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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or is this mum being a bit 'precious'

69 replies

LoveLeonardCohen · 31/03/2011 15:21

Ok I'll try to keep this short.
My DS (3.5) goes to a little nursery, it's quite small and there are only 2 other older boys (4). Anyway DS started off being quite friendly with both of them but then, for some unknown reason, has decided that he doesn't want to be friends with one of them. Anyway my DS has picked up some words, such as 'shut up', 'idiot' and 'mr poo poo', 'mr wee wee'....which is frequently embarassing for me but essentially I feel quite harmless. And sometimes he has hit out.
At the school gates outside, sometimes when this boy says, 'hello.....', my DS says, 'hello mr poo poo'....not in an angry or malicious way but sort of laughing like he thinks it's funny. I have noticed that my son has not wanted to play or be friends with this boy and I did ask why, but I can't really make sense of what he's saying. However, i think that you know whatever, these things will happen, and I have said ' you don't have to be friends, but be kind' etc etc...
Ok...so today the mum sent me a text saying can she talk to me. I rang her and she said she's upset because my DS said 'poo poo' to her DS (Oh my god as i'm writing this it sounds ridiculous)...she's concerned about the way my ds is treating her DS etc and so on. I said ok I can only try and keep bringing it up with my DS (which i do anyway).
BUT.....AIBU to think that some boys of this age do go through a stage of saying poo poo and wee wee and think it's funny. And that they will wrestle and hit each other. I have other mum friends with boys who don't mind at all if our sons have a roll around and pretend fight (as long as it's no scratching or grabbing at faces). AIBU to think that when our DS's start school this is something they;ll have to contend with on their own?
What if anything can I do about it, the more I draw attention to these words the more my DS annoyingly thinks it's funny. Now I just feel so uncomfortable with this other mum. Then again my DS is my eldest, I don't have experience of 3 yr old boys.....AIBU or is she??

Sorry long post about something a bit trivial really

OP posts:

insertfunnynicknamehere · 31/03/2011 15:40

TBH if my child wa being called names by yours and you stood by doing nowt, youd be getting far more than a phone call from me....

Clytaemnestra · 31/03/2011 15:40

Replace "Mr.poo poo" with "Mr.Shit" - then see if you think it's as harmless. It's the intention behind them which is important, not the actual words. In essence he laughed at the boy and called him names and this is obviously an ongoing thing. I'd be a bit upset if it was my son. It's not about the words he's using, it's that he sounds like he's picking on this other boy.

Thomcat · 31/03/2011 15:41

My DD has SN's and when she gets stressed, tense, worried, irritated and so on she'll call another child an idiot, or say 'go way, don't like you'. SN's or no SN's she is always, and I mean always told that that is not nice, we don;'t use those words and then I tell her the correct thing to say. If it's possible and the child hasn't moved on etc I will ask her to apologise. She has to learn that that calling people names is unacceptable. I have a 3 yr old too and I would expect a lot more of her tan to call someone a silly name, esp if it happened more than once.

Lancelottie · 31/03/2011 15:42

And beware of telling him that 'we don't hurt our friends'. We don't hurt other people, not just the ones we happen to like.

It's just silliness but it still needs stamping one.

Original poster

LoveLeonardCohen · 31/03/2011 15:43

To be clear...I do tell my DS off when he says these things obviously

OP posts:

Hullygully · 31/03/2011 15:45

LLC - but are you telling him off for the words, or their direction and intent?

cantspel · 31/03/2011 15:46

Just telling him off is not working as he clearly is taking no notice of you.
You need to find a punishment that is going to make him relies his behavior is not acceptable to you and others.

FollowMe · 31/03/2011 15:46

I think you are right that its a phase that a lot of children go through and I've got 2 DCs who both think its utterly hilarious to say poo poo, so I do know what you mean.
If my DCs say it a lot in a silly way to each other and giggling at each other then I dont always tell them off. I feel that its sometimes best ignored.
If either of them said directly to another child 'hello mr poo poo' then I would definitely say 'No! thats not nice' for a one off.
If it was persistent, and particularly if it was persisitent to one particular child then I would step up the telling off and warn them that every time they did it they would be punished (and then I'd punish with either time out or taking away something)

I think you cant stop your son thinking these words are funny, but you can stamp out behaviour that could potentially become bulying behaviour when the chiildren become older. (Your DS is too young to be bullying right now, but If you dont make it v clear now at age 3 that this kind of behaviour is not acceptable, then he may well carry on doing the taunting and winding up other kids thing when he is older and then it will be seen as bullying)

HecateTheCrone · 31/03/2011 15:47

I think that you keep doing what you are doing - tell your son that calling people names is wrong.

