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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or is this mum being a bit 'precious'

69 replies

LoveLeonardCohen · 31/03/2011 15:21

Ok I'll try to keep this short.
My DS (3.5) goes to a little nursery, it's quite small and there are only 2 other older boys (4). Anyway DS started off being quite friendly with both of them but then, for some unknown reason, has decided that he doesn't want to be friends with one of them. Anyway my DS has picked up some words, such as 'shut up', 'idiot' and 'mr poo poo', 'mr wee wee'....which is frequently embarassing for me but essentially I feel quite harmless. And sometimes he has hit out.
At the school gates outside, sometimes when this boy says, 'hello.....', my DS says, 'hello mr poo poo'....not in an angry or malicious way but sort of laughing like he thinks it's funny. I have noticed that my son has not wanted to play or be friends with this boy and I did ask why, but I can't really make sense of what he's saying. However, i think that you know whatever, these things will happen, and I have said ' you don't have to be friends, but be kind' etc etc...
Ok...so today the mum sent me a text saying can she talk to me. I rang her and she said she's upset because my DS said 'poo poo' to her DS (Oh my god as i'm writing this it sounds ridiculous)...she's concerned about the way my ds is treating her DS etc and so on. I said ok I can only try and keep bringing it up with my DS (which i do anyway).
BUT.....AIBU to think that some boys of this age do go through a stage of saying poo poo and wee wee and think it's funny. And that they will wrestle and hit each other. I have other mum friends with boys who don't mind at all if our sons have a roll around and pretend fight (as long as it's no scratching or grabbing at faces). AIBU to think that when our DS's start school this is something they;ll have to contend with on their own?
What if anything can I do about it, the more I draw attention to these words the more my DS annoyingly thinks it's funny. Now I just feel so uncomfortable with this other mum. Then again my DS is my eldest, I don't have experience of 3 yr old boys.....AIBU or is she??

Sorry long post about something a bit trivial really

OP posts:

Sportsmum · 31/03/2011 15:59

Not really - he's 3.5 - it's called reverse psychology - or playing them at their own game. If you've tried everything else and it's not working - what have you got to lose?

Original poster

LoveLeonardCohen · 31/03/2011 16:00

Thanks Hully I do feel a bit upset (but it's not about me) just you don't want to think of you're own child as being a 'bully' or something to that effect. Maybe I didn't take it serioulsy enough before....my DP always saying 'oh it's not a big deal'...but i have to deal with it. I'm definately coming down on any 'bad' words. TBH it is quite mortifying and I'd hate to think this other child is really upset

OP posts:

Hullygully · 31/03/2011 16:02

All our kids have ishoos or difficulties of one kind or another, LLC. We basically have to bash manners, sense and empathy into them whilst being humiliated and mortified along the way...you'll get used to it!

Just be pleased you aren't an old smuggo who thinks their kid can do no wrong and DOES produce a monster..

BarbaraBar · 31/03/2011 16:02

He "wins". He gets to use a word his parents have told him not to use and which he thinks is rude/naughty.

I agree with Hecate and Thomcat. I have 2 small boys and have used the methods both Hecate and Thomcat describe.

SenoritaViva · 31/03/2011 16:05

LoveLeonard - don't be mortified, your son is still trying to experiment with social norms, what's acceptable, what's not etc. So, this is your opportunity to show him and teach him that this is not acceptable.

I agree with others about there being a consequence.

I work in a school and recently had to deal with 8 year olds being distressed that someone had said child X had red bogies. They were offended. You have to take children's feelings seriously and if they don't like being called a name then even if it appears trivial to us we shouldn't make light of it.

Personally I don't see any problem with children laughing at poo and wee (DD nearly 4 thinks it is hysterical) but I would come down hard with consequence if she used it to name call.

You can turn this opportunity into a positive learning experience and seem like the kind of concerned parent who will do so.

bumblingbovine · 31/03/2011 16:06

You know what I think hard punishment for this sort of this is way over the top and actually might not work with some children anyway.

I would make this a game. You are the adult there and maybe you could help both boys to deal with this. The next time your ds calls any one something rude (including you). I would say something like " Well it is all very well sayin "poh poh head" (or whatever) but you must never ever ever say (think of any word that is not rude but a bit unusual- eg bouncy balla or something equally silly).

