DP's male "friend"

[slippyslap]

Am I being unreasonable

I thought I would come on here for some female views

I have been with DP for about 18 months. We split up for a few months, but got back together and all is and was well, very well in fact. we treat each other really well and I really think we have agood thing going and we could really have a future, apart from one thing that just grates on me - a male "friend" of hers. She is a member of a badminton club where there are obviously male and female members. She has introduced me to a number of her friends both male and female and I got on with all of them very well - they are a good bunch and all very easy going. meeting up with them made me think even more of DP seeing her socialising and having fun. Then one evening when we were all out another male member of the group came along. Again had no problem with him, but over the next few weeks he started to have a problem with me. I had noticed that he wouldn't really talk to me as the other guys had and i had got along with, but just put it down to the fact that we hadn't really had an opportunity. I kept it to myself and didn't want to rock the boat. i wondered whether it was all in my head.

Unfortunately, things got worse as he would really be off with me even though we had never really had a conversation. The other thing is that DP gets on really well with him and they always end up in conversation just the two of them for what seems ages. It got so bad that I mentioned it to another of her friends, who told me that they had a bit of a fling whilst we were split up. although no one has said anything I get the feeling that he still has feelings for her and he would flirt with her in front of me. at every opportunity almost as if he was goading me, although she did not appear to flirt back.

It got to the point where I had to say something and DP told me he was jealous because she wanted me and not him. I can thoroughly accpet that from her as everything about her behaviour tells me that she loves me and we have a really good time together and a good relationship. The best I have ever had. Her friends think it is really obvious that he still has a thing about her.

We started to fall out about his behaviour because I wanted it to stop and felt she was in the better position to put him straight. Anyway, I backed off as it wasn't worth us falling out about it. she said he is just a "friend". perhaps to her he is, but I think he wants more and is just playing the "friend"

I have no problem about her going out with friends and think she should but it really grates on me if I know he will be out with them when I am not, but I suffer in silence. I want to say something to him, in a reasonable way, and sort it out, but I worry that DP will be upset with me and it will blow out of all proportion, which is probably what he wants. On the other hand I don't think she has actually put him straight.

I think that unless she actually does tell him where to get off I will eventually explode.

They are all going on a sports weekend away together and he will be there and to be honest it is driving me crazy, although DP doesn't know it.

Am I being unreasonable to feel this way?

I don't think you are being unreasonable, simply because of the weekend away, it's not the same as someone at work or something. however I don't know what you can do about it, if you say anything to DP she may take it as mistrust in her.

I don't think you are, no. If she knows that he wants to be with her and is jealous of you, then she really needs to put him straight that it's never going to happen, and I think she needs to minimise one-on-one interaction with him.

I have nothing against opposite-sex friendships, and indeed my best friend is a bloke and (until he moved) we'd often go out for dinner and wine just the two of us, without his partner or mine minding. But if there was a hint that he was jealous of my husband, or wanted to fuck me, the whole dynamic would have changed.

I don't think you should be talking to him, though. Really the issue here is that she isn't willing to put up boundaries with this guy, and if she's serious about you, she does need to do so. It sounds like you trust her, but want to feel that she has your back, is that right?

You need to talk to her about how you feel and tell her that you are now aware of their 'fling'. YANBU

Hmm, I think if you say that you are aware of the "fling" you will tip the boat over let alone rock it!

I think if roles were reversed I would tell her that he clearly (to you) has feelings for her and that it is causing a problem both for you and him because of the animosity that he clearly feels for you as the interloper. I'd tell her you can understand why he feels this way because in his position you would find it really difficult, but if she could talk to him about it it might make things easier.

However!... Are you sure they had a fling? Is it possible he doesn't like you because of things that she said about you when you were split?

What was the cause of the split, by the way? It could be relevant, I'm not just being nosy.

Thanks all for the input

Perhaps I shouldn't have described it as a split as such. Not sure what esle to call it. We hadn't been seeing each other long. she said she was getting feeling for me, but hadn't been out of a realtionship very long and wan't ready. Then we met about a year later and it was full steam ahead.

