AIBU to think that exs wife is not my kids stepmum !!!

[bustersgirl]

My ex's wife has spent less than a day with my 4 kids in the last 6 months, yet he still sees her as there loving step mum ( she truely can't be arsed with them ) AIBU to think that just because your married to someone it don't make them a parent ( if you see what i mean ) ?

She is married to their father.

That's what "stepmum" means.

Would you say that just because your brother is your brother it doesn't mean he is their uncle? Yes it does. That is what the word means, even if he has never seen them ever.

What does your ex think about his children calling some other man "dad"???

You seem very bitter and I don't think this woman will ever be able to right for doing wrong in your eyes.

The kids WILL suffer as a result of your attitude. You need to butt out for their sake. Your ex is their dad and when in his care you should not judge how he chooses to look after them as long as they are safe.

"I'm in theory step-mum, but I don't think of it like that at all. DP's DS has a mum. He doesn't need or want another mum!"

The voice of reason!

Is it legal that the kids' dad's wife is called their step-mum? Genuine question. I'd think she was their dad's wife. imo, if the mother is alive, the 'new' wife isn't a stepmum. Just wondering, why do extraneous wives think they have to mother children from a previous marriage - couldn't they just be friendly and kind and caring and butt out on the mum stakes?

I don't think stepmother as a term carries any legal weight.

I don't like how liberally the term is applied. I technically have a SM but she is a very difficult character who tries to obstruct my relationship with my father. This week she once again 'forgot' to tell me that he was in hospital but included my sister in a round robin text to her 'friends' to thank us for our good wishes, when we didn't even know he had gone in! This was major heart surgery, we visited last Friday, but it's not important to tell us even though she promised she would let us know as he can't due to being in ICU. This is only the latest in years of game-playing. At her hen do, I was invited with a friend (at 16) but we could only afford a starter between us and she wouldn't even sub me some money. I was extremely polite to her always and was met with cold indifference, with my father insisting we tell her we loved her while she would say 'that's okay'. She has no sense of family in relation to us and always made herself scarce when we were around. She is NOT any type of mother to me, she is hardly even an acquaintance. YANBU.

YABU because she IS their stepmother by definition:

"a woman who has married one's father after the death or divorce of one's mother"

Unfortunately she's a crap one. But stop getting hung up on the term and actually sort this out. Complaining about the term stepmum is pointless.

I think that you need to sort things out with your ex. It is pointless arguing about the term, whether the mother is still alive or not, whether you like her or not, or the DCs like her or not, have nothing to do with it. She is their stepmother-fact.

I see my stepmother less than that, and I still refer to her as my stepmum (though I call her by her name).

It could be worse, my DS calls my ex's girlfriend "Mummy"! I was upset by this, until I heard him call his childminder Mummy as well - he's 2, he can differentiate that CM is X's mummy, and that ex's gf is Y's mummy, and that neither of them are his mummy but he doesn't get yet that the only one you call Mummy is your own. He just thinks that everyone's mummy is called that.

A stepmum (to me) is someone who has had a roll in a child's upbringing. She clearly has had none. I would always refer to her by first name.

My father's wife is referred to by her first name when I am talking about her to someone who knows who she is. If I'm talking to someone who doesn't know her or her relationship to me then I say my "Stepmother"

She has had no part in our upbringing (but then again neither has my dad!) So it doesn't really bother me what we call her.

My dh has been made to call his stepfather "Dad" since he married his mum when dh was 6. DH's father died before he even started school and in his eyes only his biological father is is "dad". His stepfather knows this and so removed every picture of dh's father from the house the second he moved in. And that was just the start - now there's a lovely stepparent for you!

I think that people are missing the point entirely! Your father can marry a woman that you have no relationship with at all, you don't even have to see her, but the one thing you can't change is the fact she is your stepmother!
What you call her is up to you, but I doubt if anyone says 'good morning step-mother'! (it isn't a title-it is a relationship-like having a cousin-the fact that you don't know her doesn't change the fact that she is a cousin)

Yes exactly, exotic. I would never say "Good morning stepmother!" or write "Happy birthday, stepmum" in a card etc. I just use her name. Stepmum is just a label if I'm talking about her to someone who doesn't know her name.