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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to go to DP's friends for a "holiday"

27 replies

Sickofthesnow · 31/03/2011 20:31

DP and I have half a dozen kids between us and circumstances mean that they all live with us. He works and I deal with the childcare on a daily basis - all the usual stuff, washing cooking cleaning etc etc. Thats fine by me but the SC can be demanding and hard to deal with at times due to their past when they were living with their mum.
so I get grief and stress day to day but treat all the children as "my" children -as in they all get treated the same and all have a fair amount of one to one time, love and attention etc.
But I'm KNACKERED. It's hard work and although I wouldn't change being a SAHM for anything (I love watching my children grow up) I feel like I need a day off now and then but i don't allow myself because housework piles up as you can imagine with 6 children.

So with Easter break coming up the chance has arisen for us to get away for a few days. We only have a small window because the SC are going to their mums for a few days. Originally Id said to DP that it might be an idea to visit his mate who lives more or less in the middle of nowhere and leads a very different life to us.
But the more I think about it i'm not too keen on taking the youngest (16 months) to somewhere that the guys will want to go camping, and hillwalking for hours. It wouldn't bother me so much if I was some place busy and had lots to do but as it stands I would be either struggling to deal with her in a pram - on rocky hills and sleeping in a tent,,, or stuck in a strangers house for hours on end having no real holiday at all.

I've said as much to DP and also the youngest is on a special diet (allergies) so I would need to plan and pack a lot more food than normal. I've said I'm not so keen on spending the whole time trying to entertain her someplace where there is not so much for her to do like there would be at home.
I've also said if he's got his heart set on it, then he should just go ahead and arrange it and take the older children and I'll keep youngest here. I'm quite content at the idea.
But he's had a strop about the whole thing because it was originally my idea.
Has said I need a holiday too and that its not fair if its only him that goes

I can't see how going to a strangers house, to spend a few days following his strict regime of hill walking, hiking, fishing etc (because thats how he plans DPs visits) - is going to be a holiday?

I would rather just stay at home with the baby and enjoy a bit less noise. But DP has gone right off on one with me about it.

Am I really being that unreasonable?!

OP posts:

ChaoticAngelofDenial · 31/03/2011 20:47

YANBU You'll get more of a break if you stay at home with the youngest than if you go.

If you do end up agreeing to go though you need to make it clear to your DP that he needs to alter the strict regime to make sure that he spends time with you and also that he takes the kids with him on the times he goes out to give you a break.

suburbophobe · 31/03/2011 21:00

Oh, stay at home with your youngest and wave the rest off on a nice hill-trek!

You deserve the break!

I find it strange that your dp could imagine that it could be in any way fun for you to stay in a tent and hobble up a hill iwth a pram with such a young child, maybe he just doesn't want to be responsible without you being around?

PeterAndreForPM · 31/03/2011 21:02

yanbu

let them go off walking up hills and shit

stay at home and snuggle your baby

MotherNight · 31/03/2011 21:05

Yep, let them go. Stay at home and enjoy a quiet house :)

MCos · 31/03/2011 21:05

But it WAS your idea. And now that it has been arrange with your DPs friend, you have gone off the idea. So I can imagine why he had a strop now that you have throught it through..

BabyDubsEverywhere · 31/03/2011 21:07

It sounds like he cba to look after the kids to me

MillsAndDoom · 31/03/2011 21:08

I once heard someone say that holidaying with young children is the same old jobs but in a more inconvenient place where they haven't got their home comforts - this seems particularly to be the case for you.

Original poster

Sickofthesnow · 31/03/2011 21:09

MCos its not been arranged yet. It was just an idea we'd talked about as he'd been saying to his friend that he would try get up to visit him sometime soon.

I can see why he's annoyed if I'm saying I would like a break but then deciding not to go if thats what gets arranged but it wouldn't be so much of a break. It was a good idea originally until the finer details were talked about.

OP posts:

Nagoo · 31/03/2011 21:12

Can you think of anything you would like to do as an alternative? It sounds like he wants you to have a proper break and is frustrated that the original idea isn't working out.

squeakytoy · 31/03/2011 21:25

Just tell him it will be a holiday to you, being at home with no-one else to disturb you, and you would really really enjoy it.

2rebecca · 31/03/2011 22:07

What alternative holiday is there where you can all be together? He maybe wants to spend time with you. I'd tell him you now don't think the original idea would be much of a holiday for you.
You are going to have loads of kids for several years though so will have to find some way of having holidays with kids.
Will it be more restful for all of you to stay at home?

ZacharyQuack · 01/04/2011 05:18

Can you get him one of these and wave them all off on their hike?

Bubbaluv · 01/04/2011 06:04

I'm with Zachary - my first thought was get a backpack! They are great!
Make sure your Dh carries it though.
I assume he lives somewhere rural? Lots of open space? = kid heaven in my books. My DS loved that kind of environment at 16 months - waddling round for hours on end and totally wearing himself out in the fresh air.

