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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be quite shocked by a strangers reaction

37 replies

tifflins · 01/04/2011 15:51

So, I'm browsing in my local Boots and can hear a very young baby crying quite a lot whilst its mum is paying or sorting something out at the photo lab bit. After about five mins I see the mum push the pram into the baby changing/feeding room; she looked quite stressed (as one might under those circumstances). My heart really went out to her as I've been in that situation a few times with my 2 bundles of joy. I don't know why but I just felt like i wanted to help her (imagining her all fingers and thumbs with changing bag and screaming baby etc). I deliberated for a while then decided to poke my head in on her and offer my help. Well, I wish I hadn't, she reacted really badly, crossly stating that she was 'fine' and giving me quite an evil. I told her I was a mum of 2 and she angrily retorted that she was too. I'm guessing she felt patronised, but all I wanted to do was offer some help to another mum. Since when was it a crime to do that?!

OP posts:

JaneS · 01/04/2011 15:53

Some people might not like you seeing them breastfeeding? Maybe she felt that she didn't want a spectator when she was in a bit of a stress.

I expect she went home and realized you'd been trying to help, though. It was a really nice thing to do, she probably feels a bit crap for snapping but it's quite a normal human reaction when you're already in a mood.

nethunsreject · 01/04/2011 15:54

Ach, sorry your kindness wasn't appreciated. Probably to do with her state of mind and stressed out-ness at the time. Some people feel snappy or defensive if they think it looks like they aren't coping, when in reality we all have days lioke that when we have babies.

DOn't let it put you off doing it again - I am always glad of sympathy/empathy when I have a shit day.

Honeybee79 · 01/04/2011 15:54

Speaking as someone who is having a very bad day with her 5 month old, I can see that you meant well. But in those situations I think that most people would prefer not to have an audience and just get on with sorting the baby out. When my son is having a meltdown I would prefer to be left to it.

However, it does sound like she was a bit sharp with you. I guess because she was stressed.

jessicawakefieldismyeviltwin · 01/04/2011 15:55

maybe she didnt nees to be rude about it , but tbh i would find it a little bit odd if someone had done that to me. the fact that she had gone behind a curtain/ door , whatever, indicates that she wanted privacy. sorry - but i do understand you had the best intentions!

pjmama · 01/04/2011 15:55

It was nice to offer, but in her stressed state she clealy took it to mean that you thought she couldn't cope. Its always a fine line. I once offered an old spare tshirt to a lady who's toddler DS had been sick on himself and she was about to take him outside naked from the waist up. She bit my head off! I was astounded at the time, but when I thought about it afterwards she was probably just at the end of her tether, a bit embarrassed and wanted to get the hell out of there asap!

Don't take it personally.

emsyj · 01/04/2011 16:00

What could you have done to help her really though? Sorry if I am being dense, but unless you were going to feed and/or change the baby for her (thus suggesting she was incapable of doing so herself) what would you have done?

I wouldn't be rude to someone who did this to me, but I would think they were interfering a bit odd.

And saying 'I'm a mum of two' was clearly meant in a 'I've been there' sort of way, but could easily come across as 'I know better, cos I've got more experience dear'.

Sorry, you meant well and she could have been nicer about it but I wouldn't like it if someone did this to me.

Jins · 01/04/2011 16:03

I actually would have been a bit freaked by being followed into a changing room and offered help.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 01/04/2011 16:05

I think you were interfering. And patronising. I am sure said Mother was coping fine and resented the implication by your appearance that she wasn't

Nagoo · 01/04/2011 16:07

I would have felt patronised. How did you think you could help?

I realise that you were being kind, but I think that I would have seen it as a bit interfering.

Also when baby is hungry, I go a bit single-minded and nuts about having to feed her, so I might have lost all tact on her position too.

sorry OP.

pingu2209 · 01/04/2011 16:11

She has probably gone home and thought 'oh dear I may have over reacted'. It was most likely tiredness and stress that made her snap at you.

BringBackGoingForGold · 01/04/2011 16:20

I'm surprised at a lot of the reactions, OP. I agree that she probably felt defensive/frazzled and that's why she snapped at you, but I don't think you were being patronising or interfering at all. Good on you for offering to help, and I hope it doesn't put you off in future because someone might really need and appreciate your help.

alemci · 01/04/2011 16:27

I think it was nice of you to offer as well. A little kindness goes a long way.

welshbyrd · 01/04/2011 16:28

I was in a similar situation on a train a few months back, it was 9pm ish, the train service was crap due to frozen line, so journey took longer than usual.

