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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To consider leaving my husband?

31 replies

Pennygarcia · 02/04/2011 11:51

We've had lots of ups and downs in our marriage, mostly due to thing beyond our control, but have always muddled through. Generally my DH is kind and caring, but he can be thoughtless at times. He's tried to change this but doesn't seem able to and I am not perfect either. (who is?) he has though, in the past been there when I needed him most.

We had some very bad news yesterday and I admit I reacted very badly to it and spent most of the day crying. I am also in the third tri of a complicated pregnancy where we can't make love as it's too risky, which doesn't help. Last night I asked to borrow DH's phone to go online and when I opened the browser there was a page of porn open. I pointed it out and gave DH his phone back. He didn't say a word about it as we sat there for 45 minutes, so then I asked him about it. I did wonder if it had come up by accident. He said he had been looking at it, so I asked him at what point of the day where I had been inconsolable he'd found the time. Apparently when I slept for an hour and he was sat in bed beside me and 'bored'.

I feel so hurt by this, not just him looking at it during a time when we can't make love and I hate my body, feeling like a frumpy, fat blob, but also when I was so upset and needed him to be there for me. Today I have turned all my mirrors around so I don't catch a glipse of myself, I feel disgusting.

I feel like maybe this is the end, I'm not sure I can come back from this. He slept on the sofa last night then when I came down for breakfast breezily said 'ok?' as if it was all no big deal, which led to me bursting into tears again. He just doesn't think it's a big deal or realise how much he's hurt me, he never does.

Am I over reacting?

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 02/04/2011 11:54

sorry,but yes,i think you are.

Chil1234 · 02/04/2011 11:58

YABU to leave your husband because you hate yourself.

squeakytoy · 02/04/2011 12:03

I think you need to get this moved onto the Relationships board really.

BertieBotts · 02/04/2011 12:03

I think it depends on his reaction to it TBH. If you've not had a problem with porn before or if he thinks it's normal and a natural thing to do when he wants to "relieve" himself then he might not even have thought for a second that it would upset you and so think that you are being hormonal over it. YANBU to be upset, but since porn is so accepted generally I very much doubt he meant to hurt you by doing this.

The fact he just said "OK?" this morning fits with this if he thought it was your hormones/yesterday being upsetting making it into a big issue.

Have you told him how this made you feel? If you have told him and he's still brushing it off then he's being an arse.

iwantadogbutarabbitwoulddo · 02/04/2011 12:03

God give the woman some sympathy, more than YABU. How is that heping?

She needs help! She got some bad news yesterday.

OP, please talk to your husband. You're having an awful time and you need to pull together as a team. Looking at porn whilst you were upset and crying is really really not very nice. He needs to wake up to this.

BertieBotts · 02/04/2011 12:04

Oh and yes I agree with getting the thread moved if you can. Just report it to MNHQ.

nomoreheels · 02/04/2011 12:06

Maybe you should write him a letter if you don't feel you can have a calm, rational conversation because you're so upset (understandably, you sound like you're having a rubbish P and have a lot going on.)

Just stick to the facts - about how you feel at the moment, about how it made you feel when you saw the porn. (FWIW, he was probably just using it as a quick way to get off though!)

I have to say though - it is understandable that he will have some sexual frustration if you're not being intimate at all. I don't mean sex, but there are plenty of other things you could do together. I am in third trimester too and actual sex is off the agenda due to it being very painful, but I feel it's very important for us to try and be intimate in other ways so we stay close as a couple. It is a big effort sometimes, and it's only once a week or so, but I am trying.

On the other hand, has he said anything that makes you feel like a "frumpy fat blob" or is this your own thoughts? My DP says he finds me beautiful and that helps when I'm feeling like a beached whale... If he's being negative about your body image then that's a completely different thing.

kerrymumbles · 02/04/2011 12:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Pennygarcia · 02/04/2011 12:16

He does know I have a problem with him looking at porn. It is due to me no longer having any confidence as well as how I feel about the porn industry in general. He never tells me I'm beautiful, he's not very good at showing his feelings in that way. I loved my pregnant body at first and have tried to keep up a sex life even though it's both uncomfortable and frustrating for me as I can't seem to orgasm during pregnancy for some reason. Plus, in the last few weeks, feeling like a beached whale hasn't helped.

OP posts:

CrapBag · 02/04/2011 12:20

I would say that you are in no condition or state to be making huge decisions about your life at the moment.

OliPolly · 02/04/2011 12:24

Sometimes we don't realise how much our partners are feeling when we are pregnant. Noone here should tell you to leave your DH because frankly, we don't know enough. I would encourage you to talk to him and let your feelings known. You cannot change a persons character but you can ask them to respect your views.

getagoldtoof · 02/04/2011 12:28

Penny, please don't make any decisions while you feel so vulnerable. To make such a huge choice like this needs to be done with a level head. Take some time to look after yourself, and build your own reserves of strength up after your bad news.