Perhaps introduce a punishment. If he doesn't care about the feelings of others, perhaps the temporary loss of something he likes will modify his behaviour.

Because he has to care about other people's feelings! ok, he's only 3.5 now, but when he's 5, 10? If you don't put in the groundwork now then at what point will you? Ignoring it, downplaying it - would be the wrong thing to do, imo. Each and every time should merit a telling off and insistance from you that he says sorry.

Even if he doesn't mean it.

And yes, I know that's unpopular. Apparently these days people don't have to consider the hurt feelings of others as good enough reason to apologise, but call me old fashioned, I still think it's good manners

If someone feels bullied - and it sounds like the other child feels bullied - then you don't have the right to dismiss that.

and you certainly need to stop the hitting. Don't see it as playfighting. If you do, then you are dismissing it.

You also need to consider how other people view him. His words and actions will be judged by others, even at this age. People are generally very unforgiving of kids who say mean things or bang their own children on the head (trust me I know this! Both my children have autism and other parents didn't really think kindly of mine or give a flying fart about their autism when they were busy comforting their child after mine whacked them on the head!!) You either come down hard, make the behaviour that hurts or upsets others an actual important thing in your mind and teach your son that there are consequences, or he continues to think that he can do what he likes as long as he's having fun.

It's never too early to start working on shaping them into a considerate person.

TheSecondComing · 31/03/2011 15:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hullygully · 31/03/2011 15:50

Well said, Hec

Original poster

LoveLeonardCohen · 31/03/2011 15:50

Hullygully, I tell him not to call anyone 'mr poo poo' because it's rude and not nice to call his friends names

OP posts:

Hullygully · 31/03/2011 15:51

Okey doke. Maybe you need to work on building the relationship with the other child then? Could you have another chat with the other mother and ask her about going to the park or something where you can both keep an eye and be encouraging about playing nicely?

Chil1234 · 31/03/2011 15:52

So you agree now that the other mum wasn't being 'precious' to call you about it....?

Original poster

LoveLeonardCohen · 31/03/2011 15:52

Oh well that's me throughly told . clearly it is a big deal

OP posts:

BornAgainDomesticGoddess · 31/03/2011 15:53

YABU. Name calling is never nice.

BarbaraBar · 31/03/2011 15:53

mr poo poo isn't very nice but "idiot" is vile.

colditz · 31/03/2011 15:53

Ok... but it's not working.

so next time, you say "If you call ANYONE Mr Poopoo again, you will lose XTreauredObject/Activity for the day!"

And sound cross!

Sportsmum · 31/03/2011 15:54

Sometimes with children of this age, the more you tell them that something is not nice or rude, the more they say it, in order to get a reaction.

Friends of ours told their DC that they didn't mind what he said, as long as he never said, "Rule Britannia" - well that was like a rag to a red bull - all poo poos and wee wees were replaced with the forbidden phrase - it worked a treat.

Hullygully · 31/03/2011 15:54

Don't be upset LLC. It's not that it's a huge deal, it's just that people are imagining it from the other mother and child's point of view and expressing that. You had the good sense to wonder if it was a big deal or not, and the main concern is that it doesn't BECOME one in the future.

Having kids is demn hard..

Hullygully · 31/03/2011 15:55

Brilliant idea, Sportsmum.

Flowerpotmummy · 31/03/2011 15:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thomcat · 31/03/2011 15:56

It's about respecting others, whatever age. Playing a game and being silly with each other and using silly words in play is one thing, and even then I'd probably step in then and say 'no, no, we don't use those silly words please boys', but calling out 'mr poo-poo' on several occasions to a child isn't nice and in my opinion, if that was my child, I'd be teaching them that it's just not what we do.

BarbaraBar · 31/03/2011 15:57

But if you do a "rule britannia" then the child is using a word you've said is rude/he mustn't use. Defeats the object surely?

worraliberty · 31/03/2011 15:58

I do think he's old enough now to be punished if he deliberately carries on. I know if he continued to do that in the nursery of my son's school, he'd be kept back for 5 minutes while his friends went out to play.

Can you think of a suitable punishment? Obviously not a big one, but something that'll make him realise what you say goes?

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