SuchProspects · 01/04/2011 07:10

I agree with Zachary and Bubbaluv though that a 16 month old could have a great time in that sort of environment and a backpack is a great way to enjoy the great out doors with a child that age. We took our kids rambling in Wales in back packs at that age and everyone had a great holiday (though I'd still prefer two days at a fancy hotel with a creche :) ). Camping with little kids is great so long as you actually like camping yourself. For me it would be a question of how much of the childcare and child wrangling DP is likely to do.

You really need to emphasize to him that a holiday for you is someone else doing the childcare, location isn't really a big factor.

SandStorm · 01/04/2011 07:40

Yanbu to not want to go but, as has been said, you are the one who made the initial suggestion. Your DH has obviously taken this idea and run with it in his head and even though nothing has physically been arranged, you changing your mind has clearly upset all the plans he had. I'm not surprised he's disappointed.

I think you need to think things through properly before suggesting them in future.

Bubbaluv · 01/04/2011 07:51

If the backpack could mean Dh and his friend take the kids off for hours at a time and you can stay home for a quite cuppa and a good book would that be agreeable for you?

Bubbaluv · 01/04/2011 07:51

Quiet cuppa I mean. Doh

Chandon · 01/04/2011 07:54

not your question OP< but somethig I noticed.

You are a SAHM looking after your and his children, are you married? If not I really hope you have a good living together contract, because if not you have put yourelf in a very vulnerable position if he should ever leave! You have the responsibilites, he has the income IYSWIM. Sorry to stick my nose in, just picked up on that(I am in a similar position and I have the car and our savings in my name). You don't need to answer me, just want you to think about it, if you haven't already!

As to the hol. it was your idea. Stick with it now and try to have a some proper time off for yourself at a later date.

2rebecca · 01/04/2011 08:05

Perhaps her bloke would rather stay at home with no kids or just 1 kid and wave the OP off with the kids?
I'd be annoyed if my husband suggested we all go off somewhere and then said he just wanted me to go with most of the kids whilst he stayed at home.
The bloke maybe finds the hiking with kids idea stressful as well, and he's the one with a job so maybe more in need of a break.

Bubbaluv · 01/04/2011 08:09

Got a helmet handy Rebecca?

plopplopquack · 01/04/2011 08:17

I don't blame your bloke for being a bit annoyed seeing as it was your idea but if you've explained that you've realised it will be a pain in the bum he should understand that. Do you even manage to get out on your own for the day? Leave your partner with the kids for a break? I don't get the chance often but you must really need it with 6 kids!

Original poster

Sickofthesnow · 01/04/2011 13:38

Thanks for the replies folks. I really appreciate peoples input. I know I suggested it and backed down on the idea.And I've apologised for that and explained it seemed like a good idea at the time until I tried to think about the minor details.

We're not married no, but everything goes into a joint account and we pay out bills, shopping etc from that then buy what needs to be bought for kids and the rest gets saved. Works out fine for us and we have a nest egg for any rainy day situations.

2rebecca - are you for real? "he's the one with a job" is right yes, but his job is a walk in the park compared to managing 6 children on your own day in day out with all the usual breakfast, school run, nursery run, lunches, dinners, baths, washing, ironing, cleaning etc to fit into the mix. I DO enjoy my life but it doesn't come without the stress and he openly admits that going to work is like a break for him so no I don't think he is in more of a need of a break.

Poppplopquack (love the username btw!) No I don't manage to get out on my own. When it came to taking on the SC - cant go into details much but it was a swift overnight change to us all living together - I didn't hesitate and I don't regret it one bit because we have wonderful children that we are really proud of. But I did more or less give up everything and my social life is non existent at the moment. So I don't get out away from the kids at all unless its a trip to the supermarket.

OP posts:

plopplopquack · 01/04/2011 16:47

2rebecca Maybe her bloke is more in need of a break?! She has 6 kids to look after.

2rebecca · 01/04/2011 17:14

So does he. I presume he comes home from work and they haven't vanished somewhere. They chose to have more kids together after they got together by the sounds of things so having 6 kids was their choice. They could have just decided they had enough between them (as bloke and I did with 4 between us). If we'd gone on to have 2 more we couldn't really say "poor us we have 6 kids isn't life hard".

BringBackGoingForGold · 01/04/2011 17:23

YANBU and 2rebecca, there's no doubt at all that the OP (and her DP) absolutely love the kids and love having them, but that doesn't mean she doesn't need/deserve a break sometimes. Having a break and recharging might make them both feel more like having holidays with the kids in the future, and enjoy them more.

OP, if you don't want this 'holiday' (and it doesn't sound like my idea of the best fun on earth either), stick to your guns and have a quiet one!

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