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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be quite shocked by a strangers reaction

37 replies

tifflins · 01/04/2011 15:51

So, I'm browsing in my local Boots and can hear a very young baby crying quite a lot whilst its mum is paying or sorting something out at the photo lab bit. After about five mins I see the mum push the pram into the baby changing/feeding room; she looked quite stressed (as one might under those circumstances). My heart really went out to her as I've been in that situation a few times with my 2 bundles of joy. I don't know why but I just felt like i wanted to help her (imagining her all fingers and thumbs with changing bag and screaming baby etc). I deliberated for a while then decided to poke my head in on her and offer my help. Well, I wish I hadn't, she reacted really badly, crossly stating that she was 'fine' and giving me quite an evil. I told her I was a mum of 2 and she angrily retorted that she was too. I'm guessing she felt patronised, but all I wanted to do was offer some help to another mum. Since when was it a crime to do that?!

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 01/04/2011 17:10

hang on... where does the OP say she went behind a curtain?

it was a changing/feeding room... most of those are for use by more than one person at a time, and the OP doesn't say otherwise so i think it's a bit presumptuous to assume that she was out of order for sticking her head round the door.

I actually wanted to add to my previous post though, that OP shouldn't feel she can't offer to help people.
I have offered help to a mum of twins who was trying to feed them in Mothercare once. whichever one she fed the other one cried, so I held one for a bit and we had a nice chat.

so it is sometimes useful. but like i say, if someone says no that's the end of it isn't it?

MerylStrop · 01/04/2011 17:30

"I decided to poke my head in on her" ok maybe not curtain, but even so, bit weird actually.

I don't think the OP should be discouraged from trying to help other people (and there have been times when I have been so very grateful for people distracting my kids on train journeys etc) but it wouldn't be clear what help she could be in that situation!

ostracized · 01/04/2011 17:48

This has brought back a horrible memory - being in sainsbury's when middle dd was a tiny newborn baby and ds was about 2.5 - leaving dd in the arms of the security guard near customer services because ds was running out of the shop, to come back to a little crowd of gossipy judgmental customers who clearly thought I had just dumped my now screaming newborn, and a sheepish looking security guard who knew that he had agreed to hold the baby but who was now changing the situation into one where he "had to deal with it" in an unpleasant way. The lady who actually helped me to carry my stuff out of the shop when I had gathered both children and my shopping, I shall be eternally grateful to!
So I am trying to say it was nice of you to offer your help OP. Maybe once the lady had said she was fine, albeit unpleasantly, you should have left it at that :)

thisisyesterday · 01/04/2011 17:50

i don't think it's weird if it's a set-up like all the boots stores i have ever been in

they're generally a multi-use room. several changing stations and a bit to sit on while you feed, bottle warmer etc
it isn't individual cubicles, and thus other parents can come and go as necessary... so not weird at all for OP to put her head round the door.

Original poster

tifflins · 01/04/2011 20:30

Thank you all for your interesting comments.
It was indeed a big communal feeding/changing room that anybody is free to use. I wouldn't dream of poking my head around a drawn curtain or anything daft like that. Just to clarify the reason for stating I was a mum of two was in the hope that she would realise I knew what she was going through, certainly not in any competitive, weird way.

OP posts:

heliumballoons · 01/04/2011 20:40

YANBU. DS was screaming once in the supermarket and I mean blood curdling. He wasn't a screamy baby and I was really worried. I went into baby changing and someone came in to check I was OK. I was gateful as it turned out DS had a temerature and she showed me how to cool him, went and got me some calpol and was really helpful. (and I'm a nursery nurse so experience isn't everything)

So if that was you 5 yeras ago Thanks.

Original poster

tifflins · 01/04/2011 20:55

Ha ha heliumballoons, wasn't me that time :)

OP posts:

ragged · 01/04/2011 21:29

I suspect that she was just embarrassed that she wasn't managing the situation as well as she would have liked. And ended up snapping at you. Sometimes I snap at people who offer to help not because I am cross at them but because I am so cross at a situation that I can't fix easily (and their suggested solution isn't going to help, whole thing is all the more frustrating). Am not proud of that, it's a weakness of mine .

And you know that pre-parenthood assumption, "of course my baby will never screech inconsolably and annoyingly in a public place".

mamadoc · 01/04/2011 21:36

I had a bit of a dilemma like this recently but I decided not to do anything and I sort of wish I had still.
I saw a mum with a 2 yr old boy who had all her shopping in the trolley and was queuing to pay when he started to really kick off, massive, headbanging, screaming tantrum. She left all the shopping there and legged it out of the shop.
DD is nearly 4 now and she's largely stopped doing that but I have left shopping and run in the past because I couldn't face the screaming and the judgy people. I really felt bad for her.
Then it turned out we were parked next to her and I could see him in the car still kicking off and her with her head in her hands. I wanted to knock on the window and offer to sit with him whilst she paid or pay for the shopping or something. But I didn't in case she thought I was a loon or I made it worse.
So WWYD or what would you want in that situation?

ZenNudist · 01/04/2011 23:39

OP i dont understand people whose default reaction is testy and rude. In the same situation i would always be polite and grateful and id think about it afterwards and it would make me feel happy that people so obviously empathise. I think it was maybe a little misguided to offer to help because there isn't much you could do to help. Perhaps if you were there anyway with your own baby you could smile at the little screamer &try to distract them.

Mamadoc, there's not much you can do to help the woman once she had fled. Although a kindly word from a stranger could have made her feel a bit better but we are all so locked into our own 'bubbles' it would seem invasive to knock on someones car window to say something consoling or offer to help.

springydaffs · 02/04/2011 00:19

this is so hard to get right. MANY times I have wanted to help out in some way but never have for fear the mum will think I'm saying she's crap. Nothing could be further from the truth, I just remember what it was like and how sometimes you need another pair of hands. I'm sorry she was so testy OP, that was uncalled-for imo. It does put you off offering in future though doesn't it

iwastooearlytobeayummymummy · 02/04/2011 00:28

OP you were just being nice and she was probably feeling rotten tired and over stretched
Don't over think it.
next time you'll probably get a more grateful 'no thanks'
you sound lovely

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