Your baby is not your sole responsibility

Tell him, don't ask. And whoever isn't doing night feeds does the evening pram walking

Or what that should say is Your baby is not your sole responsibility with your husband in some kind of assistant role.

Totally agree with Christine. How on earth can you think him looking after his own baby would be 'asking a lot'?!! Yes, yes, yes he should be doing some of the nights so you can get some sleep.

But DH is getting up in the night as well, to prepare the feed.

It sounds like you're doing a lot in the middle of the night that you don't need to do. Use ready mixed milk so you don't have to prepare anything and leave the bottle next to your bed so it's easy to grab. You don't need to change baby's nappy unless he's done a poo. Doing it this way only takes one person and then you can take it in turns to get up.

Do you dream feed? Give baby a bottle when you go to bed. Babies don't usually wake up for it (DD1 didn't but DD2 does) and it will see him few for a good few hours.

I agree with Plumm to a certain extent

Firstly, yes your DH should be helping out with night feeding if only at weekends. He needs to absolutely start mucking in at weekends and give you a break too - get him to take baby out on his own so you can put your feet up for an hour!

But you can make nights easier on yourself - don't change nappies unless you have to and use pre-mixed formula. There's no need for both of you to be up at night.

i think it would be unfair to ask him to do the night feeds and have to get up and function at work

but maybe he could help out at weekends

i get so angry when i see threads like this.I was married to a man who never helped at night (apart from the first night home with the first)
I think too many men get away with it by sleeping thru and having a paddy when asked to help.Nobody actually loikes to get up in the night but why should one person have to be soley responsible for it.Grrrr
My dd is 8 weeks and my new and improved dh has to be told NOT to do them when he is working,he hates to see me tired.I have no magic solution though,having experienced both ends of the scale i think its just knobishness on their behalf and their lazyness over comes any feelings of right and wrong or concern for their partners.
Sorry not much help,speak to him when both not tired and tell him its too much for you to carry on doing it all,send them both tothe spare room or stay with a friend one night.

He probably doesn't realise you need extra help, because you haven't asked. I've a 6 week old myself and I was going crackers at three weeks! You're very good to last till ten! Men are crap at working out what needs doing, but love clear instructions on how they can help.

Why are you doing the nappy change and the settling when it's your DH's 'turn'? Does he do this when you're doing the night feeds? I doubt it. It doesn't take more than a couple of minutes to change a nappy before feeding. Get the ready mix, or have bottles ready in the fridge before bedtime and leave your husband to settle the child - if he doesn't know how, he just hasn't had the chance to learn yet. And yes, you'll have to sit on your hands and bite your tongue as he does it 'wrong' (ie, not how you'd do it), but let him crack on or you're setting yourself up to be one of those women who never lets the Dad take charge, then moans he never does anything.

So yes, tell him you love him and he's great, but you need more help with the baby and with the housework as you just hadn't realised how demanding looking after a baby would be (ie, all agreements about division of labour made before the baby came are now null and void!)

louloudia I don't expect that just a bit of help at weekends so I can catch up on some sleep.

He should definately do the Friday and Saturday night feeds, and let you lie in on the weekends.

You shouldn't be expecting him to wake up at all if he has to go to work the next day. I can't understand all these people that go on about how he's only looking after his own child. He is also earning money to buy the blimmin formula, Op is on Mat leave, she isn't being amde to do both!

He should let you get at least one nights unbroken sleep at the weekend though, maybe you could suggest to him that you will stop expecting him to prepare the feed in the night if he can let you catch up on some sleep properly at the weekend.

i am with ledkr, i had to make dh go to bed the first few weeks, he wanted to be up at night so i could sleep, and then go to work, i did take the help at weekends, but not to do housework, to sleep, and not once he had to be asked,
as doing it himself, he knew how hard it is and never ever thought it was too much asking, but the support i deserve, get on your dh case pronto... you didn't embark in this alone...

Seems silly for both of you to wake up for night feeds - how about you do the week nights and he does the weekends?

I was breastfeeding so did all the nightfeeds, but NO WAY would I have done cooking/laundry while DP looked after the baby - go to bed and have a nap then!

Don't change the nappy at night unless its dirty. All the faffing just gets them more awake.

And yes not unreasonable to ask him to do his bit at weekends. Another solution is he takes the baby first thing so you can have a lie in. (I get 2 lie ins as a week as I'm breastfeeding)

Yes its important he gets some sleep for his job but you are working hard too when he is at work, commuting, enjoying lunch hour so whenever he is at home baby and household stuff should be shared.

Make sure you speak to him, don't let resentment creep in to your relationship.

Stop doing housework while the baby sleeps/DH is with the baby, and sleep instead. Let things slide around the house, get your H to do more housework, or get a cleaner.

Change a nappy if there's a poo or if you're SURE that's what is bothering your baby. Otherwise don't. Look at it this way, when they start sleeping through the night you won't be changing them in the middle of the night, will you?

If you're up at night (I am, cos I BF) then you get a LONG lie-in at weekends and naps throughout the week when your baby sleeps. Just cos you're home doesn't mean you're the housekeeper, you have a newborn. STOP DOING HOUSEWORK!

I think you're absolutely right to phrase it "you're so wonderful for doing all this, now do it 10 times more" rather than "what the fuck are you thinking letting me get this tired when I'm looking after your child?" but it does need to be said. I'm sure he's a lovely man who's just not sure where he fits in, just yet. Be ready to let him make a few mistakes, don't hover over him and the baby, and praise, praise, praise while you ask for more help, and more, and more.

