To feel unhappy with my life?

[mmebovarycestmoi]

I feel stupid writing this, but I'll give it a try (obviously namechanged for that). The point is that I feel unhappy with my day to day life. I feel I'm drowning in housework and that I can't cope with the house, 11mo DS and part time work (from home). I've read some great organization tips in here, but the point is that putting them in practice would mean doing everything the same way everyday, and that would kill me! Yes, I'm exhausted, I'm frustrated because the house is always a mess, because I can't work as well/as much as I would like, because I don't sleep well - at the end of the day I'm always frustrated (at least I feel I'm doing a good enough job with DS - he's very happy and healthy, I think). DH helps, he does some housework, but he definitely doesn't understand how I feel.

And the point is that I feel a bit pathetic, as I have no reason to feel unhappy. Like a cheap Mme Bovary. I have a perfectly good life (albeit a bit tiring) and I keep yearning for more. I have always had trouble to deal with routine. Always needed some big thing to keep my mind focused: new job, moving house, trying to conceive, having a baby. I have to be looking forward to something, or to have a problem to solve.

I was told to take a few hours a week and do something that I like, but it never works. I can't even manage the things I have to do, so I keep postponing taking a few hours to go to the cinema by myself or something like that. (my sister is living with us for a few months, so I could do that on a mid-week afternoon, but I rarely do, as I think I should use the childcare hours for something "productive" as work or cooking). DH doesn't like to spend time with DS by himself, so he always tries to bring up reasons and makes difficulties if I want to do something on the weekend (also, he does the cleaning every weekend, so he uses that as a reason as well). Re DH, I'm resenting the fact that he has a life with adults and I don't. DS sleeps badly and doesn't settle with him, so I can't ever leave at night. On the weekend there is the cleaning issue, so he doesn't want to lose 3 hours cleaning on a Sunday and then spending other 3 hours with DS so I can go out. Right now he is in the cinema with a couple of friends while I'm at home (running to attend DS every 15 minutes as he's poorly and can't sleep for longer than that due to blocked nose)

I feel my life is boring and mundane, but I also feel it's an unfair thing to think. I'm lucky (have a nice house, a husband who helps me, a great family, a career that is not horrible, etc etc etc) and lots of people have lives that are really difficult. I don't know exactly what I want. I know IABU but maybe I could get some helpful ideas?

i think your answer is in your post 're DH, i'm resenting the fact that he has a life with adults and i don't'. You need some time to be you, to be by yourself, or with friends, whatever you like to do. (hug). is that possible? what do you like to do?

It's not fair of him to go out and leave you with a sick child. You're supposed to be a team.

No bloody wonder you feel bored and trapped - your child's father isn't being a father! He can't look after the kid on his own? Jesus, what a loser.

I know how you feel, i think we can all feel a bit like that sometimes. Wondering if this is it, if this is 'as good as it gets'

Well, it might be. Sounds like you need some adult company, friends round to have a chat. A bit of time to yourself will help too. Have you tried exercising? It's a great mood enhancer

It's not fair he leaves you at home while he goes to the cinema while your DS is poorly. . And shock at this 'then spending other 3 hours with DS so I can go out' too? Seriously??????

I left DS1 and DS2 today with DH for a couple of hours so I could do a local nearly new sale? Didn't make that much but it was nice to sit and chat with some mummies without the kids.

And I don't buy your DS not settling with your DH. My DS2 is very clingy to me and wakes up at night calling for 'mummy, mummy'. He quietens down if I go but cries even louder if DH goes so by default, I do go and settle him most of the time but I was out babysitting for my friend last night and DS2 cried for me, DH went up and he continued crying for me but stopped after 10 minutes when he realised I wasn't there... You have to just do it, it's hard though. Otherwise you will just end up resenting your DH more!

It's mother's day tomorrow. Can you leave DS with your DH for a few hours and just go out and do something for yourself??????!!!!

I was a bit madame Bovaryish when my kids were young. You need to get out of the house with no children and do something with adults.

YANBU

How you feel is how you feel, not doing something to change that would be unreasonable.

I know you feel your dh is helping you but why is he unprepared to take sole care of your ds ? That may be understandable for a weeks old bf baby but for an 11mo is tbh a bit shocking.

In addition why on earth has he gone out with friends to the cinema leaing you at home on your own to deal with the difficult stuff? If it's a one off then fair enough but if he gets away regularly and you don't he is not being fair and accepting his job as an equal parent.

I think you DO need to use the time yo can grab for yourself mid week to do stuff for yourself, and excerise class or even just going for a swimm can help lift your mood. It is a hard slog especially when they are young and everyuone has got over the new baby thing and you're left to get on with things, but if you are feeling truely down you really need to speak to a hcp as pnd can strike for a significant perriod after birth.

Be firmer with your dh and his care of your son ( tell yourself it will hep them bond if you have too much guilt (it's true)).

