To feel unhappy with my life?

[mmebovarycestmoi]

I feel stupid writing this, but I'll give it a try (obviously namechanged for that). The point is that I feel unhappy with my day to day life. I feel I'm drowning in housework and that I can't cope with the house, 11mo DS and part time work (from home). I've read some great organization tips in here, but the point is that putting them in practice would mean doing everything the same way everyday, and that would kill me! Yes, I'm exhausted, I'm frustrated because the house is always a mess, because I can't work as well/as much as I would like, because I don't sleep well - at the end of the day I'm always frustrated (at least I feel I'm doing a good enough job with DS - he's very happy and healthy, I think). DH helps, he does some housework, but he definitely doesn't understand how I feel.

And the point is that I feel a bit pathetic, as I have no reason to feel unhappy. Like a cheap Mme Bovary. I have a perfectly good life (albeit a bit tiring) and I keep yearning for more. I have always had trouble to deal with routine. Always needed some big thing to keep my mind focused: new job, moving house, trying to conceive, having a baby. I have to be looking forward to something, or to have a problem to solve.

I was told to take a few hours a week and do something that I like, but it never works. I can't even manage the things I have to do, so I keep postponing taking a few hours to go to the cinema by myself or something like that. (my sister is living with us for a few months, so I could do that on a mid-week afternoon, but I rarely do, as I think I should use the childcare hours for something "productive" as work or cooking). DH doesn't like to spend time with DS by himself, so he always tries to bring up reasons and makes difficulties if I want to do something on the weekend (also, he does the cleaning every weekend, so he uses that as a reason as well). Re DH, I'm resenting the fact that he has a life with adults and I don't. DS sleeps badly and doesn't settle with him, so I can't ever leave at night. On the weekend there is the cleaning issue, so he doesn't want to lose 3 hours cleaning on a Sunday and then spending other 3 hours with DS so I can go out. Right now he is in the cinema with a couple of friends while I'm at home (running to attend DS every 15 minutes as he's poorly and can't sleep for longer than that due to blocked nose)

I feel my life is boring and mundane, but I also feel it's an unfair thing to think. I'm lucky (have a nice house, a husband who helps me, a great family, a career that is not horrible, etc etc etc) and lots of people have lives that are really difficult. I don't know exactly what I want. I know IABU but maybe I could get some helpful ideas?

And can I remind you... a baby (much less a 11-month-old!) will not suffer permanent damage if mummy didn't come running every time he cries for one night! You will feel much, much better if you get some headspace. A young child is very demanding (and relentless!) of its primary caregiver. I put then 7-month-old DS2 in nursery one day a week (an excellent his older brother goes to) because I was going slightly bonkers and to have that one day a week where I can run errands, do stuff was bliss and saved me! Don't have that now as I work but then again, my two are now toddlers, not a small, demanding baby! Take good care of yourself.

Some great advice here, thanks!

My mum is coming over for a month next week, so things will be easier for a while. Apart from that, I have my sister living with us for a few months, and after that, nothing. All relatives are overseas (we're not from the UK).

Think maybe a cleaner IS an absolute priority :)

Running: I don't think my pelvic floor can handle that, but I could cycle or climb or whatever. I'd love to resume my yoga classes, but it is a bit far so it would take a lot of time.

ADs: there are some that are supposedly safe for BF. All of them are detectable in the milk, but some of them in an amount that in theory doesn't affect the baby. In a day like today it seeems obvious that the benefits outweigh the risks and I should go back to them. But then in a couple of days, when I effectively see the GP, I'm feeling better. And then some days afterwards I feel worse again. You get the idea.

Yes, I'm a bit of a martyr. My sister and DH say I complain all the time. I admit it doesn't help anyone. And I wish my DH's plans were DIY and stuff like that. It seems his only pleasure is staying in front of the computer.

I'd arranged a dinner with a friend this Thursday - it would be the first time I'd go out in the evening by myself, so a big deal. But then DS got ill - he's feeling bad and sleeping horribly, so I couldn't leave him. Had to cancel the dinner, then.

I agree with Angel1976 in that he'll be fine if you don't come running all the time.

I would normally say that YANBU but somehting happened over a week ago that has made me see life differently.

