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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To get rid of my lodger over this?

34 replies

flibbertigibbert · 30/03/2011 23:41

Bit of background info: I have 2 lodgers. I've been a bit unsure about one of them for a while now - he literally never goes out other than to work, and now he's lost his job he's always 'there' which I'm finding a bit much, so I had been considering getting a Monday to Friday lodger instead, but didn't really have the heart to give him notice.

Today, something came up on the news about a gang crime in South London, a couple of miles from our house. He mentioned feeling intimidated by 'black guys' when a group of them walk past. I'm black myself and felt really angry at his comment. I know lots of people think this, but the fact that he said it in front of me really p'd me off. I've heard so many comments like this all my life, but hearing it in my own home is a bit different. I don't believe he's genuinely racist, just ignorant, but it still annoyed me. I'm very timid and not at all assertive, so I've been hiding upstairs in my room all evening because I can't face him (he spends all his time sitting in the living room these days). AIBU to give him a month's notice? He's recently lost his job, so it's unlikely any landlords will want to touch him, which makes me feel even more guilty.

OP posts:

hardhatdonned · 30/03/2011 23:44

Your house, your rules if you're not comfortable being around him then give him his notice.

worraliberty · 30/03/2011 23:48

I think if you're looking for an excuse to ditch him, this is one way to do it.

For the record, I feel intimidated walking past gangs full stop..no matter what their colour.

But would you be giving him his notice over this if he was an otherwise 'perfect' lodger?

poopnscoop · 30/03/2011 23:49

If he's lost his job he might not be able to pay his rent soon, and then what will you do?

If you are not happy with him in your home, give him notice.

JaneS · 30/03/2011 23:50

How horrible for you. I suppose it's possible he is very socially awkward and blurted that out, but still I think if I were you I wouldn't fancy having him around. What's your formal arrangement with him? Can you just give him notice to leave?

triskaidekaphile · 30/03/2011 23:51

I think you should give him notice. Not on for you to feel you can't come out of the bedroom in your own house and his comment was crass and racist. It might be something that could be resolved by talking but there's no reason why you should have to take on the burden and discomfiture of educating the ignorant (unless you're feeling especially kind!).

Birdsgottafly · 30/03/2011 23:51

Only you can know if his fear is valid, he may not be being racist. I carn't help feeling that you are using this as an excuse to ask him to leave. If his lifestyle clashes with what you want in a lodger then give him notice. You have to feel comfortable in your own home. It is not your responsibility to house him. Lets can end at any time, lodgers are prepaired for this. Just make sure that you act within the law as he will now be entitled to free legal advice.

Original poster

flibbertigibbert · 30/03/2011 23:52

poop - I think he has a pretty hefty savings account - he's living in my box room to try and save as much as possible for a deposit for a house. He also never goes out, so probably has tiny expenditure.

OP posts:

DillyDaff · 30/03/2011 23:52

Give him notice! It's your home and it's essential you feel comfortable in your own home.

Vallhala · 30/03/2011 23:52

I'd be bloody fuming if he'd said that to me... and I'm white!

I agree that he may end up indebted to you if he's lost his job, which could make life difficult for you. Perhaps it's time for a very open conversation with him.

Original poster

flibbertigibbert · 30/03/2011 23:54

Birds - he is on a rolling contract, so he knows that I can give him a month's notice. You do have a valid point about it not being my responsibility to house him.

OP posts:

chicletteeth · 30/03/2011 23:55

YANBU.
For whatever reason, it's your house and if you're not comfortable, you should ask him to leave (with the correct notice of course!)

LDNmummy · 30/03/2011 23:55

You are hiding in your room because you are uncomfortable in your own home, that say's it all. Give him notice in a polite way and make an excuse as to why, like you have a relative coming to stay for a long time and will be needing the space. Tell him you are sorry and make sure it happens on good terms. He is ignorant but as you said, not particularly an actual racist, just sucked in by media and social stereotyping. I understand why it has upset you and you have every right to feel that way, especially because of your own background. But it is good that you are level headed enough not to stigmatize him in the same way and call him a racist.

LDNmummy · 30/03/2011 23:58

But then if he is a guy who won't become defensive, maybe just don't bother with an excuse and just tell him you need a lodger with a different kind of schedule now.

starfishmummy · 30/03/2011 23:58

If you can afford to lose his money, then I would get rid of him. He should not be taking over your sitting room while you are hiding upstairs - it's your house fgs!

Birdsgottafly · 31/03/2011 00:14

Well then he knew that he could be asked to leave at any time. It just hasn't worked out. Pick your next lodger by their working / social life hours and whether you feel comfortable around them if they do stay in, so you are not in the same sitution. It all goes with the territory of renting.

iscream · 31/03/2011 11:43

You should feel comfortable in your own home. Don't be worried about giving him notice.

If you rent to anther person, maybe you should consider not letting them use your parts of the house. My friend rents out a room, and her boarder has his bedroom, plus kitchen and bathroom privileges.

EricNorthmansMistress · 31/03/2011 11:52

I thought you could give lodgers 2 days notice! Nah give notice, it's not just about the twatty comment is it? I couldn't bear a lodger who was in all the time.

AgentZigzag · 31/03/2011 12:07

That's horrible for you to be hiding in your room.

I'm not sure of the way to go about it, but I'm just thinking of the time between you giving him notice and him moving out.

Is he likely to get stroppy and awkward with you?

If you're feeling uncomfortable now, the atmosphere when he knows for sure you don't want him there will be a bit thick.

Is the other lodger about much to give you any back up should you need it?

Birdsgottafly · 31/03/2011 12:12

If you feel threatened then get him removed by the police, it then solves your problem rather than getting your other lodger involved, keep it as a business arangement.

Desperateforthinnerthighs · 31/03/2011 12:19

Give him notice if you dont want him as a lodger - you need to feel comfy in your own home.

I feel intimidated walking by groups of youths, black or white..............he was probably just making a statement and not actually being racist.

corydoras · 31/03/2011 12:32

You can't have him "removed by the police". This is a civil matter not a criminal one.

FabbyChic · 31/03/2011 12:35

I feel uncomfortable walking past a group of black people, when you come from a town whereby kids were bullied/taxed/beaten the crap out of by gangs of black kids you do feel threatened.

worraliberty · 31/03/2011 12:39

Yes but equally would you not feel threatened walking past a gang of white kids who do the same thing?

Sweetpea215 · 31/03/2011 12:48

I don't see anything wrong in him saying that he felt 'intimidated' by the group of black guys who had passed him. Who is to say that it was their colour that made him feel intimidated, rather than their behaviour.

If his tenancy includes use of the front room then he's within his rights to use it for as long as he wishes.

Clearly you don't feel comfortable with the guy...so give him his notice and get your home back.

notmyproblem · 31/03/2011 12:52

As always FabbyChic comes up with a winner.

She's like the Godwin's law of AIBU. Reckon this will go on several pages now...

OP, just give him his notice. You want lodgers who have more complementary schedules to yours, so that they aren't home the entire time that you are, taking up all the space and making you feel uncomfortable.

Just tell him straight up that you want a M-F lodger, end of. Don't worry about the comment, you can see from FabbyChic that there are quite a few "open mouth insert foot look clueless as to why other people are upset" types out there. Don't take it personally.

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