Thanks for replies, some very helpful! Think i probably should've said in original post that i had already mentioned to exdh when saying about dad being buried, that we all felt as a family that the children at their age and being hugely close to their grandpa would find cremation and burning his body quite grusome and hard to comprehend. Some may disagree, but that is just personal choice. Plus, when i asked my mum exactly what ds had said, his exact words were that "daddy says they(but not sure who) made a huge fire, threw the coffin in, and it burnt till there was nothing left." "And, no daddy didn't say anything else". Full stop, no more detail, it is THAT that i object to, and yes it would be a miracle for him to even stop to think that he could've gone about discussing it with him in a darn sight better way than that. And as one post suggested, virtually impossible for exdh to work together with me, ever, to discuss difficult issues, and to make sure we're telling ds the same with no contradicting etc.
I have pushed for 6 years now to try and get him to communicate more with regards to ds, it is impossible.
TBH exdh could've said that his dad was at a garden of remembrance where you take flowers, and ds would have fully accepted that. He would not have started asking to go etc as he he knows exdh's family lived hundreds of miles away, and exdh in fact had very liitle to do with his father, and never, ever talks about him. He also has very little contact with any of his family, because guess what HE CANNOT COMMUNICATE WITH THEM!!
Ds has several times happily taken flowers to my grandma's ashes plot in the last few years and i've never had to turnround and say well gran's coffin was thrown into a fire and burnt!! He's been perfectlty accepting of the fact that that is just where she is. I totally agree that you have to explain cremation if i childs family member dies and they are then being cremated, and child may go etc, but this is not the case. I just feel that exdh is not here to see how hard ds is finding things at the moment,(despite my best efforts to keep him filled in on how ds is) and has enough to come to terms with without him having more distressing things piled on. Especially when to be blunt he is crap at explaining things in an age-appropriate manner.
On the subject of me treating ds like a 2 year old, horses4courses, you couldn't be further off the mark, which sholud have been obvious really in view of the fact that ds has been fully involved in the funeral, burial, visiting grave etc; many people thought he was too young to go to funeral but i thought it was best he went!
It is difficult to pinpoint how exdh treats him like a 10/11 yr old, could be here all night,-just in the way, even from 4/5 years of age, goes into such detail, and uses complex words etc, expects him to understand things that is just not age appropraite, ds sat with puzzled look on face, iyswim. Exdh wanted him to have his own mobile phone at 4yrs old!!??
He ignored ds for one and a half years, from ds being 2 till nearly 4, and even when i pushed to re establish contact for ds's benefit, he still consistently let him down over contact arrangements. Ds stays over now, so as well as dealing with gramps, dads remarraige, he is also finding it hard that daddy lives with his other 3 yr old son, and not him. So i would like to thank those of you who have picked up on how frustrating it is trying my best to help ds cop as best i can, with an ex who makes things difficult every step of the way.
Lastly, princessparty mentioned taking ds to camp with prescription; to cut a long story short ds should have gone on trip on the friday night, came home from school drowsy, temp thru the roof. Contacted exdh asap, said to let him know how he is later, and somehow we'd get him down on trip over the weekend, even if we had to meet half way(it was a good 2.5 hr drive to campsite for me). Spent all day in casualty with ds going worse after barely sleeping friday night, kept exdh informed, diagnosed with bad urine infection. Got prescription, eventually temp down by sat night, got text from dh said he was no longer wiiling to meet that night or sunday morning, if I wanted him to go, i would have to drive all the way for 2.5 hrs, turn round and drive all way back. Basically girlfriend had stamped her feet, said she wasn't letting him meet. Didn't phone to speak to ds at any point over weekend.
And just to add insult to injury, since then he has been on holiday 10 times in 9 months, ONE of which, a night in skegness) he arranged in the school holidays, that is how considerate he is with ds.
Thanks again for your help x