DP's male "friend"

[slippyslap]

Am I being unreasonable

I thought I would come on here for some female views

I have been with DP for about 18 months. We split up for a few months, but got back together and all is and was well, very well in fact. we treat each other really well and I really think we have agood thing going and we could really have a future, apart from one thing that just grates on me - a male "friend" of hers. She is a member of a badminton club where there are obviously male and female members. She has introduced me to a number of her friends both male and female and I got on with all of them very well - they are a good bunch and all very easy going. meeting up with them made me think even more of DP seeing her socialising and having fun. Then one evening when we were all out another male member of the group came along. Again had no problem with him, but over the next few weeks he started to have a problem with me. I had noticed that he wouldn't really talk to me as the other guys had and i had got along with, but just put it down to the fact that we hadn't really had an opportunity. I kept it to myself and didn't want to rock the boat. i wondered whether it was all in my head.

Unfortunately, things got worse as he would really be off with me even though we had never really had a conversation. The other thing is that DP gets on really well with him and they always end up in conversation just the two of them for what seems ages. It got so bad that I mentioned it to another of her friends, who told me that they had a bit of a fling whilst we were split up. although no one has said anything I get the feeling that he still has feelings for her and he would flirt with her in front of me. at every opportunity almost as if he was goading me, although she did not appear to flirt back.

It got to the point where I had to say something and DP told me he was jealous because she wanted me and not him. I can thoroughly accpet that from her as everything about her behaviour tells me that she loves me and we have a really good time together and a good relationship. The best I have ever had. Her friends think it is really obvious that he still has a thing about her.

We started to fall out about his behaviour because I wanted it to stop and felt she was in the better position to put him straight. Anyway, I backed off as it wasn't worth us falling out about it. she said he is just a "friend". perhaps to her he is, but I think he wants more and is just playing the "friend"

I have no problem about her going out with friends and think she should but it really grates on me if I know he will be out with them when I am not, but I suffer in silence. I want to say something to him, in a reasonable way, and sort it out, but I worry that DP will be upset with me and it will blow out of all proportion, which is probably what he wants. On the other hand I don't think she has actually put him straight.

I think that unless she actually does tell him where to get off I will eventually explode.

They are all going on a sports weekend away together and he will be there and to be honest it is driving me crazy, although DP doesn't know it.

Am I being unreasonable to feel this way?

YANBU to feel the way you feel. BUT you can't get sucked in to this guys game. I wouldn't be surprised if he's trying to get you to react so that you end up pushing your DP away. As long as you are calm and dispassionate about expressing your views to your DP and then leave it at that, you will have done eveything you can. As other posters have said, your DP will make her own decisions - you can't make her decide what you want. The more secure you are in yourself the more certain it will be that your DP will make all the right decisions.

Good luck:)

I would not make it into an issue between yourselves, you trust her, don't you, it is his problem.

Is she aware of this guys feelings towards her? As a guy you can read the signs of another mans interest that as a woman she just sees as "friendly" behaviour, and if she did have a relationship in the past, they probably have some shared history and mutual friends that they talk about. She sees it as being friendly whereas you "read" his behaviour.
Don't let it become an issue because that would be playing right into this guys hands now wouldn't it?

As she leaves for this weekend, give her a big kiss and tell her how much you are going to miss her (perhaps put a soppy note in her luggage to that effect) Give her a wink and tell her to behave with all those hunky men!

slippy, tbh, I think probably your DP doesn't realise how much this bothers you, kinda like the attention, and hasn't thought too much about it.

I mean, everyone likes being flirted with, right?

But it has clearly got to a stage where you are thinking about the future (18 mos is that kind of point) and it's bothering you. I'd do what oldwoman says re: the weekend - don't say anything beforehand, let her go feeling warm and fuzzy about you.

Then plan to sit down with her, pref some evening when neither of you has been drinking (bitter experience!), and be very straight with her. If she is that great, she will listen. You might say something like,

'I don't want to interfere in your friendships, ever, but sometimes your behaviour with X makes me feel insecure for Y reasons. Also, I feel like he is quite off with me and it's pretty embarrassing being treated like that in front of everyone. I think we might have a future and I want some sense from you of whether X does mean anything to you, other than as a friend.'

Good luck!

Frankly I can't imagine myself being comfortable hanging out with a former fling or male friend or whatever who is constantly flirting with me and who I know is jealous of my partner. I'd want to tell that friend to grow the hell up, or back the hell off. In fact, I've done that -- just cut contact with someone who couldn't understand I'd moved on with my life and refused to be civil both to and about my partner (always making snide remarks and putting my partner down when he wasn't around).