One of my closest friends was involved in a very serious accident as a cyclist on a busy road. She will live but she is very seriously injured. She may never be able to walk without crutches. She's 31. Before the accident she was worried about money, where her career and life are going and a little depressed about a few issues. She told me when I went to see her in hopsital that she couldn't believe how she fretted over such little things when now she can't even sit up in bed or walk

It may not help you to hear this but your DC's wont always be young and need constnat care and all this will be a distant memory one day.

If there's one thing I've learned and my friend has learned is that the real problems tha happen in life are actually things that never crossed your mind. he never imagined she'd have her whole life taken away, maybe for good in an instant.

I'll shut up now, sorry if I seem insensitive but I have a whole new perspective on problems now after seeing my friend in hospital. I went to an exercise class to day and had a renewed appreciation of how I could do what I liked with my body and had full use of my legs......

A1980, I want to laugh at myself now! Yes, you're right, that's how I felt when my uncle died a couple of years ago. For a good time afterwards every time I had a problem I would think "no one died, so it's not serious." and deal with whatever it was in a much better way. Sometimes we just lose perspective.

You're right, my problems are small (and I said that in the OP). But knowing that is not the same as feeling that, if that makes sense. And it feels even more wrong, feeling unhappy when you shouldn't, don't you think?

Anyway, I digress (big time!). Don't worry, it was a useful comment.

BTW, I'm so self centered today that I didn't even comment on your friend... Sorry for that, I really hope she'll recover! That's so sad.

morticia: bless your DH for taking the kids upstairs when he got in, thats really nice and considerate, im impressed!

bovary You aren't helping anyone by being a martyr. Honestly. So what if your DS was a little ill? As long as you have established he's not suffering from anything more than a cough/cold (cos he will get a lot more bugs as he gets older!), you can leave him with DH and go out. Let your DH have an appreciation of how tough life can be for you sometimes. He is your DS's father as much as you are DS's mother. You have to get this in your head: You need to be strong (mentally and physically) to be the best mother you can be to your DS. So if you need a bit of a break, do it. We left DS1 and DS2 (who was only a year old at that time, so almost the same age as your DS) for a week last year so I could take DH to Japan for a week-long trip as his 30th birthday surprise. I wrestled with my guilt for so long and was prepared to cancel the trip last minute if I had any doubts at all. TBH, DH and I needed the trip, we were both so bogged down with the worry and relentlessness of caring for two little ones. It did us both a world of good and DSs loved the week with the GPs. Take good care of yourself so you can take good care of your DS.

"You're right, my problems are small (and I said that in the OP). But knowing that is not the same as feeling that, if that makes sense."

OP I wasn't saying your problems are small. Not at all! Just maybe saying that they are not insurmountable and won't last forever. That's all I meant!

A x

angel, sometimes I feel I'm weak. Very.

A1980, don't worry, I know what you mean. Really. And some perspective may help me. As you say, my problems are not insurmountable and won't last forever :)

bovary I hope I haven't made you feel bad. I admit DS1 was PFB and it took me a long time to get over it and for someone to take over the care of him. GPs didn't have him overnight till he was almost 21 months old because I couldn't let go and I can see now with hindsight (and embarrassment!) how PFB I was. Try taking little steps. Can you ask DH to take him to the local park? Or the local soft play? DS is old enough to happily sit in the swing or munch some germ-covered balls in soft play! :)

DS is not PFB if he's with me. He puts all sort of germ covered stuff in his mouth, and I let him have his falls while he learns to walk. My problem is leaving him with other people!

DH will stay with him at home but is reluctant to take him to a park or elsewhere. And then the "weak" part kicks in - I insist but eventually give up.

Well, well... Think I'm going to sleep now. I couldn't thank you all enough, you made me company while I spent time home alone and caring for a poorly little boy, and helped me a lot.

Well of course you are miserable, you are overworked and bloody knackered and your DH isn't because he's buck passing and carrying on like the baby didn't happen. Perhaps the baby really DIDN'T happen in his own personal bubble!

You choices are stark...

