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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

teen mums? really...

76 replies

JjandtheBeanlovesUnicorns · 01/04/2011 21:40

Ok i know thread about a thread, bad.

but im curious.

I was a teen mum, 18 when ds arrived, dp worked fulltime we privately rented a house and were comfortable. We had dd 16mnths later. I worked where and as i could around the children doing things like avon and temping in a preschool when i could. When dd turned two our world collapsed and now 4mnths later we have nothing...

So what i ask is, Now my familys fallen on bad times and we are homeless and broke are we crappy teen parents who ''shouldnt have had kids if we couldnt support them''

could this have not happened to a couple of older parents?

(fwiw i start training for my new job next week and dp is shortlisted for two new jobs too, we work our buts off)

or does being a younger parent mean im always going to be judged to be like some small minority to have life handed to them on a plate and get pregnant to live off the tax payer.

OP posts:
Tortington · 02/04/2011 00:37

why?

LDNmummy · 02/04/2011 00:40

Oh and I hope things get better for you soon Jj Smile, I was following your other thread and you seem to be taking alot on at the moment and I wish you the best.

MillyR · 02/04/2011 00:42

Because the outcomes for children of teens are largely connected to class rather than the fact of the parent being a teenager.

And also because many teen parents do not have adequate support. I know that mine will do, because I am prepared to support them.

They also have good role models for teen parenting. My MIL had DH at 16, SIL had her child at 18, my grandmother had my mother at 19, and the rest of us have had kids in either teens or early twenties. We have all had decent lives, plenty of opportunities and raised happy children.

So my entire family would be supportive of a teen pregnancy and not make my children feel they were somehow wrong or inadequate.

I also feel there are drawbacks to having children later, and I would want my children to be aware of the pros and cons of each potential age for having kids.

Tortington · 02/04/2011 00:44

i think supporting someone when they find themselves pregnant is wholly different than encouraging them to consider being a teenage parent

MillyR · 02/04/2011 00:49

I wouldn't encourage my children to have kids at any particular age. It is their decision. They might not even want to have children.

LDNmummy · 02/04/2011 00:52

I agree with MillyR and would have the same stance with my DC. Besides, naturally speaking your later teen years and up till your mid twenties is when nature decided it was best to have children. It is urbanization and the commitments of modern life that has changed that. For generations upon generations before, girls would be married in their teens/ early twenties and start having babies. It is not normal now because modern life with working women and the general demands of living in a capitalist world, cannot maintain girl's having children at this age.

Tortington · 02/04/2011 00:55

i think its largely to do with contraception and choice. i have actively discouraged my children from having children in their teens

MillyR · 02/04/2011 00:56

I think capitalism can't cope very well with women having children at any age, unless they are married to somone who will remain married to them for the whole of their children's upbringing and financially contribute throughout.

LDNmummy · 02/04/2011 01:04

Contraception is not 100% effective custardo, there was a thread about that recently.

You are right MillyR, for me this is exactly why teenage parent's and single parent's are stigmatised so much. It is as if they're upsetting the order of things and inconveniencing the capitalist state that we have to live in IYSWIM.

I think the younger you are, the more you are stigmatised as people immediately wonder how you will be financially able to look after your child, and with the welfare state, many feel they have a right to judge however unfairly as they feel they are somehow picking up the tab.

happybubblebrain · 02/04/2011 01:06

My grandma was a very young mum and then she became a single mum when my dad was 4. AND she is the best mum, and grandma. She learnt to drive and did a degree aged 40, all three of her children were well-educated and had good professional careers and families. All 7 of her grandkids have degrees. Plus she's had a great life, travelled lots, helped lots of people and everyone thinks she is the most lovely person.

People are far too judgemental, especially towards mums. I think in general everyone is doing the best they can do, nobody wants to have a shit life for themselves or their children. Don't let judgemental people drag you down. You can have a good life and be a great mum no matter what age you are, and in spite of your circumstances.

MillyR · 02/04/2011 01:11

I think the only way that women can manage in this economic system, without risking ending up with a lot of the relationship and work problems that appear on MN threads, is by having the support of other women. For me, that means I would support my own DD and any woman that DS has a child with.

It is one of the problems with the SAHM/WOHM issue. We all have an easier time if we help each other out.

GotArt · 02/04/2011 01:27

Don't worry. I can happen to anyone, regardless of when you had children. The point is that you are working to make it better again, not giving up.

Original poster
JjandtheBeanlovesUnicorns · 02/04/2011 19:31

Milly is right, helping each other out would make all the teen mum/older mum, ff/bf, sahm/wohm alot easier, i dont judge any one on any of the above as ive experienced them all and i know as a mum the decissions we make are never easy, having children changes your life, as for me my life is now all about them, everything i do revolves around them both, i dont want to work weekends i want to run round the park with them but i know as they get older school and friends cause demands, and i want them to have a comfortable upbringing i want them to have everything i didnt. And luckily i have the energy and drive to do what ever it takes.

thanks LDN.

All ive ever wanted since having ds is some nice mummy friends, except i never fitted in it was older mummys and young single mums, neither excepted me and ive felt lonely and isolated hence my great love for mumsnet.

