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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to tell DH I won't be alone with his family

49 replies

deliakate · 31/03/2011 18:40

DH's family come to stay for the weekend (read Thursday to Monday) maybe six or seven times a year, and we go down to see them around three or four times. In the past, DH and his father have always headed out to play golf for five hours or more on at least one of the days, leaving me alone with his mother. And they usually arrive and leave when he is at work, so there are quite a few hours I am alone with them then.

Our relationship has never been great, but really deteriorated the last time I saw them, as I was suffering from ante-natal depression, and MIL doesn't "believe" in mental illness and told DH I was just not making enough effort. DH stuck up for me, and told her she would have to button it if she still wanted to spend time with us, and she accused him of blackmailing her.

So, from now on, I really just don't want to be alone with them to put up smilingly with all the pointed questioning (they don't approve of so much that I do, and its exhausting to constantly have to diplomatically deal with this). They also take over the kitchen for their whole visit, even bringing their own dishcloths because mine aren't the right kind, and when DH isn't there, it gets unbearable, and I feel like I should stay in my bedroom. I am just not strong enough to deal with these very, very forceful people, and need DH's support.

So aibu to ask that he is around when they are, so that they can't get pissy with me for not having proper fish knives, or not being able to find the instructions for the iron, or having two pushchairs (the extravagance!)? etc ad nauseum???

OP posts:

chipmonkey · 31/03/2011 22:06

They sound horrible. My MIL is critical of everything I do but she has yet to bring her own dishcloths! I would either make them stay in a B+B or go off to a nice hotel yourself for some pampering!

rookiemater · 31/03/2011 22:09

Sorry completely off topic but my Dad is somewhat unaware of others feelings. He came to visit on my birthday 9 days after DS was born. It was not an easy time, BF was hard due to Ds's tongue tie, I was finding it hard to be a mother. DH made them lunch and Dad spent the entire bloody lunch bemoaning the fact we had no steak knives and how could any reasonable person live their life without steak knives. He did the same thing to my cousin when they visited her two weeks after her H walked out and spent most of the visit complaining about her lack of decent mirror in the bathroom.

Some people are completely clueless, and yes its up to your DH to sort out a solution.

NellieForbush · 31/03/2011 22:14

YANBU. I had to make it very clear to DH that when his Mum visited for a week he was expected to be here to look after/entertain/taxi her. Not escape to work every day while she drove me mad.

He took annual leave...

BelleDameSansMerci · 31/03/2011 22:16

Aren't fish knives terribly common?

Seriously, I'd take the opportunity to leave the house to them and go out. Do you trust them to babysit?

Tee2072 · 31/03/2011 22:18

Stop being diplomatic. They aren't why should you be?

Guacamole · 31/03/2011 22:24

YANBU... My DH never takes time off when his family insist on inviting themselves Thursday-Tuesday on a fairly regular basis. His family are incapable of entertaining or looking after themselves in any way and I'm therefore left to entertain either his parents, or his sister or all three.
I've pointed out that he would not like to be in that situation with my family, so why put me through it. Unfortunately he's not man enough to tell them to visit at our convenience and doesn't have enough leave to take for their 'holidays'.
Sorry... Can you tell I'm annoyed with DH and that my in laws arrived this afternoon for another one of their long weekends?

2rebecca · 31/03/2011 22:37

Why don't you "man up" and ask them to come for a shorter period? I'd be threatening to leave for the long weekend if my husband did that to me with his relatives. I'd tell him "they are not coming whilst you aren't in the house, if you invite them for a long weekend and don't take annual leave whilst they are here again then I am going to a friend/ relative/ b&b for the duration as I am not a servant".

FriedSpamButty · 31/03/2011 22:47

Probably a radical suggestion Guacamole but next time they plan to visit tell your DH you are spending time with your own family and can make no time for his. As many times as is necessary. Over and over.

Make him get the dates of his family's visit and book leave in advance. And make it clear that if he has to cancel his leave that you can't step in to cover and they will have to entertain themselves.

Your good nature is being taken advantage of. I have made it clear that I have no good nature - when they are trying to take the piss - so they don't even try!

Isthreetoomany · 31/03/2011 22:49

YANBU, I also have a MIL who brings her own dishclothes, and her margarine as well (what on earth is wrong with our margarine?)!

ZacharyQuack · 01/04/2011 04:51

At least that's Christmas presents sorted for them - alternate fishknives and dishcloths (the wrong type) each year!

Jacksmania · 01/04/2011 05:03

WTF is wrong with these people???

PenguinArmy · 01/04/2011 05:17

6-7 times a year! I wouldn't have different people that many times a year

hairfullofsnakes · 01/04/2011 05:23

Why do they come and stay with you so much? If these visits are so awful do not have then stay! They are rude and have no right to be do disrespectful to you, especially in your own home. Please do not keep putting up with this - life is too short to have to deal with so many visits and stay overs by people who are so rude to you.

You need to lay down some rules, especially about respect in your own home. I'm sorry but you let them walk all over you and you need to stop letting them do that. Do it now and don't waste another minute allowing such toxic behaviour in your life.