They will look a bit confused but they should soon catch on and you will end up with both of them shouting bouncy balla or something similar at you. to which you need to reply " oh no don't say such a rude word etc" and cover your ears. The whole thing becomes a game and it is diffused with both children joining in the game at your expense. you do need to be prepared to play the game quite a lot as your child (and probably the other one as well when he sees it) gets you to play it regularly.

I used this idea with Ds loads when he was doing this sort of thing and although we are still having other behaviour issues he has definitely stoped the silly talk.

On the play fighting that is difficult as lots of children (especially boys) seem to do this. I would watch and if it seems to be getting out of hand. If it seems to be crossing the line to real gighting and anyone is getting upset, I might intervene with a comment to both of them along the lines of a playful "Why don't you both pick on someone your own size and hold up my hands as if to fight" Then I say "that's if you can catch me!" and run away. They will immediately stop fighting and chase you. You do need to get involved in their play a bit and it can be tiring but less tiring than constant telling off.

Original poster

LoveLeonardCohen · 31/03/2011 16:08

Thanks senoritaViva....I can see there is a difference between saying poo and wee and calling someone a name....I just have to teach him and not be so laissez-faire

OP posts:

Skinit · 31/03/2011 16:12

I agree BarbaraBar....very confusing for the child.

bronze · 31/03/2011 16:19

Don't just come down on him though. Find out why hes calling the boy that. My ds1 went through a stage of shouting go away smelly at a certain boy and everyone thought my ds1 was horrendous. I started really watching and it turned out that everytime the boy thought noone was looking he would pinch ds really hard. Ds1 was just reacting in the only way he knew how that wasn't violent

insertfunnynicknamehere · 31/03/2011 16:21

I dont think it is confusing..the word itself is not offensive but the act of repeatedly calling one person this word is bullying and it will only get worse if YOU dont stop it...no silly games, no tiptoeing..just plain stop it...

Hullygully · 31/03/2011 16:22

I have to say Bronze, I did wonder if there might be a reason. A discreet chat with the nursery staff?

MIFLAW · 31/03/2011 16:25

Nothing to do with boys, it's children, isn't it?

She sounds a bit odd. Do you happen to know if she has a lot of cuddly toys on her bed?

Original poster

LoveLeonardCohen · 31/03/2011 16:32

I don't really know what's happened but my DS has decided he doesn't want to be friends anymore with this boy. He did say something about a game in nursery but tbh I couldn't understand it.

OP posts:

Hullygully · 31/03/2011 16:37

Talk to the staff, LLC. Maybe there was a game he didn't like that has put him off this boy.

ragged · 31/03/2011 16:44

I can't believe she arranged a meeting about it.
Sorry, am in the YANBU camp.
But if she's that bothered I'd just keep my boy well away from her and explain to my boy why she had to stay away from him unless he can find some self-control.

As for what's happening in nursery time, the Nursery staff have to deal with it.

Original poster

LoveLeonardCohen · 31/03/2011 16:54

Have just spoken to the nursery manager and she said that they all get on well in nursery. So maybe this is some 3.5 yr old disagreement that no one can really understand.

OP posts:

mummytime · 31/03/2011 16:59

I think she is being over the top.

But I know you can do something to stop your son saying these things all the time. I started being an "ignore it and it will stop" parent, and I didn't really object to the word "bum" until DS started school and started to use it 100 times a day.

Then it became one of our forbidden words (along with stupid, idiot etc.). My kids know these words are forbidden because I don't just say "That's not a nice thing to say, it doesn't make other people feel nice"
I stop what I'm doing and say a sharp "No." Followed by a calmer explanation, if necessary. They will also be made to apologise to the person they insulted or me.

Now actually bum isn't really on the list anymore, but if it annoyed me it would get put back on. I can cope with 5 minutes of dinner table discussion about poo or snot, but insulting others is not allowed (and boring me with too much of it isn't either).

WriterofDreams · 31/03/2011 17:00

Hmm good point about there being some sort of history to this name calling. Perhaps it would be wise to tell your son that it is ok not to want to play with someone but that calling them names isn't the way to go about it. He's very little and so doesn't have the skills to deal with this so you need to teach him.

nancy10 · 31/03/2011 17:02

If your ds is constantly calling this boy names and it's upsetting him then yes it's bullying. The mother may have spoken to you more because it's upsetting her son then what is actually being said. It may seem sweet at 3.5 but it won't be as he gets older. It's not a boy thing. All children at some point probably say things that we don't like but they need to be corrected. I agree with what others have said about talking to the Nursery Staff and agreeing on an effective and fair form of discipline to help him understand.

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