1. Keep compensating for him, grow to hate him, either take up Gin or divorce him bitterly.
2. Strap on a pair and whip him into shape, after he's got a more equal concept of what parenting means you will be happier, healthier and might not need AD's. He will be glad of his marriage getting back on track.

There is a saying where I work, that depression is anger turned inwards. Who are you not saying you're cross with? I think we already know.

I left iour daughter with my husband all the time in the first year, just like I do now. I dont see why having a baby should mean I have no social life. Just plan something, tell him, and then go out and do it.

I felt the same. DH and I my family's are a 3 hour flight away too, so no support there. DH works 12-15 hour days, so I felt like a single mom most days. I was drowning in what seemed like an endless diaper changing, feeding, putting down for naps, cleaning routine, unable to nurture me and my career. What saved me was meeting a bunch of other moms at a Baby Talk group and we just started getting together for dinner once a month. Just that dinner once a month was amazing. We have a great little network now with the nine of us, doing birthdays and Christmas parties and playdates, including the dads. Its been a god-send having this outlet.

I too signed up for a 10k marathon (holy crap to whoever signed up to the triathlon... that blows me away) so it forced me to get out at least 3 times a week to run. Running is so incredibly cathartic and stress releasing.

Its time for your DH to spend some time with DS. You also need to stop thinking about your free time to do something 'productive'... nurturing you IS productive.

It does get better when DC's get older.

You sound like a lovely lady op! I find it hard to leave my dc with others too - really really hard! I know how you feel x

Hi Emma.Hope you slept well.Things often seem better in the morning.Thinking of you. Mx.

Good morning all. The night was reasonable, DS slept reasonably well once I went to bed and took him with me.

I've been thinking about being weak and pulling my weight. I always promise myself I'll be more assertive instead of complaining. I've promised that once again! :)

Unerachieving, your definition of depression is great! Think I'll make a poster of it and hang on the wall ;)

Thanks for all the sympathy. Right now DH is with DS so I can have my breakfast (instead of complaining, I just told him I'd like him to do that. I only have to keep being that objective - which never happens for long).

I don't know could I run or do something else 3x a week. I'd love to do some exercise, I lost a lot of weight with running after DS and BFing, and only need some toning now to feel hot (hahahaha).

for all of us

I don't think baby + housework + working from home is a good combination at all. Home becomes a prison full of never-ending chores and you never, ever relax.

OP: In the early days I worked part-time - two days at home and one at work. At the beginning we all thought it was the perfect solution - and bear in mind the DS went to a nursery for the days I worked. In reality it was horrendous - no boundaries, no "going" to work - totally blurred between where work started and ended with no escapte.

I agree with Bonsoir. Would a part time job out of the home be possible? One of the reasons I love my job is that it makes me feel like a capable individual in my own right. I'm really busy, but home is a place that it's a pleasure to get back to at the end of the day. Having a cleaner can really take the pressure off too.

I used to work from home before DS was born, I used to like it. I'd prefer to be somewhere else two afternoons a week, for example, but the amount I make is not enough to pay for a nursery (don't get me started on why I don't make enough money, how I never progressed in my career as I should, how I feel like a failure some days, why no one appreciates my work enough to pay decent money for that, yadda yadda yadda )

It may not be right for you, but have you considered getting a job where you're not working from home and putting ds in childcare for that time? It gives you adult time, and hopefully a bit of money also.

Oh. Glad to hear you managed to have breakfast in peace... The things we took for granted before children, having a nice cup of tea in peace.... :)

onceamai I kinda disagree with you there. I work three days at the moment - two in office and one at home though sometimes more days at home if I can and I find NOT having the commute to work makes work easier. But I agree that you have to be very disciplined and not get distracted by housework and other stuff! :)

But the days I am in the office (barring the commute) I love for the chit chat with my colleagues and going out for lunch (what a luxury!). :)

When you have a potential income disparity between parents, the lower earning parent can sometimes make the family worse off by paying for childcare. If both are high earners it's not a problem, if both are low, the government will help with childcare, but if one is high and one low, there's no help, but the childcare can outweigh the wage of the lower earner.

it's a bit of a trap.

But one thing you might consider is an evening job a couple of nights a week?

Leave your husband totally to it, and expect things 'done' when you get back,.