TechnoKitten · 01/04/2011 05:30

Also thanking for a fantastic MiL - but also about your husband who allows his family to treat you like this in your own home?

Get him to tell them 1) they're not welcome for so long 2) or so often 3) not at all if they continue to be rude to you and 4) here are some hotels/B&Bs in the area which probably have both fish knives and the correct dishcloth.

As he probably won't (and you won't want to tell them yourself and look the Bad Guy) then you either have to decide to bite your lip and suffer (not recommended) or take the advice earlier and go stay in a B&B yourself every time they visit.

ZombiePlan · 01/04/2011 11:03

But why should she have to leave her home so that her obnoxious ILs can take it over? I totally get that it would reduce her stress levels, but her DH really shouldn't permit a situation to arise where his wife moves out of the marital home because his family make it so uncomfortrable for her to be there. Who pays the mortgage - him and his wife, or his family?

Eglu · 01/04/2011 11:09

YANBU at all. They need to visit less often and as others have said only Fri-Sun.

Underachieving · 01/04/2011 11:42

YANBU

They are treating you with no respect whatsoever. It is your home, it is your life. I'm with Hecate on this, I would not have them to stay.

I've been in several situations like this, sadly for me it is my own family who are mostly toxic, my partners family (even his ex wife) are all nice, respectful people. What I've had to learn the hard way is, there is no dealing with people who wont offer you respect as an equal.

Forgetting all the horseshit about fish knives and pushchairs the really important thing they have invalidated you over is your mental health condition so lets put this to rights so you don't keep blaming yourself...

The existance of mental health issues is a scientific FACT. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder for example shows up on MRI scans. A part of the brain called the hippocampus actually visibly shrinks when experience of war or other equally severe trauma becomes too much for a person to cope with and they develop PTSD. Brain wave patterns in depression are different to brain wave patterns in people who do not report depressed feelings. Babies who spend thier early lives in SCBU's have different risk levels for attachment disorders and autistic spectrum disorders and we are still looking into exactly why. You get the point. Mental health is MEDICINE. It is studyable, investigatable, provable to an extent and real. It is as real as asthma, appendicitis, colic.

In fact, colic isn't even provable at all. No conclusive scientific evidence yet exists to show us what colic even IS! As for asthma, it's unreliable, some patients get asthma attacks brought on by a specific trigger one day but not another day. We don't know why people get appendicitis enough to predict who will be next or prevent it.

But we know what depression is. We know how it affects the brain. who is at risk, what the statistical success rate of any given treatment is, how different treatments work best for different patients. Oh yes. Depression we know about.

So your mother in law is talking out of her arse. To invalidate you no doubt.

You can't do a damn thing about a woman like that except keep her in her place, by not letting her be in yours.

NotYourPrincess · 01/04/2011 13:14

Gosh, great post Underachieving - not much to say after that, though I want to add my voice to all the others saying to just ban them from your house.

Though, I am a hard hearted bitch and very intolerant of my MIL since her treatment of me when I was in the depths of PND.

Miggsie · 01/04/2011 13:18

As your DH and FIL obviously took up golf to avoid your MIL on a regualr basis I suggest you take up golf and go with htem, or go somewhere on your own. If your DH and FIL can spend their tiem not being with your MIL it is not unreasonable for you to want to do the same thing?

MizzyDizzy · 01/04/2011 13:22

YANBU.

My PIL's only visit when DH is here, their choice...it's been that way for over 20 years...they come to see DH and the GC's not me...I am just a pleasant addition to their visit.

I actually really like my PIL's but would defo' find having to entertain them by myself rather difficult to say the least...let alone dealing with a difficult MIL like yours by myself!

lucysmum · 01/04/2011 13:29

wow you see a lot of them ! do you see as much of you family. I would just say you need more quite time as a family and have them to stay less often for fewer nights - guests like fish stink after a couple of days

2rebecca · 01/04/2011 17:57

I don't agree with the fish analogy. My relatives live some distance away and I'm happy to see them for 1 or 2 weeks. We get on though, no unit of relatives visits more than twice a year and they pull their weight, often cooking dinner if we're working etc.
I'd refuse to wait on any relatives if able bodied, but also not let them "take over" and rude relatives would only get invited in small doses occasionally and I would tell them if I thought they were being rude and demanding.

libelulle · 01/04/2011 18:05

I think we must have the same in-laws...I can only sympathise! Do you know, we actually own two car seats - for two children. Oh, the extravagance. The saving grace in my case though is that neither DH nor FIL like golf.

Seriously, I wish I knew what to advise - forceful and difficult in-laws (or MIL in my case) are a nightmarishly tricky thing to deal with, and although I have no good advice I do send you my best wishes!

northerngirl41 · 01/04/2011 18:08

Number 1) Tell MIL that fishknives were actually considered nouveau riche in the Victorian age because inherited sets of cutlery did not have them, only bought ones

Number 2) I'd be telling DH that if they're coming, I'll be going to take a very nice break, so he'd better book some time off work to look after the kids and his parents by himself.

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