I felt a bit like you with the housework not long ago. It all gets on top of you doesn't it? We have kids aged 4, 2 and 1 so tere's ALWAYS lots to be done in the house and keeping on top of it can be a nightmare.

Thankfully, i started nesting two weeks ago (I'm 37 weeks pregnant) and the cleaning bug kicked in. I spent all of that first Sunday doing everything that needed done and it felt amazing once it was finished.

Since ten, I've kept on top of it by doin things right away when they need done so it desn't pile up (Piling up can happen sooo fast in our house and before you notice your snowed in it again)

I bought colour catcher sheets for the washing and switched to washing at 20 degrees so that when any clothes of any colour need washed I just throw tem in te machine and wash it when it's ful instead of having seperate colour piles building up.

I do the dishes right away (Even cups for tea or knives used to butter toast) to save massive piles of dishees creeping on me and it's the same with general housework. Gerring everyone else to chip in with it and clean up after themselves has helped too

I should say again that this has only started beacuse I'm nesting but everyone in the house is happier for it being tidy. No more constant looking for things!

With regard to your not having adult time, your DH is being VERY unreasonable. Why does he get to go out and you don't? Point out to him taht you'd be in less of a rut if you could escape normality every now and ten the way he feels so free to.

Dear Emma( may I call you that ?) Why are you worrying about cleaning when you have a small baby.Sod the housework.Tell your DH. that he's a very nasty, unsupportive man and a bad daddy.Please also speak to your G.P. as I think that you may be depressed.Sorry not to have any other advice but keep posting, there's always someone here. Mx

You seem to indicate your life is fairly comfortable? Is a cleaner an option? We had a cleaner once a week for a while and it helped a lot in keeping on top of things. When I went back to work PT, I couldn't justify it and kept her on once a fortnight and it still helps to have someone come and do a once-over clean once fortnight...

You say that your DH doesn't like to spend time with DS. How do you know this? Has your DH said so?

Thanks for the sympathy, I think I needed that.

DH is part of the problem, but not all, definitely. He stays with DS, but makes a bit of a big deal of that (stays with DS at home, but doesn't want to go out with him, this sort of thing). He may stay with DS for a few hours, but staying with DS AND cleaning the house in the same day, I think he won't accept.

I know I have to be firm to DH and all that, but he can be annoying and slow and in the end I just cave in and don't insist. Truth is, I think he has very little patience with DS and it doesn't make me more confident... And the cinema with friends is a one off, he had bought the tickets long ago.

BTW, I've seen the GP, and the point is that I don't feel that low everyday, and we were not sure I should go back to AD while breastfeeding DS (most days I think the risks of ADs outweight the benefits, but then on the bad days, well, it's bad). (stopping BFing because of that is not an option).

I could have written this post when my dd was about this age. Instead I went to my (wonderful) HV and blurted it all out.

her advice was:

1. Get a cleaner
2. pass baby off to a relative for one night per month (if possible) OR get a babysitter, preferably one who will agree to stay over and get up with child in the morning once per month.

if this isnt working in 3 months time, or you feel worse, go and see doctor for some tablets.

3 years down the line and I can honstly say it was the BEST advice I have ever been given.

the overnights with grandparents probably only happened for 4/6 months-ish. We still have our cleaner though!

oh, and dd slept MUCH better for grandparents than she ever did for us, besides grandparents ddnt mind one night of sleeplessness every month if it helped DH and I.

Maras, you can call me Emma :) I try to ignore the housework, but then it bothers me to face the mess all day (it was easier when I worked full time, as I spent less time at home). I've lowered my standards quite a bit, though.

We are not that comfortable, as we're living in one salary (and the pittance I make). We can pay a cleaner if it is an absolute priority - I'm starting to think it is, but it is a difficult case, as DH is the one doing the cleaning on the weekend, IYSWIM.

Dear OP, we have all felt that way, one time or another! Just so you know, it does get quite a lot easier once they get a little bigger. You will get a breather until they join lots of hobbies, and then the juggle starts up again!

I also recommend a cleaner. I have cleaner every two weeks. That gets house good and clean then I just have to stay on-top of it in-between. But will admit to letting it go during week 1 and spending several hours in the 2 days prior to cleaners coming to getting it tidy so they can concentrate on the cleaning... But it makes such a difference.

Is there anyway you could get out for a run - I know this sounds stupid but I felt like this (more self induced guilt than DH) so entered a triathlon. Id never done anything like it before but as Id paid to enter (and DH said Id never manage it) I started running and (cant believe Im saying it) Im addicted. I completed the triathlon and have had my 4th baby since but have just started running again. The endorphins really cheer me up and I dont feel guilty about this 'me' time as it keeps me fit, cheers me up and clears my head.
Does you DH have any friends with DC'S I ifn dDH is much happier if he can meet with another dad and cope with the kids together.

