To consider leaving my husband?

[Pennygarcia]

We've had lots of ups and downs in our marriage, mostly due to thing beyond our control, but have always muddled through. Generally my DH is kind and caring, but he can be thoughtless at times. He's tried to change this but doesn't seem able to and I am not perfect either. (who is?) he has though, in the past been there when I needed him most.

We had some very bad news yesterday and I admit I reacted very badly to it and spent most of the day crying. I am also in the third tri of a complicated pregnancy where we can't make love as it's too risky, which doesn't help. Last night I asked to borrow DH's phone to go online and when I opened the browser there was a page of porn open. I pointed it out and gave DH his phone back. He didn't say a word about it as we sat there for 45 minutes, so then I asked him about it. I did wonder if it had come up by accident. He said he had been looking at it, so I asked him at what point of the day where I had been inconsolable he'd found the time. Apparently when I slept for an hour and he was sat in bed beside me and 'bored'.

I feel so hurt by this, not just him looking at it during a time when we can't make love and I hate my body, feeling like a frumpy, fat blob, but also when I was so upset and needed him to be there for me. Today I have turned all my mirrors around so I don't catch a glipse of myself, I feel disgusting.

I feel like maybe this is the end, I'm not sure I can come back from this. He slept on the sofa last night then when I came down for breakfast breezily said 'ok?' as if it was all no big deal, which led to me bursting into tears again. He just doesn't think it's a big deal or realise how much he's hurt me, he never does.

Am I over reacting?

I know it hurts to find your husband has looked at porn when you yourself feel so low, but I do think it is more about you than him - he didn't do it to hurt you and it is better for porn to be used than an affair... I certainly wouldn't leave him now, before the baby - you need his support and who knows how things will change after your new arrival.

Hugs on the bad news though, I hope things are okay. Try to do something nice for yourself today - something that will cheer you up a bit.

so because you feel lousy, you would bring up three kids without a dad??

firstly get a grip

secondly dont make any decisions while you are so obviously unstable mentally

thirdly, so what if he looks at mucky pics on t'internet, millions of men and women do it daily, just because you have an issue with it, you cannot police other peoples thoughts

It's not hilarious that you felt you needed to turn the mirrors around what a prick to laugh at you when you're obviously feeling so low. I don't often agree with FabbyChic on these threads but she's right - he should be telling you you are beautiful!

This is not right - whether the porn issue is a big issue or not (and the porn thing is going to divide responses, especially on AIBU) he should be supportive of you at such an emotional time, and he should be apologetic if he's upset you, whether he thinks it's a big deal or not.

He's really not being supportive at all. Having a row is something that is usually best avoided but I can't see how you and him are going to clear the air without pushing all of this to the forefront in a way that means it can't be avoided anymore. Divorcing a man for being an insensitive shit is fair enough, but divorce is such a big deal I think you need to stand up and make sure you've done your best to get him to hear you and give it more time before deciding to go that way. On the other hand I think kicking him out to his mates sofa for a week might be exactly what he needs to make him wake up.

I agree with Underachieving on this point ...

Some men have a sense of entitlement to sex, it's about time we culturally stamped that out in all it's forms, including that if the missus is unavailable you can look for substitutes. He, as a human being, has more self control that than and should treat himself and your marriage/partnership with more respect.

Would it really hurt a guy to go without it for a while and channel his energy into something else for a while.

You guys cannot have sex right now and he probably needed to release some tension, which masturbation helps do. It is natural IMO and was not done to hurt you. I think you are very sensitive and emotional right now and I am sorry you are feeling so down. Is there a counsellor you can see about how this pregnancy is making you feel? Turning mirrors around in the house because you are disgusted with your body is extreme and you may need to talk to someone about this. Give your DH a break as he is having to cope with this too. He may have been thoughtless to let you see the porn but I do not think he is vile or thoughtless for looking at it to begin with. He cannot help your circumstances and is probably feeling as powerless as you, although he is not having to deal with the extra physical burden you are dealing with and may not understand it.........

This is what I was writing till I saw your comment at 14:37pm. Dick head! What an insensitive wanker!