For that reason, if I were you OP I'd be questioning whether you really want to be with this woman? Are you a sucker here? Or does she clearly not see how this other guy is acting? If she sees it AND puts up with it even though she know it upsets you, then I'd be looking for the door if I were you. Life's too short to be with someone who doesn't respect you.

Oh, and this whole bit about "she doesn't know" "she can't see it" "she enjoys the attention" is BS in my opinion. Women have for many many millenia been able to read a man's intentions. She's either fooling herself, or is selfish and immature. Make it clear to her so she can't miss it. If she continues to whitewash it, then you know where you stand.

All bets are off, of course, if you're one of those controlling types who can't stand it if his partner even looks at another man

It strikes me that if the OP's girlfriend is serious about a relationship with the OP, then she should tell this other guy he doesn't have a chance.

In the OP's shoes I'd feel as though my DP wasn't playing with a completely straight bat here, but was keeping her options open. Or perhaps she just likes the attention and validation from having this guy still in love with her. But either way I'd be a bit pissed off, as it suggests the girlfriend is not completely willing to show a commitment to the OP. To my mind the issue is the way the girlfriend is handling this, and the fact that this other guy is being rude and snotty to the OP just makes it worse.

How about you join the badminton group?

'I get the feeling that he still has feelings for her and he would flirt with her in front of me. at every opportunity almost as if he was goading me, although she did not appear to flirt back.'

It is really important to separate out what you feel is happening from what is actually happening.

Is he goading you, either fully or almost?

You are coming across as a bit creepy, saying you might explode, and that this situation is driving you crazy.

I am getting the feeling here that this is an issue of turf; you feel he is horning in on something that is yours and you are allowing yourself to be made miserable by this other man despite the fact that basically your DP or GF does not flirt back and seems to really love you.

No matter what, she is not your property and other men are not necessarily your rivals for some prize. I think you really need to wind it in.

Don't talk to him - he'll then be in a position of power where he could twist what you say and either tell her or others something untrue. Don't give him the satisfaction of knowing you are concerned - then he may think he has a chance.
I'd take your partner out and just try to broach it with her in a funny friendly way. Maybe smile and say how much you are going to miss her and how you know it's silly as she'll never do anything but it does niggle at you that this guy will be there, like a vulture, ready to pounce on her on this weekend. Just try to keep it jokey and light hearted. Doubtless she will reassure you but then on that weekend, when said male is looking hangdog or vulture-esque she will be able to see it and inwardly giggle at how right you were. It should put her off him a little if she sees him as pathetic
Just don't make it an "issue", is the main advice though. You don't want him, of all things, coming between you.

I don't have much to add by way of advice but just wanted to say that I don't think you're being unreasonable, and I don't agree that you come across as creepy.

If you're being honest in your OP (and I've no reason to think you're not), your issue is not about thinking that your DP is "your property," it's about feeling that your relationship with her is not respected by someone that she chooses to spend a significant amount of time with, and being hurt and annoyed that she doesn't seem willing to address this with him. I would feel the same way if one of my DH's female friends treated me this way, and I'm well aware that DH is not my property and can be friends with whomever he chooses.

Maybe you could clarify what you mean by "I will eventually explode," though - I read that as a figure of speech about no longer being able to keep a lid on your feelings and having to say something to DP or the friend even though you're trying not to. Mathanxiety seems to have read it as a more sinister implied threat toward your DP and/or the friend. To be fair, it could be read either way so maybe you'd like to make your meaning a little more clear.

By way of advice, the only thing I'd suggest is that if you do raise it again with DP (and I don't know if you should but I know that I would have to; I can't stand to have unspoken tensions or resentments between me and DH.), use lots of "I" statements and be willing to be vulnerable:

I feel that our relationship isn't being respected when I'm ignored by [friend].
I'm hurt by the fact that you haven't stood up to [friend] for our relationship.

Maybe even

I feel threatened by the fact that you seem to get on so well with someone who clearly dislikes me.

Avoid saying "he should", because your DP is not responsible for the friend's actions, and avoid saying "you should" because it's true that this is your issue, and it's not her responsibility to sort it out nor is it your right to tell her what she should do.

But even though it's not her responsibility, she might choose to try to sort it out if you're honest with her about how it makes you feel. That would be about her love and respect for her partner, not about your control over her friendships or her actions.

Oh I didn't think you were creepy either. I also read it as you would say something that you perhaps would later regret.

Woman know when a guy is interested in them and ieven if they aren't, it is very ego-boosting. Please don't say anything to him; for one, the group may close ranks around him (even if they agree with you) and secondly, if it were me I would be annoyed that my DP felt that he couldn't trust me, which is what saying something would mean.

I'd be supportive of her going away and do what others have suggested: sit her down, explain that you trust her but the man's behaviour is upsetting you as it's rude and embarassing in a group. Perhaps suggest that maybe you guys spend time together as a unit as you understand he is her friend and you want to get on with all her friends.