I don't actually know she had a fling with this guy, it is just what I have been told and I'm not about to go investigating

I hope you are not going to explode.

What is it exactly that you want her to do?

If you're so sure about her and feel relatively good about this relationship and how she feels about you, what is it that is worrying you about this man? What is it that is worrying you about yourself in comparison to this man?

Why are you kind of half believing that she had a fling with him during the year when she may or may not have considered herself in any sort of relationship with you?

You have control over how much you allow this thing to corrode the relationship, because it is your thing.

Do you not trust her then?

Because it doesn't matter what he feels, thinks or wants. If she wants to be unfaithful, she will and if she doesn't, she won't.

He can't control that,

Neither can you.

What confuses me though, is why you are concerned because surely if she wanted to be with him she would have been. So why did she get into a relationship with you instead?

She had the choice did she not?

She chose you.

So what if he's pissed off about that?

If you trust her to be faithful, then you don't have a problem. If you think that she is the type of person who would go behind your back and shag about, then this bloke is really not your problem!

Either way - he is irrelevent.

My understanding is that it's relevant because the other bloke is being rude to the OP, in front of his partner, also flirts with her openly, and instead of demonstrating that she doesn't think it's appropriate, she's having long conversations just the two of them.

Irrespective of whether there's a fling in the past, I think I'd be hurt if a woman took a shine to my husband, flirted with him a lot (even one-sidedly) and was openly rude to me, and he didn't do anything to show that he had a problem with her behaviour. It's just a respect thing.

What I got from his posts is that the man's rudeness is really not the issue here. I realise the other bloke is rude, but my understanding is that the OPs actual fear is that this man will eventually somehow persuade her to sleep with him etc. He gives out a real fear - although he says that he isn't worried about that and it's all one sided. That is what I got from his posts and that is why I made my point. Although it is only 7 am and I am typing this inbetween harassing the kids into getting dressed so there is every chance I am reading something that simply isn't there.

I assume that a grown man is capable of telling someone to wind their neck in if they are being rude to them, so really that only leaves the fear that his girlfriend is going to swing from the chandelier with this man at the first opportunity.

And if the reason that he won't tell this bloke to wind his neck in is because he has genuine fear that his girlfriend will come down on the side of this bloke against him - that comes back to his secret fear, imo. That she thinks more of this bloke, that he is more important to her, than the OP is.

but like I say, 7am, 2 stubborn kids...

and not enough coffee!!!

I think you and your partner need to discuss this fully and openly. Tell her using I language "When you talk with him for so long I feel insecure." "I worry that if we had a row, he would offer you a comforting shoulder and try to steal you away."
If she loves you she will take your feelings seriously.

My DH has had women make passes at him, we have dealt with this with honesty. It will happen in life, its how both of you deal with such situations that determines if a relationship survives. Getting angry or exploding won't help.

I don't get your problem. Why not just trust her?

I had a issue a few years ago where at one point it became clear a good male friend of mine had feelings for me (of course it was obvious to DH, then DP before me). He had no issues with it.

The only time DH mentioned it to me was when we inevitably started falling out and I mentioned it as possibility, that's when he told me he had thought this for ages.

I love the fact he felt no need to bring it up and trusted me. If he had reacted like you, I would have been very angry and upset with him.

I think I agree, Hecate, actually. I think you're dead on with this:

And if the reason that he won't tell this bloke to wind his neck in is because he has genuine fear that his girlfriend will come down on the side of this bloke against him - that comes back to his secret fear, imo. That she thinks more of this bloke, that he is more important to her, than the OP is.

That said, I also think that if someone was flirting with my husband and being openly rude to me, although I wouldn't be worried that he'd be interested, I would expect him to be the one to start putting up boundaries, as a mark of respect for me. To continue to be great friends with someone who is that rude to your OH is a real red flag, I think.

She can't control if he fancies her or not. She may well know he does but she has choosen you. Why are you letting him ruin your relationship? Why are youdo threatened? You need to trust her, it shouldntmatter what hedoes or says you should feel secure in your relationship that it does not affect you.