OP posts:
Original poster
JjandtheBeanlovesUnicorns · 02/04/2011 19:32

*accepted

OP posts:
sweetygilly · 02/04/2011 19:33

tethersend Fri 01-Apr-11 22:00:15
Where did t'other thread go?

Dunno. Would like to know myself.

CFAW · 02/04/2011 19:36

Age has nothing to do with it. Every person on here is just a few steps away from your position, if they like to admit it or not.
All it takes is for your boss to go bust and then everyone is on their arse!

Don't listen to people being dicks! You will be fine, things always work out, chin up.

Tryharder · 02/04/2011 19:57

Agree largely with Custardo. If my teenage DD met her life partner at a young age, got married (or was in a stable committed relationship) and had (planned) children with him in her teens, I would have no problem with that.

If my 18 year old DD fell pregnant accidentally as a result of a drunken one night stand, didnt know the father, and as a result had to cut short her plans to go to university/travel/get a decent job, I would find it a problem. The daughter of a cousin of mine got pregnant to some random boyfriend (now not in the picture) when she was 18 and has had a baby. It was all hunky dory at first but now the reality of not being able to go out when she wants, living on benefits etc has sunk in. She wants to go out partying with her friends but cannot and so, very sadly, resents her DD.

I don't think you can say, oh well my Grandma got pregnant when she was in her teens so therefore...because 'in those days' the only option open to working class women like my Grandma was a menial job (my Grandma worked in a laundry) followed by marriage and kids.

GeekLove · 02/04/2011 20:11

For me the only real issue with teen parents is a lack of life experience. This would also mean that with a balance of probabilities you are less likely to have met a suitable life partner simply becacuse you haven't been around as long. I think it is useful, though not essential to have had some experience of independent living before you have children.
Having said that I wonder if teen/early 20's parents have more energy than older parents?

MillyR · 02/04/2011 20:14

Tryharder, simply not true about women's options. There has been a generation since women were allowed employment opportunities but still had kids early on. My MIL has had a very successful career, and part of that is because she had children young she never had to take time out mid career for maternity leave. In fact many women who broke through in male professions (my mother was one of the first women to enter her profession) did so after having children.

If your cousin cannot go out to parties with her friends, then your family is providing her with inadequate support. She has become a mother, not a nun. I wouldn't have kids at any age if it meant I would no longer have the opportunity to go out to clubs, travel, work abroad, study or pursue a career.

I also don't care whether my DD chooses to have kids with a life partner or on without.

CFAW · 02/04/2011 20:14

I had my first child at 21, had been living independently for 5 years by then. Had plenty of life experience.

And buckets of energy, my mum cant cope with early mornings if she has my son for the night. Is buggered for nearly a week after one night.

So i would say so.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents · 02/04/2011 20:17

I wouldn't want my children to have children at 18, that doesn't mean I have any issue with you, but I don't want it for mine.

Plus (and I'm sure I'll get a kicking and a whole lot of names for this one), anyone can fall on hard times, but it might be the case that if you are older, establised etc, you stand a better chance of dealing with them. You're more likely to be better educated, more likely to have more work experience and higher earning potential and so on. You've got better prospects, on the whole.

GetOrfMoiLand · 02/04/2011 20:24

People still judge me when they discover that I am 33 with a 15 year old daughter.

I have a successful career which is an unusal combo with having been a young mother in many people's eyes.

ah well.

That said, I agree with Custardo - I wouldn't recommend being a teenage mother to anyone. Yes it worked out well for me, however it wasa bloody hard slog. I also had a shitty upbringing, had no family worh speaking of and that was the reason why I got pregnant at 17 in the first place.

Generally I would hope that a happy, confident 17 year old wouldn't choose to have a baby so young in a million years. It is not ideal. I would not judge a teenage mother of course, but would suspect that there are reasons behind it, and would consider a teen mum to be in need of emotional/practical support.

I have spoken to dd about it - I hope I have given her a secure and happy upbringing and she will choose to start a family when she is older and more settled. Your teenage years are for having fun, studying, discovering yourself and travel, not for having children.

PunkPixie · 02/04/2011 20:29

We've been there and it's a horrible place to be in life. I see NO logic whatsoever on pinning it on a person's age. It shows total ignorance. When we were made homeless I was 25 and DH was 32. My cousin's Mum was in her 40's when they were all made homeless.

Just roll your eyes and move on.

I hope things pick up for you soon.

Firawla · 02/04/2011 20:46

There is nothing wrong at all with having children at 18 imo. It's a huge difference from a 13, 14 year old who can not support themself at all (even then if they have them I feel people should support rather than judge, sometimes these things happen)
I saw some of your other threads and I didn't even realise you were young, these things can definitely happen to anyone and you seem to be coping well, so I wouldn't let people's comments get to you if anyone judges your situation. You know you are doing the best you can and it's noone else's business. People will always find something to moan about anyway, so just ignore

LynetteScavo · 02/04/2011 20:55

Yep, anyone can fall on hard times.

It's happened to myself and several freinds, all for different reasons. BUT;
as WinterOfOurDiscountTents says;

"anyone can fall on hard times, but it might be the case that if you are older, establised etc, you stand a better chance of dealing with them. You're more likely to be better educated, more likely to have more work experience and higher earning potential and so on. You've got better prospects, on the whole."

I agree with this.