Was a very young couple with a little boy, and a newborn, well barely a few weeks old, the baby was screaming, they were passing her between themselves back and forth, trying to get her to feed etc, quite clearly pulling their hairs out

I felt dreadful for them, having been in this situation myself, was so tempted to ask if they wanted me to help. I remember thinking aww should I? shouldnt I?
But then I remembered how I felt, when I was in this situation [screaming baby, stressed, close to tears]. I felt like a failure, at that time, had someone approached me offering help, it probably would have only confirmed to me, what a crap mum I was.
Total irrational thought, but the situation makes you think irrationally

megapixels · 01/04/2011 16:32

You were being nice. I'm sure she felt bad later for snapping at you. It's hard to know when to offer help to another mother. I've been there and always stopped short of offering because I am unsure about how it'll be construed :(.

diddl · 01/04/2011 16:34

Wouldn´t the time to help be in the shop with the crying baby though-not by following her into the changing area?

"imagining her all fingers and thumbs"?

I hope I wouldn´t be rude but would certainly think WTF?

How is she going to help me change/feed my baby & why does she think I can´t?

diddl · 01/04/2011 16:36

Forgot to say that I think YABU to be "shocked by her reaction"

Flowerpotmummy · 01/04/2011 16:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

animula · 01/04/2011 16:39

Put it away in your box of "unfortunate outcomes of a well-intentioned act".

Don't let it stop you offering help next time, though.

Was almost certainly something going on with her. who knows, tomorrow she may wake up and think "Oh, I wish I hadn't reacted like that." And maybe she won't think about it at all.

Point is, you meant well.

today is "Spread a little love Day" on mn. So I applaud your good aims, and your effort to reach out, and intervene with care in the life of another human being. Sad it went a bit pear-shaped.

As I said on the "Eccentric in Asda" thread - I'd have chatted. But there again, I'm not usually as stressed and feeling like a failure, judged by all as I remember being at particularly low-points in early motherhood - so am more open to others these days ...

Have a lovely rest-of-the-day.

bubblecoral · 01/04/2011 16:44

I can see that you were trying to do a nice thing, but can completely understand why she would feel that you were interfering, being a bit patronising, and interupting her while she was trying to get on with caring for her baby.

If she had been actively struggling to do something at the time, it would probably have been seen as very helpful.

diddl · 01/04/2011 16:45

OP-when she said that she was "fine"-why didn´t you leave it at that?

PaperView · 01/04/2011 16:52

I would have felt patronised too. The fact that you put your had around the curtain crossed the line imo. you could have asked from outside.

Also parenting skills are not ranked in accordance to how many children you have.

ANimula - are you new? we dont' "spread the love" here - we speak as we see it

cyberfairy · 01/04/2011 16:55

As a frazzled first time mum, mortified when baby has been kicking off in Sainsburies, the high street or wherever, I have felt so relieved when people have stopped to chat, talk about their experiences or give a smile and I would not dream of being rude-my faith in humanity has been restored thanks to the kindness of strangers. Mind you, not been told off by one yet!

MerylStrop · 01/04/2011 17:01

I know you meant well, but I think you overstepped the boundary between being helpful and being a bit weird, to be honest. She'd gone behind the curtain to do change the baby or breastfeed. What help did you were you going to give? I would have found it intrusive and it would have added to my stress.

thisisyesterday · 01/04/2011 17:06

when you offer to help someone you HAVE to be prepared for them to say no, and to be cross if they're stressed/find it patronising. I can totally see why someone would feel that way, perhaps she just felt like you thought she was incapable of going and feeding her crying baby.

I presume you don't only offer to help so that you can be showered in gratitude?

you offered, she declined.

you're overthinking it

discobeaver · 01/04/2011 17:06

I think if I'd been in the mum's situation, like others have said, it's a defensive reaction to snap and say you're fine.

Also if I had said 'yes I would like some help, thanks' I probably would then have cried, I usually cry if I am upset and people are nice to me. So that might have put me off accepting!

But I think it was genuinely good of you to offer to help.

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