I am so f'ing unpset right now!!

[babybumpx]

Talk about childish behaviour, you try to encourage your children to know right from wrong and make them apologise for their inappropriate behaviour and your penalized for it??

My DS1 of 6 had an incident the other day at school where he was involved in a little fight, the teachers dont inform us of this as they believe that it as been dealt with at school? My personal opinion is this is that I feel that is wrong, we as parents need to know if something like this has happened? So the following morning in the playground im standing there and I can hear clearly that my DS is being bullied, one of the other children said to DS that he cant play with all his friends anymore and if he does that means the "the bully" cant play with his friends, so I went over and asked "what is going on" bullying is not tollerated by anyone so stop now please" the little boy replied " my mummy said I cant play with DS and if he does then he's not allowed to play with his friends" I was upset about that to say the least, then I get to find out why this as come about and its because of the incident.

I instantly approach the little boys mummy ( the one that was the victim of the fight) to get all the facts straight, she informs me that it wasnt my son who actually hit anyone he was just cheering them on, that is what her son told her! So then i contact the little boys mummy (who told my DS that he cant play with his friends) to also find out whats going on) i ended hearing all different stories (headache)!! and so I decide to speak with the teacher at the end of the day, she informs me that DS did actually grab the little boy, so when DS came home from school we had a talk and yes that is what happened.

Also unfortunately that same day another child had grabbed my DS and another child, my DS's reaction was to grab him back! my DS told me himself, I wanted my DS to apologise to the boy the next day as it is not appropriate and I need to see that he understands this, as time out against a wall is not sufficient in my eyes. The mother was quite rude and abrupt, she said that this has been dealt with in school and that it is not necessary for him to apologise, my quick reaction to that was "well im his mother and id like him to apologise!" basically dont undermine my parenting!!! I'd like to think that im raising my son to know that you do not get away with this kind of behaviour!

Also this is a school that literally encourage our children to keep secrets from us as parents!?!

am I being unreasonable??

apologies for the very long and stressed post...phew glad thats finished with.

I remember the 'secrets' moment...

DS..."Mummy"
Me ..."Yes, DS"
DS ..." I made you a card today at school, it has an egg box daffodil on it. Mrs so and so said it was a 'secret' but I can tell you Mummy as we don't have secrets do we...."
Me..."No we don't DS."

like ILT says... maybe it was to do with mother's day gifts they'd been making

and she wasn't even saying it to your ds was she? she was saying it to someone else. perhaps it was part of a conversation you only heard a bit of?

Look my advice is leave play ground fights in the playground.
Listen to what your child says at home. If he mentions any fall outs monitor it from there.
If there is a radical change in his behaviour eg becomes withdrawn or reluctant to go to school probe it a bit more.
Listen to the teachers if they flag up any concerns.
Other than that butt out.

This is one reason why I said on another thread I didn't like to get involved with other school mums. Kids fall out and mums take sides. Kids make up and the mums are still daggers drawn.

My DS had problems with two lads in year 2.(naming calling and the like) We gave him some stragies.

My lad is now 6ft tall and year 10 and really good mates with these lads. They are in and out of our house all the time with bits of chain, inner tubes and the like for the BMX's.

I know two parents that still won't speak from a fall out in primary. The kids leave school this year! We all live in the same community FFS!

spot on upahill. Good post.

Good luck with the meeting OP. I hope it all resolves itself.

thisis yesterday....i heard the whole conversation is was about an incident that had happened with friends DS....I agree it could be about something innocent, still feeling slightly uncomfortable about it though.

upahill, I do agree with you totally, like I said before I only reacted when I heard what the boys were doing to DS which then left him looking very sad and sorry for himself, after listening to you all I did react in a very protective/sensitive way.

Ive never experienced this before and didnt like it, plus my own childhood doesnt give me much to draw on so I have to rely on instinct which isnt always right hence all this drama

well if you listen in on other people's conversations then this is what you get!

Babybump believe me I know it isn't easy not getting involved.
There have been times with DS1 where I have wanted to jump in but it's not doing anyone any favours.

You'll learn to gauge it with time.
Take it easy.

well the meeting went very well, I have learnt a valuable lesson and will know for next time :)

They know me as a mother and totally understand why i reacted in the way that I did and that is was the goodness of my heart and with good intentions.

They have assured me that my DS is absolutely fine, even better he received an award today for his excellent work and behaviour, the headmaster has only ever given out two of these.

I am a very sensitive parent, who unfortunately doesnt have much positive memories of the parenting I received so its pretty much text book parenting!!

babybump.
I think most of us just muddle through the best we can.
Like I said before give yourself a bit of breathing space.

One thing I keep telling myself is that this years problems won't be next years.

What I mean by that is things that seem absoultly major - like your stuff today- will be forgotten about this time next year (it'll be something else instead but you know what I mean!!)

I'm glad it went well babybump.

It is very hard not to transfer our own childhood experiences onto our childrens lives and indeed onto the way we parent.

As upahill says most of us muddle through.

One thing I would also add is that clearly your son is a good kid so don't feel like you have to demonstrate that to other mums in the playground or demonstrate that you are a good parent. In a sense who cares what they think, particularly if your son is only behaving in a typical 6 year old way.

I dont think you were over reacting at all.
the school should have told you what happened if your child was involved.
you have a right to know what happened to your child or what they did, it could affect life at home or elsewhere if your child was to meet these other children in the street or park, it could have escalated outside of school.
I think it was a very good thing to get your son to appologise, it shows he knows right from wrong and how people should be treated, it should help to develop respect and concern for other people's feelings.

I also think it was good to get your ds to apologise - nothing wrong with that. In fact I think the school should be getting the children to apologise to each other perhaps after their punishment of facing the wall. I also think it was ok for you to want to know what's going on when you over hear something like that but perhaps talk to your ds and the teacher about it first rather than talking to the other mums as the others on here seem to think that can be a bit OTT and I have no experience of it. That way you can find out what's gone on and then make a judgement about whether anything else is necessary.

in my epxerience, of parents telling parents (I am not a parent at the moment, but my memories of me being bullied and my mother going to school and also trying to go straight to the parents of the children involved) - it seemed to be a lot better when my mum went to the parents straight away as my school didnt aknowledge bullying or any kind of fighting went on in the school, so didnt deal as best they could have with issues like that.
when my mum went straight to the parents involved, it seemed everything sorted itself out.
(although I am not strictly saying this is the only thing or the best thing you should be doing, not all schools deal with fighting or bullying in the same way)

Thank you, DS was a little upset this morning as his friends run away from him, so he stayed close to me but then he saw another little friend and stood with him, this time I just said its ok baby, dont worry you'll be friends later why dont you ask them to play?

AccioPinotGrigio - Thank you, I do struggle sometimes, not passing on my own childhood experiences but with knowing whats the best way as I was in the "care system" as a child which wasnt very steady or consistant, hence the text book learning...fortunately I do have people who I can turn too when needed but it explains my over sensitivity sometimes.

Ive learnt this week to not be so rigid and scared all the time as im actually not helping my son, so relax and enjoy is now what im going to try and do :) they say ignore the little things and reward the positve...I am a great believer in that.

Thank you all again, even the harsh, straight to the point ones ;-)

You did well this morning babybumpx.

I'm glad your meeting went Ok too.

I think parenting in general, for most of us, is one huge learning curve with the odd dip where we fall off...but it's getting back on that curve which is the 'test' of us really.

You got back on...

Thank you, like all of us, I do want the best for him emotionally and mentally, being a mum/dad is the hardest thing we could ever do! but by far the most enjoying.