teen mums? really...

[JjandtheBeanlovesUnicorns]

Ok i know thread about a thread, bad.

but im curious.

I was a teen mum, 18 when ds arrived, dp worked fulltime we privately rented a house and were comfortable. We had dd 16mnths later. I worked where and as i could around the children doing things like avon and temping in a preschool when i could. When dd turned two our world collapsed and now 4mnths later we have nothing...

So what i ask is, Now my familys fallen on bad times and we are homeless and broke are we crappy teen parents who ''shouldnt have had kids if we couldnt support them''

could this have not happened to a couple of older parents?

(fwiw i start training for my new job next week and dp is shortlisted for two new jobs too, we work our buts off)

or does being a younger parent mean im always going to be judged to be like some small minority to have life handed to them on a plate and get pregnant to live off the tax payer.

i wouldnt recomend it to my children, like i said i want them to be free for a while, however i WOULD go back and do it exactly the same all over again. However id deffinatly NOT rent a house from the ils as thats why im homeless.

I am however more peeved at the amount of people i come across who say me and dp only stick together for the kids/havent experienced relationships etc, yes at our lowest they have pulled us together BUT whos to say there arent people twice our age who'd had few or no previous relationships and fell in love and had a baby? And personally im proud that i didnt sleep with X amount of people before i settled down.

im really enjoying following this thread as everyone is sharing their opinions and experiences without it getting nasty, which makes a refreshing change

i really resent the better educated comment. just because i didnt go to uni doesnt mean i dont have qualifications, im pretty intelligent. And walked straight into the first job i found in my area of knowledge.

although yes more life experience may have helped, regardless it doesnt mean im not working my arse off to drag us out of this independantly since the council are twats

JjandtheBeanlovesUnicorns , "better educated" doesn't just mean having attended university. DH and I both left school with no A'levels.

But when we came up against some serious shit last year, because we had both happened to gather a handful of qualifications along the way we were able to weather the storm much better than if we had been 20 and not had those qualifications and, a load of life experience under out belts.

Why would you resent a truth? A person is more likely to be well educated at 35 than at 18. Thats not debateable and is not personal, so why you would take offense is a mystery.

"Why would you resent a truth? A person is more likely to be well educated at 35 than at 18."

Not at all true. At 24 I have more life experience than many many people I have met in their 30's and can converse with them on equal footing about life and the realitites of adult responsibilities. Many things in my life have led to this, including the fact that I have been completely independent from the age of 16, holding down full time jobs and paying my own way for everything including council tax and rent. I have lived a very eventful life already which is why I am settling down now. It is not to do with age, experience is all relevant. Education is not just book knowledge, it is an education in life which is most important.

doing these things is harder with kids in tow. having a child as a teenager befoe finishing your education, means that if you go back to education, yes it is possible with the right finances and support but it is very very hard and is simply not an option for many people who do not have the finances or support, look at how hard it is for some teenagers to get to uni without children. it can be done, but it makes it twice as hard and i wouldn't want that for my children

i also think that teen mums can feel isolated. the support isn't there to enable them to go out clubbing and be with friends in a child free social setting.

who is expected to do the babysitting? me? i don't think so - ive done my bit tyvm - i want to go out socialising. it absolutely will curtail ones social life having a child, a teenager with a child will not have the same social experiences as those with. I firmly want my children to have lots of experiences, travel, do silly even stupid things that teenagers do free of responsability and worry - that is what i want for my children

yes, contraception does fail - but that doesn't mean that we should absolve outselves of responsability - i'm not even sure what is meant by this statement actually - what did you mean?

Sorry Custardo, was that last question to me?

yes

JjandtheBeanlovesUnicorns, hard times can happen to anyone. Regardless of age, if they have children, if they are educated to a university level. You shouldn't have to justify your rough patch for others and I hope things work out soon.

That said, I do agree with GetOrfMoiLand. I am a teenage mother and I really hope my daughter won't be.

ldn. Spot the bit where is said MORE LIKELY. You personally do not make up a population.

But isn't it possible that teen mums gain experience those of us who weren't teen mums didn't too?

I spent my teens getting A Levels and going to university, and now I have my academic qualifications. However, I have only very recently got any good at all at all sorts of other life-skills. Basically, not having children meant I could wander through life very aimlessly. OTOH there are loads of mums on here who clearly saw that as they had children they had to work and get themselves together.

But if you go for a job they are going to want to know about your qualifications and education "I was a teenage mother and learned loads", while it might be true isn't going to impress most interview panels.
It might not be fair but its true.

No, I don't think it is always true. I have certainly failed to get jobs and been told that I don't have qualities I need that are real-life skills, not academic ones. I think in my early twenties it was very, very obvious I was quite sheltered and quite aimless, and job interviewers would tell me so as nicely as they could. I am not saying teenage motherhood is necessarily a wonderful opportunity for anyone, but lots of people on here who were teenage mums do seem to have found they had to organize themselves, get a bit of purpose and drive together.