Oh, and YANBU

YANBU. I know the feeling. DH had a friend in a group situation who blanked me at our wedding. She was all over him and ignored me and I was the bride! DH brushed her off and kept his hands in his pocket. She sent him a text saying she had been thinking about him when I was 8 months pregnant. She edged me out of the circle shape we were standing in, in a pub, inserted herself between me and DH and put her fingers between the buttons on his shirt. HER BF was in the circle too but seemed oblivious. There was no history beteen her and DH, he didn't seem to particularly like her but they moved in the same circles and she was used to be the only "girl".

I told DH how her behaviour upset me and he totally took my side and understood. He ignored enough texts and FB requests for her to get the message. I trusted DH but did not like the way she didn't acknowledge our relationship or marriage and seemed to think she had first dibs over me, his wife!

So OP, YANBU. There are some really unscrupulous people out there and your DP needs to show where her loyalties lie. She doesn't need to end the friendship with him, but she does need to draw up a few boundaries for him so he "doesn't get the wrong idea". She does need to show you a bit more loyalty IMO.

Your DP seems like a bit of a cow, tbh

I say this because if the sexes were reversed and this was a woman posting that her bloke was allowing another woman to flirt openly with him, whilst acting like an arse to his female partner, we would say he was a twat

it works both ways

doesn't it ?

Thank you to all for your comments/advice I really appreciate it.
Apologies to those who had queries that I have not answered sooner. I occasionally have to work nights and have been catching up on sleep.

No I do not regard DP as my property or get controlling or possessive if she looks at any man. She has a number of male friends, one in particular who I think is a great guy and is a very good and genuine friend to her. I don't mind one bit and often ask after him of if she has heard from him.

Yes when I say I feel like I will explode it's not that I would do any harm just an expression that I feel it's all getting too much.

Yes I do feel that I cannot say anything to him myself because I am the outsider as far as the group are concerned and it would give him an opportunity to twist anything I say to others. I am not saying he would, but then again I'm not sure - I could easily be portrayed as the bad one.

To be charitable to him, I find her attractive so why shouldn't he? He obviously has feelings for her. If they are rejected then he must feel awful and I have become the target. I know its not me personally .But he needs to be put right for his own sake too.

Then end result I would like is that we could all get along, I just had no idea how to approach it, but perhaps that's asking to much

Join the badminton group? No rugby is my game I wouldn't have a clue. Anyway that's DP 's space. thanks for the humour injection though.

Oh and I don't think I am creepy.

Thanks again and there is certain advice I will definitely be following.

YANBU. If this friendship seems off and makes you uncomfortable, she should respect that and cool it. Probably she just keeps it going as his flirting makes her feel more attractive and she might like the attention your jealousy give her.

Maybe she just really values the friendship, in the past I have ignored flirting as I really liked the person as a friend and hoped if I ignored it then we could get through that and just be mates, That's what I'd guess she's doing.

I'm with peterandre if this was a woman telling this story we would have heard 'ditch him, he's an arse' by now. I think she is being quite disrespectful of your feelings tbh. I have plenty of male friends but none that would stay my friends if they openly flirted with me and were rude to my DH. I'm not saying I would stop speaking to them but I certainly wouldn't be having long one to one conversations with them.

But she is not flirting back. So I don't get why it is anyone's business to set him straight about you and the DP.

Basically you have a problem with this man's attitude to you (the goading may or may not be happening and may be in the eye of the beholder) and talking to your DP about it, if you're pretty sure she is not flirting back (her conversations with this man may just be conversations on her part) could not look like anything besides an attempt by you to semi-accuse her of encouraging it.

If you try talking with her about this you run the risk of coming across as possessive or asking her to sever a relationship that she views in a way that is not how you seem to feel it is. If it is an inconsequential friendship for her with someone who just happens to be rude to you, then you could find yourself in a position of her thinking you are asking her to prove something to you, which is not nice.

I am glad you are not considering any exploding btw. But I also think you should see the glass half full here, and that is your observation that the DP seems to really like you and she doesn't appear to be flirting back.

math, I would consider "long conversations" to the exclusion of others, despite knowing it upsets her partner to be "something"

it may be not flirting, but I wouldn't accept it in a partner

I would consider it taking the piss

I'm not sure if the conversations were long or 'seemed to go on for ages'.

I do think the DP should make a bit of an effort here too mind you, but I think the OP needs to understand that this man might not be one to take a hint, and the DP may not be a person who likes confrontation. She may also feel that this man really doesn't fancy her and would feel like a pratt if she were to tell him she was spoken for and he said he hadn't fancied her and what on earth was she going on about..

That sounds like something fro Jane Austin....