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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that MIL might have kept her opinions to herself, esp today?

27 replies

ReshapeWhileDamp · 03/04/2011 13:38

So DH rang his mother this morning to wish her Happy Mothering Sunday (we are not allowed to say Happy Mother's Day to her Hmm) and also to firm up, on her prior request, what days we're gping up to hers over Easter. ( dreading it.)

As they were talking, she could hear DS1 (3) talking enthusiastically about his new train, which he got as a reward on his star chart after several weeks of earning stars for coming and sitting down to meals when asked, and not deliberately dropping/crumbling food or otherwise being naughty at mealtimes. (please note: NOT for eating everything on his plate. I don't force him to eat if I can see he's not hungry or really doesn't like it.)

DH explained to MIL about the train and why DS1 had been given it, and she said that she thought we were being extremely mean to DS1, draconian even, with all these rules and stars and so on. Shock We are pretty liberal parents, I think, and only started the good behaviour chart because DS1 has recently started really pushing boundaries and playing up. We're extremely affectionate and cuddly with him, and I can't believe MIL thinks otherwise. Sad

Anyway, she told DH that she thought we were far too strict with DS1 (if only she knew!) and that 'we didn't appreciate how lucky we were with him' (right. we take our fantastic boys utterly for granted. Hmm They make my world go round.) DH told her he wished she'd keep her opinions to herself (this is pretty strong for DH with his mum, he tends to clam up and fume later) and she said she was entitled to her opinion, and that 'we could be better parents, really'. ShockAngry DH hung up on her - first time I've ever seen him do that.

Later, he rang her back (I asked him to, I thought she might be feeling guilty (he said 'Ha! never') about telling him she thought we weren't good parents on Mother's Day, and also, MIL is great at holding onto grudges and I didn't want this to fester). She didn't apologise (she said that my SIL had thought she ought to, which is as close as she got to saying that she might have been in the wrong). I think things are smoothed over, but not by her! DH is upset about the whole thing, and I can't believe she actually told him she thought we weren't doing a good job as parents. The choices we make to give DS1 some boundaries are none of her business and if she thinks we're cruel parents, she must be barking!

And she meant me too, when she said we could be doing a better job, so WTF else does she take exception to, I wonder? I'm co-sleeping with DS2 at the moment and carry him in the sling a lot. I know she doesn't like the sling, she's already said as much. Wonder what else she thinks I'm doing wrong? Sad

AIBU to wish we weren't going there at Easter? SIL's family will be there (MIL loves playing Happy Families but these occasions end up as anything but) and it'll be torturous. Still, DS1 will probably enjoy it.

OP posts:
Pancakeflipper · 03/04/2011 13:40

Don't go at Easter.

BornAgainDomesticGoddess · 03/04/2011 13:45

You sound like fantastic parents and she sounds like a miserable old bag.

Rhinestone · 03/04/2011 13:45

Go but give her one warning the first time she insults your parenting.

The second time - leave.

MillsAndDoom · 03/04/2011 13:48

Pancake BornAgain and Rhinestone have said all the things that I was about to Grin

Northernlurker · 03/04/2011 13:48

Go for as short a time as you can get away with and if she says anything then just say 'Look - that really upsets me. You should know these children are the centre of our world and dh and I take our responsibility very seriously. I will not discuss this anymore' Then walk off.

Original poster
ReshapeWhileDamp · 03/04/2011 13:58

Mmm. I do often fantasise about flouncing out when we go up to stay! This time, it might just happen, because DH is also really upset about her interfering. He reckons she has really rose-tinted ideas about bringing up small children and can't remember what it was really like!

I'm already pretty Hmm about her recently, after she (kindly) looked after DS1 for a morning to free me up with DS2 while we were both ill. DS1 wouldn't eat his lunch with them, and they then bought him a large bag of jelly babies and it looks like he ate half of those instead! Shock If that's what she thinks good parenting is then no wonder she takes exception to us!

Thanks for the support. Smile

OP posts:
surelynotnormal · 03/04/2011 14:04

YANBU.

What you did, with the chart and the train sounds like A1 parenting to me (genuinely). I lose patience with my DD over her refusing to come to the table and if it carries on and happens very frequently I would try to do it exactly what you did, instead of losing my temper.

She's been a right cow. Glad your SIL stood up for you though Smile

deemented · 03/04/2011 14:04

I find a good

'Fuck the fuck off, and when you get there, fuck off some more'

very helpful in MIL situations.