This is your problem, not hers.

Do you really think thatno-one else is ever going to fancy her?

Tortoiseonthehalfshell has hit the nail on the head!!!!

Obsolutely what my problem is. I don't mistrust DP in the slightest. I just want his behaviour to stop. What is driving me crazy isn't the fact that I think she will act on his flirting, but his behaviour and that I'm not sure how to approach it.

But why does his behaviour trouble you? He is not flirting with you after all.

Why do you want his behaviour to stop?

What do you think is going to happen if he doesn't stop?

Then speak to you dp, ask if it bothers her and if she would like you to talk to him.

I think the problem with the OP telling the bloke to wind his neck in is that he's not part of the group and perhaps doesn't want to cause tension with the rest of the group.

For me this wouldn't be about lack of trust with the partner but more of respect. She knows this other man fancies her and may well have had a fling that is over but by spending so much time having one to one conversations with him is sending mixed messages to him. She may well have told him that nothing is going to happen but if she always spends more time chatting with him as opposed to other members of the group then he is still going to be hopeful. He also may well try and engineer more one to one with her when OP is around as a two fingers up to him.

To be honest, to an extent I think they are both rude and disrespectful to you.
He because he is rude, and openly flirts with your girlfriend in front of you, and quite frankly, it is obnoxious and insecure behaviour.
She, because she knows how he behaves to you, yet still let him monopolize her in front of you with long meaningful conversations.

I am surprised, if you are so in love, that the two of you spend so much time with this group now that she has you? Should she not want to be romantic and want time alone with you? Rather than "shine" in her group of friends and parade her new boyfriend like a trophy? Does she actually secretly enjoy this situation? Dream situation for many (young) women to have TWO men fighting for her attention. It really increases her standing in the group!

What is driving me crazy isn't the fact that I think she will act on his flirting, but his behaviour and that I'm not sure how to approach it.

I really think the only person who can do that is your OP. If you say anything to him it will probably make him worse. She needs to either speak with him and make it very clear that nothing will ever happen or she needs to deliberately avoid a lot of conversation with him or preferably both.

Even if you totally trust her, that's not the point. The point is that one of her friends is rude to you and disrespectful of your relationship - that's not acceptable and she shouldn't accept his treatment of you.

If you're in a partnership with someone, you put that person first and you make sure that everyone else in your life treats them with respect, or ships out. I couldn't bear for anyone to treat my DH or my marriage with such disrespect, because they mean something to me.

So maybe have a talk with her, tell her that you totally trust her, but this is about respect for you and about valuing your relationship.

A few thoughts -

Human nature being what it is, your girlfriend probably likes the attention she gets from the bloke. Also, it would be an uncomfortable conversation for her to tell him to back off.

However these long conversations are a bit out if order.

I suggest you beat her at her own game. You need to create the feeling in her that you won't put up with being played off against someone else.

Must be done very, very subtly through behaviour, not words.

Hopefully this will make her ditch the other bloke and focus on you.

Personally I wouldn't bother with heartfelt conversations about feelings. They are what they are, you can't change them. You don't want to appear a wimp.

Have to say if is a little odd that it is your DPs friends who you seem to be finding all your information from.
You say that things are great between you but you cannot communicate with her directly.

If you address your issues with your partner openly instead of canvassing opinion from her friends (not sure why they are involving themselves either TBH) you might be pleasantly surprised that things don't 'blow up' & she might respect your directness? Hope things get resolved for you both.

I would actually time how long that they spend talking so you know whether it just seems like a long time or not. When i got with my DB he was part of a group and i felt that some of the women overstepped the mark and were rude to me. He said quite clearly that he wasn't going to fall out with anyone for a new relationship (he had been badly hurt in the past and 'the group' got him through it. But i still set bounderies about what i would put up. As time passed he took my feelings on board. He had nothing more to do with a very good friend because she couldn't accept that we were a couple. As he said, she wasn't a friend if she deliberatly was causing upset in our relationship.

It depends on your feelings towards her whether you take other posters advice and not communicate, most women want a man who does. Think about why you split up last time, was it communication issues.