Hope it gets better x

I am ashamed to say that I left DS1 with DH for a whole day by himself when he was almost 1!!!!!!!!!! So I do know where you are coming from. The thing is though the more time your DH spends with DS, the more he will get to know him and the better he will get at looking after him. It's a vicious cycle you are in! Do you have any other help? Family/friends nearby?

Please see your G.P. again.At 11 months your baby will survive without BF'g. However you may need AD's. So please do not even consider what Mme. Bovary did. Mx

I meant to say I was ashamed in that I had very little confidence in leaving DS1 with DH till he was almost 1 (PFB!). You have to do it, otherwise you are doing their relationship no favours either...

Crispface is right. Do whatever you need to get happy again. Cleaner, babysitter, whatever. Do you have parents who could help as well as your sister?

I read a post on here recently that said every mum needs at least half a day to themselves to do their own thing every fortnight.

If going out really isn't an option, try and enhance what you can do. The earlier post about fitness is good, what about a wii fit? Gan you have a girls night at yours? Also I recently did a course as I got so fed up slumping in front of the telly each winter's night, so tonight I have been making a friend a roman bling. makes you feel so much better producing something.

When you do have time, don't feel you have to cook etc. Looking after yourself is good for you and everyone.

Good Luck x

YOu need to lay it on the line to your DH. With my DC1, I was a bit of a martyr, and used to worry about leaving DH, thought he wouldn't cope etc. Also, he was never that keen to look after DD on his own (or so I thought), and he certainly never volunteered to look after her and encouraged me to have some 'me time'.

Then when I had DC2 I was so frazzled. I knew that I had to escape every now and again otherwise i would really go insane! So I was honest with DH - brutally honest. Told him that I was teetering on the edge and if I didn't get some free-time I really thought I might go bonkers.

Ever since, I am honest every time I feel like this - probably every month or two! I am less of a martyr, and sometimes I just tell DH to cancel all previously made plans for DIY, shopping, housework etc, because he needs to look after the DCs whilst I go shopping, sit in a cafe, have a pamper session! It doesn't happen very often, and I don't take advantage, but DH knows that sometimes I really need a break.

Explain how you feel to your DH. try to come up with some solutions, and explain how important it is. And try to let go a bit, and realise that it is good for your DH and DC to spend time together. You are doing them a favour!

I am sure that there are ad's that you can use whilst bf'ing, If that's what you need then really you must considr it, however I stand by my earlier point that your dh must pull his socks up and actually be a father fto your ds (rather than just a sperm donor)

yes I run too! gives me head space after a manic day. sometimes the echo of the babies screams would last with me for a good 15 mintues into the run

I have a huge amount of sympathy for you as it can be a shock to the system, especially as housework seems to triple with the addition of that one extra person and all their paraphernalia.

Do you do anything with your ds - swimming, toddlers, gym class, etc? That's often something to look forward to and makes a change from the routine and you spend time with other adults.

I think your dh doing three hours housework on a Sunday is too much and can't figure out why it would take so long. It's far more important that he spends time with your son especially if he isn't confident with spending time alone with him.

It's unfair if you can't go out in the evenings because he can't settle him. I think you need to bite the bullet and just go and leave him to it and turn off your phone. If you continue to let him just give up and fall back on you then he's never going to do it. I'm appalled that he can't make the effort for you.

You really do need some time to yourself so please make sure you get it. When mine were young dh always used to take them upstairs to play for half an hour when he got home just to give me a few minutes on my own. I never asked, it was just something he did.

Maybe your husband just lacks confidence with your son, people aren't necessarily natural parents and the social pressure seems to be that men are crap, don't know what they're doing with the kids etc... Maybe he left you to deal with your sick kiddo on your own because he believes he's no good at that kind of stuff, and hasn't had the alone time with your son to develop skills and confidence.

Anyway, my point is that you can discuss your son with your husband, as an equal. Ask his opinion about stuff. Talk about parenting strategies - using distraction and diversion for example to head off trouble, and how to use a low, firm voice for setting boundaries. Don't expect your husband to look after kiddo and clean at the same time you'll be setting up failure, but I honestly think it would be kind of you to give him the vote of confidence and start to leave him alone with your baby. You could maybe make it for a short time at first - just to the shop for milk for instance - until they get their confidence up, increase the length of time they're out but then book yourself into yoga or whatever one evening a week? Make it daddy-kiddy time, it'll be good for both of them. Really.

Also, if possible you could perhaps consider going into an office-share with other self-employed people, you'll probably get more done, have more seperation between work and home life, and have a bit more adult time.

Whoever suggested a cleaner is a genius btw, if it's within your means, do it! And while your sister's around, why not take advantage of the occassional dinner or whatever out with your man? You deserve it, and I'm sure bubs will be very used to your sister by now and settle just fine.

YANBU imho, there are some issues, but you can sort them out with a bit of encouragement and communication. Good luck x