Wink
Original poster
ReshapeWhileDamp · 03/04/2011 14:08

Oh, I say that to her in my head all the time, Dee! Grin So satisfying.

surelynot, I am far from being an A1 parent, believe me. The star thing was as much to remind me not to lose my rag at DS1 as to encourage him to be good. Blush

OP posts:
d0gFace · 03/04/2011 14:13

The chart sounds like a great idea. YANBU

Reallyneedajob · 03/04/2011 14:17

The fact that she thinks you are 'lucky' to have such a nice child I would take as a compliment that you are bringing him up well, even if that's not quite what she meant. I hope that if/when I have kids people do think I'm a strict mother. When my brother and I were about 6 and 4 my grandmother admitted to my mum (her DIL) that she had always thought my mum was much too strict with us, but now she could see that we could be taken anywhere and we would know how to behave. I think you do have to be strict in the early years (while also loving and kind of course) so wouldn't care if someone told me I was too strict.

Original poster
ReshapeWhileDamp · 03/04/2011 14:23

We're not strict, though! We have this one chart for good behaviour at mealtimes (which as you say, will hopefully help DS1 become easier to take out for meals and be better in public) and occasionally I take him to sit on the stairs for time out, if he's got a bit hysterical or he's just crayoned all over the wall. He gets a minute or two there, and a quick chat about why it was a naughty thing to do, and then a big cuddle. MIL doesn't even know about the step, so I don't know what has informed her opinion. Aside from the fact that she knows best, of course.

OP posts:
Tanith · 03/04/2011 14:33

Try to ignore it. I've got a MIL like that. I am, according to her, a lazy slut, evil, neglectful, a wicked mother, a bitch. Sometimes DH comes in for it, too, and she says our house is evil and we're evil parents.
Never to my face, you understand - always to DH or SIL.

It's shocking language that I would never have associated with her. I just assume she's losing her marbles and try to ignore it Grin.
The only time I have ever had words was the one time I actually heard her say it all. She ruined DS's 9th birthday tea with a similar outburst and added that DS was clinically depressed and disturbed. He heard it all and, yes he was bloody disturbed afterwards!

Losing her marbles or not, it took me a while to forgive her that one Angry

TheHeathenOfSuburbia · 03/04/2011 15:05

Sounds like MIL needs a sticker chart herself.

A star for every positive comment on your family, maybe? Grin

MorticiaAddams · 03/04/2011 15:10

YANBU.

How on earth is giving your ds a treat for good behaviour being mean to him?

RunAwayWife · 03/04/2011 15:33

She is entitled to her view however she should keep it to herself.

don't go at Easter if it is going to be stressful

activate · 03/04/2011 15:36

laugh at her

say yes dear

ignore and move on

edam · 03/04/2011 15:37

You should give yourselves a couple of stars for handling her with such aplomb (and charity). And winning a grudging admission that she was in the wrong, even if she couldn't bring herself to use those words.

edam · 03/04/2011 15:38

I used to get upset when my mother criticized the way I look after ds (or dh does), btw. Now I've wised up and just let it go. Smile and nod to her and then ignore it!

Katisha · 03/04/2011 16:03

We have to make sure we call it MOTHERING SUNDAY to MIL as well. Managed to find a card with correct wording, handed over several hours ago. Hasn't seen fit to open it though.

Dozer · 03/04/2011 16:10

Yanbu, but yabu about the mother's day thing, doesn't matter what day it is, she shouldn't say that stuff anyway.

Ywbu not to go at easter, that would seem passive-aggressive.

Think your DH needs to hAve a word with her before anything blows up. How about "you seem to think X,Y,Z (e.g star charts wrong, sling not good idea etc). We have decided to do Y. You may not agree with our decisions or style of parenting, but please respect it / we'd rather you didn't make comments like that". Then repeat like a broken record as necessary and don't get engaged in justifying yourselves.

lalabaloo · 03/04/2011 17:04

Deemented That phrase is going to be in my head every time I have to endure my mother in law from now on, thanks very much for that, it might actually save my sanity!

zipzap · 03/04/2011 21:38

Point out that at least you don't have to resort to bribery and buying affection with the immediate dispensation of tons of jelly babies whenever there's a normal toddler wobbly happening... Grin

aurynne · 03/04/2011 22:43

What exactly is that shit about "Mothering Sunday"???

buttonmooncup · 03/04/2011 23:47

I think with someone like this they're not going to change. I'd just make sure I didn't hold back if I thought certain things about the way she brought up your DH were a bit shit.