I really don't think that the aimlessness and huge amount of free time that you have at university is especially good for lots of people - many people find they can do very little and still get a good degree, and employers are wise to people like that (like me) who turn up with qualifications on paper but less by way of real, necessary skills.

Op, regarding the thread u are talking about naming no names (sweet gilly) is a stuck up wanker with warped views and nothing better to do with her time than wind people up. I unfortunately got sucked into that thread.

Regarding being a teenage mum, yes there will always be an element of being judgement. However I don't think anyone has anything to prove to anyone, u can be 40 with nothing and be a shit parent or be 20 with nothing and be a shit parent. Age doesn't come into it as far as I am concerned and fuck anyone else who says different.

I am sorry u have fallen on hard times, it happens to the best of us its about how u deal with it that matters.

Sorry for any spelling or grammar mistakes I am on my phone

"ldn. Spot the bit where is said MORE LIKELY. You personally do not make up a population."

My point is that it is not a MORE LIKELY situation and is dependant on individual's. I am not the only young person I know like myself as alot of my friends were in care for instance and had to learn to be self sufficient from a young age. Plus living in inner London, late stage teenagers are more competent and have more knowledge on life than people assume. No I do not make up a population, but I represent a demographic of young people much larger than people realise.

Littlereddragon makes a valid and true point. "I really don't think that the aimlessness and huge amount of free time that you have at university is especially good for lots of people - many people find they can do very little and still get a good degree, and employers are wise to people like that (like me) who turn up with qualifications on paper but less by way of real, necessary skills."

The point above is something my university lecturer's and career's adviser's have all pointed out at some point in my three years at uni. For this reason they organise skills workshops and work experience for many of the students who come straight to uni with book knowledge and nothing else. Being educated is great and should be a given for everyone IMO, but without life skills to back it up, employers are not that impressed.

As for this: "yes, contraception does fail - but that doesn't mean that we should absolve outselves of responsability - i'm not even sure what is meant by this statement actually - what did you mean?"

I wasn't sure which statement you were referring to Custardo but will assume it was the one further upthread.

You stated this: "i think its largely to do with contraception and choice."

My point was that it is easy to say that but contraceptive does not always work. It is not 100% effective, simples.

yes your stating an obviosu fact - but i don't understand the point you are trying to make

Ignore! ignore! ignore! Some people are just plain ignorant! My Ds has so called friends (12yo snot nose) telling him that his Mum (me) is stealing from his (other boys) Mum, because her tax is going straight into my bank account!!! the fact that I worked and paid tax for 27 years until my career break after having Dd is immaterial apparently. I will return to work sometime soon and she still wont have paid as many tax years as me.
OP, let these people walk a mile in your shoes. I believe strongly in Karma and they'll get theirs.

Solo, that is shocking who would tell a 12yo that???

I do hope your ds can rise above and ignore that child spouting his mothers horrid veiws

Jj, I know! but they all seem to jump on the band wagon calling Ds 'poor boy' because he doesn't have a wii, xbox or any of those up to the minute gadgets. My Mum bought Ds some Kickers last week as he seems to knock the life out of cheap shoes, so that's now the new thing to pick on. They've now stolen his tie...I'm fed up with it all ~ him crying, hating the school, not being able to join in after school activities etc.

But Karma's a bitch.

I missed the original thread.

YANBU. Any couple could find themselves in your situation, it has sod all to do with being young parents and I hope it improves for you soon.

Solo that is awful poor little chap! What thouroughly shitty parents the other boys must have.

Whats wrong with kickers? my cousins 10yo and would LOVE a pair

Oh no! nothing wrong with Kickers Jj, just that 'I thought you were poor, but Kickers are expensive' (which is why Grandma paid for them and not Mummy). I understand that the main culprits mother is a child minder, so I'm a little worried what her mindees are hearing tbh. Not a nice woman imo.

Falling on hard times is not necessarily any individuals fault ~ especially in this government day and age. OP, YANBU. I was a first time Mum at 34, was fine financially etc, but having Dd at nearly 43 and not being able to work and afford a child minder, I chose to take a career break...I personally feel like although it was my choice to be a sahm for a while, I didn't have a choice IYSWIM? mind you! according to above snot nose!!! I shouldn't have had another baby!!! I kid you not! I am sooo waiting for Karma to knock on his family front door!

there are some truly horrible people out there solo! its a bit worrying she cares for other peoples children with such rude and obviously open opinions.
Enjoy being a sahm, im learning from experience that money does NOT buy happiness, we have been comfortable and we werent content, now we are poor we are more in love than ever and the children are happy. its bizarre really, i guess it makes you grateful for the simple things.

i hope your ds' kickers last longer than previous shoes, i thought mine were the coolest shoes ever!