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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to tell DH I won't be alone with his family

49 replies

deliakate · 31/03/2011 18:40

DH's family come to stay for the weekend (read Thursday to Monday) maybe six or seven times a year, and we go down to see them around three or four times. In the past, DH and his father have always headed out to play golf for five hours or more on at least one of the days, leaving me alone with his mother. And they usually arrive and leave when he is at work, so there are quite a few hours I am alone with them then.

Our relationship has never been great, but really deteriorated the last time I saw them, as I was suffering from ante-natal depression, and MIL doesn't "believe" in mental illness and told DH I was just not making enough effort. DH stuck up for me, and told her she would have to button it if she still wanted to spend time with us, and she accused him of blackmailing her.

So, from now on, I really just don't want to be alone with them to put up smilingly with all the pointed questioning (they don't approve of so much that I do, and its exhausting to constantly have to diplomatically deal with this). They also take over the kitchen for their whole visit, even bringing their own dishcloths because mine aren't the right kind, and when DH isn't there, it gets unbearable, and I feel like I should stay in my bedroom. I am just not strong enough to deal with these very, very forceful people, and need DH's support.

So aibu to ask that he is around when they are, so that they can't get pissy with me for not having proper fish knives, or not being able to find the instructions for the iron, or having two pushchairs (the extravagance!)? etc ad nauseum???

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 31/03/2011 18:44

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LindyHemming · 31/03/2011 18:45

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Dozer · 31/03/2011 18:47

Yanbu: his family, he should be there!

LindyHemming · 31/03/2011 18:50

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Lookandlearn · 31/03/2011 18:50

He should be there.

tadjennyp · 31/03/2011 18:52

Yanbu. My MIL used to bring her entire cleaning kit with her. It is so infuriating, isn't it?

ratspeaker · 31/03/2011 18:53

If they dont like your stuff why dont they go stay in self catering accomadation?
Does your DH know how much their weird behaviour upsets you
And it is weird
I'd never ever think of taking dishclothes to someones house!

You have enough to cope with , get him to talk to them now.
They are not treating you or your home with respect

Mare11bp · 31/03/2011 18:53

YADNBU.

An intolerable situation, and they sound just like my in-laws. Luckily I don't have to put up with them the same way as you do, so I agree, for your own sanity, make your own arrangements with DC or leave them to babysit.

You have PND, you really don't need this, health first.

ENormaSnob · 31/03/2011 18:54

Yanbu

if they carry on I would suggest they stay in a b n b and dh can see them there.

Ephiny · 31/03/2011 18:56

YANBU, in fact I would not have them in the house at all!

StayFrosty · 31/03/2011 19:04

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ZombiePlan · 31/03/2011 19:05

While you're at it, get your DH to call them on their rudeness. Where do they get off, criticising everything down to the cutlery and dishcloths fgs. Not acceptable to behave like that as a guest in someone's house. Even if you are faaaamily and therefore feel entitled to be as rude as you please...

fuzzywuzzy · 31/03/2011 19:11

You know, I'd change tact. They turn up with dishcloths & a burning desire to iron & cook, leave them to it.

I'd arrange me time during their visits.

I'd be off out with friends or doing something I really want to do every single day of their visit. I'd arrive home whenever, ask what was for supper & murmur oh dear didn't manage to clean under the fridge today then?

I really would!

atswimtwolengths · 31/03/2011 19:15

Deliakate, do you feel you are still suffering from PND? I think their behaviour is outrageous and would be very difficult for anyone to deal with, never mind someone who's feeling fragile.

Would they look after your children whilst you go out? They could take them out for the day and give you time to go fish knife shopping.

CatHerder · 31/03/2011 19:23

Well the visits need to be much less frequent. And shorter - Fri-Sun at the most. And they can't arrive on Fri till after your dh gets there. And he and FIL can't go golfing unless they take your MIL and dcs too. And if your MIL complains/asks why, your dh can explain that she has been so rude to you that you don't want to be alone with them. On the Saturday, you get to go off for 5 hours by yourself - it is definitely your turn.

And then when they are with you, your dh, or you, needs to pick them up on every single rude comment or action.

Did you mean to say that out loud?
That was very rude! Shock Did you mean to be rude?

Seriously. Set boundaries. Call them on their behaviour. It doesn't sound like they like you anyway so you've nothing to lose. If you're lucky they'll go off in a huff.

Or can you just send your dh and dcs off to see them? And have a nice weekend to yourself?

clam · 31/03/2011 19:44

Drop into the conversation that in polite circles fish knives are considered terribly common.

Gotabookaboutit · 31/03/2011 20:30

I'm with fuzzywuzzy - I'd be passive aggressive and or out. Anyone wants to clean in my house - they can knock themselves out.

Gotabookaboutit · 31/03/2011 20:32

Oooh and if I have he wrong dishclothes/cleaning stuff - then could they buy me some ??? I love being in your face, over polite and a bit thick - :)

Piggyleroux · 31/03/2011 20:33

Yadnbu. I have the same problem. I make dh take annual leave when they are here.

Ragwort · 31/03/2011 20:34

Totally agree with fuzzywuzzy and gotabook - let them get on with it; I appreciate it can be hard; I remember my first Grin Mil offering to iron my DH's shirts - I was terribly offended and said, of course not. Years later I now realise that my reply should have been ' thanks very much, and here's my clothes that need ironing'.

Good luck. Smile

Mishy1234 · 31/03/2011 20:35

YANBU. It seems to me that you see them quite a lot (almost once a month?), which is quite a lot if they don't live close by.

I think it's time your DH went to visit by himself if they can't be civil to you.

HecateTheCrone · 31/03/2011 20:37

I wouldn't have people who treated me like that in the house at all. And if my husband insisted, on the grounds that they were his relatives, I'd book myself into a hotel for the duration.

Life's too short to have horrible people in it.

LoopyLoopsChupaChups · 31/03/2011 20:38

Just say no.

Seriously, if they want to visit, they can stay nearby in a b&b or holiday cottage. When you go there, find a nice holiday cottage and turn it into a lovely holiday.

SarkyLady · 31/03/2011 21:00

What Hecate said.

2rebecca · 31/03/2011 21:54

It sounds as though you see way too much of them. I wouldn't want them round whilst he is out, and would shorten it to Fr-Sun and if he plays golf with his dad his mum has to go too. I'd say that I found bringing their own dishcloths rude and suggest they went to a b&b some time.
Having a job and hobbies that keep you active at weekends is a good excuse to avoid endless visits and being visited.
I'm never sure how some of you have time for these endless visitors.