Of course you feel awful, it's not surprising. I reckon you need to get in to a mindset where you don't feel overly emotional before you start worrying about the future. Reevaluate how you feel then.

BertieBotts · 02/04/2011 12:34

When you say he can be thoughtless, are there previous issues? It could be that this (although it may sound trivial to others) is the straw that breaks the camel's back, though it might just be that the camel is carrying too much at the moment to be able to deal with issues such as this.

If you want a rant about everything feel free to have one :)

ENormaSnob · 02/04/2011 12:37

Post this in relationships penny.

onceamai · 02/04/2011 13:02

Oh hugs. This was very hurtful and came at a bad time and it upset you when you were already upset. Please don't let it get out of proportion - he probably feels bad about it and so doesn't know what to say becuase in your present mood he knows that whatever he says will be wrong. He was probably only looking and he got found out - an awful lot of men do it. Our teenage ds does it and his father was proud when he found out.

Can you have a hug and a whimper together?

FabbyChic · 02/04/2011 13:07

Yabu to consider ending your marriage over this, talk to your husband let him know how it makes you feel. However, you can stimulate him to orgasm even if you cannot have sex yourself, maybe he is feeling incredibly frustrated?

Rather the porn than another woman surely.

Morloth · 02/04/2011 13:16

I think he has been a dick and porn is pretty vile and think men who look at it are pretty vile as well.

However, I also think that the day after receiving bad news, when you are heavily pregnant is not the time to be making a decision as to whether or not to leave your (non abusive) husband.

If you really believe that your marriage is over you need to work out the practicalities, decide whether you want to work on it or not etc.

Underachieving · 02/04/2011 13:23

He should have more respect and more understanding and if it were my DP I'd be looking to start a row about it until he realised what a completely insensitive, selfish shit he was being.

Your feelings are important. Even feelings that some of mumsnet thinks you're being a little sensitive to have. You need to feel supported and loved unconditionaly right now. You don't have a choice about the no-sex thing, that's just a fact of life, he needs to contain it.

Some men have a sense of entitlement to sex, it's about time we culturally stamped that out in all it's forms, including that if the missus is unavailable you can look for substitutes. He, as a human being, has more self control that than and should treat himself and your marriage/partnership with more respect.

southmum · 02/04/2011 13:34

"Rather the porn than another woman"

Wondered how long it would be before that gem

Parmallama · 02/04/2011 13:54

I don't think anything that you've said is cause in itself for ending your marriage...
Presumably you took vows when you married? Those vows should mean something.

I think you should be able to work through all of the issues with some professional counselling maybe.

I do think you are over-reacting re the porn and I do think your own insecurities are the reason for your over-reaction.

I don't think the situation is easy for him...and I think you should sit down and talk through all of the issues that are bothering you and him.

Original poster

Pennygarcia · 02/04/2011 13:58

I'm sure the situation isn't easy for him, it's not easy for me either. I usually have a much higher sex drive than he does and it's extremely frustrating, not least as I have been making an effort to, well, 'keep him happy', which just leads to me being more frustrated sexually.

Maybe ending the marriage is a bit drastic, but I am now even more angry as he has been out all morning on 'errands', is going away to work tomorrow afternoon, so won't be here for a while and hasn't even acknowledged I exist since he has been home, let alone speak to me or see how I am.

OP posts:

Parmallama · 02/04/2011 14:20

Sounds like he's avoiding uncomfortable discussions?

You definately need to sit down with him and let him know how you are feeling about everything.

You are both finding the situation difficult...and it needs resolving BEFORE the little one comes along.

Original poster

Pennygarcia · 02/04/2011 14:34

Well I've tried talking now. He thinks it's hilarious that I've felt the need to turn the mirrors round and apparently shouldn't have lent me his phone/I am forcing him to look at porn in secret. That was his parting comment as he stormed out of the room. I am now sobbing again and he is in the next room painting and ignoring me.

This is just so awful I feel like he's being so selfish and uncaring and I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 02/04/2011 14:37

He is being selfish, and he is being uncaring, he should be telling you you look beautiful and not to be so silly.

Parmallama · 02/04/2011 14:40

I think it's ridiculous to have turned all the mirrors around...

It sounds as if you have really low self esteem but I'm not sure why.
Surely you can think of things about yourself that you can be proud of...do you really hate the way you look?

Your feelings of inadequacy/insecurity will rub off.

You need to turn those mirrors back round...
Your husband chose you and married you because of the person you are. That means you must be pretty amazing..he must have thought that.

Don't know how you can resolve things now other than talking. Will take baby steps no doubt..BUT...you can start by turning those mirrors back. Does seem a little irrational!

That's all I can say. I'm no expert!

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