Agreed with Albrecht: if he gets to go out of the house and talk to adults during the daytime (eg go to work) then he owes you some free time when he's home.

bubblecoral as I have stated I don't expect that, I would just like a little help at weekends

stdorothymantooth, you keep saying that you want "help" at the weekend. The baby is your DP's child too. You're not asking for help, you're asking for him to do his fair share at the weekend. If you don't change your mindset, you are creating a whole heap of problems for yourself later on down the line and you will become a prolific poster on the various issues.

What worked for us was that Sunday to Thursday nights (when dh had to go to work the following day i.e. Monday to Friday) I did the night feeds so dh didn't get up at all. I slept when the baby slept during the day Monday to Friday e.g. I always went for a morning nap.

Friday and Saturday nights, dh got up with the baby and did everything with the exception of the feeding, but only because I was breastfeeding! So he brought her to me and I fed and then he did the winding, resettling, changing of nappy (if needed) etc.

Saturdays and Sundays, you need to share the looking after the baby equally, plus the household chores. We also shared batch cooking (dh good at following simple cooking instructions!), so we lived on lots of casseroles in the evening which only needed reheating during the week. In the morning, dh made me breakfast before he went to work and also made up some sandwiches for me for lunch.

There are ways you can make things easier for yourself if you can afford it. E.g. use the ready mixed milk in the cartons so it doesn't take that long to warm up, or last one to bed puts kettle on so that it is boiled and cooled down for next feed. They're expensive but if you can afford it, then consider the Yoomi bottle and warmers (takes 60 seconds to warm up milk). I also had a cleaner.

The first 3 months are the worst and hopefully there is light at the end of the tunnel for you. This really should be a "team" effort as it's hard enough as it is! Talk to your dp. :)

I suggest the following (and apologies if I am doubling up on what others have said)

Ready made formula, pre sterilised bottle, little pair of scissors. Its worth the extra cost. Then only one of you has to be awake. Dont change nappy unless he's pooed. At 10 weeks if the feed is taking an hour you can consider a faster teat (though I'd be cautious with a colicky baby). Does the formula have prebiotics in it? Some babies react to this and it can maifest itself as "colic". If its Cow & Gate or Aptimil, consider trying SMA Gold but talk to your HV before a change in formula.

Your DP does the evening pram walk while you get a "head start" early night and he can give the baby his final feed and settle him to sleep - if he usually goes 3 hours you could have clocked 6 hours already if you are really tired, that's practically a night's sleep, before he even has his first night feed. This is key to getting through as the "sole feeder during the week" - it doesn't mean less sleep for your DH, in fact more if he's not getting up to prepare feeds - but more effort from him in the evenings. It will aid bonding even if he does groan about it, as he's spending quality one on one time with his child while you sleep.

On the weekend, you get a lie in and "lie through" (no night feeds) one day, he gets one another day. Its crucial you both get one. You will then BOTH catch up on your sleep deficit. This works wonders with things like moods and arguments - there is less resentment, as you are both "equals" on the weekend, you both get a night where you lie through and lie in.

If all that works you will both be getting more sleep, and there may not even be a need to go back to bed and sleep instead of doing housework on the weekend. You can still catch up on housework, or get your DP to do a bit too, take in turns to play with the baby, and things are running much more smoothly.

What TattyDevine said, there are some good tips in there for you both to increase the amount of sleep you are getting. It is madness that you are both getting up for EVERY night feed - you and your DH must both be exhausted.

Some excellent advice already given which covers the things I wanted to say really.

Most odd in the OP that the DH is referred to as "helping" his wife - eh, hello, they are his too?! Does he "help" you wash up when you've both enjoyed a meal? Does he "help you" hang washing out when it's a batch of bathtowls that you've both used? Of course not. You both do tasks in the house together FOR each other, NOT to help 1 person out This is even more important a distinction when it comes to raising kids.

I've seen the final steps down that path of thinking.. in a few years it's normally put alongside phrases like "I only have £X to spend from my wages after i've paid for childcare for them" -

TattyDevine has said what I was going to say. You need to get an early night and let your DH do the late evening feed. If your baby goes 3 hours between feeds you'll both get 6 hours uninterrupted sleep each. Much more bearable.

eg 9pm feed - You do it and then go to bed - DH take baby for walk and settle
12pm feed - Dh does it (mine used to doze on the sofa until this feed)
3pm feed - You do it and settle her back to sleep
6am feed - He does it while you have a shower, get up start the day and then take over so he can get ready for work.

This worked for us and we both felt involved, both had enough sleep and felt sane. Don't faff about with nappies unless necessary and don't worry if the housework slips.

Thank you all for the advice, I will definitely try the pre packed/ready made formula and I know it sounds silly but I didnt really know you didn't have to change his nappy everytime (this is all REALLY new to us and there isn't really anyone we can ask)

It is not 'helping out'. It's doing his fair share of the work involved in bringing up a child he chose to creat with you.

So what novice said I completely agree.

Don't ask, tell.

Stop running around doing housework around him.

I'll get a lot of people saying, 'He works,'.

Yeah, well I worked FT from the time DD1 was 8 weeks (DH was SAHD) and it's not an excuse to do FA wrt bringing up a child or my fair share of the mess I helped make in the house and prepare the food I also ate.

That's life when you chose to have kids.